Monday Morning Critic – 12.7

On tap this week:
— Just a brick…. House
— Strange Tang
— A Twilight backlash?
And slightly much more!

You know what kind of bugs me? The furor over the whole “Tiger Woods cheated on his wife” bit. It’s kind of insane how quickly this has grown and how his image has suffered because of it. But it has lent itself to some quality jokes, so there is some good to come out of it. I keep thinking one thing, though.

Who the hell didn’t see this coming?

Honestly, Tiger Woods hangs out with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan. Two guys I loved as athletes, they also have massive reputations as womanizers. Both lost marriages in part because they cheated on their wives prolifically with other women. And all of a sudden we’re shocked because Tiger cheats on his hot ass wife?

Come on, anyone with half a brain should’ve seen this coming. Not the wife going after him with a 5-iron, because that’s just crazy. Everyone knows when you’re trying to beat the crap out of a cheating spouse with a golf club you always use a hybrid. Same material, same shaft strength, just a bigger head on the sucker can totally cause more bodily harm then the smaller head on an iron. And besides, she should’ve seen this coming. He is a famous, rich, professional athlete. I’d have been shocked if he’d been accused of cheating with some 300 pound water buffalo he met on the internet, as opposed to a hot ass cocktail waitress. If you’re going to cheat on a woman who looks like Mrs. Tiger Woods, you have to get within reasonable proximity of hotness. Look at MJ’s new girlfriend, for example. She’s basically the updated model of his ex-wife at the same age. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they lined up all the women he had sex with over the years (that he wasn’t married to, obviously) were a veritable cavalcade of perfect 10s. He’s Michael Jordan, most famous and wealthy athlete in the world. Unless he was committed to doing the married bit, one imagines that his sexual escapades would put anyone’s to shame.

And Tiger Woods used him as an advisor, learning from him. Woods is 34 and started learning from Jordan before he could legally drink. So you take a horny teenager with a man of Jordan’s tastes and with a little encouragement…well…you can figure it out. Some habits are hard to break and some guys are good at doing the family bit while enjoying their side action. Obviously these two turned out to be kindred spirits. And gee, do you think they didn’t chase “Strange Tang” (as Jason Whitlock would say) together? Married guys who love cheating on their wives tend to roam in packs in the same way douche bags pop their collars and quote Entourage to one other on college campuses, hoping to score a girl who’s either 19, 55 or 235 (19 years old, 55 IQ or weighs 235 pounds).

Birds, feathers, and flocking. Make something more out of it, because that’s why I didn’t get into the good colleges.

Random Thoughts of the Week

You know what’s amazing? That the new Twilight film has already been pushed to the wayside in the box office. But not by anything new, but by The Blind Side with Sandra Bullock instead of something plausible like Armored or Everybody’s Fine. A quiet hit, this might end up being her biggest hit ever and might land her an Oscar nomination.

Well…maybe this is proof that word of mouth takes time to develop amongst groups of people, or that all the women who were going to see the film two or three times finally stopped seeing the film. Only the truly fervent are showing up, still en masse but not quite as much.

It’s interesting to see the film, which looked to be the biggest hit of the year, crash and burn at this juncture. It looks like it might not cross $300 million domestically after looking like it had a touch of The Dark Knight in it; still a massive hit, still big enough to fund the next three films, but not quite the hit it appeared to be on paper.

And it’s beautiful, especially because now I get to hear Travis Leamons discuss how Bella got “bitch slapped” by Sandra Bullock this weekend.

A Movie A Week – The Challenge

This Week’s DVD – House (Season 2)

House S2

There’s something about being able to watch TV shows on DVD that I’m really beginning to enjoy. I’ve never been one to enjoy episodic television, as I like to just sit and watch something I enjoy until I’ve had my share. And episodic television isn’t quite enough for me, hence the reason why I’d rather find a show I like and just motor through the seasons as opposed to sitting and watching. There are only a handful of shows I’ll watch on a regular basis, House being one of them, but sometimes it’s nice to go back and plow through the series just for fun.

Season 2 catches where the first ended, with House (Hugh Laurie) and the gang solving more medical mysteries. This is where the show really begins to hit its stride, as well. The first season involved Chi McBride as a nemesis early on, which really wasn’t needed, and while excellent needed to find its groove. This is the season where it starts, with a spectacular finale that sets up the first arc of season three, that essentially set up the next three seasons that followed.

Strong recommendation.

What Looks Good This Weekend, and I Don’t Mean the $2 Pints of Bass Ale and community college co-eds with low standards at the Alumni Club

Invictus – Clint Eastwood retells the story of Nelson Mandela and the 1995 South African Rugby World Cup.

See It – Clint Eastwood directing, Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon acting? Yeah, bank on it.

The Princess and the Frog – Disney hand draws a new take on the telling of a classic story.

Skip it – Just because it’s hand drawn doesn’t mean it’s any good, as Disney’s record for its animation sight has been awful as of late. Don’t expect this to break their Direct to DVD level of awfulness.

The Lovely Bones – A girl gets killed and watches the investigation of her murder from a transitory place between Heaven and Earth.

Skip it – I’m always leery of anything adapted from a book. Advanced buzz from people I know who’ve already seen it has been mixed, leaning negatively.

A Single Man – Colin Firth has just lost his gay lover. Now he’s rediscovering life or something.

Skip it – Just screams “give me an Oscar” for all involved.

Me and Orson Welles – Zac Effron gets into Orson Welles legendary production of “Julius Caesar.”

See it – Zac has already shown he has the chops to be a prolific movie star. Now we get to see him in a prestige picture, which should be worth the viewing.

Do you have questions about movies, life, love, or Branigan’s Law? Shoot me an e-mail at and you could be featured in the next “Monday Morning Critic.” Include your name and hometown to improve your odds.

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