The first half of the 2009 CHIKARA season finale hits the books, as Tim Donst takes on Hydra in a “loser leaves CHIKARA” match and Jigsaw and Gran Akuma face off in a match for the ages in the main event of this Easton show extravaganza. Also on the card is Hallowicked versus Ophidian, the CHIKARA debut of HUSTLE star, Yujiro Kushida, and the Order of the Neo-Solar Temple versus “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush, Claudio Castagnoli, and “Jorge “Skayde” Rivera in trios action.
The DVD for “Throwing Life’s Instructions Away” is currently available on Smart Mark Video for a total of twenty smackers. The season finale event that took place in Philadelphia following this show, “Three-Fisted Tales“, is also currently available on DVD on Smart Mark Video. For the record, expect a review from yours truly on “Three-Fisted Tales” any time within the next couple of days. Feel free to send feedback and thoughts on this particular review by e-mailing me at royreynolds@4sternstaging.com or dropping a comment below. Even if I do not respond (which happens awfully rarely), I literally read everything that is sent my way.
Louden Noxious presents his newest song to the Easton crowd, “Goin’ to Rasslin‘”. Louden’s lyrics included everything from an Eye of Tyr reference to a short mentioning of Carpenter Ant using an inverted version of the CHIKARA Special. Most importantly, though, Louden even leaked out news that the King of Trios tournament will be back again for 2010. C-H-I-K-A-R-A! Rasslin’!
Ophidian defeated Hallowicked via pinfall (reverse rolling prawn hold) – Ever since the Osirian Portal turned to the tecnico side, the CHIKARMY has been one hundred percent behind Ophidian and Amasis. Both workers look to be on the top of their game by using picture-perfect lucha libre holds to control one another on the mat to begin things. Ophidian tries to lock in the Death Grip multiple times in the early going, but Hallowicked manages to power out of the deadly choke hold on all accounts. The finish saw Ophidian moonsault off the top rope into a reverse rolling prawn hold for the pinfall victory in a little over ten minutes. Potentially the best opener CHIKARA has put on all year. If not the best, then definitely one of the best, I’d say. Just a super good all-around match that rightfully put the Easton crowd on their feet early. ***¼.
Chad Badd and Brad Badd, the Badd Boys, are outside of the Easton Funplex to lay down some smack talk on their opponents, Lince Dorado and Helios of the Future Is Now. Chad talks about how about a month ago, the Badd Boys were detained at the Canadian border on their Harley Davidson motorcycles. When the Badd Boys came to the United States this time around, though, the border control let them pass by without any questioning. The bottom line is nobody messes around with Chad and Brad Badd.
Chad Badd and Brad Badd beat Lince Dorado and Helios via pinfall (Demolition Decapitation) – As soon as the bell rings, the Badd Boys take the action to outside of the ring. Chad and Brad dominate Helios in the beginning of the match with a series of body slams and lariats. Minutes later, Helios manages to make the hot tag to Lince Dorado. The Badd Boys attempt to powerbomb Lince and Helios outside of the ring, but the Future Is Now switch it up into double hurricaranas. Stereo Space Flying Tiger Drops to the outside by the Future Is Now! Helios attempts to quickly cover Chad, but he only gets a two-count out of it. Helios jumps atop of Lince’s shoulders, leaps onto the top rope, and springboards onto Chad! Lince follows it up with a moonsault to boot! Brad breaks it up at two. Wow, that sequence was pretty awesome! Brad tosses Lince out of the ring and helps Chad to his feet. The two Badds then quickly nail Helios with the Demolition Decapitation for the pinfall win in five minutes flat. Badd Boys have two points now. This was a fun match that got a bit sloppy at times. Finish also seemingly came out of the blue. Nevertheless, Lince and Helios make quite the exciting tag team and this successfully showcased their skills. **.
Amasis defeated Carpenter Ant via disqualification (excesivo castigo) – Amasis and Carpenter shake hands before the match, seemingly showing mutual signs of respect. Carpenter dominates Amasis in the early going with some excellent takeover holds. Amasis gains control of the bout with a springboard arm drag that takes Carpenter off of his feet. Carpenter nails Amasis with a stiff elbow, runs off the ropes, and moves on the attack with a hurricarana. Double dropkick by Amasis and Carpenter, and we’ve got ourselves a stalemate. Carpenter tosses Amasis into the corner and awkwardly starts wailing away on the Egyptian. Papagiorgio warns him to cut it out. Amasis begins making a comeback, but Carpenter catches him with a dropkick on the top rope. This is enough to send Amasis into a tree of woe position. Carpenter ignores Papagiorgio’s five-count and continuously kicks away at the head and chest of Amasis. This forces Papagiorgio to end the exhibition bout in just under five minutes via disqualification or as it’s known in Mexico, “excesivo castigo”. Carpenter and Papagiorgio yell at one another after the match. With Carpenter’s back turned to Amasis, the “Funky Pharaoh” knocks the odd member of the Colony out of the ring. Carpenter looks extremely frustrated, but finally decides to leave. For the record, this was actually developing into an awesome match before all of the shenanigans started going down. *½.
Player Dos defeated Yujiro Kushida via pinfall (frog splash) – For those of you who are not familiar with Yujiro Kushida, he is the none other than the protégé of TAJIRI. Kushida displayed a moveset that was almost identical to TAJIRI’s, which is something that I honestly cannot explain about. TAJIRI is one of my favorite workers of all-time, so seeing his protégé in action for the first time was certainly a treat. Kushida played the heel role excellently, mocking the crowd any way he could and he truly worked Dos’ body like an animal. Split-legged moonsault by Dos is stopped after Kushida gets his knees up. Kushida then locks in the Tarantula, but must let it go at the count of four. With Papagiorgio’s back momentarily turned to the action, Kushida throws the Japanese flag from around his waist onto Dos’ head. Dos, who is momentarily blind, is then buzzsaw kicked in the skull by Kushida. Dos somehow manages to kick out at two. Dos and Kushida exchange some more stiff kicks. Dos nails Kushida on his head with a German suplex. Dos then puts him down to the mat with a spinning body slam. Both men fight on the top rope, but Dos gets the better of the exchange. Dos nails Kushida with a frog splash and picks up the pinfall victory in nearly twelve minutes of action. Following the match, Dos asks for a handshake from Kushida, but Yujiro wants absolutely none of it and takes off. Let me just say that I had some doubts about Dos being the Young Lions Cup Champion, but after this match, all of that nonsense in my head was put to rest. Kushida deserves his own credit where it’s due, as well. ***½.
UltraMantis Black, Delirious, and Crossbones beat Mike Quackenbush, Claudio Castagnoli, and Jorge “Skayde” Rivera via pinfall (backslide) – The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple spend the first five minutes or so of the match being dominated by all three members of the tecnico team with various holds. UltraMantis Black and Delirious smartly gain control of the match with some quick tags. Jorge Rivera is taken control of by the Order with some attacks to the back. Rivera makes the hot tag to Quackenbush, who proceeds to lay down the beating to UltraMantis and Delirious. Quackenbush and Rivera use a series of lucha-based double team maneuvers to send Delirious and Black to the floor. Quackenbush fires away on Crossbones with multiple stiff kicks and strikes to the head area. Quack finally manages to knock Crossbones out of the ring and proceeds to double stomp him on the outside. What we’re seeing right now from Quack is seriously some stiff offense. Crossbones gets wrecked with an amazing UFO from Claudio. UltraMantis Black sets Quackenbush up for the Praying Mantis Bomb inside of the ring. Claudio sets up to uppercut UltraMantis, but Black turns Quack into Claudio’s attack at the last second. UltraMantis sneaks in a quick backslide on Mike Quackenbush and steals the victory in thirteen minutes. Following the match, Skayde seemingly tells Quackenbush that Claudio was trying to hit Quack all along. Claudio explains to Rivera and Quackenbush that he had no evil intentions. With that out of the way, the three men separately exit the ring. Decent trios match that had its fair share of moments. In the end, though, I wasn’t all that blown away with it like I thought I was going to be. ***.
The Throwbacks of Dasher Hatfield and Sugar Dunkerton are in the backstage area, cutting a promo on their upcoming tag team battle against Icarus and Chuck Taylor of F.I.S.T. Dunkerton compares the rivalry of the Throwbacks and F.I.S.T. to other major sport rivalries, such as the Lakers and the Celtics, as well as the Red Sox and the Yankees. Dunkerton takes a catchphrase out of Ernest “The Cat” Miller’s book, “somebody better call my momma”. Just as Sugar says this, though, he gets a phone call from his mother on an old cell phone. Hilarious stuff.
Dasher Hatfield and Sugar Dunkerton beat Icarus and Chuck Taylor via pinfall (schoolboy) – It looks like Dasher has grown a little more hair since the last time I have seen him. Speaking of Dasher, no one in the Easton crowd wants to see him transform back into Create-A-Wrestler. Can’t say that I would ever want to see Dasher drop such a fantastic gimmick, either. Chuck Taylor retreats from the Throwbacks early by taking a seat in the crowd. I think I love this match already. Sugar Dunkerton leaps over the turnbuckle and nails Icarus with a huge clothesline. Taylor breaks up the count without any hesitation, though. Dasher puts Icarus into the tree of woe and slides into his face. Bryce kicks Dasher out of the game. I mean, ring. Dasher gets ticked off and the two of them kick dirt at one another. This distracts Dunkerton and F.I.S.T. capitalizes with a series of suplexes and various other double team maneuvers. Chuck Taylor nails the Sole Food on Dasher and quickly leaps onto Sugar, who is outside of the ring. Icarus looks to finish Sugar off with the Pedigree, but Dasher catches him with a schoolboy and the Throwbacks win it. Aside from a bunch of comedy spots, this was also a great tag team match. The Throwbacks may just be my favorite team in all of CHIKARA at the moment. **¾.
Tim Donst has a few words for Hydra backstage, explaining that he has never forgotten the day the Sea Donsters first met. Donst also remembers how much Hydra held him back. He calls Hydra a “failure” and a “clown without no jokes”. Donst tells Hydra that in order to make it in professional wrestling, you need a lot more than heart. Donst promises Hydra that he will be the last man that he ever faces in a wrestling ring. The rudo Tim Donst sure can cut an excellent promo. I believe this is the second time in a row, in which he has blown me away on the microphone.
Tim Donst defeated Hydra via pinfall (low blow) to win a “loser leaves CHIKARA” match – Hydra comes out to Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face” to arguably the loudest ovation I have ever heard anyone get at the Easton Funplex. The fans greet Hydra with literally around twenty signs in support of the “Mini-Man Monster”. Hydra and Donst exchange some hard chops in the early going, but Donst catches him off-guard with a suplex. Donst takes Hydra out on the outside and pummels him on the floor with more suplex variations. Inside the ring, Donst tears away at Hydra’s muscle suit. Hydra shows no signs of giving up just yet, though, and powers Donst down with a huge chokeslam. Donst rolls out to the floor, and Hydra sets up for a suicide dive. Hydra goes through the middle ropes, but Donst nails him with a Ace Crusher! Sick! Hydra struggles to get back inside of the ring, but manages to do at the count of nineteen. The two exchange forearms until Hydra locks in the Hydra Lock. Things aren’t looking good for Donst now. Donst grabs Bryce Remsburg and in the middle of the encouter, he low blows Hydra and cradles him up. One, two, three. Emotional match from bell to bell. Hydra certainly pulled off his best match to date, which sucks because it is unfortunately his last. ***½.
Hydra acknowledges the fans’ love for him after the match. A member of the CHIKARA crew then hands Hydra a microphone. Hydra mumbles for a bit. The crowd cannot understand him because Hydra does not speak in English. Dasher Hatfield and Louden Noxious enter the ring to give the “Mini-Man Monster” some assistance. Hydra makes a monumental announcement, which the CHIKARMY has since dubbed as being the “Luckiest Man Alive” speech. No reference to Lou Gehrig’s retirement shindig, by the way. This speech was simply too good for words; just watch the video.
Fire Ant, Soldier Ant, and Green Ant beat Vin Gerard, STIGMA, and Colin Delaney via pinfall (inverted TKO) – All three members of the Colony now have golden entrance capes with the Colony logo embedded. For the record, they look pretty darn awesome. Green Ant and Vin Gerard start things off, but as Green is backing up, Colin grabs his legs and pulls him straight out of the ring. That brings Fire Ant in to take on Gerard. They exchange armdrags for a bit, but Vin catches him in the corner with some chops and forearms. Fire tags in Soldier and the two use a quick double team maneuver, but it only gets them two. Vin mocks Soldier’s signature salute, but gets slaps for his efforts. STIGMA tags himself in and locks in a full nelson on Soldier. Minutes later, Fire Ant catches STIGMA with a stunner and leaps onto Vin on the outside. Green Ant knocks STIGMA to the mat with a headbutt. Green locks in a cloverleaf hold, but STIGMA gets to the ropes. Triple dropkick on STIGMA in the corner by the Colony! Colin breaks it up at two. Soldier puts Colin a torture rack position and nails him with the TKO. That’s enough to get a three-count in fifteen minutes. Excellent trios match that had a lot of cool-looking spots. It should also be noted that Green Ant has improved quite a bit since the last time I saw him wrestle. ***¼.
Jigsaw defeated Gran Akuma via pinfall (super Jig ‘n Tonic) – Jigsaw and Akuma have been feuding in both, CHIKARA and Dragon Gate USA, so this match was definitely main event material. I am a huge fan of both, Jig and Gran Akuma, so I had high expectations going into this bout. Jigsaw and Gran Akuma start things with loads of stiff kicks and forearms. Gran Akuma retreats to the outside, but he gets nailed with a big dive from Jig. Akuma worked the knee of Jigsaw whenever he could, while Jigsaw targeted Akuma’s recently injured neck. The idea was for Akuma to wear down Jig’s knee enough to keep him from flying, but that really didn’t work. Even though he was clearly in pain, Jigsaw still delivered everything he had at Gran Akuma. Yoshi Tonic only gets a two-count. Jigsaw went for a super hurricarana, but Akuma reversed it into a Joker Driver from the top. “This is awesome” chants from the Easton crowd. Akuma picks Jigsaw up and levels him with a stiff clothesline for two. Moonsault from Akuma connects, but that only gets two, as well. Akuma has no other choice, but to go for a super Yoshi Tonic. Just when it looked like Akuma was going to finish off Jigsaw, Jig holds on and brings Akuma down with an incredibly dangerous-looking super Jig ‘n Tonic from the top for the win in nearly sixteen minutes of action. That was friggan incredible. Both, Jig and Akuma, are helped to the back by crew members. Wouldn’t be all that surprised if both dudes suffered some injuries. Hands down, the best match on the entire DVD. ****.
I know that I have never really crapped on a CHIKARA DVD before, but this show was seriously one of the best I have seen the company produce all year. Certainly better than “An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World” and right up there with “Hiding in Plain Sight“.
Hydra’s final match is something that every CHIKARA fan should want to have in their collections, as well as the main event between Jigsaw and Akuma. My star ratings should give you an idea of how solid the undercard was, as well. Buy this event on Smart Mark Video as soon as you can. You will not be disappointed, rest-assured.
