For Your Consideration…Now I Don’t Wanna Get Off On a Rant Here…

For Your Consideration…Now I Don’t Wanna Get Off On a Rant Here…

It’s the three hour Slammy Awards hosted by Dennis Miller. I couldn’t be happier if they went ahead and brought back Todd Pettengill to do the opening number. Yes folks, nothing says pure wrestling entertainment like a fake awards show following a PPV event! My love of the cheesy Slammy awards extends back to my start at PulseWrestling when my column’s logo featured the coveted award (you can see my old logo on my Twitter page at twitter.com/awheeler316).

Speaking of shameless self-promotion, allow me to channel Diamond Dallas Page for a moment. No, I’m not going to tell you all about yoga while teaming up with NBA stars as I come to the arena to Nirvana rip-off song while parading around in sparkle pants in an effort to make you think I’m cooler and younger than I actually am. Instead, I’m going to give myself a self high-five. Yes, I am once again YOUR Rasslin Roundtable Champion. I’m not quite sure how I did it, but I can owe erratic booking decisions and a completely diverse field of options for my victory.

Yes, last night was TLC: True Logic Cancelled. I said before the Pay-Per-View that the show would be considered a massive success if no one was injured and at least one of the three young bucks were made to look like stars, so I guess based on that alone, I can call TLC a massively successful event. See what happens when you set the bar low?

In all fairness, TLC was a very good PPV, with definable highs and lows. Let’s revisit the night, shall we?

First up with the ECW Title match between Christian and Shelton Benjamin. In my Roundtable write-up, I criticized the WWE for going ahead and having these two openly talk about “stealing the show”. It bugs me when the company goes out of its way to tell the audience that what they are watching is fake. Jeff Hardy used to do it all the time, and it pissed me off to no end. When was the last time you saw Brett Favre go on television and say that the most important thing is for him to have the most entertaining football game? A win is a win, let the talk about stealing the show stay in the locker-room.

Aside from that quibble, the match itself was really entertaining. While I do have qualms about a world title match opening the show (don’t get me started on the whole ‘It isn’t a world title’ argument because based on WWE logic it actually is), I’m glad these two weren’t rushed out there in the middle of the show to be buried between bigger matches.

Shelton and Christian seemed to have moments of inspired greatness in the ring mixed with stilted points where they were so busy setting up their Rube Goldberg-esque spots that they sort of forgot to keep the match itself going. Thankfully, the always incredible Matt Stryker covered for the wrestlers, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. Lawler and Cole seemed so confused by what was going on that they kept having genuine reactions as opposed to covering up what was going on in the ring. “Why is he setting up that ladder?” Seriously Lawler, just sit back and milk the “Hall of Fame” moniker and let Stryker handle the heavy lifting.

Another contentious point here was that there was an extended stoppage due to Christian being legitimately busted open. First and foremost there’s a no-blood policy in the WWE, and whether we like it or not, them’s the breaks. Vince doesn’t want blood on his television show and everyone has to play in his sandbox (though the very loud “We want blood” chant may finally change his mind once Linda finally loses her Congressional bid). Second, Matt Stryker provided the single best explanation ever for why we had the stoppage; Texas law requires that all open cuts be tended to. Was it bullshit? Absolutely. The Texas State Athletic Commission would never enforce a law that would make it illegal to be Terry Funk in the first place, so just let it slide. On the plus side, it was a really novel excuse (and a great way to pass the blame from Vince to that damn government).

In the end, Christian pretty much had to kill Shelton by driving him through the ladder, which makes both men seem stronger coming out of the match then they did going into it. I predicted a few weeks ago that Shelton will win the title once he turns heel (something my compatriot Pulse Glazer agreed with and said so in his Examiner piece), which should freshen up the already peppy Tuesday show.

Next up was John Morrison and Drew McIntyre. I wasn’t really sold on Drew before, but he is working hard to make me eat my words. The guy looked great out there, and for someone who knew that his star power was fading fast, John Morrison went out of his way to make Drew look legit. Don’t believe me? Look at how he sold that modified Alabama Slam that McIntyre busted out. Ultimately Drew needed to win, because having him continue down the path of false starts ala Dolph Ziggler was only going to damage yet another up-and-coming star. And, as a bonus, he didn’t really win cleanly thanks to a thumb to the eye, so Morrison gets to save a little face to go along with his blurred vision.

Mickie James and Michelle McCool wrestled. Things happened. Shenanigans ensued. Michelle retained. This feud continues, as does my drinking.

At this point, we got John Cena and Sheamus. It was the 9 o’clock main event, for all intents and purposes, which pretty much guaranteed that something fishy was going to happen. The match itself was relatively forgettable; Cena and Sheamus brawl, Cena beats on Sheamus, Sheamus beats on Cena, they take a stroll through the crowd, they tease a fall through a table about a billion times and Cena ultimately triumphs over evil. Wait…what’s that? He lost? Hmm…how ‘bout that.

You know, I almost called this. In fact, in my Roundtable, I said that this was a very real possibility. John Cena was either going to drive Sheamus through the table and silence his foe once and for all or he was going to get put through the table in a fluke only to rise up and challenge for a rematch. For some reason, we didn’t get the Yoko-esque rematch, but we certainly got the fluke win.

The biggest issues coming out of this for me are the fact that Sheamus didn’t get a convincing win, that Sheamus now has nowhere higher to really go and that he will certainly lose the strap soon (possibly as early as RAW tonight). To the first point, it is almost impossible to get a truly convincing win in a tables match. The fact that they exposed tables matches as being simply flukes was actually a novel idea, as the thought of either man actually getting his opponent incapacitated enough to be driven through a table would have done true damage. To the second point, Sheamus still has plenty of room to grow, so this is not the end of the road for him. Look, the WWE actually has a long history of putting the title on people who probably don’t deserve it. They did it with The Undertaker and he turned out alright. Yokozuna won it pretty early in his WWE career. Hell, The Great Khali was an almost instant title contender and he…uh…bad example.

Sheamus is going to drop the title to Cena by the Rumble (or at the Rumble) because the WWE might be daring, but they aren’t stupid. Giving Sheamus the title signifies that anyone can win the strap, which should give hope to those folks in the back not named Orton, Michaels or Levesque. On the other hand, there is no way in hell that he is keeping the title anywhere close to Wrestlemania, because you might not need to truly earn a title, you sure as hell need to earn a shot at the Mania main event.

About once a year the WWE gets daring and gives a new guy a shot at the champion. In addition to the folks mentioned above, people ranging from Umaga to Hardcore Holly to Brian Kendrick all got title shots and the company didn’t come crashing down. Sheamus has won the belt to “shake things up” and “get us talking”, but his reign could very well be similar to Kane’s…and no one is going to argue that Kane’s career suffered. Sheamus didn’t look all that impressive, but he is a new face (something we’ve been bitching about not having) and he’s going to generate some excitement on RAW (something else we have been bitching about) and he isn’t going to do any irrevocable damage. I hope.

Speaking of damage, Batista and The Undertaker had a match. Sort of. They swung a bunch of chairs, they slowly got up and fell down and they even did a Dusty finish. I said in the Roundtable that there was no way Taker was losing the strap, because as great as Dave has been as a heel, there is no truly credible face that can take him down. Smackdown has two main event faces; Rey Mysterio and Undertaker. Smackdown also has two older stars who are injured and probably facing surgery or time off; Rey Mysterio and Undertaker. Why take the title off of Taker now? My guess is Dave will go back to scrapping with Mysterio while Jericho, fresh off of his departure from RAW, can feud with Taker. As for this match, well…my not saying much about it speaks volumes.

Randy Orton beat Kofi Kingston. Randy Orton beat Kofi Kingston to a thunderous ovation. Randy Orton beat Kofi Kingston to a thunderous ovation and Creative has got to be wondering what the hell they can do with this.

You cannot turn Randy Orton face because as a face, he sucks. You can’t put him in the title hunt, because as WWE Champion, he’s boring. You can’t have him job to Kofi Kingston because apparently the fans would boo that. What the hell do the fans want?!

The WWE Universe seemed to be finally supporting Kofi Kingston. They cheered him when he dropped his fake accent, they cheered him when he defaced a car and they cheered him when he put Orton through a table. Now all of a sudden they fell back into their old pattern of cheering the heel and being lukewarm to the face. Granted, Kofi did get some nice pops, but nothing like what Orton got when he hit that final RKO. On a positive note, the match was very spirited and had an incredibly unique finish, with Kofi blocking the Punt of Death with his arm, only for it to be picked apart and ultimately for him to be put down with the RKO. I liked the finish immensely, as it actually showed in-ring psychology, something I thought the young generation might have forgotten about.

The main event, to me, didn’t feel like a main event. Maybe it was because we’ve seen these four main event RAW so many times, maybe it was because some of the other matches on the card had “big match” feels to it or maybe it was the inevitability of the finish, but something just didn’t click for me. I liked the match, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t MOTN honors. On the plus side, the finish they did was highly inventive, with Jericho using Big Show as a makeshift ladder only for it all to come crumbling down.

DX is now your Unified Tag Team Champions. Huzzah. Hunter and Shawn now have the tag belts and all is right in the world. Unfortunately, Chris Jericho is off of RAW. I’m not going to lie, a small part of me thought (nay, hoped) that Cena would retain and somehow Chris would get a shot tonight and win the title. Alas, it won’t happen, but this does probably mean we’ll see DX on Friday Nights once in a while.

With the show officially in the books, the question remains, “Will we remember TLC?” Unlike some of the more forgettable filler PPVS, the answer here is yes. While I am a fan of Armageddon (I’ve seen the PPV event twice; once in 1999 when Stephanie turned on her dad to join Hunter and Big Show got revenge on Bossman for disrespectin’ his daddy and in 2002 when Hunter and Shawn did Three Stages of Hell and, of course, when Edge defeated A-Train in a five star classic), I think that this is one of those innovations that could really stick. Giving fans an annual TLC match in addition to a guaranteed ladder match isn’t a terrible idea, and it officially means that every gimmick now has its day (MITB has Mania, Elimination Chamber has NOW, Survivor Series and the Rumble have…well, you get the picture).

TLC will be remembered as the night that Sheamus won the WWE Title, that Drew McIntyre won his first belt in the company and the night that Mickie James and Michelle McCool got PPV slots over CM Punk, Jack Swagger, Legacy and The Miz.

“It’s not over…the world is watching.”

We open with a special three hour Slammy opening, showing us some of the highlights of the year. Oddly enough, no Ricky Ortiz, Tyler Reks or Abraham Washington.

Oh, whew, they still have the RAW open. My ears were worried that they weren’t going to be raped by the giant bag of suck that is Nickelback.

I see pyro, I see ballyhoo and I see a giant Slammy statue! Cole welcomes us to a new holiday tradition. That holiday? Hanukkah.

Tonight Randy Orton will face The Undertaker. Also, CM Punk faces John Cena. Would the WWE have the balls to give away Cena/Taker for free? Nah. Oh, but the winner of this tournament becomes Superstar of the Year.

Here comes Dennis Miller, which is awesome. I guess they couldn’t get the rights to “Everybody Wants to Rule the World.” Miller looks good, though at the podium he seems to be leaning to the right. “I coulda used the warning about the pyrotechnics.” Oh shit, we’re in Texas, so I guess these jokes are gonna whiz by.

“Just wanted to get the feel for the wrestling crowd…gonna go running back to the script now.” I’m embarrassed right now, not going to lie. Then again, what made the WWE think that an acerbic comedian would go over with the wrasslin’ crowd? They should have just gotten one of the Redneck Hillbilly Blue Collar Douche-nozzle Boys to host this thing instead. At least then they’d get a pop from the Texas crowd. Can you detect a bit of my liberal East Coast bias? Maybe just a tad?

Miller is delivering some great jokes and they are about as over as Mark Jindrak. Dennis goes into a bit about the similarities between politicians and the WWE. He compares Nancy Pelosi to Vickie Guerrero. We then see a shot of Cheney and Bush as DX. The fans apparently don’t believe in Global Warming, so I guess this is a red state bit.

Dennis compares Cena to Obama and both get booed. Are you fucking kidding me? “One of these two men got put through a table, the other one didn’t bring anyone to one.” Apparently Miller and the WWE both support free speech and the troops. Also, both hit near insurmountable peaks in the 80s before becoming repetitive and increasingly Republican. Oh, and neither should be in the movie industry (Bordello of Blood anyone?).

And here comes R-Truth and Jillian Hall and this suddenly looks like the AVN awards. Wow, Jillian Hall was actually more attractive with the mole. They are presenting Tag Team of the Year, which leads to Jillian Hall singing “Whoomp! There it is”. R-Truth changed the words “What’s up” to “Shut up”. See Dennis Miller, Creative can write great word play too.

Nominees: DX (minus Rick Rude, X-Pac, Billy Gunn, Chyna, Road Dogg and Tori), Legacy (minus Manu and Sim Snuka), Hart Dynasty (minus Teddy Hart), JeriShow (minus Edge). If JeriShow loses, we riot.

The Slammy goes to JeriShow, so my riot threat was all for naught. I guess this is the farewell to JeriShow, as they are both dressed in black. The fans boo them, but then again these are the people who booed Obama. Jericho thanks Edge for getting hurt and thanks himself for picking Big Show to be his partner. Big Show makes a short joke and says that they will regain their titles in the near future (ya know…post surgery). Jericho invokes their rematch clause TONIGHT.

We have Lawler, Cole AND Stryker as our commentary team, but first…

Commercial.

We’re back and the Ruthless Roundtable is in the ring. We get a replay of them imploding last week on ECW, but I guess they are all on the same parchment. Regal says that Christian has to find two partners to challenge the three of them, which is completely unlike what happened last week on ECW.

Christian comes limping out, and it’s nice to see Christian back on RAW. Christian’s tag partners are Kane and, oh fuck, The Great Khali.

Kozlov and Khali start it off, and Khali overpowers Vlad. Even worse, the fans are cheering for The Great Khali, which is only going to encourage him. Jackson comes in now and gets hit by Khali before winding up in the ring with Christian. This leads to Ezekiel taking over, which should kill time until the inevitable miscommunication.

Regal is in now, and it’s funny how they are main eventers on ECW but borderline curtain jerkers on RAW. Not funny, really, but definitely something.

Kane is in and delivers a clothesline off the top rope for two. Jackson gets tagged in but Kozlov tags himself in and now he’s going to have to sell the Khali chop for the pin. Hey Sheamus, take note; Kozlov was once a title contender.

“Wouldn’t it be great if Christian brought Kane and Khali to ECW?” No Matt, it wouldn’t.

Dennis Miller is back and asks for applause for Kane and Big Khali. Miller pulls out the Family Guy randomizer for a joke about Michael Moore in a thong at a Twilight premiere. He then introduces Tiffany and Teddy Long, who is dressed like my great grandfather. This award is honoring the New Superstar Initiative that has brought us such great talent as Curt Hawkins.

Nominees: Drew McIntyre (who has already had one aborted debut), Sheamus (who proved that Jamie Noble is a stepping stone to the WWE Title), Yoshi Tatsu (who thankfully didn’t blow any spots in his video package) and Abraham Washington (ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME?!).

Your winner is Sheamus. There he is, and I’d like to be the first to say that he looks ridiculous with the spinner belt around his waist. Almost as ridiculous as that jaunty hat he used to wear. On the plus side, the fans are booing. “Ah suppose you people take me seriously, eh? Ah beat ya Seen-uh. Ah took ur tahtle.” Piper, Steamboat, Henning and Orndoff all never held the WWE Title, but Sheamus did. Well, that’s just sad to think about. The fans respond by letting him know that he sucks before proclaiming that Cena is never getting it back. I’m pretty sure he meant the title, but the problem was he was holding up his Slammy…unless he’s pulling an Owen Hart.

Commercial.

We’re back and we get a Superstar of the Year package. Your nominees: CM Punk, The Undertaker, Randy Orton and John Cena. The winner is determined by a tournament, which is also how we decide a new Pope.

But first, it’s Cody versus Kofi, and the crowd chants for what sounds like Kofi, though they could have been chanting “We like Roy” or “Boo-urns”. Cody goes for the arm but Kofi starts jumping around before hitting the Boom Boom Boom but this draws out Teddy Dibiase. For some reason, Evan Bourne makes the save in the hopes that it doesn’t have to team with Primo.

Dennis Miller makes this a tag match (but not before claiming his own Slammy) and we leap to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Teddy and Kofi are going at it before Cody gets tagged back in. For some reason, the announcers are plugging Marine 2 despite the fact that Teddy is a heel and therefore we shouldn’t support his future endeavors. Kofi makes the hot tage and Bourne pulls out some Token Offense, culminating in the knee drop.

Bourne and Rhodes are left alone in the ring before Evan “I’m not Fred Savage” Bourne eats CrossRhodes for the pin. That’s a shame.

Commercial.

We’re back and Dennis Miller says that he should have just come out and said “Suck it” and be considered a genius. He introduces Vickie Guerrero and Santino, the combatants in the classic Hog-Pen Match.

Marella is dressed like a bad porn actor, while Vickie actually doesn’t look too bad. Santino calls her fat before introducing Shocker of the Year.

Nominee: Randy Orton DDTing Stephanie McMahon before kissing her, Batista destroying Rey Mysterio before kissing him, CM Punk retiring Jeff Hardy before kissing him and Sheamus driving Mark Cuban through a table before kissing him.

Winner: CM Punk kicking Hardy to the curb. The Stephanie moment was pretty shocking, but in WWE lore, Punk was the man who got rid of Jeff Hardy, which has got to win. Punk proclaims himself greatest of all time as we go to…

Commercial.

Punk is in the ring with his Slammy for Shocker of the Year (guess you’ll have to ask Maria how it felt…yeah, I went low brow). Punk thanks himself, and quite frankly, Punk should be Wrestler of the Year in the Year End polls. He won Money in the Bank, won the WWE Title and pulled off a successful heel turn that made him the #1 guy on Smackdown.

We get still photos of Cena losing to Sheamus. Yeah, because if you showed me the footage I wouldn’t buy the PPV replay. I miss a time when they used to credit the pictures to WWE Magazine.

Here comes Cena and the Champ…is…Irish.

Cena and Punk going at it again, and this is the second meeting between these two in a matter of months. Guess they really don’t wanna save those special matches. Hopefully they won’t give away Taker/Cena for free tonight.

Cena powers out of a hammerlock before almost eating a GTS that gets reversed into an STFU. Cena drags him to the center of the ring and Punk taps out like a bitch, thus possibly negating my argument for him being Superstar of the Year. If you ignore the past two months, then yes. If you look at something like this, then probably not.

So I guess our main event is Cena and Orton. John is in the ring and he looks forlorn and we get a PRICELESS shot of a woman in the crowd sobbing while chanting Cena. The guys in the truck must be pissing themselves.

Cena congratulates Sheamus and apologizes to his fans. John then paraphrases Chumbawamba for a few moments before saying that he gets that people might have turned on him, but he says thanks to those people who haven’t turned on him. “This is my everything.” That’s kinda sad.

“What happened at TLC will never happen again.” In other words, Cena threatened Creative. He then says that the Road to Wrestlemania starts right now. He won’t be stopped and he can’t be stopped, Wellness Policy be damned. Cena then writes the headline for WWE.com and says that he won’t lose until he’s champion again. So folks, no need to watch the rest of tonight’s show; Cena’s going to beat Orton to be Superstar of the Year.

Commercial.

Dennis Miller comments on the Tribute to the Troops video package before getting suck-up applause before introducing Triple H. He calls him “The Show” for some reason. Well, this is either going to Shawn/Taker or Kane/Khali. See, because one match was great and the other one sucked, so the joke is funny.

Hunter says thanks Dennis Milborne. Funny. Hunter says that the DX Army is there and that DX is defending the gold tonight.

Nominees: Michaels/Undertaker (well duh), Cena/Orton (Really? Show the pyro spot), Hardy/Edge Ladder Match (I miss Edge) where Punk won the gold (I miss Punk as Champion) RAW v. Smackdown (R-Truth is nominated for Match of the Year).

Winner: Michaels and Taker. Shawn comes out to accept despite the fact that he lost. DX hugs in their skullcaps, making this look like the gayest biker rally ever. Well, aside from Hog Wild. “I had to follow it and I didn’t stand a chance.” No kidding Hunter, but that doesn’t mean that you and Orton had to phone it in.

Shawn mentions that he won this last year when he retired Flair and this year he came up short, but he is proud of what they accomplished. See my thoughts on Benjamin/Christian regarding that comment. Michaels then says that he can beat The Undertaker and he throws out a challenge for a rematch at Wrestlemania one more time. Wait, what? Zuh?

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes The Undertaker. Orton comes out next and he waives away the excess Taker smoke. I just saw these two go at it on the Best of Smackdown DVD that my amazing fiancé got me for Hanukkah, and it’s funny to see how different (and how much more orange) Orton looks now.

Taker goes after Orton’s arm to start the match as Stryker bitches about the Dusty Finish from last night. My guess is Batista is gonna do a run-in to cost Taker the match. Meanwhile in the ring, Randy is going for the Garvin Stomp before delivering some wildly wide punches. I’m shocked Orton didn’t challenge Sheamus for a title shot, since now he’s able to get a title shot since Cena doesn’t hold the strap.

Undertaker splashes Orton in the corner before hitting Snake-eyes and the boot. He then goes for the chokeslam but gets dumped over the rope and lands on his feet. He then delivers the leg drop on the apron but gets distracted by Legacy. Taker decides to chase them off with his old man musk before eating an RKO on the outside. Orton makes it in before the ten count and I guess that’s how we’re handling that piece of business.

Legacy throws Taker into the ring and they do the Garvin Stomp before he goozles them out of the ring. He then chokeslams Orton for good measure.

Commercial.

Welcome back to hour six of the Slammy awards. Just as I type the joke, Dennis Miller delivers the exact same joke. Miller calls out Vince McMahon and mentions that Vince gave him some comedy notes. Fantastic.

Vince is introducing Best Guest Host of the Year. “Some of these guest hosts have been a little better than others.” Vince then calls a spade a spade and says that this has been a lousy audience. No argument here.

Nominees: Bob Barker (He made the most of it), Seth Green (Seemed like a mark and was the first true Guest Host), Shaq (it was cute to see him take out Big Show), Osbournes (they didn’t really do anything).

Winner: Bob Barker. We get a pretaped message from Bob Barker who thanks the WWE for selling his book. Bob breaks rule number one by calling them wrestlers, so I guess we won’t see him again. He doesn’t wish us a Happy Hanukkah, so screw you Bob.

Vince asks Dennis who he would want to see guest host, and Dennis Miller says that he’s love to see Bret Hart. Vince storms off. “He’ll be at the Chuckle House on Route 67 in Paramus New Jersey.”

Commercial.

Dennis is in the back pretending to talk on the phone before Chris Jericho walks in. Jericho thanks Dennis for showing him respect. Miller delivers a min-rant about how every guy thinks the world revolves around him. Dennis says that Chris Jericho sucks the vibe out of the show. Jericho promises to prove him wrong, as we channel both Chris Benoit and Principal Skinner.

Are you ready? Hope so, because here comes the Unified Tag Team Champions of the Woooorrlllddd…wait, those were the other guys in DX. Shawn and Hunter are out with the gold, the glowsticks and the gratuitous merchandise.

Their opponents, possibly for the last time ever, is JeriShow. Next week we will finally live the hilarity of Little People’s Court, but not before we get to see the Slammy winning JeriShow.

Hunter and Jericho are about to start it off before DX attacks the ref. He then disqualifies DX, which means JeriShow wins their rematch via DQ. Oh I get it, because it’s shenanigans. Wacky, wacky shenanigans.

Shawn asks Hunter what are they doing. He then reminds us that they are still champs. Hunter says that he cost them the winner’s prize money (that must have woken up Dusty) before saying that Jericho is officially gone. Shawn then points out that Chris Jericho is trespassing, so Hunter calls out the RAW Superstars to toss him out. Again.

A bunch of faces come out dressed in DX crap to eliminate Chris Jericho. This is kinda like that time when John Cena got Jericho banned from the WWE forever and he got carried out of the ring. Michaels hits a Superkick on Chris and then the rest of the random midcarders muscles him out of the building.

Commercial.

Here comes Carlito, Eve and Chis Masters. Masters takes off his jacket and now he’s shirtless. Fantastic. Remember when Carlito and Masters were the future of RAW? Don’t worry, neither does Creative.

Carlito is reading off the script as Masters does the pec nonsense. Carlito says that he can do it too. He then asks Eve if she can do it and she says he will never find out.

Extreme Moment Nominees: Boom Boom Boom through a Table onto Orton, Big Show sends Cena through a searchlight, Jeff Hardy drives Punk through a table and Hunter commits assault with a deadly weapon in Orton’s fake house.

Winner: Jeff Hardy at Summerslam. Huge pop. Accepting the award is Matt Hardy. Miniscule pop. Yeah, this should make up for the upcoming prison sentence. Carlito asks why Matt is accepting the award before Carlito just cracks him in the mouth. Carlito accepts the award and then thanks Jesus, the Academy, Team Jacob, Puerto Rico and Carlito. He then eats a Matherlock before Matt punches him in the face. “This is more like the Source awards.” Astute commentary mixed with thinly veiled racism is why Stryker is awesome.

Commercial.

Marine 2 trailer, aka fast forward time.

The Miz is out now and his partner is the highly entertaining Zach Ryder. Their partner is Drew McIntyre, which ensures that they are gonna win. Their opponents are John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu and Mark Hey-Hey-Henry.

Did we really need to give all six men an entrance? Really? Didn’t need to hear about somebody getting’ their wheat thrashed.

Henry goes after Miz first with a powerslam. I thought this feud ended when Miz beat him clean. Morrison gets tagged in and he goes after his former tag partner. John hits the flippy standing moonsault for two. Miz breaks free and tags in Drew McIntyre, but John goes after him with punches. Wow, this is personal. You can tell because they threw punches with reckless abandon.

Ryder gets tagged in and he demands Yoshi Tatsu. Tatsu is apparently young and exciting as he and Ryder face off before Ryder eats a kick to the head mid woo for the pin. Well that was surprising, and not really in a good way. Tatsu jumps up and down in excitement.

Commercial.

We get a seven-on-seven Diva match as they are all in gowns. Stuff happens, Rosa Mendez gets DDTed and the match is over. Goldust and MVP introduce the Diva of the Year winner, but not before Goldust says that he has MVP on the stage and PMS in the ring. The Pretty Mean Sisters are back? The winner is Maria. I figured it would be her or Kelly Kelly. I kinda hoped it would be Maryse. Who am I kidding? I really didn’t care. It’s Diva of the Year. Maria is still hot, even with a gold leaf thing. Batista shows up to do his Kanye bit in a pink Polo and says that he got screwed last night. Cops show up to escort Batista out of the arena.

Commercial.

Dennis Miller welcomes out Abraham Washington, Tony Atlas and Big Dick Johnson. TV-PG? I think not. Tony Atlas keeps laughing at Big Dick Johnson before Big Dick delivers a soliloquy before delivering the Oh My Moment of the Year.

Nominees: Chris Masters and his pecs, Shawn Michaels kills a little girl with a Superkick, Michael Cole gets drunk and pukes, Santino gets hit with a pie.

Winner: Michael Cole vomits. Cole begins to celebrate like a madman and he welcomes us to the era of Vintage and “Hook ‘em Horns.” Sigh.

Commercial.

Next week our host is Johnny Damon.

Right now I hear voices, and again it’s Randy Orton.

Commercial.

We’re back and we get a John Cena entrance. Again.

Orton starts off the match stomping away on Cena He then…uh…continues to stomp away on Cena. The fans decide to respond to this by cheering Cena, who hits a Throwback. He goes off the top rope with the leg drop for two. Pick up the pace, boys, I don’t have that much more energy.

Orton turns around and drops Cena for two as Lawler asks who has the momentum since Cena lost the title and Orton won. I don’t care who has the momentum, I just care about this show ending. Three hours of RAW the day after three hours of a PPV is long, especially when there really weren’t too many matches on this show that went over 3 minutes.

Cena is now back up and begins the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Orton can’t see him and eats the fist drop. FU goes up, Orton goes for the RKO, Cena goes for the STFU, Orton breaks free, Cena hits the FU but Orton grabs the bottom rope before the three count. Nice burst of energy right there. Orton delivers the DDT off the apron onto the floor.

Orton tosses the limp Cena into the ring because apparently he wants the pinfall. No Mr. Bond, I expect you to job. It, of course, only gets two.

Orton measures Cena for the Punt but it misses and Cena hits another FU for the pinfall. Cena is Superstar of the Year. He celebrates for a minute or two until Sheamus finally shows up to show off his spinny title.

And we…are…outta…here…

This has been for your consideration.