Welcome to Pulse Wrestling’s real-time coverage of WWE RAW! Tonight is the Slammy Awards and Dennis Miller is YOUR guest host! Keep it to the Pulse for the next three hours for the latest RAW updates!
BURN IT TO THE GROUND!
We have Undertaker v. Randy Orton and John Cena v. CM Punk as matches to determine the WWE Superstar of the Year!
AND….IT’S MILLER TIME!
Dennis Miller talks about the setup and he bores everyone with what we don’t need to know and he compares WWE to politicans, complete with pictures. OK, he’s conservative. He’s also supporting Linda McMahon for Senate, but we’re not supposed to know about it. He heels up by making an Obama joke. We’re seven minutes in…. Oh thank God we’re getting somewhere.
R-Truth and Jillian Hall are here to introduce the first Slammy Award. R-Truth disses Jillian by changing his lyrics to What’s Up to Shut Up.
Best Tag Team of the Year
Nominees: DX, Legacy, Hart Dynasty, JeriShow
And your Tag Team of the Year….JeriShow!
Jericho asks if we expected anyone else. Good to see that he wasn’t seriously hurt last night. Jericho thanks Edge for getting hurt and he thanks himself for choosing Big Show. Big Show says that despite what happened last night and they will retain…no regain their tag titles in the near future. Jericho invokes the rematch clause for tonight.
We have Striker, Cole, and Lawler in the booth tonight once again! We recap what happened last night with the WWE Title match.
Commercials.
Vote for the Diva of the Year at WWE.com.
The Roundtable is in the ring. Regal is pleased to announce that Koslov and Jackson are on the same page, so he wants Christian and two partners of his choosing. Christian found his help.
William Regal, Ezekiel Jackson, & Vladimir Koslov v. Christian, Kane, & The Great Khali
And we’re supposed to forget that Kane kidnapped Khali’s brother. The bell sounds and Khali manhandles Kozlov. Headbutts are ineffective, but Khali’s boot is very effective. Tag to Jackson and Christian gets the tag and a two count. Christian attacks Regal and Jackson takes advantage, Tag to Regal and he scores with the knee strikes. Christian holds his own, but last night catches up to him. Tag to Kane and he hits a side slam on Regal. To the top and he hits the flying clothesline. Cover gets broken up. Jackson gets tagged and he levels Kane. Tag to Koslov and Kane eats him for lunch. Tag to Khali and he hits the tomahawk chop of doom for the win!
Winner: Khali, Kane, & Christian
Grade: C
Dennis Miller is back and he congratulates the winners. He makes another joke and we go to the Breakout Star of the Year Slammy. Tiffany and T-Lo are here to present the award.
Breakout Star of the Year
Nominees: Drew McIntyre, Sheamus, Yoshi Tatsu, Abraham Washington
And your 2009 Breakout Star of the Year…..SHEAMUS!
So he thinks the people take him seriously. He mocks Cena a bit and goes on to mock the Hall of Famers. That’s about it.
Commercials.
We are back to our special edition of RAW! Matt Striker rules, I don’t care who disagrees. Our nominees for Superstar of the Year are CM Punk, Undertaker, Randy Orton, and John Cena.
Cody Rhodes v. Kofi Kingston
Kofi’s left shoulder is taped up. Lock up to start and Kofi evades a corner struggle. Kofi hits a shoulderblock, using the injured shoulder, but he quickly rebounds with a dropkick, followed by the elbow. Boom Drop connects and DiBiase is here to quickly cause the DQ. Evan Bourne saves Kofi and Dennis Miller gives himself a Slammy for changing this match into a tag team match. DOUBLE ELBOW SUICIDA CONNECTS!
Commercials.
Legacy v. Kofi Kingston & Evan Bourne
We’re back and Legacy is in control, taking out Kofi’s shoulder. Knee strikes connect from Ted and he tags in Cody.. Tag back to Ted and they continue to abuse the shoulder. Two count follows and Ted brings Cody back into the action. They double team Kofi, but eventually he is able to tag Bourne in. Cody gets taken to school! Cover attempt gets Evan a two count. Everyone gets taken out, but Bourne takes it to Rhodes. CrossRhodes out of nowhere! Legacy wins.
Winners: Legacy
Grade: D (F for part 1 C for part 2, average them out)
DX v. JeriShow TONIGHT!
Commercials.
We’re back and we have more MILLER! He brings up an Octomon reference before bringing out Santino Marella and Vickie Guerrero. HAHA! EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! They are here for the OMG Moment of the Year. Santino saves the moment.
2009 Shocker of the Year
Nominees: Randy Orton DDTs Stephanie; Batista turns on Rey Mysterio; CM Punk sends Jeff Hardy home; Sheamus puts Mark Cuban through a table.
And your 2009 Shocker of the Year….CM Punk sends Jeff Hardy home!
Commercials.
CM Punk is in the ring to gloat about the Slammy. Be thanks himself and he goes on with his straightedge talk. The truth does hurt. He will go on and become the 2009 Superstar of the Year.
CM Punk v. John Cena
Superstar of the Year Tournament
The bell rings and they immediately lock up. Punk sends Cena to the ropes and he eats a shoulderblock. Punk returns the favor and gets a one count. Cena to the corner and Punk scores with the corner bulldog. Two count only. Rear naked choke is applied. Cena gets up and fights out of it. GTS attempt…countered at the last second to the STF! Punk gets dragged to the center of the ropes and Punk taps? The Hell?
Winner: John Cena
Grade: FTS
Who’s bowl of cereal did Punk piss in to warrant a two minute squash?
John Cena has the mic and he congratulates Sheamus for being the new WWE Champion. He apologizes to anyone that he let down last night. He has suffered a setback, but he won’t give up. He will overcome the odds. Some people lost faith in him and he respects that. He wants the Cena army to step up one more time. What happened last night will never happen again and his road to Wrestlemania starts NOW! He can’t be stopped. He makes a pledge to never lose a match until he becomes WWE Champion!
Commercials.
We’re back and Dennis Miller is here to present the 2009 Match of the Year. “The Ace of Spades” “The King of Kings” “The Show” according to Miller…Triple H gets to do the honors.
2009 Match of the Year
Nominees: Undertaker v. Shawn Michaels; John Cena v. Randy Orton (I Quit Match); Jeff Hardy v. Edge; Team RAW v. Team SmackDown (Bragging Rights)
The 2009 Match of the Year….Shawn Michaels v. The Undertaker!
Triple H pimps the Wrestlemania 25 DVD and he talks about having to follow that match. Shawn talks about coming up short and he takes control of the Slammy. He makes a pledge that he can beat Undertaker and he knows it. He wants the match…at WRESTLEMANIA 26!
Commercials.
The Undertaker v. Randy Orton
Superstar of the Year Tournament
The bell sounds and Taker is caught in a headlock. Taker takes offense and immediately goes Old School. Orton counters with a hiptoss and he goes for the Galvin Stomp. He tees off on Taker in the corner, but Taker fights back. Pillar to post we go and Taker hits Snake Eyes! Big Boot follows as does the leg drop for a two count. Taker looks for the Chokeslam…Orton gets out of it. Orton clotheslines Taker out, but he lands on his feet. TAKER SWEEPS THE LEGS! Back inside, Taker drops the leg on the apron and Legacy makes their appearance. Distraction noted as Orton gets the RKO on the outside! Orton is in just in time! Lame…
Winner: Randy Orton
Grade: D-
Legacy attacks Taker post-match. Taker fights back and he takes care of Legacy and Orton by himself.
Commercials.
Back for some more Miller fun. Guest Host of the Year honors is next. Vince McMahon is here to do the honors and he gave Dennis Miller some comedy tips.
2009 Guest Host of the Year
Nominees: Bob Barker, Seth Green, SHAQ, and The Osbournes
And your Guest Host of the Year……..BOB BARKER
We get a cameo for Bob Barker, HAHA!
Vince asks Dennis Miller who he would pick for a future RAW Guest Host. Dennis Miller wants Bret Hart. Vince says that Bret wouldn’t be interested. Dennis pushes the issue and Vince walks away in disgust.
Commercials.
Dennis Miller is on the phone and in comes Chris Jericho. Chris kisses up to Dennis a bit and Dennis tells it like it is. He calls Chris an energy black hole. Miller compares Jericho to Kayne West showing up at a Taylor Swift fanclub. HAHA, by far the best segment of the night involving Miller.
WWE Unified Tag Team Titles: DX v. JeriShow
Jericho and Hunter start things off in our tag team match. Shawn gets on all fours behind the referee and Trips shoves him for the blatant DQ.
Winners: JeriShow (Still Champions: DX)
Grade: NR
Shawn complains to Hunter for the loss, but they are still the champions. Hunter costs the match, but he cost JeriShow their rematch. HAHA! There is a DX army that wants to eliminate Chris Jericho from RAW for good. Jericho complains and he eats Sweet Chin Music. He rolls out of the ring and is in front of the honorary DX army. Jericho is gone…and if we’re not down with that, then you know what to do.
Backstage, Jericho gets thrown out of the building.
Commercials.
Carlito, Chris Masters, Chris Masters’ boobs, and Eve Torres are here for the Most Extreme Moment of the Year. Chris Masters’ boobs distract Carlito so he asks Eve if she can do that too, but he’ll never find out.
2009 Extreme Moment of the Year
Nominees: Kofi Kingston drops the Boom on Randy Orton; Big Show puts Cena through a spotlight; Jeff Hardy takes out CM Punk with a big ladder; Triple H invades Randy Orton’s ladder
Your 2009 Extreme Moment of the Year….Jeff Hardy takes out CM Punk with a big ladder!
Matt Hardy accepts the award for Jeff and he thanks the fans for Jeff. Carlito complains and he decks him with an apple. Carlito thanks himself and he gets locked in the Masterlock! Hardy is back up and he knocks Carlito for a loop. HA!
Commercials.
We’re back and we preview The Marine:2.
The Miz makes his way to the ring for a six man tag.
The Miz, Zack Ryder, & Drew McIntyre v. John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, & Mark Henry
The bell rings and Henry gets caught up with the heel corner. Miz tries to overpower him, but is unsuccessful. Military press lands and Morrison tags in, He takes the Miz down and he hits a standing moonsault for two. Miz hits Morrison with a closed fist and tags in McIntyre. Morrison goes to town on McIntyre and McIntyre tags in Zack Ryder. He wants Tatsu and he gets Tatsu. Lockup to begin and Tatsu gives Zack something to Woo about…a loss.
Winners: Morrison, Tatsu, & Henry
Grade: FTS
The divas are up next.
Commercials.
Seven on Seven Divas Tag: Team Mickie James v. Team Michelle McCool
This is a clusterf*ck waiting to happen with the divas wrestling in high heels. Rosa starts things off with Mickie James and she goes to town. Slaps ensue and Mickie takes offense to this. Mickiecurana connects and she hits the DDT. Cover and that’s it.
Winners: Team Mickie James
Grade: F…T…S
Goldust and MVP make their way to the stage to announce the 2009 Diva of the Year. Goldust wants the Slammy to himself. The nominees are every WWE Diva. Goldust makes a PMS joke and he excuses himself.
Your 2009 Diva of the Year…Maria
Maria goes up to accept the award. Batista comes to give us our Kayne West moment. He rocks the pink shirt and the cops go to take him off the stage. IT’S ABOUT ME! No, it’s not.
Commercials.
Thanks for the warning about the upcoming train wreck, Dennis Miller. We have Abraham Washington, Tony Atlas, and Big Dick Johnson. To quote the esteemed Charlie Reneke, “The only way Miller could bomb worse is if he strapped a suicide vest to his chest and detonated on-air”. Isn’t that the truth.
The “Oh My!” Moment of the Year
Nominees: Chris Master’s boobs; Shawn Michaels kicks a little girl; Michael Cole throws up on Chris Jericho, Santino Marella gets pied in the face. and Vickie Guerrero gets caked on. Get it? CAKED ON!
The “Oh My” Moment of the Year…Michael Cole puking.
It’s the era of Vintage and Oh My. January 4th can’t come soon enough.
Dennis Miller has to get going because he is going to take his eye socket out with a power drill.
Cena v. Orton…NEXT. Please give us a decent match…PLEASE!
Commercials.
DX is here to spread some holiday cheer. We even have the official DX SNUGGIE! We can’t have a DX segment without Hornswoggle and he gives them WWEShop.com gift cards. The Midget raping ensues. Instead, Trips beats up on Shawn. Trips promptly runs away.
Johnny Damon is in charge and some secret Santas are going to be on hand.
Commercials.
To Determine the 2009 Superstar of the Year: Randy Orton v. John Cena
It’s 10PM EST and your main event is about to begin. The bell rings and Cena goes balls on Orton! Pillar to post we go and Cena hits a fisherman suplex for two. Cena tees off on Orton and he hits a scoop slam. Elbow drop gets another two count. Pillar to post we go again…Orton evades the bulldog and Cena goes out of the ring. The fight spills to the outside and Orton sends Cena into the steel ring post. Back in the ring and we get a two count for Orton. Orton busts out the Galvin stomp. Orton tees off on Cena and Cena is reeling in the corner. Cena floats over and he hits the Throwback! To the top and he drops the leg…cover gets two! Orton reverses a whip into the 3.0 Backbreaker! Cover and TWO COUNT! Orton goes back to work on Cena, but Cena schoolboys Orton for two. Orton hits a lariat and gets another two count. Galvin stomp by Orton as the pace is different tonight. Orton misses the knee drop and Cena hits the shoulderblocks…Protobomb…Five Knuckle Shuffle. Attitude Adjustment attempt…countered, RKO countered…Drop toe hold into the STF…countered…Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton gets the ropes! Orton comes back…SPIKE DDT TO THE FLOOR! Both men are down. Cena sandbags as Orton brings him back in the ring. Cover…TWO COUNT ONLY! Orton looks at Cena and he sets up for the punt. He charges…MISSES! Attitude Adjustment connects! Cena wins.
Winner and the 2009 Superstar of the Year: John Cena
Grade: B
Sheamus comes out on the stage to stare down at Cena…
Show Over.
The Final Grade for WWE RAW: F
The Final Pulse
The main event was decent, but it doesn’t help the show. Dennis Miller made too many jokes…some at which I laughed…some at which I shook my head. The show sucked for the most part and in my mind…the worst RAW of 2009. It’s a shame since I actually had decent hopes on Dennis Miller. You can’t win them all. I know many of you might disagree and that is your right. See you in seven.
