For Your Consideration…When They Promised Us a Yankee, I Thought We Were Getting George Costanza

For Your Consideration…When They Promised Us a Yankee, I Thought We Were Getting George Costanza

That’s right, two “For Your Consideration” columns in one day! Woohoo! Well, to be fair, one of them dealt with TNA, so I’ll forgive you if you missed it (though I highly recommend you give it a read, I almost make TNA bearable). Also, I’ll get my shameless Twitter plug out of the way (twitter.com/awheeler316) so we can just move right into the show.

“Everyone has a price.”

Yes, the Million Dollar Man is now Signature worthy. Bet you’re reconsidering suicide now, ain’t ya Hulkster?

We open with the always amazing Nickelback song as I jam a fork into my ear to stop the pain. Then, unlike TNA, we get some real live PYRO and some damn ballyhoo. Michael Cole welcomes us to Tampa, home of my grandmother.

Tonight we will finally see the “hilarious” Little People’s Court. Speaking of guaranteed losers, Jack Swagger takes on John Cena, complete with a Christmas graphic.

Johnny Damon gets booed out of the building because apparently Tampa Bay has a baseball team. Who knew? As a Yankees fan and a Marlins fan, I am doubly enjoying the ignorance of the Rays fans.

Damon comes out dressed in a Vinnie Chase-esque shirt and is rocking a sweet haircut. Unfortunately, his charisma dies as soon as he opens his mouth. See, this is why he doesn’t do too much talking in his endorsement ads. Johnny turns heel immediately by talking about how he’s won in Boston and New York before reminding us he’s a free agent. Oh, and he’s in charge of the WWE franchise. Please let him stop talking soon.

Tonight there are Secret Santas who will grant wishes. Wait, we get a blonde woman chasing a guy in a tiger costume with a golf club. You know, like that golfer Ernie Els. She hits him with the club and then they run away. Damon then announces the Divas so tentatively that you’d swear he’s still a virgin.

Melina, Gail Kim and Kelly come out dressed as Santa’s Little Helpers. Speaking of dogs, here comes Jillian Hall. She’s accompanied by Alicia Fox and Melina, who is rocking that Santa outfit. So what’s the over-under on the ho, ho ho jokes?

Jillian and Gail Kim start it off and Gail hits a crossbody off the top rope for two. Jillian throws her into the corner and goes for the handstand splash but gets caught. She reverses and drops Gail Kim for two. Maryse gets tagged in and I’m shocked Big Dick Johnson didn’t write a skit where he was Santa and he puts Maryse on his naughty list. See the perks when you book the show?

Kelly gets tagged in and actually hits a dropkick before hitting a hurricarana and then a Fame-Ass-Er for two. Well dang, I guess she can kinda wrestle. Maryse scoops her up for a slam but Melina dropkicks Kelly and she gets the pin.

Santa Claus grants a wish to a RAW Superstar tonight, but if that’s not dumb enough, we have Little People’s Court coming up next.

Commercial.

Tomorrow night on ECW we continue the ECW Homecoming tournament with Jack Swagger taking on Yoshi Tatsu. Yay for Swagger, boo for Tatsu.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Too Cool for Ties” Cole throw us to Little People’s Court.

Shawn is reading something and Hunter shows up and the summons says to go to the ring. I’m not sure if they have jurisdiction. Wow, the empty arena looks kinda creepy. Speaking of creepy, Shawn and Hunter crawl under the ring which apparently transports them to total darkness. It’s a dark match.

Michaels pulls out DX Glowsticks….available now on WWEShop.gov. They turn the lights on and apparently under the ring is…a hallway in the arena. Shawn and Hunter are keeping this light, but it’s going on too long and they haven’t even walked in yet.

We enter Little People’s Court and sure enough there are a bunch of midgets. Midget jurors, midget judge, midget bailiff…big laughs. The little judge bangs her gavel and they sit in tiny chairs. It’s funny because everything is small but they are big. Hunter makes a joke about the bailiff’s receding hairline looking the same as Shawn’s. Hornswoggle walks in and sits at the witness stand. He then yells gibberish about how he’s suing them for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. Exhibit A is DX harassing him verbally. In order for this to hold up in court, he’d need to show a physical manifestation of the emotional distress as per Florida law. Glad that law degree has come in handy.

We get a VO promising that this will continue…unfortunately.

I now hear voices. You might think those voices are coming from Legacy, but they really are coming from my subconscious begging me to change the channel. I will not, however, because if I could make it through a TNA PPV, I can survive this.

Orton and Legacy pose in the ring looking all ominous and shiny before Kofi’s music hits. Kingston is accompanied by Mark Henry and Evan Bourne. Apparently Kofi lost his pyro, which is a shame. So we know Henry can job and we KNOW Bourne can job, so will we get a swerve or will we get the inevitable?

Hey-Hey Henry and Randy Orton start it out but Randy immediately tags in Cody Rhodes, who gets launched into the ring by Henry. Mark goes for a splash but Teddy tries to stop him and he gets launched. Henry presses Cody and drops him before tagging in Kofi. Apparently Kofi is no longer the fun loving guy according to Cole. He claims it’s because of Orton, but I think it has something to do with the cracking down on the marijuana usage. Speaking of things going up in smoke, we are heading to…

Commercial.

We’re back as Kofi and Cody are going at it. Kofi makes a hot tag to Bourne who pulls out Token Offense! Bourne then takes out Orton and Teddy before climbing to the top rope and FINALLY hitting AirBourne. That move is so over that there is no reason he can’t use it every week. Orton pulls Bourne to the outside and hits a clothesline. Orton gets tagged in clean and begins his Garvin Stomp. Randy then slingshots Bourne against the bottom rope and the kid might be dead. Oh wait, this is scripted…he’s fine. Teddy gets tagged in and shows some of that charisma we witnessed in the Marine 2 trailer. He hits a vertical suplex for two before locking in a sleeper. Speaking of sleepers, when does that DVD come out? Christmas is rapidly approaching and there are a lot of people I don’t like who need gifts.

Bourne gets some more Token Offense before eating a clothesline for two. Cole and Lawler are shocked SHOCKED that Bourne kicked out from a clothesline. Evan takes down Teddy and we get yet another hot tag crawl. Kingston gets tagged in and goes after Orton with some chops as Mark Henry just now realized that he wasn’t tagging with MVP.

Kofi starts doing his Tatanka Dance before hitting Boom Boom Boom but Cody makes a save. Henry throws a shoulderblock to chase away Cody. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise on Teddy and that’s the match. Too short to be anything but it was sure spirited. And hey, Evan Bourne didn’t job! Evan Bourne didn’t job! See Middle East, miracles do happen.

Damon, Santa, Eve and the Bella Twins are in the back with a Christmas Tree and eggnog. Carlito shows up in a snazzy J.Crew shirt. He and Eve are standing under mistletoe so Carlito tries to kiss her but he closes his eyes and Eve is replaced by Chris Masters. Santa Claus, who is revealed to be Sgt. Slaughter, asks Damon to make the match, so tonight we all get a lump of coal in the form of Masters/Carlito. Slaughter then points out to Damon that they’re under the mistletoe, but despite his haircut and line delivery, Johnny Damon says he doesn’t wanna kiss men. Quick, cut to…

Commercial.

We’re back at Little People’s Court. Seriously. Hunter says that this is a little misunderstanding before saying that he loves midgets. I think Jericho, Guerrero and Malenko would disagree. Shawn promises to make it short before we get Exhibit B: DX attacking Hornswoggle at MSG to no reaction.

Shawn says that Hornswoggle isn’t gonna be in DX unless he does a bunch of Ultimate Warrior clichés. The midgets pelt them with cups and they run out of the courtroom. They then run back from under the ring and say that it’s freaky. Freaky isn’t the word that comes to mind. Pure unadulterated crap is more like it. DX then flees the ring and we come back to a live crowd that by all rights should be completely dead.

John Cena is in the back and he doffs his cap to let us know we’re heading to…

Commercial.

Smackdown this week has DX defending against the Hart Dynasty and Taker defends against Mysterio.

The Subway Slam of the Week is a freshly toasted John Cena promo. And by that I mean you probably have to be high to think that it’s anything you haven’t heard before.

John Cena is there and he’s in Gator colors in Florida. Apparently Cena would trade his Superstar of the Year title to get back his WWE title. Ya think Cole?

Here comes Jack Swagger, who hopefully will have a decent showing before jobbing. Swagger does his push-up pyro shtick that I really don’t think fits his character all that much. Apparently if Jack Swagger beats Cena, he’s in the title hunt.

Cena takes his shirt off and the fans screech. Cena has vowed to not lose a match until he regains the title. Swagger had a similar vow, but that didn’t really work out well. At all. Swagger overpowers Cena into the corner and drives his knee into John’s stomach. Cole references a solid Swagger promo from Superstars in which he said that he is a role model whether he likes it or not.

Jack gets reversed and eats a bulldog. He then gets dumped over the top rope and crashes hard into the…

Commercial.

We’re back and Swagger has Cena locked in with a resthold but Cena powers out but gets caught into a spinebuster that hits so hard, it makes the Copyright logo appear on the bottom of the screen. I will say this, I’m glad that Jack has gotten some offense here and that he wasn’t just immediately jobbed out.

Swagger connects with a sideslam for two and these two actually still have a bit of chemistry with each other. I thought their match from the WWE Draft was entertaining

Jack locks in that double-arm lock as Cena tries to power out. Cena breaks free and hits a belly-to-belly for two. Cole reminds us for about the tenth time tonight that Johnny Damon is hosting, something that based on his opening promo you’d think they would want us to forget.

Swagger goes for the running Vader Bomb and hits it for two. Swagger is stalking Cena and he goes for the Gutwrench Powerbomb but John counters. Cena hits shoulderblocks and the Five Moves of Adequacy. You Can’t See Me and the Five Knuckle Vintage Shuffl but Swagger rolls out of the FU and hits a running powerslam for two.

Swagger has Cena on the top turnbuckle set up for a superplex but Cena powers out and knocks him off and goes for the top rope legdrop but Swagger moves. Jack goes for the Vader Bomb again but misses and gets trapped in the STFU. Jack taps and it’s over. Say what you want, they didn’t make Swagger look like a bitch.

Damon is in the back with Santa Claus who sounds a lot like Dusty Rhodes. MVP shows up and apparently still has a job. Porter wants to make 2010 the year of MVP. Aw, that’s so cute. Porter asks for a chance to earn a title shot so he challenges Sheamus tonight. Santa Rhodes says that MVP reminds him a lot of himself (in that they can cut decent promos but usually fail to deliver in the ring), so Damon books the match. Dusty sees the mistletoe and chuckles. Okay…

Commercial.

Hey, it’s that guy who spits in the faces of people he thinks are not cool. Hey, it’s that guy who tends to vanish for months for no reason only to re-appear, seem motivated for a week and then vanish.

We relive the magic that was Carlito attacking Matt Hardy until Chris Masters ruined it with his Matherlock.

Chris Masters is on RAW and he’s accompanied by Eve Torres, which just makes me sad. Cole says that he is really interested in the relationship they have, which obviously makes him a pervert.

Masters and Carlito hammer away on each other and its former obscure tag partners colliding! The Meh-Ugh Powers are pounding away at each other before Carlito locks in a sleeper that Masters breaks free and hits a slam. The audience is silent as Masters goes for a Matherlock but eats a jawbreaker before going for another Matherlock. Carlito breaks free only to springboard off the second rope and get caught in the Matherlock to end this abortion before it even gets started. Hey, at least it’s over. Eve hugs Masters before she pulls out the mistletoe and kisses Chris. He tries to look like a straight guy, but he kept his eyes open while kissing her. Well, at least he didn’t puke on the Diva.

We re-live Tribute to the Troops with yet another video package.

Coming up later tonight, Sheamus will face MVP. There’s no avoiding it.

Commercial.

We’re back and the Tiger is hanging out with the Bella Twins. Santa is talking with The Miz, and I’m pretty sure it’s IRS. Miz says that he is the US Champion but he also wants to be WWE Champion before calling his fans Miz-takes. Sure enough, it’s IRS and he says that he’s auditing Miz. Tiger’s girlfriend shows up with a golf club and chases him away. Santa IRS calls Johnny Damon a tax cheat before Mae Young shows up and kisses Damon. Well that’ll probably kill him.

Here comes Sheamus, which makes me wonder what the hell our main event is going to be. Is it going to be something involving DX and midgets?

Sheamus is the WWE Champion, which breaks my brain a little.

Commercial.

Next week Timbaland is hosting, which should be…something.

Sheamus is in the ring and he’s still chuckling for some reason. We get still shots of Cena going through a table, which Lawler says may have occurred because Cena might have slipped. Nothing says strong champion like winning because of a fluke accident.

MVP and his promo get a mild pop and this might be the closest MVP comes to being near the WWE title for quite a while. Sheamus stomps on Porter before driving his shoulder into him in the corner.

Sheamus delivers a backbreaker to MVP and I hope he is made to look very strong against Porter. Cole says that Sheamus is developing confidence. Uh Cole, he’s ALREADY WWE Champion. How much more confidence does he need? And just as I type that, Lawler says the exact same thing. MVP now goes for the Ballin’ Elbow but he eats the bicycle kick to the face. He then hits the Razor’s Edge for the pin. Well they certainly went out of their way to make MVP look like a complete bitch. I nominate Chris Masters for this slot next week.

John Cena runs out to the ring with a microphone and the crowd is buzzing. Cena reminds us that Sheamus owes him a rematch. John demands his rematch right now. Sheamus bails but then climbs right back into the ring before bailing again.

Commercial.

We’re back and I’m really terrified that the main event will feature midgets.

Johnny Damon is in the back with Vince McMahon who mocks Damon for making out with Mae Young. Damon books Cena/Sheamus for next week before Damon asks about Bret Hart.

Here comes The Miz and who else is left on the roster that hasn’t wrestled tonight? Oh, Santino. I mean, ugh…Santino. Santino is dressed like Santa and he tosses presents out to the fans. And what luck, he has a microphone. He sings a Santino Claus song before saying that he isn’t going to be nice to The Miz. I don’t think this match is going to be very nice to the audience. Miz jumps Santino from the get-go and I wish that I could fast forward live television. First a TNA PPV and now this? Stop the pain.

Miz hits a neckbreaker and finally hits the SCF to end this match. Miz then stomps on Santino’s Santa bag some reason. This show just has no momentum whatsoever.

We actually do a replay of Little People’s Court for those of us that tried block this out of our minds.

Really? We’re gonna replay pretty much this whole thing? Really?!

Big Show is walking in the back but he gets stopped by Josh Matthews. Big Show promises to call out Santa Claus and right now all I wish for is a refill on my drink.

Commercial.

We’re back and Sheamus/Cena officially has a graphic.

We now get a trailer for Marine 2 and why the hell didn’t I tape this show to fast forward through?

Well, it’s the Big Show. Show says that a Santa will grant a wish and apparently that Superstar is Big Show. Show should probably wish for a speedy surgery. The Bella Twins come out with yet another Santa.

Big Show has Santa sit on his knee and this is creepy as hell. Big Show wishes for Chris Jericho back on RAW. Santa grants the wish but Hornswoggle runs out and reveals that Santa was in fact Chris Jericho. Hornswoggle then brings a bunch of midgets out from under the ring and they are all dressed in DX gear. JeriShow beat up the midgets and I think I’ve lost the will to live. Big Show delivers a sidewalk slam onto one of the midgets and I think its dead. Jericho grabs Hornswoggle and now JeriShow is going to kill the little bastard once and for all. Big Show goes for a Chokeslam on Hornswoggle but DX makes the save. They take out JeriShow and celebrate with the midget. I can’t believe this is really on television.

Hunter wants to squash Hornswoggle but Shawn says that it’s Christmas but Hunter says that for Christmas he wants to squash Hornswoggle. Apparently Shawn has taken a liking to the midget. Apparently Hunter doesn’t hate him so much. With an endorsement like that, look for Hornswoggle to win the WWE Title next week. Shawn asks to keep him but Hunter says that they have a height requirement. See, that’s why X-Pac isn’t around anymore. Hornswoggle is now the official DX mascot.

Regrettably, this has been for your consideration.