Last week was an organized disaster…hopefully this week’s show will be much better. Happy Holidays from all of us at Pulse Wrestling and tonight I’m here for real-time coverage of Monday Night RAW, guest hosted by Johnny Damon. Tonight, DX goes to Little People’s Court and a WWE Hall of Famer and former Women’s Champion is scheduled to be here tonight. Keep it to the Pulse for real-time updates starting at the top of the hour!
Author’s Note: Due to time constraints, I won’t have your normal Report Card or my thoughts at the end of the report. Instead, I’ll use star ratings this week and I’ll most likely sneak in some comments during the real-time coverage. Thanks for understanding…and things will be back to normal next week!
WWE…BURN IT TO THE GROUND!
We are LIVE from Tampa, Florida!
Tonight, John Cena takes on Jack Swagger and DX goes to court!
Justin Roberts intros us to Johnny Damon. A Yankee in Devil Ray country…this should be interesting. Or should it be a Yankee in Marlin country? He wishes us Merry Christmas. He acknowledges the boos and he don’t know where he will be in 2010…but it doesn’t matter tonight. We have some secret Santas tonight to grant one superstar one wish.
Oh God…we have a tiger…and a woman wielding a three iron parading around in the ring. Is that even on the script?
Six Diva Tag Team Match: Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Melina v. Jillian Hall, Alicia Fox, & Maryse
All the divas are dressed as Santa’s Little Helpers. Gail and Jillian start things off and we go corner to corner. Jillian misses a charge and Gail uses her head. Crossbody and that gets two for Gail. Jillian does her handspring elbow, but Gail gets on top and Jillian drops her in an electric chair for two. Tag to Maryse and she does a backbreaker for a two count. This is longer than last week’s 14 Diva tag. Kelly comes in and she owns Maryse. Leg drop gets a two count and the divas go wild. Melina sneaks in and dropkicks Maryse into a rollup by Kelly for the win.
Winners: Kelly, Gail, & Melina
Match Rating: *
Commercials.
The ECW Homecoming continues tomorrow night!
We’re back and we discuss the DX/Hornswoggle angle. We go to court…NOW!
Earlier today, Shawn and Hunter are in the empty arena reading a paper. They go to the ring and go underneath the ring. It’s dark…so they use a DX glow stick. Somehow they aren’t under the ring anymore. They walk and they find where it is. There’s plenty of little people in here… Oh God…this is going downhill already. Hornswoggle comes in and he grunts a bit. Would it hurt his credibility to give him some actual English speaking lines?
Exhibit A: DX embarrasses Hornswoggle…or is it the other way around?
We’ll return to this later.
Time for another six man tag match.
Randy Orton & The Legacy v. Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, & Mark Henry
Where did MVP go? The bell rings and Orton squares off against Henry…actually, he tags in Rhodes and takes a powder. He goes in the corner and DiBiase gets leveled. Military Press by Henry on Rhodes and he tags in Kofi who beats the hell out of Rhodes in the corner. He goes for the splash in the corner and he misses badly. Tag to Orton and we go to break as Orton is about ready to take it to Kofi.
Commercials.
We’re back and Cody Rhodes has Kofi Kingston in a headlock, but Kofi fights out…for a second. Off the ropes Cody goes and he gets backdropped. Tag to Bourne and he takes it to Rhodes. DOUBLE DROPKICK TO ORTON AND DIBIASE! Rhodes goes for the CrossRhodes, but Bourne counters…AIR BOURNE CONNECTS! It’s balls to the walls as Orton drags Bourne out and he hits a hard lariat out of the ring. Rhodes covers for a two count. Tag to Orton and he hits the Galvin stomp. Orton catapults Bourne to the bottom rope and that only gets two. Tag to DiBiase and he hits a brainbuster…BOURNE KICKS OUT! Kick to the ribs and DiBiase continues the pressure on the head and neck. Bourne tries to fight back and he does. Both run the ropes and DiBiase hits Bourne with a discus clothesline…TWO COUNT ONLY! Tag to Rhodes and he does a little work before tagging DiBiase back in. Bourne sends DiBiase to the corner…DROPKICK! Both men are down. Tag to Orton! Tag to Kofi! Kofi has the upperhand! Orton sends Kofi to the corner, but he springboards to a roundhouse! Boom drop connects, but Rhodes intervenes. Henry takes out Rhodes and DiBiase blind tags in….Kofi sees it and DiBiase eats Trouble in Paradise for the win!
Winners: Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, & Evan Bourne
Match Rating: ***
Johnny Damon has some fun backstage with Santa and the divas. Eve Torres and Carlito are under the mistletoe, but Chris Masters replaces Eve and they want to fight. Santa Slaughter wants them to fight tonight, but he can’t make matches. Johnny Damon says that it’s on and we get an uncomfortable moment where Slaughter wanted to kiss Damon… And I thought Dennis Miller was bad… Maybe I need to rewatch last week’s show for a second opinion.
Commercials.
We’re back to the Little People’s Court. Hunter thinks it’s all a misunderstanding and Shawn calls them trolls. Some more short jokes are made and we go to Exhibit B…where Hornswoggle gets Pedigreed. Shawn goes nuts and if he wants DX, he has to take on some challenges. The mob goes to attack DX and they gey back out from underneath the ring. Shawn gets dragged underneath the ring…but they run away. Oh God…
John Cena walks.
Commercials.
Last week: John Cena vows to not lose until he regains the WWE Title.
John Cena v. Jack Swagger
Oh God…Swagger might have the crabs…or jock itch. The bell rings and Swagger takes Cena down with mat based wrestling. He tees off on Cena in the corner and chokes Cena out. Pillar to post…reversed by Cena who executes the bulldog. He elevates Swagger out of the ring and it’s time for break. Why so many commercials in such a short time?
Commercials.
We’re back and Swagger has Cena in a modified full nelson. Cena uses his strength to get out of the hold. Shoulderblock attempt countered into a high angle spinebuster by Swagger. Pushups ensue and Swagger continues control. Gut shots in the corner followed by a club shot to the back. Swagger misses a charge and Cena goes toe to toe…Bulldog attempt by Cena is countered to a side slam for a two count. Swagger locks the arms against the back…another modified full nelson. This time, the back is hyperextended a bit. Snapmare takedown and Swagger goes back to the full nelson on the side guard. Cena tries to get up…and he creates separation. Swagger misses a right and Cena hits a Belly-to-Belly for two. Pillar to Post we go and Swagger catches Cena again! Leg drop connects and Swagger sets Cena up. Swagger Splash connects…but Cena is able to kick out! Gutwrench suplex attempt by Swagger is countered with a backdrop and both men are down. Swagger misses a charge AND HERE COMES CENA! Protobomb connects! Cena drops some Five Knuckle Shuffle and Swagger counters the Attitude Adjustment with a dragon screw! Running Dominator by Swagger keeps Cena down for two! Swagger goes after Cena in the corner and we go to the top. Big Mistake…as Cena counters the superplex and he drops the leg…MISSES! Swagger goes for the Swagger Splash…MISSES! Cena has Swagger in the STF and Swagger TAPS!
Winner: John Cena
Match Rating: ***1/2
Did I just watch Cena win in a highly competitive match? There wasn’t no 30 second comeback that is normal for Cena. Cena was human.
Santa Rhodes is talking to Damon and MVP wants to prove that he has what it takes to be World Champion. He wants an opportunity to compete for a title shot. He wants Sheamus v. MVP and that match is on tonight!
Commercials.
We’re back!
Chris Masters v. Carlito
My computer ate this recap, but it’s nothing to write home about. Masters tries the Masterlock several times and Carlito breaks it. Carlito does a sleeper attempt, but Masters catches Carlito off the ropes with a Masterlock and Carlito passes out. Post match, Eve Torres kisses Chris Masters and his boobs jingle.
Winner: Chris Masters
Match Rating: 1/4*
We get a recap of Tribute to the Troops. I have a recap of the show here.
Commercials.
We’re back and the Bella Twins hang out with Tiger. Santa IRS talks to the Miz, who wants to be WWE Champion and he wants everything. Looks like the Miz is being audited and the blond bimbo spots the Tiger and she wields the three iron like…err…I’m not gonna finish that sentence. IRS calls Johnny and baseball players the biggest tax cheats of all time. Johnny finds himself under the mistletoe…and it’s Mae Young giving Johnny something he’ll never forget. She also made my stomach forget what I ate tonight.
Sheamus v. MVP
But first……
Commercials.
Timbaland is your guest host next week and the shock value will be increased a hundred fold!
Now…
Sheamus v. MVP
Sheamus attacks after the bell and he takes MVP to town in the corner. MVP goes low and Sheamus responds with a clubbing blow to the back. The Rock Bottom Backbreaker (for the lack of a better name) connects and MVP crawls to the corner. Sheamus charges and he eats turnbuckle. MVP goes toe to toe and Sheamus eats on MVP’s knee. Ballin’ Elbow…I DON’T THINK SO! Bicycle kick connects and Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge to finish this squash.
Winner: Sheamus
Match Rating: DUD
HERE COMES CENA! He has a microphone and he says that Sheamus owes Cena a rematch. The shirt comes off and he wants his rematch RIGHT NOW! SHeamus backs off once…twice…and he makes Cena wait.
Commercials.
Johnny Damon wants mouthwash, but Vince comes in and suggests sandpaper. Vince wants Damon to make the match sometime…so we get it next week. Damon name drops Bret Hart and Vince shrugs it off. He gets cleaned up some more and wants that mouthwash.
The Miz v. Santino Claus
Santino gives some gifts out and he rocks it out to “Santino Claus is Coming to Town.” So…he’s better than Jillian Hall. The bell sounds and Miz beats the Santa out of Santino. He chokes away in the ropes and he drops his weight on him in the process. Neckbreaker connects for the Miz and he continues to beat a hole into Santino. He charges..MISSES THE CORNER ASSAULT! Santino does the splits and hits an armdrag before going to the top rope. Saluting headbutt misses and the Skull Crushing Finale finishes this.
Winner: The Miz
Match Rating: 1/2*
The Miz steps on the bag of goodies and kicks it out of the ring.
We recap the Little People’s Court segments of Hell. Gotta say…Shawn is awesome, though.
Big Show walks and is stopped by Josh Matthews. He is tired of the imposter Santas so he’s calling Santa out.
Commercials.
The Marine 2 trailer plays. I don’t care what anyone else says…I’m going to at least rent the movie. Can’t be any worse than some of the other movies I seen.
Here comes the Big Show to call out Santa Claus. He doesn’t want the imposter…he wants the real deal. So here comes someone with the Bella Twins. He actually looks like a legit Santa. Since Big Show is too big, Santa sits on Big Show’s knee. Big Show wants his best friend and tag partner, Chris Jericho, back on RAW. Seems that Santa doesn’t like Jericho. So next week Chris Jericho will be back on RAW. Here comes Hornswoggle because we didn’t see him enough tonight. He pulls the beard…and he exposes Santa as a fraud as Chris Jericho. HAHAHA! The Midget DX army circle te ring and surround Jericho. The suit comes off and the midgets gangbang Jericho and Big Show comes for the save. Show picks up a midget and he drops him on the canvas. Show then picks the midget up and hands him to the referees. Hownswoggle is in peril in front of JeriShow and…he tunes up the band?
He kicks Jericho in the shins and here comes DX to save Hornswoggle? Jericho gets tossed out of the ring and Big Show gets double suplexed. They surround Hornswoggle now and Hunter wants to squash him. Shawn says no. He suddenly has a heart. Hunter hates him less and Shawn wants to keep him. They won’t let him in DX, but they will make him a mascot.
Show over. See you in seven.
