For Your Consideration…Timba-Bland is Hosting RAW (What? He sucks too much for me to be creative)

For Your Consideration…Timba-Bland is Hosting RAW (What? He sucks too much for me to be creative)

Welcome to the last “For Your Consideration” of 2009. Well, to be more accurate, this is the last FYC RAW recap/commentary of the year. Despite my severe aversion to “Best of” columns (I tend to think that they are lazy, shortsighted and always lead to bitter debate that robs anyone the ability to digest the material without constantly yelling at their computers before realizing that they are yelling at a nonresponsive screen), I have been working on a “Best of” column covering the top moments of the past decade. Look for it to be up sometime probably Wednesday (got held up this weekend due to my birthday on Sunday), and I fully expect to be inundated with angry comments and e-mails when it gets published (to know exactly when it’s going up, follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316).

Tonight’s RAW should be an interesting one. In fact, the least interesting thing about tonight’s show is the lackluster host. Timbaland is a very talented musician and his work has scored countless nights out at the club (where I obviously dabbled in a little white man’s overbite). Unfortunately, I think he might lean more towards the Johnny Damon guest host as opposed to Jesse Ventura. Hopefully I’ll be proven wrong (prove me wrong, kids…prove me wrong!) but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’ll be relegated to backstage skits and minimal talking.

No, tonight’s RAW is interesting because we might get a better idea what the hell is going on in the WWE. Sheamus and Cena for the WWE Title is a hell of a main event to just give away on a pedestrian Monday Night. If anything, I was under the impression that Sheamus’s title reign was constructed as a fail-safe for the WWE to ensure they had a big match for their head-to-head with TNAwful. Instead, we’re getting to see it tonight.

One of three things will happen tonight; Sheamus retains, Cena wins, or we get controversy. Yes, I know that sounds blissfully obvious, but it’s true. The WWE reminded us before TLC that Cena was guaranteed a rematch, so we could all rest easy as we watched the spinning gold belt fall into the pale Irish hands of our ginger champ. With Cena clinging to his rematch like a “Money in the Bank” suitcase (minus the Halliburton), the WWE could pull the trigger on ending Sheamus’s title reign whenever the tides turned against them.

Until tonight, Cena and Sheamus have been relatively separated, which is a smart idea. Exposing Sheamus is a major risk for the WWE, especially when he’s holding the “richest prize in the game”. Also, there’s the risk of overdoing Cena and Sheamus, which would negate the whole idea of doing a fresh face at the top to begin with.

If the WWE has no faith whatsoever in Sheamus then Cena will beat him tonight. My guess is that Sheamus will leave the show with the title thanks to some sort of DQ or count-out, because the only thing worse than having a young guy out of nowhere win the title is for him to lose it just as quickly.

On the other hand, since we do have a major PPV coming down the pike, why not hold the belt up in some sort of controversy and allow the winner of the Royal Rumble to become the new WWE Champion. See, that certainly adds a unique wrinkle to the match. Since we know we’re getting Taker/Batista/Rey as Smackdown’s main event, why not throw caution to the wind and play this one like the old Flair Rumble win from way back when? Think of the intrigue going into that match. If they are in fact going that route and Jericho winds up winning the title to pay off these weeks of him lobbying to stay on RAW, then I will doff my cap to Creative…though I think my cap will be staying firmly on my head based on some of the genius moves they’ve pulled out in the past few weeks (coughLittlePeople’sCourtcocugh).

“Everyone has a price.”

We open with Chris Jericho outside the arena trying to get people to sign his petition. He’s armed with a clipboard and a megaphone, and this is instantly the greatest opener to RAW ever. If he takes this to Congress, I will mark out like it’s nobody’s business.

Speaking of nobody’s business, Nickelback and their terrible music has no business being near Monday Night RAW. Seriously, I want this song already gone.

We are live from Connecticut, complete with pyro, ballyhoo, and…for some reason…a graphic wishing us a Happy New Year. Little early on that, folks. Tonight we get Sheamus and Cena plus Mr. McMahon addressing the Bret Hart rumors.

The show is opening with the Cham…uh…the Challenger (John Cena, not the exploding spaceship). Cole lets us know that we’re looking at the packed arena, because if we think that people paid for something that we’re watching for free, we’ll feel better about ourselves.

Cena goes under the ring and pulls out a table, and the table gets a pop. Seriously folks, get out more. It’s a piece of furniture. It’s not like it was an ottoman. Cena sets up the table and climbs onto the second rope, and I think this is what English Lit majors call symbolism.

John says that he’s excited because two weeks ago Sheamus won the title by putting Cena through a table. Well, to be fair, gravity sort of played a larger role, so technically Newton should be our champion. Unfortunately, schools being what they are, people don’t really know who he is (aside from inventing the fruit and cake dessert that is most certainly not a cookie). Cena says that tonight’s title match should be another tables match, which makes me think that both men will go through the table and the title will be held up.

Sheamus is out, complete with another Happy New Year graphic. Apparently the WWE graphics department has too much time on their hands. Sheamus is actually wearing the title, but it still looks ridiculous. Fun fact: Sheamus used to be Bono’s bodyguard. See, you just learned something.

“Ahr ewe fer real Cena? Aye am tha doubaya doubaya eey champun and dat means RAW belongs tah meh.” Cena says that RAW belongs to the WWE Universe, which I think might piss off the stockholders. Sheamus says that we will not have a tables match, because Sheamus already “pucha tru a table.” The last image of RAW in “too thousand un nine” will be Sheamus standing over a broken John Cena. Well, no reason to watch folks, as Sheamus just gave away the ending.

Cena attacks Sheamus and FU’s him through the table, so I guess that fear of making Sheamus look strong is nonexistent. Cena salutes the fans, because nothing says honor quite like jumping a guy and driving him through a thick piece of wood.

Commercial.

Matt Hardy and Evan Bourne return to ECW this Tuesday for ECW Homecoming, so be sure to clear your calendars for that one.

We’re back and we relive Cena attacking Sheamus, and Lawler has now framed this as Sheamus disrespecting John Cena by turning his back on him. Yeah, that’s the same reason Brutus stabbed Caesar.

Jerry “The King of Double-Layered Shirts” Lawler and “Cowboy” Michael Cole throw us to Timbaland and the Divas in the back. Well, it looks like Timbaland’s not gone hungry. Josh Matthews interviews Timbaland, who is clearly high as a kite. Timbaland asks if we wanna see Cena and Sheamus get it on for the title. He asks again, but that might be due to the massive amount of drugs that he’s on. Timbaland then says “RAW baby…that where it is,” which I think means that we will see the match tonight. Sadly, I forgot how to speak jive.

Cody and Teddy are in the back holding a copy of “The Marine 2” DVD because people organically talk about movies while holding the boxes. Orton pops up and says that it’s time to break up Legacy (yay). He says that if three random people beat Legacy, then it’s time to throw in the towel. I think I made that exact point last week. Orton points out that none of them have titles, which means that they are all failures. Randy apparently booked Teddy/Bourne and Cody/Henry and they need to prove that they are in Legacy. Apparently if they lose, Orton will beat them…but only because he loves them.

Outside the arena, Chris is holding a “End the Jericho Embargo” sign as we get another graphic for the Hart/McMahon announcement.

Hey, I hear voices, which means it’s time for Randy Orton. But before that, we get a…

Commercial.

For those keeping score: Two Segments, Zero Matches. On the plus side, no Chris Masters.

Jericho is still outside saying that he was unfairly banished, and he has now set up a table for his petition.

Meanwhile, inside the arena, Teddy DiBiase is coming to the ring WITHOUT his brand new DVD, available now wherever subpar sequels are sold. Thankfully for us, we get a sneak preview of The Marine 2, because no one was really tuning in tonight for wrestling.

Once the video package is over, we come back to Teddy who is staring at Randy Orton, who grabbed a folding chair by the announcers. Guess it beats having to listen to him do commentary. And here comes Evan Bourne, who I’m glad didn’t job on his way down the ramp.

Teddy hammers away on Bourne, but not as hard as Cole and Lawler who are pounding The Marine 2 into our skulls. Teddy hits a clothesline and then a standing suplex. He goes for a pinfall attempt for two before going for a resthold. I can see why, those two moves probably took a lot out of him.

Evan starts up with his Token Offense before hitting an insane headscissor off the second rope for two. Bourne comes off the top rope but Teddy goes to flip him into the top turnbuckle, but because he was so out of place, launches Evan and Bourne hits the BOTTOM turnbuckle. That didn’t look good at all. Teddy hits Dream Street for the pinfall, but I’m pretty sure he just killed Evan Bourne.

Later on tonight, Cena and Sheamus is still on. Still. For reals.

Commercial.

We’re back and Randy is still sitting in that folding chair. Would it kill them to get the guy a plush seat like Cole and Lawler have?

Cody Rhodes is out next, and luckily for him, he draws Mark Henry. My guess is Cody is gonna beat Henry and then Legacy is going to demand that Orton faces Kofi Kingston tonight.

Henry gets his non-ironic face pop for some reason as Hey-Hey Henry bounces Cody around the ring for a minute. Henry goes for an ass drop but misses and gets hammered by Rhodes. Henry then shoves Cody out of the ring. Cody climbs in but gets set up on the second rope as Henry crushes him. Henry slid right out of the ring but appears to have hurt his leg.

Being the genius he is, he decides to test his injured leg by lifting Cody over his head. Of course the knee gives out and Cody hits the DDT for the pin. Well look at that, Legacy won their matches against fairly inconsequential midcarders. Randy shakes Cody’s hand and they walk back together in faux-tan brotherhood.

Meanwhile, in the back, Jillian Hall and Gail Kim argue over whether or not Jillian can go into the GM’s office. The camera pans back and we see hilarity about to ensue as DX has apparently taped Hornswoggle to a skateboard. Shawn says that he feels a little upset about the Bret Hart thing, but Hunter says that Shawn shouldn’t do it. Hunter says that instead of focusing in on Bret Hart, he should focus on tossing a midget strapped to a board.

The fucking midget gets launched and takes out Jillian Hall, which prompts Timbaland to give him a high five. Yeah, I take it back, Timbaland is looking really promising as a Guest GM. The entertainment value is through the roof! Woo!

Commercial.

Tonight, DX will take on Big show and a mystery partner who probably won’t be Jericho in a mask. Also tonight, Kofi will face The Miz in a non-title match.

Hey, it’s Kelly Kelly in a metallic red outfit. You know what, I don’t even care how bad this is gonna be, I’m just gonna be thankful that it’s Kelly and not Melina. Her opponent is Maryse, which makes this the best one-on-one combination that RAW could have given us.

Kelly goes after Maryse to start, and while as a wrestling writer I should condemn such a poorly executed match, there is something to be said about two ridiculously hot women wearing next to nothing rolling around a ring. Kelly hits a cross-body off the second rope for two before going for her headstand elbow that of course misses.

Maryse throws Kelly off the top rope before hitting her DDT, followed by her full-body straddle pin. I’m pretty sure some of the kids in the crowd just came of age during that pinfall.

Maryse then grabs the microphone and asks if Melina is watching. She then starts talking in French before saying that Melina isn’t as sexy as Maryse. Really? Because horse-face is pretty sexy. Maryse then kicks Kelly for good measure before leaving.

Mr. McMahon is in the back and he is walking right towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back with some pimping of WWE.com. Meanwhile, in the back, Jericho proclaims that conspiracies are real. Big Show pops up and says that Chris needs to let it go. Show says that long-distance relationships don’t work and that he is moving on. Get it? Because it’s like they’re a couple. It’s funny because we’re supposed to think they’re gay. Hilarious. Big Show hands Jericho a mysterious envelope, which I’m sure won’t contain a backstage pass or anything.

Here comes Mr. McMahon and the twelve year exile of Bret Hart may end next week. The fans start a “We Want Bret” chant before Vince even says anything. Vince says that people enjoy the Guest GM concept (uh…sure) before saying that people keep suggesting a special guest host for next week, Bret Hart. Not gonna lie, just hearing Vince say his name feels odd. Mr. McMahon has put together a video package of Bret Hart.

It opens with the old New Generation commercial before we get a bunch of old snapshots. We see Bret putting the sunglasses on kids as we hear Gorilla Monsoon sound bites. We then get clips of him with Mr. Perfect, Steve Austin, Ric Flair and Owen. Wow, we even get a shot of him beating Flair for the gold. We then get footage from the Screwjob interspliced with footage from the JR/Vince interview the next night. “Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart.”

Vince says that Bret didn’t leave on the best terms before saying that he didn’t screw Bret Hart, but rather Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart. Vince says that in spite of Bret’s massive ego, he has allowed Bret to come back to the WWE Hall of Fame. Vince says that at the HOF he asked Bret to shake his hand, but he wouldn’t do it. Next week’s guest host will be…dramatic pause…ah, Vince is doing the old Fonz routine where he can’t say the words. Well that’s pretty hip and with it. “Bret Hart will never be a guest host on Monday Night RAW.” Well that was odd.

Shawn Michaels is now on his way out, complete with DX skullcap because he’s just a hip skater punk. Vince has a smirk on his face as Michaels walks into the ring and I can only imagine this will contain the grace and dignity Bret deserves. Or a midget on a skateboard.

Shawn says that sometimes there are rivalries that are bigger than wrestling. They are so big that you can’t deny the people or himself. But enough about Randy Savage. Shawn says that he’s talking about The Undertaker. Ah, he swerved us. Shawn appeals to Vince’s wallet and says that Taker/Michaels 2 will draw money. Vince says that he won’t make the match and that if it will happen then Shawn has to make it happen. Shawn then says that he can understand Vince being afraid of The Undertaker, but how can he be afraid of Bret Hart? Shawn says that this is a chapter that needs closure and bring Bret Hart back to the WWE. Michaels says that if he brings Bret back, only good things are going to happen.

Vince responds by saying that he isn’t afraid of anyone and he is fearless (kinda like Kevin McAlister), so next week on RAW the New Year will start off with Bret Hart. That sound you hear is Dixie Carter blowing her brains out the back of her skull. Hey TNA, enjoy your Monday special next week where Hulk Hogan does the same shtick he just did a few years ago while we get to watch Bret Hart in a WWE ring.

Josh Matthews is in the back and he is with John Cena. Sheamus comes out of nowhere and stomps Cena while yelling at every blow, continuing his tradition of sounding like a mentally handicapped re-re.

Commercial.

Timbaland and MVP are in the back are talking about beats, because apparently he has a video game. Kofi Kingston shows up and there are a whole lot of black people in one shot. This gets broken up by The Miz, who says that MVP won’t beat Kofi for the US Title because The Miz won’t lose his title. Miz calls them all afterthoughts before telling Gail that she can’t keep up with Maryse. Apparently he knows because he fucked her. Timbaland, who is still tripping balls, says that the match scheduled for next week will happen tonight. So if Kofi beats Miz, Miz will defend the title tonight. What the hell is going on?

Cole and Lawler are dancing at the announce table, something a man with honor such as Tony Schiavone would never do. Well, something he would never do back in his WCW days. Now that he’s pretty much unemployed and covers Atlanta sports, he’d probably dance for money.

Here comes The Miz, who has become a victim of one of the oddest booked stipulations ever. Kofi is out next, and he has his pyro back. Good for him.

Miz goes after Kofi to start, and my hope is that these two will work another extended program. We know Kingston can hang with the big boys, but having him be the champion of the midcard will only add value to him. Miz climbs the top rope but eats Trouble in Paradise for the pin. Well that was crazy short.

We get a replay of Kofi hitting Trouble in Paradise which was about as long as the actual match. Miz has to defend the title, but first…

Commercial.

If “Tooth Fairy” starring The Rock doesn’t get an Oscar nomination, we riot.

We’re back and Kofi is on the top rope and hits a crossbody for two. Kofi then hits the SOS for two. Miz then goes for a backslide for two. Jesus, slow it down. Let’s actually get a full match. Eat up time so that we don’t have to see Primo Colon or Santino.

Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise but Randy Orton comes out and assaults Kingston. That damn Orton! What a swerve! That wasn’t on my programming sheet! That’s almost like a qualifying beatdown (that joke is for the longtime readers…if you don’t get it, check the archives.) Glad to see Orton didn’t forget that he was in a program with Kingston, even if it came at the expense of making Miz look like a little bitch.

Tonight, for those of you who missed every single graphic, is Cena/Sheamus.

Commercial.

Orton is in the back and Josh Matthews asks Randy why he attacked Kofi. Randy says because it’s in the script…I mean…because their issues aren’t done and they will fight next week. Ya hear that TNA? Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston next week.

Hey, it’s DX. They throw some glowsticks into a crowd of people…uh…already holding glowsticks. Guess you can never have enough of those.

Shawn does some laps around the ring and the Unified Tag Titles before handing the microphone to Hunter. The crowd starts a loud DX chant, but they also did the “What” chant so they aren’t that bright.

Hunter asks if we’re ready and the fans respond by cheering, which is the cheesiest response to an honest question I’ve ever heard (that’s right….“Mallrats”). DX start in with gay jokes about JeriShow before telling us all to get ready to suck it. Uh huh. Jericho runs down through the crowd in his dapper suit and he has a front row ticket pulled from…duh duh duuuh…the envelope. Also inside that envelope?

Commercials.

We’re back and Big Show’s partner is Chavo Guerrero. So does that make them ShAvo?

Chavo and Hunter start it off, and I would be remiss if I don’t mention that Show and Chavo are both former ECW Champions. Because that title really does exist. I swear.

Hunter pounds on Chavo as the fans chant Y2J. But he’s a BAD guy. Come on Connecticut, get with it. Hunter hits a high knee on Chavo before tagging in Shawn who hits two atomic drops of Guerrero before Big Show yanks Shawn’s hair from behind. Chavo gets two before ShAvo double-team Michaels. Big Show is in now and he steps on Shawn. If you listen, you can hear Scott Keith up in Canada yelling at Show to leave something for Bret Hart.

Chavo is back in and I can’t help but notice that there are only like 15 minutes left on this show and we haven’t seen the WWE Title match yet. Yeah, something screwy is gonna happen.

Big Show goes for a chokeslam on Hunter but he blocks it. Chavo eats a Spinebuster before Hunter hits a facebuster on Show. Big Show then pulls out a spear and tags in Chavo. Chavo climbs on Big Show’s shoulders to go for a frogsplash, but no one’s home. Shawn takes Big Show out over the top rope before the fucking midget shows up to Pedigree Chavo. Chavo blocks it and keeps what’s left of his dignity before eating a real Pedigree from Hunter for the pin.

Jericho jumps the rails and tries to attack DX but he eats a Superkick. Hunter then promises to give JeriShow a rematch next week, which is more artillery for their war with TNAwful. This is beginning to look less like the Monday Night War and more like the Monday Night One-Sided Ass Kicking (which seems way too long of a title).

We get several replays of Cena putting Sheamus through a table and then Sheamus attacking Cena. Now we see Cena and Sheamus in the back, and they are walking towards the ring and…

Commercial.

We’re back and we get a recap of what we have in store for next week: Kofi Kingston v. Randy Orton, DX versus JeriShow for the Unified Tag Titles and Bret Hart’s return to the WWE. :Lawler calls it the biggest news of the decade, but you’ll have to check back on Wednesday to see if it makes the list.

Timbaland is going to be the guest ring announcer, and he is wearing sweatpants. To paraphrase “Seinfeld”, “You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'”

Timbaland asks if we’re ready for the match of the night. Seriously, its 11:00, get on with it. By the way, the back of his head looks like a pug. Timbaland introduces Cena first, but not before taking liberal pauses undoubtedly due to those funny cigarettes.

Sheamus is out next and Cole talks about how he was named the Breakout Star of 2009 at thee Slammy Awards. You know, I don’t know how official those are. Next up they’ll crown him world’s greatest dad.

Here’s the bell and its 11:02. Something tells me this won’t be a Broadway. Cena hammers away on Sheamus and goes for the bulldog but Sheamus counters. Sheamus then beats the holy hell out of Cena and I’ve gotta wonder what the hell the WWE has in store for this. There isn’t enough time for Cena to regain the title, so we know that the DQ or screwjob is coming. Get on with it.

Cena pulls out the Five Moves of Mediocrity before going for “You Can’t See Me” and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He goes for the FU but apparently Sheamus grabbed the ref before Cena hit the move, so it ends in DQ. Of all the things for the WWE to do, pulling out a ridiculous finish like that was probably the dumbest move of all. You screwed your audience with a three minute mini-match and a Honky Tonk Man Finish.

John charges up the ramp and attacks Sheamus before throwing him back in the ring. Sheamus hits the bicycle kick and Cena is laying out cold…just like Sheamus predicted. He must be psychic. I would hope so, because so far he’s been booked like a paper champion thanks to a fluke title win combined with cowardly cheating shenanigans. Would it kill the WWE to book one heel to look like a monster? I’m beginning to think so.

“RAH BELONGS TA ME.”

This has been for your consideration.