Greetings everyone, and welcome to the return of the Monday Night Wars (well, for one night, at least)! Tonight, I briefly postpone my “10 Thoughts on ROH” to cover the TNA side of this head-to-head battle. This is particularly fun for me, since I was going to grad school in Nashville in 2002, when TNA was still affiliated with NWA running its weekly $9.95 PPV’s out of the Nashville Fairgrounds. Tickets were cheap, so it was a popular form of diversion from the books for me and my friends. We even got to go backstage after winning “loudest fans” award one week, and got to meet, among others, AJ Styles, Jerry Lynn, Low Ki, and Sean Waltman (who was surprisingly since, believe it or not). Having been there live from Ground Zero, it’s pretty cool to have seen TNA make it this far, despite its fair share of ups and downs, and I’m hoping for a good show tonight! Well, considering I’ll be spending the next three hours of my life watching it, I’m at least hoping for watchable.
Now, without further ado . . .
(Paul Marshall here, Ricardo’s computer declared the opening segment trash, so I’ll sum it up and Ricardo will return in the next segment)
We open tonight’s iMPACT with Mike Tenay and Taz. Bubba the Love Sponge is paying people off to say that WWE sucks and that TNA will stick it to Vince.
Match #1: Steel Asylum Match
We open with a non-title X Division Steel Asylum match and it was mainly an eight man clusterf*ck. TNA goes into new levels of stupidity by declaring the bout a no contest after Homicide hits everyone with a baton. The crowd calls BS on the finish and Jeff Hardy makes his TNA return to take out Homicide with a chair shot and a Twist of Fate to a massive pop from the crowd. Yes…a no contest finish to a Steel Asylum match. Go TNA.
Commercials.
Back from commercials, we get a recap of Jeff’s return. Jeff goes backstage and slaps hands with Shannon Moore.
Clips of Hogan getting a police escort to the arena . . .
Cristy Hemme is backstage with Kevin Nash, as we get some clever sexual innuendo. Nash calls this an “epic night” and says he’s looking forward to seeing an old friend. He reminds everyone that he’s smarter than everyone, and for good reason. With Hogan’s arrival to TNA, he’s going to make more money than ever, so hey, he’s happy. Final words? He’s talked to Hogan, and (a) he’s on his way, and (b) he’s not coming alone . . .
Match #2: TNA Knockouts Champion: ODB vs. Tara (c)
ODB takes the fight to Tara right away and slugs in the corner, but charge meets boot. Tara comes out of the corner with a clothesline, and they trade punches in the corner, as Tenay promises that the Knockouts will be featured PROMINENTLY tonight. Tara connects with an enziguri and bodyslam. Standing moonsault gets two. ODB charges in the corner, but Tara counters with a Tarantula. Springboard flip legdrop gets another two. ODB and Tara counter out of each other’s finishers, and ODB rolls up Tara with the tights, for the 3 and her second Knockouts champion.
Comment: Wow, a non-finish and a quick, unclean finish in the first two matches? Who’s booking this? Oh, right . . .
Post-match, Tara lays ODB out with the Widow’s Peak and puts the tarantula on her, to . . . something resembling a reaction.
We go backstage, where a limo rolls out, and RIC FLAIR COMES OUT!!! Ric slaps hands with some folks backstage and heads to, I think, AJ’s dressing room.
We come back to a video of Hemme interviewing a fan outside . . . but Foley (who is BANNED from the iMPACT Zone!) comes towards the arena. Hemme catches up with Foley, who understands they have reasons for not wanting him to be part of the show. He says he respects the significance of this event, wants to be a part of this moment, and will see everyone inside. Security doesn’t see eye-to-eye, however. Man, I bet the live crowd is LOVING all these backstage segments.
Back to live stuff, and Lashley and Krystal come out. Oh, God, Krystal has a mic (not that Lashley would be any better, but still). Krystal declares tonight to be the biggest night in TNA history. Krystal says Bobby has a personal message for Foley (which he can’t deliver himself, by some reason). Krystal plays up Bobby’s MMA involvement and runs down pro wrestling, saying it is filled with “inbred, toothless degenerates.” Well, it got the crowd to stop chanting for Lashley and start booing, if nothing else. That’s why Bobby is asking for his TNA release, and they’re going to leave, saying they have better things to do. Hey, give it to him. I’m not complaining.
We go backstage to Velvet Sky, who leads us to a storage room where the Beautiful People are sitting at a card table. Since they’re all about ratings, and card shows are all the rage today, they’re going to have their own poker show!!! Lacey, of course, “pretends” she doesn’t know what’s going on, and asks for 5 cards. They play the first hand and realize they have nothing to bet with, so they’re going to turn it into a game of STRIP POKER! (yeah, I’m sure they’re actually going to pay off this segment . . . nudity angles rank right up there with weddings and pregnancies).
Commercials . . . and another video of Hogan with his police escort. If you’re ever going to commit a crime in Orlando, tonight is as good a night as any . . .
Hall and Waltman are backstage! Holy shit, they were actually sober enough to make it! Security tries to bar them, and fisticuffs break out.
. . . another shot of Hogan’s motorcade, and THEY’RE JUST A FEW BLOCKS WAY.
Commercials . . . already?
We’re back and outside the iMPACT Zone (because God forbid we should do anything inside tonight). A second limo pulls up next to the motorcade, enters Hogan’s limo, and they make their way to the arena.
Hall and Waltman apparently subdued the security guards or came up with a clever ploy, because they are coming in through the crowd and into the iMPACT Zone, as we . . . say it with me . . . head to . . .
Commercials
We’re back, and . . . HEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE’S HOGAN!!! Complete with NwO knockoff music! Crowd is eating this up, of course, including Brooke and Brooke’s Slutty-Looking Friend.
Hogan asks the TNA Maniacs what’s up! He says we’re making history tonight, in TNA’s ring (um, Hulk, we haven’t done a damn thing inside the ring). He’s been in the back all day long (wait, didn’t he just ride up with his motorcade?). They have a lot of young guys and old faces in the back ready to gear up, and TNA is going to be the #1 company in the world! He’s spent the day in the back with the new talent, and now that he’s come out, this is the day he’s been dreaming of! He says that with TNA, and the power of the Maniacs (they’re not going to use that nickname, right? Ugh . . . ) Security tries to bar Hall and Waltman from entering the ring, but Hogan says they got something to say, so let them in.
Hey Yo! Hogan tells them he’s all about the party, but if they got something to say, say it right now! When Hall (who might eat Waltman any second now) and Waltman heard Hogan, Nash and Easy-E (Bischoff) was here, they knew it meant big cash and big parties. Hogan says it doesn’t work like that any more, but Pac says he’s wrong. It’s the same place, same people (shoot comment?), and they’re here to party! Hogan continues to promise it’s going to be different. Hogan continues to try to talk reason into them, and says it’s time for them to do the right thing for the business (HAHAHAHAHA!). Hall says things are gonna change . . . with or without Hogan, which brings out Big Sexy!
Hogan confronts Nash too, saying he gave Dixie his word that he was going to change the company for the better, and it is NOT going to be the way it was! Nash exposes Hogan, however, and says that’s not what they’d talked about on the phone. When did Hogan turn so corporate? OH, BURN! Hogan says they’re brothers for life, but need to do this for real. Tension is brewing, and, we get generic rock music, and . . . queue Bischoff!
Bischoff says this bring back memories. They’re the guys that re-invented the business, took on the 800-pound gorilla, put him in a little monkey cage, and spanked him! (er . . . ). Bischoff reminds them that it is all about communication. What Hogan is telling them is that everyone has to earn their position in the company. Everybody? Nash says. They hear him loud and clear, and will talk to him later . . . back to Hogan, who confirms that, yes, everyone has to earn their spot. Regardless of who is on a roll, the game changes now. Bischoff says things are going to change – regardless of whether you’re the janitor, the Heavyweight Champ, the camera guy, everyone’s gotta prove themselves.
. . . and the changes are going to start NOW, as Bischoff and Hogan want to see a producer and a format, and they want to see it NOW (how edgy). They get their format, and tear it up! OOoooo . . . new format goes to So Cal Val, and change begins now!
Hogan says to all the . . . Maniacs . . . that if you can’t talk, and can’t wrestle, pack your bags and head up North NOW! And . . . whatcha gonna do when TNA Becomes #1???
Camera pans to the rafters and . . . Sting is here!
Commercials . . .
We come back to another shot of Sting up on the rafters, and . . . holy shit, a match!
Match #3: Knockouts Tag Team Title – Awesome Kong & Hamada vs. Taylor Wilde & Sarita (c)
Hamada and Sarita start out with some lucha. Sarita gets the best of it, and tag to Wilde, who comes in with an armdrag off the top. We immediately ignore the action in the ring, however, to show the Machine Guns laid out backstage! Back to the ring, and tag to Kong, who dominates the faces for a while before they bring the stereo dropkicks, taking both heels to the outside. Suicide dives by the faces, and . . . come on, you know this . . .
Commercials.
We come back to the heels in control, as Hamada gets a seated dropkick and suplex on Wilde, for two. Hamada continues to slug away on Wilde, and tags in Kong, as Wilde is YOUR face-in-peril. Wilde fights back with a Codebreaker to end that short heat segment, and gets the “hot” tag to Sarita. Sloppy springboard armdrag to Hamada. Kong almost counters a sunset flip by sitting by sitting out, but Wilde breaks it up. Hamada takes care of Wilde on the outside, and we get amissle dropkick/Awesome Bomb combo on Wilde (sweet!) for NEW CHAMPIONS
Winners and new champions: Awesome Kong and Hamada (Awesome Bomb/Missle Dropkick combo.
Comments: Match of the night by far, even getting the premature “This is awesome” chant . . . but that’s not saying much.
Back to the strip poker game, as the girls suggest playing 7-card babe (get it? No males, so it’s not 7-card stud!), and . . . Val Venis makes an appearance, and wants in on the game! The girls ain’t feelin’ it, but Val challenges them by asking if they have what it takes. More innuendo ensues, and we go to commercial.
We’re back, as Foley tries to talk security into letting him in, but they ain’t having it, as they like their jobs. He says he has another plan, as they at least agree to play dumb for him. Foley leaves, and . . . the Nasty Boys arrive (oh, dear God!). Security immediately turns babyface, in my eyes, by turning them away.
Match #4: Raven & Dr. Stevie (w/Dafney) vs. Matt Morgan & Hernandez
I used to see Hernandez at XCW here in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. He was really green back then, but had some decent potential. He and Raven start. Hernandez dominates, and both men tag out. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Dr. Stevie, and that does it. Apparently, Hernandez and Morgan have a tag title shot at Genesis now.
Winners: Matt Morgan & Hernandez (Morgan pins Stevie w/Carbon Footprint)
Comment: Squash.
Hemme is backstage with The Pope, wanting to talk about his match tonight with Desmond Wolfe – booked by Hogan, apparently. OK, that could be good. Pope does some innuendo on Hemme, disses Wolfe, and is interrupted by . . . Orlando Jordan (w/ponytail)! Jordan pimps 5-Hour Energy, because we haven’t had nearly enough commercials tonight, and says he’ll be watching Pope. Um, given Jordan’s last proposed gimmick at WWE, that may not be a good thing for The Pope.
Match #5: Desmond Wolfe vs. “The Pope” DeAngelo Dinero
Lockup and some chain wrestling, as Wolfe begins to work the arm. Pope comes back with kicks and clotheslines, but Wolfe says “bitch please” and hits a hammerlock DDT and whips Pope into the post, arm-first. More arm work follows as Taz puts over Wolfe’s European style. Wolfe’s charge meets post, however, and Pope hits the handstand elbow off the top. Wolfe goes for the Tower of London, but Pope counters and gets a small package for the win.
Winner: “The Pope” DeAngelo Dinero (small package)
Comments: Fun while it lasted, but too short to mean anything. So Wolfe is going from beating up Kurt Angle to laying down for Pope in a couple minutes? Geez . . .
We go to the back as Jeff Jarrett walks – a great segue to a commercial.
We’re back to a laid out Rhyno. Borash is about to check on him, but Bubba The Love Sponge shoos him away and earns his appearance fee by doing absolutely nothing.
Back to commentary, as Taz calls this an “awesome night” – with a straight face! That segues into a video recap of Hogan’s debut, complete with script-ripping.
Another shot of Jarrett walking. Tenay says he is on his way to the iMPACT Zone, and we’ll see that after these messages!
. . . but not yet, as Tenay is in the back with AJ Styles, making his first appearance on the show, 2 hours in! AJ is so excited about tonight, and can’t see what Hogan will come up with next. We then talk about his match with Kurt Angle, and AJ is excited about having the world find out, finally, who the better man is. Bischoff walks in and interrupts, with good news and bad news. Bad news: AJ vs. Angle at Genesis isn’t going to happen. Good news? AJ vs. Angle TONIGHT will happen. Ah, giving away PPV main events on free TV – Eric, it’s good to have you back . . . AJ is pleased. I gotta say, AJ is not great on the mic, and never will be, but he has improved leaps and bounds.
Here comes Jarrett, mic in tow. Seven years ago, after 15 years of busting his butt in and out of the ring he founded TNA. “Thank you, Jeff” chants break out. Critics said they wouldn’t last 6 weeks, but he is standing in the middle of the ring, in the greatest night in company history. Jarrett says he had tried to get Hogan to TNA for years, but the timing wasn’t right . . . till now. Jarrett says the most rewarding thing he’s ever done is give young guys the chance to step into the ring and prove themselves (greater than keeping a stranglehold on the title for Lord knows how long?). He name-drops some young guys, and says that we ain’t seen nothin’ yet. With Hogan, Dixie, and Jarrett, and anything CAN and WILL happen.
Hogan appears on the Titan Tron however, and runs down Jarrett. He accuses Jarrett of running the company into the ground, and it was Dixie Carter who saved it and gave the young guys their shot. We get some RED TAPE, and the company structure has been changed! Hogan, not Jarrett, is now Dixie’s partner. Thanks to Hogan, now young guys really WILL get their shot. Jarrett has no voting power, no stroke, and needs to prove himself to Hogan, just like everyone else. I guess Jarrett’s gonna be wrestling again . . .?
Hemme in the back with Daniels. He’s not worried what the future holds, but Borash interrupts. Foley is still trying to come in! Borash tries to stop him, to no avail. Foley has a bone to pick with Hogan, and by gar, he’s gonna do it – sometime after these commercials!
We come back to Jeff Hardy painting backstage, and Shannon Moore puts over his artistic ability (yeah . . . ). Moore tells Hardy “the big man” is ready to meet with them, and they head out.
Match #6: Abyss vs. Samoa Joe (filling in for Rhyno)
I kind of like the hip-hop remix of Joe’s theme. Gives him that extra MMA badass-type aura. Joe wastes no time coming after Abyss with punches, an enziguri, and the facewash. Abyss counters the kick in the corner with a big boot of his own, however. They take it to the outside, with Abyss getting the upper hand. Joe counters a back body drop with kicks, an atomic drop, kick, and senton splash, however, for two. Joe counters a chokeslam attempt, but Abyss comes through with a clothesline. Side slam gets two for Abyss. Abyss’ charge meets boot, and Joe comes off the top with a kick, for two. Joe comes off the top, right into a chokeslam, for two. Joe goes to the outside while Abyss argues with the ref. Joe counters an Abyss charge to the outside with a chair, however, and back in with the rear naked choke. Abyss taps.
Winner: Samoa Joe (submission, rear naked choke)
Comments: Not bad, but nothing great. If you want to showcase Joe for the prime time audience, why not have him squash an X-Division guy, like he did in his TNA debut against Sonjay Dutt?
To the back, where Krystal interrupts Bischoff trying to change the format to ask if Bischoff heard Lashley ask for his release. Krystal demands a meeting with Hogan, and Bischoff tells her to take a number. But when it’s her turn, to check her attitude at the door. Krystal threatens to tell her husband, but Bischoff doesn’t give a crap. Neither do I.
Back to Bubba the Love Sponge, who is with a laid-out Beer Money. Bubba says he has a pretty good idea who is behind all this – and hopefully we will find out, after these commercials!
We’re back, and the Nasty Boys are still trying to get in. Security isn’t letting them in, as they’re not on the list, but Bubba the Love Sponge intervenes and pulls the “these guys are friends of Hogan’s card” to sneak them in. Man, even in kayfabe, Hogan’s backstage power is already making shitty things happen.
Borash is with Angle to talk about the title match. Angle puts over Styles, but reminds everyone that he was never pinned to lose his title. Angle says a lot has happened since then, but one thing hasn’t changed. AJ can’t beat him. Well, except twice on PPV. And a couple other times on free TV. But other than those 4 times or so, NEVER!
We head outside, and Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore are leaving with manila envelopes (contracts, I’m sure). Shannon is excited. Jeff is blasé. Drugs will do that. A couple of screaming teens come asking for an autograph, but Jeff gives them his painting instead, to their delight. Jeff and Shannon ride off into the sunset, and we ride off into the next commercial break.
Back with the Nasty Boys hijacking the absent Team 3-D’s dressing room. The security guy comes to apologize, and offers donuts as a peace offering. The Nasty Boys would rather trash the dressing room instead. We can all now lick our lips at how exciting that Team 3-D vs. Nasty Boys match is going to be!
And mercifully . . . here comes the main event.
Match #7: TNA World Heavyweight Championship Match – Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles (c)
We begin with some chain wrestling, as the crowd already brings the dueling chants. Dropkick by AJ, and Angle takes a powder. AJ comes out with the flip plancha over the top. Back in, the masked man comes out and attacks AJ, but Angle tosses him, as security escorts the masked man out (wow, they actually dared to tease a non-finish 2 minutes in). Back in the ring, Angle hits a powerbomb onto the turnbuckle, and we go to . . .
Commercial.
We come back, only to see Angle hit a belly-to-belly and . . . we go to commercial? After 10 seconds? WHO THE HELL HAS THE FORMAT!?!?!
OK, after one commercial, we come back to see AJ counter his way out of a headlock and get some shots on Angle. Whip to the corner, but charge meets boot. AJ then counters Angle’s charge into a fireman’s carry backbreaker. AJ goes for the Superman forearm, but Angle wraps him up into another Belly to Belly. AJ slips out of an Angle Slam attempt and hits a discus clothesline, for two. Angle catapults AJ into the turnbuckle, and that sets up the rolling Germans. Angle gets 3 of them and attempts another Angle Slam, but AJ slips out and tries a Pele, but Angle dodges and gets an ankle lock! AJ counters into a roll-up for two. Angle misses a charge, and Pele gets two for AJ. AJ sets up for the Clash, but Angle backdrops out. Another AJ charge misses, and this time, the Angle Slam hits . . . but only gets two. The “this is awesome†chant comes out, of course. AJ tries to flip AJ onto the outside, but AJ lands on the apron and comes back with the Superman forearm. Styles up top, but Angle follows with the pop-up
Superplex, for two. Now Angle goes up top. Frog Splash misses, and AJ follows up with a Styles Clash, for two. AJ sets Angle up top, but Angle fights out of the Superplex, and the Frog Splash hits, but only for a two-count (man, not a lot of guys can make the Frog Splash look graceful). Another Angle Slam attempt, but Styles counters into a swinging DDT for two, as a “who needs Bret?†chant. I’m not even going to tackle that one. Angle counters out of a roll-up into an ankle lock. Styles gets out, but gets nailed with another German, for two. AJ back into the offensive, as the Asai DDT for AJ gets two. AJ goes up top, but Angle cuts him off. Both men are up, and Angle hits something not altogether unlikely an Angle Slam off the top. Amazingly, Styles kicks out! Angle goes back to the ankle lock, but Styles flips out of it (OK, either everyone should do that,
or Angle should always grapevine the leg) and hits an enziguri. Another Styles Clash, but AJ kicks out AGAIN. Another Styles Clash attempt, but Angle counters into an ankle lock, this time with the heel hook, and . . . here comes Ric Flair, as Angle releases the hold for no real reason. Angle’s charge meets post, and AJ hits back suplex and springboard splash, but Angle kicks out, right into a . . .
Commercial
We’re back, and Angle has AJ in a triangle choke. AJ reverses, but Angle reverses into an ankle lock. AJ kicks Angle off again and rolls through into a Styles Clash. AJ heads out and his the springboard 450. That actually does it!
Winner, and still TNA World Heavyweight Champion: AJ Styles (springboard 450 Splash)
Comments: Not their best match, but I’m not so sure it’s possible for these two to have a bad match together, so it was still damn good. Kudos to Angle for putting over AJ clean once again. Now, I just hope they didn’t blow Angle’s title shot to give the contender spot to one of Hogan’s buddies.
Angle and Styles embrace in the ring, and that brings out Hogan. He calls them the two greatest wrestlers in the business today. “They†have nothing but respect for Angle, and AJ has just raised the TNA bar to another level. He tells the fans they’ve made history tonight, and that this is the beginning of the greatest rise . . . someone comes to tell him Foley is in the arena, and Hogan heads to the back.
Foley walks into the strip poker game (where no one looks like they’ve gotten any more naked than they were before). Val stands up to Foley, and then directs him to Hogan’s dressing room. Hogan walks in and confronts Bischoff, who tells him he’s not no power left, and no choice but to fight for his job, just like everyone else. Foley, however, vowed to never work for Bischoff again, and as he’s about to nail him . . . Nash, Hall, and Waltman come in and jump him. Hogan walks in too late, surveys the scene, and looks perturbed.
End show.
Final Thoughts: Wow, you would’ve thought that such a collection of seasoned wrestling minds would have a better grasp on how to book and pace a show. No such luck. Instead of just focusing on a few important things, they threw so much stuff out there that nothing stuck, and in the end, the show was quite difficult to follow. And that doesn’t even get me into poorly booked matches like the first two. No, it wasn’t all bad (the Knockouts tag title match was pretty spirited, and AJ/Angle is always entertaining, and Velvet Sky is hot), but if the goal of tonight was to spark enough curiosity to get enough casual fans to make a change . . . I seriously doubt that the mission was accomplished.
TNA’s first shot at the Monday Night Wars was not a good one.
