I’m back.Â It’s been a couple months since my last original review on the Pulse, but you can expect a few this month.Â The Hulk Hogan review is nearly done and it’s epic in size and scope.Â I just have to make sure all the facts check out to the best of my ability before I finish the final few matches, but it should be up within a week or two.Â The History of the World Heavyweight Championship is finished and sent to the editor, and should be up within days.Â There will be a Royal Rumble week later this month, with guest reviewers Austin Caliber and Captain Hindsight joining me to pick apart six classic Rumble shows.Â The week will finish with the 2008 Royal Rumble, a brand new review here to the Pulse.Â TLC 2009 will also be reviewed sometime this month, and coming next month will be a special Jeff Hardy week featuring reviews of three Jeff Hardy DVDs, two by me and one by Captain Hindsight.
I’m also returning to the Wrestling Press in January and my podcast will be given another kick at the can.Â Happy days are here again, so let’s get to the Survivor Series.
November 22, 2009 from Washington D.C. George Washington himself was opposed to the idea of naming the city that.Â He preferred Washington Marvel, being a fan of the Fantastic Four and Iron Man himself.
Yep, just when you thought my jokes couldn’t get lamer…
Later, James Polk was nominated for President unexpectedly and they changed the name of the city to Washington Dark Horse.
Yeah, I’m so fired.
Match #1: Traditional Survivor Series Match
The Miz, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Sheamus, & Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Finlay, Evan Bourne, & Shelton Benjamin
Interesting teams.Â It’s as if the gimmick for this match was a bunch of wrestlers who haven’t lived up to their potential for one reason or another, with the one exception being the Miz.Â McIntyre’s style just hasn’t lent itself to American wrestling and, quite frankly, he’s not over.Â Oh, and he’s shit on the stick as well.Â Sheamus wasn’t over until he was named the #1 contender, and he’s done NOTHING since winning the WWE title at TLC.Â Heâ€™s been just a total non-factor and lower mid-card World Champion.Â Ziggler isn’t used nearly as much as he should be, and Bourne is in the same boat, being a total jobber to the stars.Â Finlay is considered past his prime and thus isn’t given a serious push despite the fact that at fifty he wrestles with more speed and intensity then the average 20-30 something TNA ‘star’.Â Shelton Benjamin still gets heat in the locker-room because at one point he played video games instead of watching the matches in the ring.Â To any smarks that cry foul at that, I say boo hoo.Â It’s not difficult to figure out that maybe you should be doing everything in your power to endear yourself to the top stars and act like you give a flying fuck about getting better.Â Matt Hardy is also in the same boat, as despite guys like JBL verbally blowing him on commentary he has shown not one lick of improvement over the last decade.Â Jack Swagger’s push was aborted either because he has no heart or because pictures of him surfaced on the internet smoking a cigarette with Maryse and it sets a bad example.Â Of course there are videos of Randy Orton bumming smokes from fans, but he’s held to a different standard.Â The bar for Randy Orton’s behavior is set so low that his pubic hairs get tangled on it when he tries to limbo under it.Â And finally, John Morrison is somewhat over but there’s something missing about him.Â After discussing this with some fans, I think we came to the conclusion that his matches feel robotic and soulless.Â That about sums it up.
And since this is The Way Too Long Review, I might as well keep the rant going and bitch about how once again we have inter-promotional matches.Â It makes you wonder what was supposed to be so special about Bragging Rights.Â I guess the idea was it was Raw vs. Smackdown.Â So what?Â Now it’s Raw & Smackdown vs. Raw & Smackdown, oh and ECW is somewhere in the mix too.Â Meanwhile, on Raw they had Chris Jericho lose a “Loser Leaves Raw” match two weeks in a row.Â Maybe they meant “Loser Leaves That Night’s Raw” but there was only room for three words on the bumper’s graphics and “Loser Leaves That” didn’t feel like it would keep people tuned in.Â No clue.
For what it’s worth, the marks still buy it.Â I’m in a bowling league that’s filled waist-deep with complete and total “It’s still real to me!” marks and they all completely swallow the brand extension despite the fact that not a week goes by where one of the main three shows features wrestlers completely exclusive to that brand.Â And if you think this level of blind stupidity is exclusive to wresting, think again.Â All week I had to explain to people that the incredibly stupid, horribly acted yet inexplicitly popular Paranormal Activity was not, in fact, real.Â I wish I was joking.Â And then most of them would look at me as if I was part of some conspiracy to keep the truth covered up and go back to wearing their tinfoil hats and planning how they’re going to survive the world ending in 2012.Â Which is SO not happening.Â Then again, if Sarah Palin gets elected, I’ll rethink whether the Mayans were on to something.
To the match, and maybe I was wrong about Morrison being somewhat over because his pop here was mighty indeed.Â Swagger and Bourne start.Â Evan avoids a bunch of stuff and gets a rollup for two.Â Small package is blocked into a suplex by Swagger.Â Tag to Ziggler who kicks Bourne in the chest.Â Snapmare and a sitting blockbuster get two for him.Â Bourne tries to kick away but gets caught in nutty half-nelson throw, doing the full flip and landing on his face for two.Â I was sure that move got banned along with the release 360 German but I guess not.Â Ziggler drops a bunch of elbows for two.Â Tag back to Swagger who clubs away and wrings Bourne’s arm up.Â Tag to Ziggler, then Swagger goes to do a backdrop but Bourne simply knee drops the standing Jack Swagger in the face from it.Â Well that spot was fucking sweet.Â I bet it hurt Jacky like hell.Â Ziggler cuts off Evan from getting any follow-up and slaps on a half crab.Â Springboard-rana by Bourne for two, and then a kick to the face.Â Tag to Matt Hardy and they both drop elbows off the second rope.Â Side Effect to Ziggler and a tag to Bourne.Â He hits the Shooting Star Press and Ziggler is out.Â Well that sucks.
Drew McIntyre comes in and hits his double-arm DDT to eliminate Bourne.Â The two guys I like the most in this match and they’re both gone right off the bat.Â I swear the WWE hates me.
Finlay comes in with a spear on McIntyre and some mounted punches.Â He takes Drew to the corner with some punches, the hoists him up for a rolling fireman’s carry.Â He goes for another but Drew wiggles out and tags Sheamus.Â Fans are hot for this pairing, so naturally faster then I can type this Sheamus lands a bicycle kick right to Finlay’s face for the three.Â Well fuck me sideways and call me Frieda.Â The WWE has a bad habit of that in multi-man matches.Â They did it in 2008 with Shelton Benjamin at the Royal Rumble.Â The fans went nuts for EVERYTHING he did (mostly because nothing was happening when he entered) and then he was dumped about fifteen seconds later.Â It’s the WWE’s polite way of saying “Thanks for the money, suckers!”
Matt Hardy comes in and slugs it out.Â He gets reversed on a whip, but holds onto the ropes and fires off more punches.Â Matt really wants to get a Side Effect on Sheamus, but that doesn’t take and Sheamus hits a powerslam for one.Â If you want to know why Matt doesn’t get a push, it’s because nobody looks good against him.Â Here he is matched up against a guy who is not only considered the next big thing, but is reputed to be Triple H’s mostest favoritest newcomer and Hardy doesn’t sell for Sheamusâ€™s power stuff.Â That’s a good way to get jobbed out.Â And just in case we missed it, we get a replay of Finlay’s elimination from thirty seconds ago while the live action is seen in Squint-O-Vision.Â You know, I was hoping to hold off this announcement until the 2010 Royal Rumble, but it can’t wait.Â Because the WWE won’t cut the replays out, I’ve decided to man-up and issue a challenge.
Ladies and gentleman, introducing…
THE END REPLAYS OR CHARLIE STEALS FROM DYING CHILDREN CHALLENGE!
Here’s how it will work.Â I have put $1,000 in a bank account.Â At the end of 2010 (well more accurately, January of 2011 after the last pay-per-view of the year hits DVD), I will donate that money to the WWE’s favorite charity, the Make a Wish Foundation.Â The money is practically as good as in their hands.
Here’s the catch.Â Every time the WWE shows a replay that cuts off the live action on a pay-per-view, I will remove $50 from that account and spend it on video games for myself.Â I’m not joking.Â Not only that, but when the year is over, I’m going to mail whatever money is left over (I’m guessing a check for $0.00) and all the receipts to Make a Wish, plus a list of the reasons why they lost the money.Â Why?Â Because I’m a petty little man without any life who refuses to let this issue go.Â But at least I’m honest about it.
Now I know $1,000 is small potatoes to them and they likely get big donations all the time, but hey, $1,000 is a lot to me.Â I’ve certainly never donated that a sum that large to any mainstream, national level charity.Â To be clear, I fully expect the account to be empty by Summerslam and for my game collection to be slightly larger, but the truth is I want to lose the bet.Â Losing would show the WWE has the ability to recognize they have a problem and strive to be better and correct it.Â They already did it once, with WWE 24/7 dropping the blood censorship issue that pissed so many people off.Â The problem with the instant replays is there is no outrage.Â When the first instance of censorship hit 24/7, every internet writer and every message board loudly screamed in anger.Â Well instant replays might as well be censorship that’s happening live, because they cause you to miss out on the action just so you can see something that you ALREADY FUCKING SAW THIRTY SECONDS AGO!
I know for a fact at least some people employed by WWE read my stuff.Â I don’t expect them to change their policy over a silly $1,000 to charity dare, but who knows.Â At least I’m willing to put my money up for something I believe in.Â The challenge starts with the 2010 Royal Rumble and will run during every WWE Pay-Per-View this year.Â Every time the WWE has an infraction, I’ll keep a running tally of how much money is left in the account and what games I spent in on instead of giving the dough to a dying child.Â I’ll be kind and limit the actual Rumble match to two infractions, since otherwise I’m guessing the $1,000 would be gone in a single match.Â Oh, and I’ll only penalize them if a move is performed while the replay is showing.
So there you have it: Either I’m the biggest asshole on the planet or the WWE’s production crew are.Â Either way, someone is taking money out of the hands of cancer kids.
Back to the match, and while we’re in Squint-O-Vision, Sheamus drops an elbow, then fires off a snapmare and drops a few more elbows.Â I’ll say this for him, he has a very convincing elbow drop.Â Tag to the Miz who kicks and elbows Matt into the corner, then draws the referee’s attention and lets the heels mildly beat on him.Â Scoopslam and a leg drop for two.Â Miz goes to a rear-chinlock, which Matt sells by looking like he’s trying to shit out a stubborn turd.Â Miz cuts off his comeback by hitting his neckbreaker-across-the-knee into a diving neckbreaker combo for two.Â Now a front-chancery by Miz.Â Matt stands up and hits a Russian leg-sweep for two.Â Miz tags Swagger, who drops a few elbows, then drives Matt to the corner.Â Both guys seem gassed.Â Jack charges into a boot.Â He charges again, catches the boot this time, and tosses Matt into the corner.Â Matt gets an elbow, but Swagger shrugs it off and pushes Matt off the ropes and onto the canvas, and then hooks in a headlock.Â Well that was the worst sequence I’ve seen in a while.Â Both guys totally drew a blank there.Â Matt shoots him off and grabs a headlock, then turns it into a neckbreaker.Â Matt can’t even bother to sell the hot tag and casually stands up to tag Morrison.Â He throws some shitty punches at Swagger and a dropkick, then a running kick to the face for two.Â Shoot to the corner is reversed by Swagger and Morrison crashes off the turnbuckle.Â Swagger goes for the pump splash but Morrison rolls out of the way, then clothesline Miz off the apron.Â Springboard kick by Swagger causes things to break down, and somewhere in there the referee gets wiped out.Â A replay later in the match will show that Sheamus accidentally kneed him in the back of the head and legitimately knocked him out cold.Â Damn.Â This ruined what little flow this fall had going for it and nobody has any clue what to do from here as there’s no referee.Â Morrison’s bell is rung and Swagger loads up the Gutbomb, but John flips around and out of it and hits the running kick to the face again.Â Starship Pain hits and Swagger is gone.Â The finish was improvised due to the missing referee and it exposed how bad the current generation is at coming up with stuff when the plan falls apart.
Miz comes in with various kicks.Â He shoots Morrison to the corner and hits his big diving clothesline in the corner.Â Morrison sold it well.Â Miz then drops a sledge off the top for two.Â Now rear-chinlock by Miz to Morrison, with he stands up quickly on.Â Blind tag to Shelton and he rolls up Miz for two.Â Back suplex and a delayed springboard crossbody to Miz.Â Blinger splash and a northern lights suplex to Miz for two.Â The original referee has been replaced.Â Miz takes control briefly with some random brawling stuff, but Shelton fights McIntyre off and hits a German suplex for two.Â Shelton flips out of something Miz was aiming for, but Sheamus hits a shoulder to his gut and Miz fires off the SCF for the pin to eliminate Shelton.
Matt comes in with some punches, so Miz tags McIntyre.Â Sheamus tries for something but Matt hangs him up.Â McIntyre brawls him in the corner and hits a short-arm clothesline for two.Â Matt with a drop toe-hold to Drew in the corner, and then a neckbreaker.Â He climbs and hits his leg drop off the second rope for two.Â Another neckbreaker by Matt because he has absolutely nothing else to offer.Â Sheamus distracts him for a bit, causing him to miss his diving moonsault.Â McIntyre loads up the double-arm DDT and hits it to knock him out, leaving Morrison to go three-on-one.
Morrison comes in and slugs it out with McIntyre in the corner.Â The referee breaks him off which opens up Drew to get in a few free shots and a stomp.Â Tag to Sheamus who hits a punch to the gut, a stomp, and some mounted punches.Â Fans are just booing the shit out of the heels, so at least they have heat now.Â Tag to Miz who kicks Morrison in the gut, then jaws with him.Â He jaws too much and gives Morrison the opening to trade punches.Â Miz bounces off the ropes and runs into a dropkick.Â Sheamus tags in and hits a Polish hammer on Morrison.Â He charges at John but hits a boot.Â Morrison fights everyone off the ropes and knocks everyone else off the ropes.Â He tries to springboard off the ropes but Sheamus botches a boot and legitimately kicks Morrison in the balls.Â Ouch.Â Crucifix Powerbomb finishes for Sheamus and makes him a survivor, along with McIntyre and Miz.Â Together, they’re M&M-s.Â They melt in Vince McMahon’s mouth, but not in his hands.
**1/4 Kudos to the WWE for recognizing they need hot heels more then they need plucky babyfaces at this point, but the match still was mediocre.Â The structure was designed to make Sheamus a star to prepare him for winning the WWE Championship, and to a degree they succeeded.Â I guess.Â In these kinds of matches the heels usually only look as good as the babyfaces do, and here the heroes all looked like chumps.Â It was like the first game in the movie The Mighty Ducks, where the sad ass District Five took on the undefeated Hawks and got their asses handed to them.Â Perhaps over the next year, through a series of uplifting speeches, training montages, and personal discovery they’ll get the tools they need to actually hand those cocky sons of a bitches a loss.Â And with a little luck, maybe at some point they’ll learn to wrestle too.Â Either way, the babyfaces looked like the JOB Squad here and thus nobody really got elevated.Â Quite the opposite, as the babyfaces kind of all look like pussies now.
-Meanwhile, Christian realizes there’s something different about him from the rest of his team, which consists of Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, MVP, and Mark Henry.Â Of course he means that he’s the only person from ECW.Â They were like “that’s what you meant?”Â Christian is like “What did you think I was going to say?Â That I’m the only one who doesn’t eat at KFC, chase blond white girls around, smoke menthol cigarettes and scream at movie theater screens?”Â Sadly he didn’t really say that, which would have scored him huge points in a Kurt Angle “you’ll all cheer for me no matter how many lines I cross” type of way.Â Instead, he says he’s the only Canadian on the team.Â Yes but Mark Henry is at least as dumb as a Canadian and thus should qualify as one.Â Christian tells R-Truth that he’s actually good at raping, and finally cracks the race joke.Â They all act aghast at it, then its good times around.Â Not really.
Batista vs. Rey Mysterio
I loves me some big man vs. little man matches, and thus I’ve actually been looking forward to this one.Â And thankfully I couldn’t tell what happened during this match when it aired because I got my live results from Inside Pulse and it might as well have just contained the words “Batista Sucks” copied and pasted over and over again.Â I’m guessing whoever did our Survivor Series live coverage figured nobody would actually click an article titled “Survivor Series Live Coverage” expecting actual live coverage and instead would just be looking for confirmation of whether or not Batista was still actively sucking during the match.
We’re in Washington DC so the fans pop for the heelish Batista and actively demand that he goes all Chris Benoit on Rey Rey.Â Michael Cole explains that we should have seen that coming because it’s his hometown.Â Of course, the fans at Bragging Rights also demanded that Batista reduce Mysterio to a puddle of blood and goo, and I’m guessing Pittsburgh has no loyalty to Washingtonians DCians or whatever the hell they call themselves.Â No, the truth is fans are sick of Mysterio’s goody two-shoes act.Â There’s nothing particularly likable about the character anymore.Â He had the plucky underdog moment in Mighty Ducks by winning the Royal Rumble and then did his D2 encore by winning gold at Wrestlemania.Â Now it’s time for D3 and all that’s left is another lame underdog game against an older fellow who’s on the varsity team while the former winner of gold is inexplicitly back down the totem pole and can you guess which movies I was watching this last week?
Anyway, the WWE needs to come to grips with the fact that Mysterio has entered that John Cena territory where he’s so good and true that it’s obnoxious.Â He does all this pure and noble stuff to the point where his own feces likely comes out of his ass wearing a cape and a mask and uses the toilet as a secret passage into a poo car that it uses to go fight crime in the streets of San Diego.Â He needs a mean streak about him.Â Something to get the fans saying “Damn, when did Rey grow a set of balls to replace the ones he lost to steroid abuse?”Â I would say some of the hate is backlash from his recent Wellness suspension, but that seems unlikely.Â Over the last couple years the fans turned against him off and on, but the WWE didn’t have to spend too much time ignoring it on commentary because most of that period he spent at home with an injury.Â Anyway, he needs to get a bit meaner to stay a babyface or just go into full whinny mode and turn heel.
Besides, he’s a Mexican, and as anyone who watches Fox News will tell you, Mexicans are bad.Â Mysterio is likely taking a job away from a tax paying (re: white) American.Â I’m sure somewhere out there is a bitter Billy Kidman fan who’s whining about how his favorite wrestler lost his job to a goddamn immigrant.Â Hell, I bet that fan’s name is Billy Kidman.
To the match.Â Mysterio tries to knot up Batista’s leg, but gets hoisted up for a powerslam.Â Crappy drop toe-hold by Mysterio to set up the 619, and a weird cut makes me feel like some kind of botch might have been clipped out.Â I better check the Inside Pulse Live Coverage for this show to see if… oh wait, never mind.Â Either way, the fans shower the ring with hate as Batista bails out of the ring.Â Mysterio slides out but gets caught and slammed into the apron.Â To the ring, where Mysterio hangs up Batista but misses a crossbody or something and gets clotheslined down.Â Batista jaws with him and loads up for the Powerbomb, but Mysterio wiggles out of it and goes for a sunset flip.Â Batista stops that and hoists him up again, and again Mysterio wiggles out and hits a dropkick for two.Â Mysterio dropkicks Batista into the rope to set up for the 619, but Batista catches him and sets up for the Powerbomb.Â Mysterio punches out of it and hits a rana to send Batista out of the ring.Â He dropkicks Batista through the ropes, and then hits a seated senton off the apron and onto the floor.Â Well apparently he did hit it, as Mysterio gets thrown into the guardrail or something off of it.Â Or maybe not.Â Either way, Batista grabs Rey by the face and seems to have control of the match.Â Meanwhile, the announcers talk about how Batista is one of the privileged few to actually have seen Mysterio unmasked.Â Unless you count all the people who watched WCW from 1999 to 2001.Â I guess that means Batista is one of about twenty or so people.
Rey hits a kneelift as Batista climbs in the ring and hits the 619 to Batistaâ€™s back, then to his stomach, then to his face.Â Interesting sequence.Â Seated senton by Rey and he climbs.Â He does Eddie’s pose, then goes for a frog splash, but Batista gets his knees up.Â Huge spear by Batista, and if they want to maintain any sense of credibility that should be it for Rey’s offense.Â Batista scrapes up Rey and hits a spinebuster, then picks him up and fires off the loaded Powerbomb.Â He’s not satisfied, and you can tell he means it because he takes his elbow pads off.Â Another Powerbomb and he’s still not happy.Â So this time he picks him up and fires off a standard Powerbomb, causing the referee to stop the match.Â If only the WWE had used logical timing and not done this match in the heel’s home town.Â Or perhaps if they had used a babyface who had an ounce of sympathy left.Â After the match, Batista grabs a chair, then sits down and stares down the legally dead Rey.Â The fans chant Batista’s name, so he tosses the chair down, hoists Mysterio up, and powerslams him on the chair.
** As a match, it was a letdown.Â I guess I shouldn’t have asked for something epic, so it’s my fault for setting my expectations too high.Â But as a heel turn, despite all the logistical problems, it was about as well done as one has been in the last ten years for the WWE.Â Heel gets illogically angry at friend, beats him up, gets a match with him, beats him up some more and wins, and then beats him up a little more.Â Simple and effective.
-Meanwhile, Randy Orton has a chat with his decidedly Anglo-Saxon team.Â They’re going to go beat up the darkies and have a big grin on their face when doing it.Â White power!Â Actually, Randy Orton isn’t much for motivational speeches and bitches at William Regal for not being the ECW Champion, at CM Punk for not being the World Champion, and at Legacy for… well being shitty or something.Â Not sure what his complaint was against them, but it was said in an unenthusiastic, monotone voice so I guess he was angry.Â I don’t know, maybe they forgot to pick up his dry cleaning or something.Â CM Punk doesn’t want to get lip from him and says that he wasn’t expecting to be on a team with someone who was made to look like, pssh, Kofi Kingston’s bitch.Â The rest of the team gets pissy as if to say “How dare you?” when in fact I’m pretty sure they all had job duty against Kingston at some point over the previous year.Â I have to say, the facial hair doesn’t work on CM Punk.
Match #3: Traditional Survivor Series Match
CM Punk, William Regal, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, & Randy Orton vs. MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Christian, & Kofi Kingston
Michael Cole proves to be even worse at coming up with jokes then I am, calling CM Punk the “Elliot Ness of Smackdown.”Â Everyone else is like “Whaa?”Â “You know… um… prohibition.”Â The production crew could have totally won me back by inserting the sound of crickets there, but producers are notoriously devoid of a sense of humor.Â I can’t totally blame them, as even Jerry Lawler is at a loss to come up with something to insult Cole with.Â Meanwhile, the match is clearly built around the Randy Orton/Kofi Kingston feud, and yet R-Truth comes out last for his team, to his usual complete lack of heat.Â By gawd, the WWE is determined to get the crowd as dead as possible tonight.Â But Ron Killings is nothing if not a professional, so he makes the save by saying the city’s name and getting a huge pop for it.Â For a bit of entertainment, try picturing Adolf Hitler coming to the ring and saying “I’m going to skin every Jew alive, take over your country, and book Vladimir Kozlov to win the WWE Championship… and I’m going to do it right here, in Washington DC!” and getting a face pop for it.Â I tell you, hilarious mental image there.
Randy Orton starts with Mark Henry, who is called the “The chef of Hell’s Kitchen” by Matt Striker.Â Apparently my TV is broken, as I could have sworn that the chef of Hell’s Kitchen was about 200lbs lighter, much whiter, and British.Â Though if Henry really is the chef of Hell’s Kitchen it explains why they never get any food out.Â Orton tries to sling Henry around, which is silly because he’s quite fat and hard to move.Â Henry sends him to the heel corner instead, splashes him, and headbutts him down.Â He then punches everyone else off the apron and slaps on a bearhug to Orton.Â Legacy comes in to make the save, freeing Orton to hit the RKO and take Henry out of the match.Â By gawd, that’s about the most effective Henry has ever been in a match.
The heels then have a huddle on the outside.Â No doubt Punk is asking Orton exactly what he was on when he trashed that Holiday Inn so that he could bring it up in his next straight edge promo.Â They return to the ring so that Orton and MVP can square off.Â They end up in the heel corner, where Rhodes makes the blind tag and kicks away.Â Tag by DiBiase to kick away.Â Tag to Regal to brawl away.Â Tag to Punk who finishes off this sequence of incredible versatility by hitting a snapmare into a chinlock.Â Well I imagine MVP needs a breather after all that hard work he put in selling those punches, which was done in the traditional style of sitting there and looking bored.Â Punk tries to cut off a comeback, but he charges into an overhead throw.Â Tag to Truth, who apparently has something against being straight edge.Â He throws a few punches and a flowing armdrag.Â Punk reverses a whip to the corner but Truth flips in and out of it, and then walks right into the GTS for the three.Â This is like the opposite of the last Survivor Series match.Â The weaker guys are getting knocked out early.
Christian is in to match up with Punk, and this could actually be good.Â Punk tries to muscle Christian into the heel corner but gets rolled up for two.Â Shoot-off and Christian feather dusts a clothesline and gets two off of it.Â Ugh.Â He still wrestles like he’s afraid of breaking a nail.Â Scoopslam by Punk and a tag to DiBiase, who hits a double stomp off the second rope for two.Â Awesome move for him because it’s something you don’t see from a guy his size.Â Me likes.Â Christian charges into a powerslam for a close two.Â He goes for the Million Dollar Nightmare but Christian wiggles out and goes for the Killswitch.Â DiBiase turns that into a catapult, but he charges into a low blow and Christian springs off the ropes with a sunset flip for the random pin.Â Hopefully this is a sign that the WWE has given up on making DiBiase the next big thing, at least for now.Â Speaking of which, I actually watched the Marine 2, and without hyperbole I can say that Ted DiBiase is officially the worst actor in the history of the universe, and that the Marine 2 was the worst movie I have personally ever seen.Â I’m sure those miserable DiBiase apologists out there will fill my inbox with hatred for saying something bad about the guy they are man-crushing over, but never before has someone so devoid of talent, charisma, or personality been thrust upon wrestling the way he has.Â What happened to the IWC?Â Ten years ago a guy like DiBiase would have been torn a new asshole by every single writer out there and burned at the stake on every message board.Â He’s even more useless then Ken Kennedy was and a worse wrestler to boot.Â The standards are so low anymore.
William Regal comes in and clotheslines Christian, but then charges into a dropkick.Â Tag to Kofi, and the fans oddly don’t react so hot to him.Â He’s a house of fire and sends Regal to the corner.Â Kofi jumps up for a ten-punch, but he’s unorthodox so he stops at six.Â He then flips down and hits a weird looking uppercut thing that Regal seems to have sold to fast.Â Regardless, it gets two.Â Kingston whiffs on a crossbody and Cody Rhodes tags in.Â Rhodes stomps away at Kofi and drops a knee.Â Tag to Regal and they trade uppercuts, which looks like crap because they’re not exactly the type of punches that lend themselves to being traded.Â Blind tag by MVP while Regal hits an overhead throw on Kingston.Â MVP comes in with a bicycle kick for the pin.
Cody comes in with a crossbody, which MVP rolls through for two.Â Fans totally bought that as a fall.Â Float-over suplex for two by MVP and a tag to Christian.Â Bitch slap by Christian because he’s a sissy-man, then he loads up a tornado DDT.Â Cody throws him off of it and kicks Christian in the ribs for two.Â Now a bodyscissors by Cody.Â Christian struggles for a bit and then turns it into a cover for two.Â Clothesline by Rhodes gets two.Â Tag to Orton who hits a nice dropkick for two.Â Christian tries to fight back but gets booted in the face.Â Stomp to the chest by Orton and a tag to Rhodes for some stompery, but a knee drop misses and Christian hits the icy cold tag to MVP.Â Leaping clothesline and a facebuster by MVP, all to no reaction.Â This sets up the Ballin’ elbow, which hits.Â He sets up the Playmaker, but Orton distracts and Cody hits the Cross Rhodes for the pin to send MVP to the showers.
Kofi comes in and rolls up Cody for two.Â Tag to Christian who drops an elbow on Cody’s arm.Â Tag to Kofi who does a more stylized version of the same move.Â He flops around and drops a forearm on Cody for two.Â Tag to Christian who gets kicked and slung into the corner for some punches.Â Hard whip to the corner, but Christian hits the Killswitch out of nowhere for the pin to even it up again.
Orton comes in but gets punched around by Christian with his usual crappy stuff that would make an egg look indestructible.Â Orton gets embarrassed selling this shit and slings Christian into the turnbuckle.Â Knee drop by Orton, who then knocks Kofi off the apron.Â Orton starts to go into his psycho stalker mode and ends up getting rolled up for two.Â Punk saves and Christian gets distracted, letting Orton coil down for the RKO.Â Christian turns this into the Killswitch, but it only gets two as Punk saves.Â Christian misses a charge in the corner and eats the RKO to eliminate him.
Kofi is all that’s left.Â Orton doesn’t want a piece of him yet so he tags Punk, drawing huge heat.Â Punk and Kofi are former tag team champions together, which feels like it was a lifetime ago.Â Truthfully, I didn’t even remember it, which tells you how far along they’ve come.Â Kofi goes completely nuts on him and fires off a million forearms, give or take.Â He goes for the Tornado Kick but Punk ducks and we have a stalemate.Â Punk charges but ends up getting dropkicked.Â Kofi hits his scary STO, which he calls the SOS (Step-Over Slam?) for two.Â I’m scared to death he’s going to break his own neck doing that move one of these days.Â Kofi takes his eye off the ball to get stared down by Orton and ends up missing a splash in the corner.Â Punk fires off various strikes.Â Snapmare by Punk and a couple kicks for two, and then a bodyscissors.Â Kingston kicks out of it, and then gets his boot up on a charge.Â He charges himself but gets caught in a powerslam for two.Â Punk goes back to the bodyscissors while Orton stalks around on the outside.Â This goes on forever and nobody works the hold.Â Kofi elbows out and goes for a splash, but Punk gets a knee up.Â Punk loads up a suplex, blows the fans a kiss in an evil way, and then fires off a falcon arrow for two.Â Running kneelift by Punk in the corner, but Kingston counters the follow-up bulldog with a back suplex.Â He climbs slowly enough for Punk to get to his feet and break it up.Â They trade counters on the ropes, ending with Kofi shoving Punk off the top and hitting a crossbody for two.Â Leaping clothesline by Kofi, but he gets distracted by Orton again and gets rolled up.Â He rolls through and scores the pin on Punk, then immediately hits the Tornado Kick on Randy Orton to pin him and become the sole survivor of the match.
***1/4 I really thought this was going to score four stars early on in the match, as they had this great beat going and everyone was full of energy.Â Then the Punk/Kofi fall dragged the match way down.Â It didn’t seem to be an issue of Kofi being tired, but rather a poor structure.Â They had Randy Orton stand on the outside while Punk and Kingston basically had a sub-Raw quality singles match.Â Both guys seemed to struggle with pacing it in an exciting way, which deflated the crowd and really killed what had been a hot affair.Â The match structure really is to blame.Â By taking Orton out of the equation, it made Kofi’s two-on-one situation seem less dire.Â It also failed to really elevate Kofi, as by November everyone and their dog was scoring pinfalls on CM Punk.Â When Orton came in and immediately laid down to Kofi’s finisher, it did nothing to make Kofi look strong, but rather just came across as a fluke.Â The fans popped huge, but that doesn’t mean anything.Â They would have popped for anyone in Kofi’s position on the card scoring a pin on Randy Orton on pay-per-view.Â If the same finish happens but you change things to having Orton and Punk tagging in and out, it really would have changed the whole dynamic and would have made it look like Kofi had won decisively instead of by accident.Â I give the WWE credit for at least trying to elevate someone, but they failed as they have done for the last few years now.Â It’s clichÃ©d to say, but this really was a case of one step forward and three big steps backwards.
Match #4: World Heavyweight Championship
(c) The Undertaker vs. Chris Jericho vs. Big Show
The production fuckwits once again prove they should be sent to the gulag for summary execution (that or a stern lecture, whichever is less bloody) by getting bored waiting for Undertaker to walk out of the fog for his entrance and cut to a shot of Chris Jericho and Big Show doing NOTHING instead.Â By time it cuts back, Undertaker is already out of the fog and thus the entire point of having an elaborate entrance is in the garbage.Â Way to go you ignorant fucks.Â Mind you, it costs money to put on the Undertaker’s entrance.Â Maybe not a lot of money, but it’s not free to get the lights, fog machine, and dry ice required to create it.Â Thus the production crew is wasting actual money by being horrible.Â Come on Vince McMahon; take a look at your TV shows.Â Someone clearly deserves to lose their job here.Â You’ve fired people for way less.
Taker gets doubled in the corner by the tag champs and punched around.Â Taker runs to the other corner like a bitch, but that doesn’t work as the heels can run too.Â They catch him and punch him around some more.Â Show slings Undertaker to the corner and clotheslines him down.Â Jericho then dumps Undertaker over the top with a clothesline.Â Jericho is under six feet tall and weighs less than 250lbs and thus Taker has had enough of this selling bullshit and attacks.Â He trips Jericho up and drags him under the bottom rope, then punches him down and slams him into the rail.Â Show tries to save but he gets punched around too.Â Taker goes for a running boot on Jericho, but misses and crotches himself on the rail.Â Jericho brawls him across the timekeeper’s table.Â He holds Taker for a free punch from Show, which actually works to my surprise.Â A shot with a microphone by Jericho, and then they toss Taker into the ring and stomp away at him.Â Jericho orders Show to grind his foot across Taker’s neck.Â Jericho bails to choke away, but Taker is like “you must be at least THIS tall to hurt the Undertaker” and pushes him into the ring post.Â Can’t really say I blame Jericho for wearing lifts that one time.Â Big Show is tall enough to give Undertaker a cause for selling, and maintains control of the match.Â He slings Taker to the corner.Â Jericho asks Show to whip him into Undertaker, but again, he’s small and thus he misses.Â He then gets sick of selling for Big Show too and decides to mount his comeback.Â He punches him around and shoots him off, getting reversed in the process but ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own.Â Jericho is selling his shoulder like it’s separated, and thus Taker splashes him in the corner a few times.Â Snake eyes by Taker but Show cuts off the running boot.Â He tries to hoist Taker up to ram him into the post but Undertaker wiggles out and pushes Show into the stairs.Â Back in, Undertaker wants to pick on Shorty some more.Â He wrings Jericho’s arm for a bit, then goes for the ropewalk.Â Jericho is thrown a bone and given an offensive move all on his own, without assistance from Big Show.Â It’s just a push and Taker gets crotched in his “I don’t want to hurt my groin again” type of way, but it counts.Â Matt Striker says Jericho had the move “well scouted.”Â Considering that he’s done the move in every fucking match he’s had over the last twenty years, I would think it would be more noteworthy if someone did NOT have the move well scouted.
Anyway, so Jericho climbs the ropes and fires off some punches to load up a superplex.Â Undertaker is like “Whoa there midget, I didn’t say anything about a superplex” and shoves him off.Â Jericho climbs back up and says “pretty please Mr. Taker?”Â Undertaker is like “Well, okay… but you have to pick up my dry cleaning.Â Oh and pay for my hotel room tonight.Â And carry my bags.Â And suck my dick.Â While my wife watches.Â And video tape it.Â For the office party.”Â Jericho considers this an even trade and hits the move, then covers for two.Â He mounts some punches and celebrates his ability to trade sodomy for offense, then goes for the Lionsault.Â Taker gets his knees up, but Jericho lands on his feet and tries for the Walls of Jericho.Â Taker blocks this in a feeble way that would make Ric Flair blush and say “Damn man, you should really hang it up!”Â The man has clearly lost a lot of flexibility.Â Jericho does shock the shit out of me by actually getting the move on.Â And Undertaker shocks me even more by actually selling the move by screaming in pain.Â He better cut this crap out or people might think he’s vulnerable.Â Jericho drags him to the center of the ring, but Big Show actually wants to win the title for himself so he snatches poor Chris in a Chokeslam.Â Jericho doesn’t even roll out of the ring, but for some reason Big Show doesn’t cover him and presumably win the championship.Â Instead, he goes for a Chokeslam on Undertaker.Â Taker has met his maximum “sell no more then two moves in a row” quota and turns it into a DDT for a three-way knockout.Â Jericho, despite being small and thus frail is somehow able to recover first and covers Undertaker, the last guy to hit an offensive move, for two.Â He then remembers that Show was the last guy to get injured and covers him, but Show does a power kickout to send Jericho flying out of the ring.Â That actually drew a big pop.
Show and Taker are up to slug it out.Â Undertaker charges into a choke by Show, and then Taker goes for a choke himself.Â Jericho bails to grab a title belt and tries to hit Taker with it, but Undertaker ducks and Big Show gets knocked out.Â Jericho gets booted down for two.Â Taker kicks Show out of the ring, then loads up Jericho for the Wedgie bomb.Â Jericho grabs the title belt and knocks Taker out with it while he’s being held up seven feet in the air by his underpants.Â Jericho lands on top of Undertaker, but he’s not supposed to cover him for the pin until it’s completely obvious that it won’t be the finish of the match and thus rolls out of the way and sets his “let’s take the fun out of this near fall” stopwatch.Â He waits for it to ring, then covers.Â Shockingly, he only gets two.Â Jericho goes for a Tombstone piledriver because he’s nuts, but Taker reverses it.Â He turns around for no logical reason, and what do you know, there’s Big Show to hit him in the face with his Knockout Punch.Â It gets two because Jericho saves.Â Jericho then covers and gets two as well.Â Jericho goes for the Codebreaker but Show casually pushes him off, then even more casually hits the Knockout punch on him.Â Show means business so he pulls off his straps.Â He loads up a Chokeslam but decides he’s more likely to win the match by laughing at Taker then hitting his finisher.Â But what the hell, right?Â It’s not like Taker has a lethal, unbreakable submission hold that involves snatching a person by their exposed arm!Â Oh wait… never mind.Â Taker with the Hell’s Gate, and with Jericho out cold Show has no choice but to tap.Â And hey, look, Show bleeds from his mouth!Â Nice.
*** Despite my vindictive smart-assery, this was an acceptable match.Â It would neither highly entertain anyone nor offend anyone, and thus it hits the minimal passing grade.Â What held it down?Â The typical illogical triple threat spots and Undertaker’s unwillingness to look like he’s in danger, ever.Â And for those of you who bitch that I pick apart every little aspect of Undertaker’s matches, what do you expect?Â I’m a critic.Â It’s kind of my job to pick apart every little thing in a match.Â Sometimes I’m a bit more relaxed with doing it during the actual recap, but since this match involved two things I can’t stand (Triple Threat Logic and Underselling Undertaker) I figured I might as well go for the gusto.Â So yes, despite everything that’s wrong with triple threat matches being proudly on display here, it was still watchable.Â Barely.
-Meanwhile, M & M-S brag about surviving their match.Â Miz talks about how they’re the young guys who are revolutionizing the company, despite the fact that Sheamus is in his mid thirties and older then half the roster already.Â Sheamus bitches about being unable to find decent competition.Â Oddly enough that hasn’t changed since he won the championship.Â In fact, the **1/4 I gave their match tonight is likely the highest score any Sheamus match in the WWE would have received to this point.Â I’m not actually blaming him.Â I totally dig his stiff, monster style.Â The problem is he hasn’t had anything outside of squash matches yet.Â Oh sure, he had a table match with John Cena, but tables matches don’t exactly lend themselves to excitement or quality.Â Anyway, someone in production must be paying attention because they don’t let Drew McIntyre speak and bury himself in the process.
Match #5: Traditional Survivor Series Match
Mickie James, Melina, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, & Eve vs. Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, Layla, & Jillian
Kelly starts with Layla.Â Layla mounts some punches and covers for one.Â Dropkick to the back gets two.Â Punches to the gut by Kelly are no-sold, and Layla sends her to the corner with a spin-kick thingy for two.Â Kelly flips out of a whip to the corner, does a back flip and hits a clothesline.Â She ducks an enziguri and hits a weird step-off leg drop thingy to eliminate Layla.Â Meanwhile, the production fuckwits have decided to get cute and do EXTREME CLOSEUPS~!! every time a move is hit, making the camera quickly zoom in and out, as if they’re trying to get the best angle to show the girl’s tits.Â I’m actually embarrassed for Vince McMahon, that he let his production become this bad.Â Remember how they used to make fun of WCW for such shit?Â Now they’re worse then WCW ever was.
Michelle McCool comes in, and so does Gail Kim.Â She ducks something and hits a dropkick.Â Rollup off the ropes gets one for Kim.Â She goes for a rana but McCool turns it into a Styles Clash for the pin.
Eve comes in and rolls up McCool for one.Â Tag to Jillian who kind of does a cartwheel over Eve.Â This is considered an offensive move and she covers for two.Â Eve flips out of something and pushes Jillian to the ropes, but misses a dropkick.Â Jackknife by Jillian gets two.Â Whip to the corner by Jillian and she goes for a handspring, but that doesn’t work.Â Eve climbs while the announcers note how smart she is because she solves Rubik’s Cubes for fun.Â You know what that makes her?Â Boring!Â Sunset flip off the top by Eve gets the pin despite the fact that Jillian slipped out of the move.
Beth Phoenix comes in and hits the Implant Popper for the pin on Eve.
Kelly Kelly comes in and also gets her silicon exploded by Beth and eliminated.
Mickie James comes in and slugs it out, then hits a crucifix for the pin on Beth.Â Beth gets pissy and clotheslines her down for revenge.
Alicia Fox comes in.Â She’s so skinny she’s distinguishable from the ring ropes only when she moves.Â Alicia shocks the announcers by doing an actual wrestling move, a northern lights suplex.Â Mickie gets a front facelock out of this move to presumably set her up to hit a DDT, but Fox drives her to the corner.Â Mickie fights her off and hits a Thesz Press off the ropes for the pin.Â This match should get five stars just on the grounds that Alicia went nearly a full minute without looking awful.
McCool comes in and drops a few knees and a leg drop on Mickie for two.Â She then slaps on a sleeper, and bye gawd, they actually work the hold.Â Mickie backs her into the corner to break it, but McCool follows it up with a clothesline to the back and an uppercut for two.Â McCool winds up Mickie’s arm, but James glances a clothesline in the general direction McCool is standing in and we have a double KO; which might be cool spot if the babyfaces weren’t up two-to-one.Â Mickie goes for a hot-tag to Melina, but James knocks her off the apron.Â McCool fights Mickie down and covers for two.Â Mickie kicks McCool away and makes the hot tag to Melina.Â Spear and mounted punches, then another spear and more mounted punches.Â She goes for a headscissors but McCool counters it.Â Melina kicks her anyway and preps her for a head of steam.Â Facebuster gets two.Â McCool goes for a running boot but Melina does her Matrix thing to duck it.Â McCool has it well scouted and yanks her down by the hair.Â Titty-to-titty suplex gets two.Â McCool goes for what looks like a Gory Bomb, but Melina turns it into a sunset flip for the pin.
**1/2 I’ll likely get heat for rating this higher then the opening two matches, but the truth is I do hold women’s wrestling to a different standard, and the effort put in here was, by the lower standards set by the WWE Divas, more watchable then the opening bouts.Â I still wouldn’t recommend watching it, but if you catch it by accident you’re not going to gouge your eyes out or anything.
-Meanwhile, and moments ago, Batista gets grilled by Todd Grisham.Â But Batista doesn’t really have anything to say other then he was embarrassed for Rey Mysterio.Â That makes two of us.
Match #6: WWE Championship
(c) John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels
I normally try to avoid listening to hype, but for this match it was unavoidable.Â I got phone calls, e-mails, texts, and instant messages telling me how much I was going to love this match.Â Don’t worry, I didn’t listen to it.Â The minute this match was announced all I could think of was how slow and wanky Shawn & Trips can be when they pair up for any reason.Â Sure, they have produced magic together.Â The Wrestlemania XX triple threat will remain the greatest main event in the history of the event no matter how many children are murdered by the participants.Â And yet, somehow when I think of these two, that match gets pushed aside and all I can think of is the 2004 Royal Rumble match-up, or the 2004 Bad Blood match inside the Hell in a Cell, where both men spent over forty minutes masturbating and calling it a match.Â Thus despite all the hype, I walk into this match with my mood set at “Cautiously Optimistic.”
The match starts with Shawn hitting Sweet Chin Music on Triple H and knocking him clean out of the ring.Â Well that was awesome in about ten different ways and funnier then any backstage skit has been this last decade to boot.Â The crowd completely fucking explodes for it.Â John Cena’s hilarious mouth-breathing “Fuck yo, he means business” expression is the icing on the cake.Â We then cut to an instant replay of the moment just as Cena goes on the attack.Â I’m already mapping out which games I’m buying in 2009 with my $1,000.
All we miss in Squint-o-Vision is Shawn avoiding a clothesline and chopping away.Â Back to live action where Shawn gets shot off but Cena lowers his head into a swinging neckbreaker.Â Shawn fires off a chop, then hits a Thesz Press and mounted punches.Â Punches in the corner by Shawn and some more chopping.Â Shoot-off to the corner is reversed by Cena, leading to him hitting a facebuster and a fisherman’s suplex for two.Â Shawn gets whipped into the corner, going up and down and into another whip that leaves him lying across the opposite corner.Â John kicks him a few times, then realizing that Shawn is totally prepped for the FU.Â Shawn swings out of it and plants Cena with a DDT for two.Â Shawn clips Cena’s leg while the crowd absolutely gives John Cena holy hell just for existing.Â Shawn turns this into a figure-four.Â Cena struggles for a bit then turns it over, leading to a break.Â Yea-Boo trading leads to Cena charging at Michaels but getting side-stepped and dumped through the ropes.Â Shawn hits a crossbody over the ropes, and damn that Superkick earlier must have been the most powerful one of his career because Triple H is in a fucking coma.
Shawn gets pissy and preps the announce table for impact.Â Cena snatches him up in the FU, but Triple H finally is awake and makes the save, and then Shawn dumps Cena over the guardrail.Â HHH then hoists Shawn up after he turns around and spinebusters him through the table.Â Fans are digging this fun-loving DX fighting with each other, and suddenly I’m thinking they could make a hell of a Wrestlemania match keeping these two babyface.Â I would be fine with it as long as they’re limited to twenty minutes and thus don’t have time to spank off.Â Trips tosses Cena back in the ring, shrugs off some punches and hits a spinebuster for two.Â Hard whip to the corner by Trips and by gawd he works that move better then anyone else in the business does.Â He’s the only guy left who actually makes an effort to make it look like that move should hurt.Â He repeats the spot and covers Cena for two.Â Another whip to the corner by Trips but Cena gets a foot up.Â Shoot-off but Cena lowers his head into a possible Pedigree.Â Cena turns this into a catapult for two.Â Yea-Boo slug-out ends with Trips shooting off Cena but eating a couple shoulderblocks and the protoplex.Â Five knuckle shuffle and damn Cena has a bit of that heelish edge that Rey Mysterio so desperately needs.Â Cena loads up the FU, but Michaels saves and posts Cena.
We have the big DX stare-down and it causes a buzz.Â The fans are pretty evenly split, but seem to favor Michaels.Â Of course they are.Â He hasn’t had a run on top since his return.Â Oh sure, he had a brief run with the belt for a month in 2002, but otherwise he’s been a total non-factor.Â Hell, he’s gone longer NOW without the belt then he has during his original run in the company, back when he was a political nightmare who made life miserable for all those around them.Â Anyway, Shawn moves into the FIVE AND A HALF MOVES OF DOOM~! but Trips has it well scouted and hits his flying knee and a facebuster.Â Shawn then moves into the doom moves with the flying forearm and a nip-up.Â Of course, as previously displayed by Triple H, he has the sequence of events well scouted and thus spinebusters Shawn after the nip-up.Â KICK WHAM PEDIGREE~!! attempt is backdropped by Shawn.Â He climbs for the flying elbow, then actually slips off the ropes a bit.Â Cena comes in then and crotches him, but misses the standing leg drop off the top by Trips.Â Flying elbow by Shawn off the top, then Cena snatches Trips in the STFU.Â Fans are going fucking nuts.
Trips reaches for the ropes, but Shawn slowly climbs in and hooks Cena into the Jesus Christ on the Crossface.Â Cena struggle with it for a bit, then remembers that he’s fucking Superman and hoists Shawn up, crossface and all, for the FU.Â Shawn wiggles out only to get caught in the STFU.Â Smarks can bitch about the move all they want, but it’s fucking over.Â Shawn struggles for a bit then gets to the ropes, making the crowd happy.Â They clearly want him to win.Â Cena and Shawn struggle to their feet, with John presumably having used all his strength pulling on the hold.Â By time he gets up, he eats Sweet Chin Music.Â Trips is up and he eats a Superkick as well, falling on top of Cena for the cover.Â Shawn passes out and falls out of the ring, then the referee turns around and counts to two.Â Awesome spot that completely popped the shit out of the crowd.Â A minority of fans try to get a chant going for Cena, but the majority shouts them down with a â€œCena Sucksâ€ chant.Â Both guys struggle to their feet, then Cena fires off the FU on Trips, and leaving both out cold again.Â Shawn crawls in and both Cena and Shawn count Trips down for two.Â The pace is fucking dead, along with any hope for a five star rating, as I’m sure they’re all checking to make sure they have their notes straight on what’s certain to be a Rube Goldberg finish.
Shawn and Cena are up.Â Shawn pushes Cena and goes for the Superkick.Â Shawn gets pushed out of it and over to Triple H who loads up a piledriver.Â Cena snatches Shawn out of the reverse of it and goes for the FU.Â Trips kicks Cena in the gut and goes the Pedigree.Â Shawn hits the Superkick on Trips.Â Cena then FU’s Michaels onto Triple H and covers the Game for the pin.Â Well that was nifty in a Mouse Trap kind of way.
****3/4 You know what, that was a fun match.Â Maybe not the most technically sound.Â Maybe some of the spots (and especially the ending) were a bit too hokey, but wrestling is supposed to be fun and it doesn’t get much more fun then that.Â This was basically a series of short one-on-one matches with a few three-way spots glued on because, well, that’s kind of what was promised.Â The hype was real and this will likely be my choice for runner up for match of the year in 2009.Â And a total show-saver to boot.
You get to see what Shawn and Trips did after the match.Â They’re still in the ring and are like “Well, we certainly kicked the shit out of one another.”Â They shake hands and hug, then laugh at each other.Â I guess this was to make sure anyone who watches their WWE only through DVD releases knows that they didn’t break up.Â Whole thing lasted just over a minute.
You also get Christian doing a rap for the Bella Twins.Â He fits in a MacGyver reference in there.Â Not funny at all.
BOTTOM LINE: A total one-match show but the main event was good enough to carry the load of decent matches.Â The undercard was a letdown and the Divas were about as good as you can expect.Â I wouldn’t say this was a great show or anything, but some entertainment is bound to be had, and thus I’m giving it a mild Thumbs Up.Â I’ll see you all soon with the World Heavyweight Championship.Â And maybe TLC.Â And some Rumble stuff.Â And a magazine article.Â And a podcast.Â This is what happens when you have too much time to waste.Â Oh and a Hulk Hogan DVD that likely will never get finished.
Tags: alicia fox, batista, Beth Phoenix, big show, chris jericho, christian, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntyre, evan bourne, Eve, Finlay, Gail Kim, jack swagger, Jillian, john cena, John Morrison, Kelly Kelly, Kofi Kingston, Layla, Mark Henry, Matt Hardy, Melina, michelle mccool, Mickie James, miz, mvp, R-Truth, randy orton, rey mysterio, shawn michaels, sheamus, shelton benjamin, survivor series, ted dibiase, the undertaker, triple h, William Regal