For Your Consideration…RAW is Waterloo (or, We Want Fuji Vice)

For Your Consideration…Waterloo

Welcome to a packed edition of “For Your Consideration.” In addition to my standard Monday Night RAW recap/commentary thing (that really does need a better name), I’ve got my “quick” thoughts on TNA Genesis. Yep, I sat through the entire PPV so that I could protect you, my loyal reader. Speaking of loyal readers, you can follow me on Twitter at twitter.com/awheeler316 or friend me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/#/profile.php?ref=profile&id=100000654073648

So about two weeks ago I did the whole Monday Night War deal where I covered RAW and Impact, and the comments section kinda exploded. Trust me, I love getting the feedback (based on my shameless plugs above for Twitter and Facebook), but a few days ago I got was probably my favorite e-mail of all time (with all due respect to those great folks out there who take the time to comment or e-mail or tweet me). See, I had been getting slammed by some of the TNA faithful for being too negative about the product and that I needed to lighten up. Then, at the advice of someone on Facebook, I listened to the Jim Cornette podcasts, and was glad to see that someone who knows everything there is to know about wrestling seemed to share my opinion. So, figuring it was worth a shot in the dark, I e-mailed Mr. Cornette’s website with my Impact column. Expecting nothing, this is what I got:

Andrew,

Your recap of Impact was dead on AND had me howling. Thanks for writing me!

JC

My jaw pretty much hit the floor after seeing that. I was shocked that Jim Cornette took the time to read my column and send me an e-mail. Guess it goes to show you that there are people out there in the wrestling world who still care about the fans. Oh, and you better believe it’s an ego boost when you realize that you were able to make Jim Cornette laugh.

Alright, enough of this sappy nonsense, time for some…

Quick thoughts on TNA Genesis

Opening Package: First and foremost, it needs to be said that Dave Sahadi did a hell of a job constructing that opening video. Seriously, it was insanely good. TNA has aped the idea from the WWE to shoot all of their stars in a unique environment for stock footage (TNA used them all being soaked in rain to a very cool effect) and used it effectively here. TNA used Styles, Angle, Nash and a few others to voice over that they were born to be pro wrestlers and that they do what they do because it’s in their blood. That is how you want to portray your wrestlers. It almost felt like those old “Desire” videos the WWE used to put on. Unfortunately, it wasn’t all great. First, there’s the fact that Sting was featured in it. Sting isn’t on the card tonight and while I appreciate going with “name value” guys, you probably wanna focus on stars that are competing on the show. Also, along the same lines, why was Samoa Joe so heavily featured in the opening promo if he isn’t on the card also? I understand saving Sting’s potential return, but keeping Joe off the card in terms of advertising and then putting him in the opener as one of your top guys sends a bit of a mixed message. It would be like the WWE doing a Royal Rumble opener and featuring Edge every other shot despite him not being on the card. But on the whole, this was very positive.

Opening Hogan Promo: Well, that positive thing sure didn’t last long. As a minor nitpicky thing, TNA needs to do a better job with their pyro. See, the loud “BOOM” noise doesn’t come from the fireworks themselves but from a device called a concussion machine. That piece of equipment is what causes the massive thunder noise, yet TNA’s concussion machine always sounds really quiet. Think of the difference between fireworks you set off in your backyard and fireworks you’d see at Disney.

Then there’s Hogan’s promo itself. First, I was kinda shocked at how tame his pop was. I was expecting the roof to come off the place, but the fans just kinda applauded without losing their shit. Maybe it’s a deader crowd than normal or maybe the Hogan mystique is wearing off, but even in the WWE when fans were tired of him, they would still give him that insanely long applause break.

My gripe with him isn’t in pops but in content. Hogan comes out with Bischoff to talk about changes in TNA and this IMMEDIATELY leads to the fans chanting that they want their six-sided ring back. I mean instantaneously and spontaneously. He didn’t even allude to it and the audience launched into the chorus of “We want six sides.” One of the things that guys like Cornette, Heyman and even Vince eventually learned was that you have to listen to your audience, and this was about as clear a message as they could send. I personally never liked the six-sided ring as it felt way too gimmicky, but it was iconic of TNA. When you saw a six-sided ring, you knew which company you were watching. Hogan decided to take a heel approach to this by saying six sides could only get you so far, which is fairly illogical because that ring was one of the things that the TNA faithful SUPPORTED. Coming in and telling them that this is how it is and you need to learn to love it just won’t work. It’s like when the WWE fans chanted that they wanted blood a few months back. Vince won’t give it to them because he doesn’t want to jeopardize Linda’s Congressional run, so I doubt we’ll see the red stuff pour anytime soon. TNA has no real reason to go back to four sides other than to stick with tradition, or maybe to trick the audience into thinking they are watching WWE. In Hogan’s mind, if the two shows look alike, maybe fans will stay tuned in.

I also can’t stand when Hogan keeps referencing Vince McMahon. Newsflash Hulk, the fans aren’t invested in your product enough to care about the war. When WCW started out with Nitro, they made big splashes by grabbing Luger on night one, but they didn’t outright say that it was us versus them. Nobody cares about your war with the WWE enough to stay tuned. They’ll care when they have wrestlers to care about, and that’s it. People rallied around Vince and RAW during the Monday Night War because McMahon struck gold with Steve Austin and they ran a ton of hot storylines. TNA needs something like that to get the fans to care. We might not all be rocket scientists, but at the same time we aren’t all just going to be blindly led automatons. Stop talking about your war with Vince, Hogan, because it just seems petty. It’s not like McMahon tried to screw you over so you went to TNA. Hell, he offered you a slot to come on television, not to mention your guaranteed Legends contract. This just feels like someone breaking up with their girlfriend and using some new girl to make the old one jealous. In the end, the old girlfriend doesn’t care and the new girl gets hurt. TNA is that new girlfriend (though thankfully it doesn’t look like the boyfriend’s daughter…ew).

The one positive from the promo was that Hogan reiterated that they are a pro wrestling company and not a sports entertainment company, but let’s hope it isn’t lip service.

X-Division Title: Amazing Red v. Brian Kendrick

Well there was TNA’s first surprise, and it is a very solid signing to say the least. Brian Kendrick is the perfect candidate for the X-Division and I would be shocked if he doesn’t win the title soon in the company. The match itself was alright, as it appeared that Red and Kendrick had some issue feeling each other out. There was a mix of high flying moves and submission-esque wrestling, and if it weren’t for a few awkward spots, this could have been a really good match. In the end, Red retained with Code Red, which makes a bit of sense. Sure, I would have loved to see Kendrick take the title and maybe feud with Jeff Hardy, but at the same time you have to send a message to the locker-room that they aren’t just going to keep brining in WWE castoffs and putting them over all the time. Just most of the time.

n.W.o. Backstage Promo

Bischoff points out that Hall and X-Pac don’t have contracts and that they need to get “for real”. Apparently they only get one shot (bullshit) and need to make it count. Hall says that he needs to earn his pay and then Pac says that he wants a shot. Hall and Pac do rock-paper-scissors to see who will wrestle. X-Pac winds up winning which means we already won’t get to see the return of the Outsiders.

Sean Morley v. Daniels

Morley cuts a promo akin to his old WWE stuff, but Daniels comes out and says that rather than talk about wrestling, Sean keeps talking about his gimmick. Daniels says that this is TNA and that TNA is wrestling. So I guess he’s a gimmick killer. Daniels then puts this in a heel bent, which is odd because that is the kind of promo that would make him a babyface. Putting Daniels as a straight-up wrestler against the ex-WWE supports entertainers would make Daniels a major star, but due to a lack of heels in TNA, they wanna keep him as a “bad guy.”

The match itself was a lot of Daniels showing that he could work with a big guy and keep it convincing. Daniels locked in a series of submission moves and conveyed to the audience that he can appear more than credible against a “big” guy. Unfortunately, he lost. Daniels went for a hurricarana off the top rope that Sean blocked, and Sean then hit the Money Shot (but not before losing his balance) for the pin. So remember one match ago where I said that it made sense for TNA to put Red over Kendrick? I guess it was to make up for this. Remember, Daniels isn’t just some guy on their roster. He was the #1 Contender for the TNA Title about two months ago, and now he’s jobbing clean to Val Venis. All of the goodwill they put forth in the first match sort of goes out the window here. Even worse, Daniels is supposed to be the guy to show that wrestling is better than sports entertainment, and he goes out there and lays down for a gimmick. Don’t get me wrong, I think Sean is a decent hand, but the mixed messages being sent to the TNA audience is astounding.

Knockout Title: Tara v. ODB

Tara beats ODB two falls in a row, which means the belt has switched hands three times in a month. Tara won the first fall off a small package and then won the second fall with the Widow’s Peak. I don’t understand why they feel the need to keep hotshotting that title, so hopefully now she’ll keep the belt for a while. Jeez, I wonder who ODB pissed off.

D’Angelo Dinero Promo

I liked Burke in ECW, but his cockiness makes him a natural heel, so it’s kinda tough for the fans to really buy him as a face. Dinero keeps calling Desmond Wolfy before he tries to be a very poor man’s Rock. I’m all for personality, but he’s gotta be his own man and not try to emulate one of the best.

TNA Tag Title Match: Morgan and Hernandez v. British Invasion

Morgan and Hernandez capture the tag titles and I can’t disagree with that move. With the TNA Champion being a face and the main event being dominated by Hogan/Jarrett/Foley, giving the gold to their two young and bright big men will keep a spotlight on them without either guy having to do much. It’s similar to Jericho and Edge, and it is actually a fairly smart decision.

Lashely in the back

Lashley storms into Bischoff’s office but gets attacked by Abyss in a poorly produced segment. This leaked all over the internet before the PPV, so I’m shocked that TNA didn’t change the plans. Bischoff, Hogan and Abyss displayed some truly awful acting as Hulk reveals that Abyss will face the mystery opponent. On a side note, is no one worried that Lashley is lying on the couch unconscious with a possible concussion? Hogan again says that everyone has to prove themselves and tells Abyss to bring his A-game.

Desmond Wolfe v. D’Angle Dinero

Desmond now rocks a track suit and has a valet. The valet removes Desmond’s outfit to reveal that he now wears long trunks. The match itself is a spirited fifteen minute contest where Wolfe wins with a lariat. Hey, the right guy went over, but does he really need the valet and the theatrics? I guess Hogan thought so. If TNA can put on competitive matches like this then they’ll go in the right direction. Hopefully these aren’t the exception but the rule.

Borash in the back

Bischoff shows up and tells Jeremy that he’ll be off television. He replaces him with Christy Hemme who interviews Ric Flair. Flair says that he goes where the greatest talent in the world is.

Outsiders v. Beer Money

The sting of the partner change is felt immediately as we get an incorrect graphic still telling us that Scott Hall would be wrestling. Really? Why not just NOT show the graphic? Either Hall just didn’t show up to work or they decided just to mess with us. Speaking of messing with us, Beer Money got the pin. Did they win by out-wrestling two guys who probably don’t have business being put over in the first place? Nope. They won because Hall wandered down and attacked a “fan”, so Pac got distracted and left Nash all alone. See, now TNA can say they put Beer Money over The Band, even if it wasn’t as clean as anyone would have liked.

Hogan and Bischoff in the back

Hogan promises to call out the n.W.o. on Thursday as he appears to be still writing the show.

Abyss v. Mr. Anderson…Anderson

Well, he’s back. Not only is he back, he has his entire WWE gimmick with him. No matter what the IWC may think about him, he’s gonna make a major impact for TNA. Anderson could finally see his potential fulfilled…or he’ll get injured and disappear again. As for the match itself (which overall was poorly executed and exposed both guys as not being very good), Anderson was able to kick out of Shock Treatment and beats Abyss with brass knuckles. The fans seemed confused throughout because Abyss was a sympathetic babyface and Anderson was a debuting babyface so they just sorta sat on their hands.

TNA Title: Angle v. Styles

Kurt and AJ put on the kind of match we expect them to do, but it is the ending that is noteworthy (and what I called). Angle locked the AngleLock on Styles and just before AJ tapped, Flair pulled the ref out of the ring. When Angle turned to confront him, Styles took Kurt out. Flair then tossed the belt to AJ, who plasters Angle with the title for the pin.

I said in the Roundtable that TNA had a problem because they didn’t have a main event heel. I hoped that they would develop a new star and put him into that top slot, but instead they decided to go with AJ Styles. While Styles is capable of being a heel (and with Flair as his mouthpiece, he should do just fine), the concern is that AJ is not only the face of TNA but also it’s most earnest supporter. When you take away the guy who can deliver those passionate speeches about loving the company, you run a major risk. He was very much their Bret Hart, in that you would believe anything he said because he just sounded so damn real. I would say that I hope TNA knows what they’re doing, but I doubt it.

Okay, enough TNA, it’s time for RAW.

“Rest in peace.”

We open with the standard Martin Luther King Jr. video package that Vince dusts off every year. Hmm, I wonder if Kofi will be main eventing tonight just to hammer the point home.

This leads to the continually awful Nickelback song opener, followed by an opening shot of Lane Kiffin’s burned Volunteers. When you lay down with dogs, you wake up with fleas.

Tonight we have Cena and Kofi versus Legacy, so I guess I was right about the whole Kingston thing. Also, tonight’s guest hosts are Nash Bridges and Napoleon Dynamite. Huzzah.

But first, we open with the chairman of the highest rated program in cable television. No, not Bonnie Hammer. As Vince struts to the ring, we get a replay of Vince roshamboing Bret Hart.

Vince thanks us for the warm reception (which Cole talked over…uh oh) before saying that in business you make tough decisions. McMahon makes a valid point that he had a tough decision to bring RAW to the godforsaken University of Tennessee. He also said it was hard to bring Bret in, leave him broke and then ban him from television. He did it for us, and unlike Hogan, he listens to his fans. We want to remember Bret the way that he was as opposed to the way that he is. Apparently the new Bret Hart is a broken down war horse that needs to be put down. It’s Vince’s job to put them down. I doubt this has anything to do with Hulk Hogan. Spitting out old pieces of gum that have no flavor…nope, no Hogan overtones here.

Vince said that if he let Bret stick around, it would be a disease. No Vince, strokes aren’t diseases. McMahon says that his job is to chop of the gangrene limbs, so I guess that’s what happened to Zach Gowen. McMahon says that we want better, stronger and faster. I think he’s promising to bring us the wrong Steve Austin. Vince says that we made the decision to not bring Bret back, and this gets interrupted by that young and vivacious Undertaker.

Yeah, probably not a great idea to say that we want young superstars and then tote out one of the oldest guys on the roster…not to mention the fact that he’s the World Heavyweight Champion. It’s funny, there were rumors that at Mania it was going to be Taker/Vince, so let’s be thankful we’re not getting that.

Taker gets his full fireball and dry ice entrance, which is cool for me because I so rarely get to talk about that on a Monday Night. Cole says that there is nothing like his entrance, but unlike Mr. Anderson…Anderson, Taker can still go in the ring apparently. Poor Ken. Why couldn’t they have put him with Daniels and let Val Venis handle Abyss?

So this RAW has Vince, Taker and Shawn Michaels. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was watching one of Scott Keith’s Retro Rants.

Vince says that he feels that this is his time and his show, but Undertaker says that it is now his time. So I guess he’s the new Triple H. Man, that old Hunter theme was great.

Taker says that Vince’s ego won’t allow him to admit that there aren’t many of them left, but Undertaker was there twelve years ago in Montreal. He saw the whole thing; he saw Vince’s fear then and now. Why? Is Bret gonna hit him again? Taker says that Vince screwed Bret Hart not once, but twice. No wonder Bret walks with a limp. Undertaker then calls Vince a coward. Hopefully Vince subscribes to the Marty McFly rule that whenever he’s called yellow, he has to challenge them.

The fans chant “We Want Bret” for a second but Vince cedes the ring and hightails it. Stubborness, anger, denial are the attributes of Shawn Michaels according to The Undertaker. They are also the path to the Dark Side. Taker rehashes Shawn’s promos from last year where Michaels said that he was going to break the streak. Spoiler alert: He lost. Wanna know what else? Vince was the higher power. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are.

Taker says that his answer to Shawn’s rematch has to be delivered personally. Remember when he used to send that creepy errand boy bellhop to deliver his messages?

Shawn comes out in his camo pants and his DX football jersey and he looks like someone’s hip grandpa. On a side note, it looks like Taker’s “Sara” tattoo is gone from his neck. Did he leave his wife? (who had an uncanny resemblance to Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer).

Michaels says he is anxiously waiting for the answer (why didn’t he just read the script? I’m sure a copy was lying around somewhere). Taker says that Shawn was closer than all the others but he still failed. To be fair, Giant Gonzales got the closest, since he lost by DQ. Taker says that he has nothing to prove to him, so his answer is “No.” Well, I guess Shawn is gonna win the Rumble and challenge Taker.

“You got the audacity to look me in the sunken, crosseyed and lazy eye…” but Taker interrupts him and says that he’ll give him a shot….tonight. Holy shit, that’s a pretty big match to give away on free television. Shawn responds by saying that he won’t do it. “When I beat you, it’s gonna be on the grandest stage of them all.” Translation: you’re gonna have to crack open your wallet. Shawn then reveals his dastardly plan like a James Bond villain and says that he’s gonna win the Royal Rumble and challenge Taker. So I guess Rey ain’t winning the strap. That’s a shame because two strike wrestlers who win the title really go onto great things…in Orlando. Face.

Shawn promises to take his streak, his title and his soul. He’ll break the streak and take the title, but he’ll probably give his soul to Jesus to make amends for the majority of the 90’s.

Commercial.

We get a replay of Legacy helping Randy Orton become the #1 Contender, brought to you by Just for Men. So we have a TV-PG show advertising hair dye for old men. Makes sense. That’s why Levitra sponsors (insert topical kids show here).

Sheamus comes to the ring and Evan Bourne suffers the indignity of not even getting an entrance. Lawler says that Sheamus looks cocky and arrogant. Uh, he’s facing a guy who’s been reduced to such a jobber that he doesn’t even get his music played. The only way he could be cockier would be if he was facing Dwayne Gill.

Sheamus muscles Bourne into the corner and Randy Orton is slowly walking down to the ring. Lawler saves Cole the indignity and says that Orton is slithering down the aisle. My guess is all that Mystic Tan has locked up his joints and that’s why he has to go so slowly. Bourne capitalizes on the distraction and pulls out his Token Offense before getting the dramatic roll-up for two. Sheamus shrugs this all off and hits his Bicycle Kick to kill Bourne dead. Sheamus then hits the Razor’s Edge. In FCW he uses the Jackhammer, why not break that out here? It’s not like anyone else really uses it (except for Batista every once in a while) and it looks impressive. Oh, Sheamus won. Bourne will be taking home the loser’s share of the purse.

Orton walks into the ring and we have a heel staredown. Sheamus holds up his title (which is the extent of his sparkling wit) and we just sorta watch dead air. Yeah, that’ll get my money.

Shawn is in the back and he sees his hetero lifemate Triple H. Hunter then delivers perhaps the greatest line delivery of his career, “That was some powerful stuff, but I tell ya…HEY, DON JOHNSON!” That was amazing. Don is looking for Jon Heder and Shawn says that he has no clue who Heder is. The years have not been kind to Joh, who looks like a puffy Barry Manilow. Hunter talks about how Heder is an idiot and that Don should host the show on his own. Don then runs into Carlito dressed like Napoleon Dynamite. Don asks if Carl is a Napoleon fan and he says that he’s never seen it. Don’t worry folks, the show usually picks up right around Weekend Update.

Commercial.

We’re back with another graphic for Legacy/Cena & Kingston.

Hey, it’s the All American American. Which less talented guy is he gonna job to tonight? Jerry Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole throw us to a replay of Swagger being embarrassed last week at the hands of Santino. Sigh.

Jack has the mic and says that last week was a fluke. He says American a bunch and that when he’s in the Rumble, he will throw out anyone who gets in his path. Yeah, that’s kinda the point. Jack issues another over-the-top challenge, which may bring out Stallone. Instead, we get the lesser Italian stereotype, Santino. Marella is dressed in his Miami Vice finest and I am BEGGING for Fuji Vice. Marella brings out his replacement, Mark Hey-Hey Henry. Anyone not see that swerve coming? Hell, even Schiavone saw that one coming.

What’s funny is that these guys both got drafted from ECW to RAW where they were both champions there and are now midcard fodder. Jack hammers away on Henry and Mark scoops him up and dumps him out of the ring. Well, at least it was short. The only way they can save Swagger at this point is if he wins the Royal Rumble. Either that or have him grow a mustache and play Jack’s evil brother Mack Swagger.

A limo has pulled up in the back and its The Bella Twins and Jon Heder. See, because he’s a pimp and all. Apparently he has someone in his limo who is a surprise guest. My guess is it isn’t gonna be Flair or Hardy or Kennedy, but I could be wrong.

Commercial.

Now’s a good time to point out that Don Johnson played a major role in my RAW viewing. See, when USA stopped airing “Walker: Texas Ranger” before RAW, they aired “Nash Bridges”, so when I used to tape Monday Night RAW, I would catch the last minute of that awful show. Then, when it switched to TNN, RAW was preceded by “Miami Vice”. And now he’s on RAW. Yay?

We’re back and our fact is that more than half of the Rumble winners have won the title at the Royal Rumble. Sorry Big John Studd.

Jon Heder and Don Johnson come out to the ring with The Bella Twins to promote a movie that neither of them are actually stars of. They’re like the fifth or sixth leads in this movie. Why couldn’t we get Kristen Bell?

Don says that they are thrilled to be hosting RAW in between saying “yeah baby” a hundred times. Jon Heder plays the heel by saying it’s great to see real movie stars. Don says that tonight’s main event will feature D-Generation X. Heder says he needs something new, like how USC got themselves a great new football coach. Alright, that’s kinda great. Man I hate Tennessee. Heder introduces Lane Kiffin’s friend, The Miz. I’ll say this, Heder looks like he’s have a ball as a heel.

Miz looks dapper in his vest and he says it’s great to have actual celebrities as celebrity hosts. Apparently Jon Heder entered The Miz into the Royal Rumble. See, I like the Celebrity GM gimmick when they use it to ENHANCE the talent. The Miz says that apparently Triple H sent a text saying he thought only Don Johnson should host RAW. Miz points out that Heder has drawn $300 million dollars, which Don says Vice did in a week. Miz says that Don was what he is, the hottest thing in television. Everyone wanted to be Sunny Crockett. If this leads to Miz comparing Tubbs to MVP, give Miz the WWE Title.

Miz in fact compares Tubbs to MVP, so I guess he should get the strap. MVP comes strolling out, and since it’s MLK Day, he’s gonna get over. Porter says that he’s from Miami and Don lived in Miami, so they have a kinship. Well, I live near Miami, but I wouldn’t say I have a kinship with MVP other than the fact that Porter stole my car. What? Too soon?

MVP says that he too is in the Royal Rumble, and if he does nothing else, he’s gonna eliminate The Miz. MVP says that he’s gonna do it right now…even though it isn’t the Rumble. This gets interrupted by The Big Show. Wait, what? MVP and Miz go at it and Big Show knocks out MVP. What in the blue hell is going on? Jon Heder says that he and Show have the same agent, so tonight DX will face Miz-Show. Biz? Heder asks the fans to cheer for friendship, which is pretty great. They need to hire him to do this every week, because he seems to be a bit of a heat magnet. I never thought I would be behind anything that moron did (for the record I HATE Napoleon Dynamite), but he proved me wrong.

Coming up next is Cena and Kingston against Legacy.

Commercial.

We’re back and its John Cena time. Cole says that it’s deafening at the University of Tennessee, and I will point out that John is rocking Gator colors in the heart of Vol Country. He is a brave man. Speaking of brave men, here comes Kofi “Ghanna not blow a spot tonight and get cursed out on air” Kingston (though for the sake of brevity I’ll just call him Kofi Kingston). Kofi is accompanied by the copyright logo, so we’re halfway done, folks.

Legacy comes out next and Cody for some reason Moonwalks out of the curtain. Uh, okay. We get another replay to remind us that Legacy screwed Cena and Kingston, which is only noteworthy because Jerry Lawler mistakenly says that Randy Savage got the pinfall. They gotta cut out the open bar at the announce table.

Cena and Cody start it out but after one hiptoss, Cody tags in Teddy. Cena goes for the bulldog for two, but doesn’t launch into the Five Moves of Mediocrity. Teddy tags in Cody who shows his second generation skills by stomping John. Could be worse, he could be wearing gold paint and be forced to open-mouth kiss Ahmed Johnson. Seriously, many children’s lives were scarred by that moment.

Teddy is back in and he continues the tradition of throwing punches. Shawn Michaels, MVP, Miz, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Cena, Kofi, Cody and Teddy have all been announced for the Royal Rumble but sadly no Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Kofi gets tagged in and does his standard jumping around offense. He hits the “Boom Boom Boom” on Teddy before going for Trouble in Paradise. Cody distracts Kofi and Teddy hits a clothesline. Cody gets tagged in, and to change the pace, stomps Kofi into…

Commercial.

We’re back and during the break Cody has continued to stomp of Kingston. Someone please show this guy how to grab a hammerlock.

Cody goes for a knee drop but Kofi moves and we get the hot tag tease for a minute but Legacy breaks it up. Kofi Morton gets locked in a sleeper for a few moments before hitting a jawbreaker on Teddy as we tease another hot tag. Kofi connects with a belly-to-back suplex to tease the THIRD hot tag attempt and it finally works. The Tennessee fans are so excited that Cena got the tag, because there was no way to think that he would ever get tagged in. Ever.

Cena goes for the Five Moves of Mediocrity before going for the FU but Cody reverses it into a Russian Legsweep. Hey, it wasn’t a stomp! Cena then hits the FU but Teddy makes the save. Kofi gets tagged in and he hits a crossbody off the top rope for the pin.

Cody and Teddy tease tension in the ring because at the Royal Rumble, everyone is in it for themselves.

Miz and Big Show are in the back with Jon Heder and then the fucking midget shows up on a ladder. Hunter then shows up to say that he doesn’t like him before taking a dig at the TV-PG rating. Hornswoggle challenges Heder to a match. Hunter decides to make the main event a six-man tag match; DX and the goddamn dwarf versus Biz and Heder. By the way, Big Show rocking the black leather varsity jacket over his singlet is a great old school look.

Commercial.

We get a replay of Eve Torres beating Katie Lea and Maryse puts it best, “This is so boring.”

Maryse comes out first, so yay. Her partner is Alicia Fox. They’re facing Gail Kim and Eve Torres. See, these are the four finalists in the Tramp Stamp tournament. My fiancé took three seconds to look at the bracket and realize that it’ll come down to Maryse and Gail Kim and that Maryse is gonna win. I wish it was because she was a student of the game, but I think it has more to do with the fact that RAW’s women’s division is pretty predictable. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, because Maryse does in fact deserve the gold. Smackdown, on the other hand, is building a bit of intrigue with the whole Phoenix/James/Layla/McCool stuff.

Oh, there’s a match going on. Eve has Alicia on the top rope and turns it into a top rope rolling Fujiwara armbar for the win. Yes, that’s the best description.

We get a video package of Steve Austin on “Chuck”. FYI, for the few of you that don’t know, “Chuck” has become one of the best shows on television.

Tonight, DX and Hornswoggle take on The Biz and Jon Heder.

Commercial.

We’re back and Don Johnson appears to be sexually harassing Kelly Kelly as Jon Heder hyperventilates into a brown bag. Biz shows up to say that they get along better than JeriShow, Show and Taker and Show and Kane. Miz says that “Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man” was a mistake but this is brilliant. For those of you that get that reference, that’s amazing. Jon Heder gets his own Flair robe with the words The Flame on the back.

Cole and Lawler are on camera and Michael hasn’t been fired to talking over Vince and Jerry hasn’t been fired for mentioning the Macho Man, so I guess dreams just don’t come true.

We get a recap of the Rumble card; Taker and Mysterio, Sheamus and Orton and the Rumble match.

Vince and Hunter are in the back and Vince is bitching about being called a coward. McMahon says that he’ll call out Taker next week, but Hunter says that the McMahon family all have to get the last word in. Triple H says that if he brings Bret back, he’ll make him a bigger star. If he doesn’t call him out, he’s a coward. Shawn then shows up and asks what Hunter wanted to ask him but this gets interrupted by the fucking midget on a ladder. Hunter gives him a piggyback ride down the hallway, but walking down another more sinister hallway is Randy Orton who will wrestle…

Commercial.

I hear me some voices, which means it’s time for snake puns. His opponent is Chris Masters, who is accompanied by Eve Torres. Ugh, seriously? Can’t we just save Masters for Superstars so I can fast forward through his matches like the television deities intended?

Sheamus is out to watch this match voluntarily, which shows you that he’s a tough champion. Masters overpowers Orton before Randy stomps him and takes over. Chris goes for the Matherlock but it gets blocked. Come on Randy, just kick him in the head and end it.

After Chris gets a few seconds of offense, Orton goes for the RKO but it gets reversed into the Matherlock. Lawler shows he’s a moron by saying that he’s never seen anyone escape the Matherlock. Really? Hope Cena didn’t hear that. Randy Orton makes it to the ropes to break the hold and then Orton hits the RKO for the pin. Sheamus runs into the ring and hits the Bicycle Kick on Orton. He then starts his standard re-re shout before walking to the back, where I’m sure they’ll strap the helmet back on his ginger head.

Oh, I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned it yet, but how excited am I that Eric Escobar was Future Endeavored. I said the minute I saw him that he’d be fired, and sure enough, he’s gone. Now if only Tyler Reks, Primo and Abraham Washington would follow him out the door.

Commercial.

Next week RAW is hosted by the guys from “Psych”. More importantly, one of them is Charlie from “The West Wing”, which combines my love of wrestling with my love of the work of Aaron Sorkin! Yes, I am that big of a pretentious jerk.

Big Show comes to the ring first without his awesome jacket. His Biz partner The Miz comes out next with his awesome new theme song. The unofficial third member of Team Biz comes from “the great ball of fire”, The Flame. He’s already more over than The Band.

DX comes out next and the fucking midget has glowsticks strapped to its helmet. And here come the relics, accompanied by Don Johnson. Yeah, but unlike DX, Don Johnson didn’t work in his forties. Wait, I have another one. DX wouldn’t job and Don Johnson couldn’t get a job. Nothing like kicking them when they’re down. If you don’t like it, you can sue me in the world court.

Commercial.

We’re back and the match has already started. Miz hits his neckbreaker combo but it looks kinda botched so I hope he doesn’t paralyze Michaels in his main event shot. Now I know people are going to gripe about Hornswoggle being in the main event, but it (a) gets Heder in the ring and (b) allows Miz go also be in the main event. You win some, you lose some.

Big Show is in now and he deadlifts Shawn off the ground into a sidewalk slam. Miz comes back in now to stomp on Shawn. Cole says that Don Johnson has won a Golden Globe, which is pretty astounding. Then again, if you would have told me that Mo’nique would have a Golden Globe a few years ago, I would have probably hit you.

Miz goes for a blind charge but no one’s home and we again do the hot tage crawl. Hornswoggle tags himself in but eats a short clothesline. Heder gets tagged in and he takes off his robe to reveal trunks. He kinda looks like every mid-80’s jobber. Cole reminds us for the tenth time tonight that that is THE Jon Heder. Hornswoggle bites him in the ass and then tags in Triple H. Heder tries to flee but Don Johnson rolls him into the ring. Hunter punches Heder but Big Show comes in to chokeslam Hunter but eats a superkick and then he falls on Heder. Hornswoggle hits a frogplash for the pin. You can’t make this stuff up folks. Well, you can because it’s all fake, but you get my point.

Hunter has the mic and now he’s gonna reveal something important to Shawn. Triple H says that he doesn’t think it’ll work out for Shawn going for the championship. What the hell is going on. John Cena then comes out. Something got screwed up something fierce because both guys seemed to lose their shit. Cena says he has a major announcement, and that announcement is that he’s officially in the Royal Rumble. Big Show climbs into the ring now all woozy and he says that HE is in the Royal Rumble this year also. This segment has gotten screwed up somehow and it makes no sense. Big Show jumps DX but Cena attacks Big Show. What the hell is going on? DX tosses Cena out of the ring and then Hunter throws Shawn out of the ring. Hunter says that his big announcement is that he’s gonna win the Royal Rumble. THAT was the big announcement?

This has been for your consideration.