I HAVE A DREAM!
Really, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is a great man.
TIME…TO…GET…RAW!
Tonight, John Cena and Kofi Kingston take on Legacy and Don Johnson & Jon Heder are in charge!
But first, Mr. McMahon is doing something he hasn’t done in a long time – begin Monday Night RAW with a promo. If it’s anything like last week, I won’t have anything good to say about it. Two weeks ago, he kicked Bret Hart in the balls. Life is about decisions. Sometimes they can be good, bad, or tough. He heels up to the crowd before he turns the cheek, then he turns the other cheek. He did it for the WWE Universe. The way Bret was…was the Hitman. The way Bret is…he is someone that needs to be put down. He talks about chewing gum and compares it to Bret Hart. Vince must have not chewed Stride Gum before. He then channels Chris Jericho calling the fans hypocrites. The fans made the decision to keep Bret away from the WWE.
Bells toll and the flames rises…THE UNDERTAKER IS HERE! He is in the ring and the lights fade to an eerie blue. Vince wasn’t quite finished and Taker is ignoring him. The way he sees it…it is his time now. He wanted to address Shawn Michaels, but since Vince is here, he’ll tell him the cold hard truth. There’s not many of his kind left. He was there when Montreal happened. He sees the fear in Vince’s eyes then and now. Taker said that he screwed Bret Hart not once but twice and now he is terrified of the consequences. He calls Vince a coward and this makes him want to disagree. He then takes his leave from the ring as the smoke rises. Stubbornness, Anger, Denial. They are not just the attributes of Vince, but they are that of Shawn Micheals. He recalls last year that Shawn valiantly tried, but the Streak is still intact. He stands before us to deliver his answer…personally.
Shawn comes out and he faces the Undertaker inside the ring. Shawn goes to speak first and he says that he is here. He is anxiously waiting for his answer. Taker says that Shawn came closer than anyone else, but he still failed. A rematch will only result in more disappointment for Shawn. Taker has nothing to prove to him and he denies the rematch! Shawn gets pissed off a bit and Taker says that if he still thinks he can beat him, he will grant him that chance…TONIGHT! Holy Sh*t! Whoa! Shawn declines that chance. He only wants to beat Undertaker on the grandest stage of them all. He now realizes what he has to do. He will enter the Rumble and he will win. When he wins, he’ll face Undertaker at Wrestlemania. Shawn vows that the Streak, the Title, and his Soul will be his.
Commercials.
Slam of the Week: Randy Orton beats John Cena & Kofi Kingston with the help of Legacy.
Here comes the WWE Champion as we gear up for our opening bout of the evening. This is a rematch from two weeks ago as Evan Bourne is already in the ring.
Sheamus v. Evan Bourne
Bourne is one of the men in the Rumble and Randy Orton makes his way to ringside to scout Sheamus while he manhandles Bourne in the ring. Bourne takes advantage of the distraction and he hits the double knee drop for a close two count. Sheamus responds with a backbreaker and he follows up with a huge Bicycle Kick. The Razor’s Edge, now dubbed “The Celtic Cross” by Jerry Lawler, finishes.
Winner: Sheamus
Grade: F
Randy Orton climbs into the ring and the fans are starting to get behind the Viper. Sheamus takes his title and he hoists it in the air getting the bigger heat of the two. He then takes his leave.
Backstage, Triple H talks with Shawn and he wants to talk to him about his promo. Don Johnson comes by and he asks where Jon Heder is at. Trips calls Heder an idiot and Johnson recalls some incident. He finds Carlito…who’s hairdo kills me, and he walks away. Where’s Santino when you really need him?
Commercials.
Here comes Jack Swagger and he looks “well”. Last week, he was embarrassed in the All American American American American Challenge by Santino Marella. He says that last week was a fluke and he is an All American (x4). He’ll throw anyone out that gets in his way. He issues another All American (x2) Challenge to Santino, who comes out looking like Don Johnson. Santino would love to do that, he’s more interested in being in some Don Johnson fan club. He found someone that is a suitable substitute. What would Andy Wheeler say to this exchange? Check him out later tonight for his FYC.
Over the Top Rope Challenge: Jack Swagger v. Mark Henry
Bell rings and Swagger looks threatening, but Henry makes the first move. Swagger attacks from behind, but Henry no sells and he gets picked up into a military press and launched out of the ring.
Winner: Mark Henry
Grade: NR
Backstage a limo pulls into the arena. The Bellas come out with Jon Heder who looked like…yeah I won’t go there. He’s on his way to the ring.
Commercials.
We’re back and Justin Roberts don’t know anything about our guest hosts, but he introduces them anyway. Johnson has the mic first and he knows what the WWE Universe is thinking. Real life movie stars. HA! The main event will feature DX. That’s new? Heder disagrees and he wants something new. The fans really crap on Heder mentioning his football coach. He calls his close personal friend, The Miz out to the ring. The Miz craps on the rest of the celebs we had the past few months. He thanks Heder for entering him in the Rumble and he tries to play Triple H off as a bad guy. Miz disses Johnson so bad that Johnson remembers “Tubs” from Miami Vice. We segue this to talk about MVP and Heder calls MVP a MizTake. Speaking of MVP, here he comes.
MVP apologize to Johnson for putting up with what is going on in the ring and he apologizes to the WWE Universe for putting up with Napeleon Dyanmite and Pedro. He’s in the Rumble too and he wants nothing more than to throw Miz and Heder out tonight. Out comes the Big Show and Heder had it planned. Show dismantles MVP and the main event is DX v. ShowMiz (Yes…I made that up, but it rocks.)!
Heder kisses Big Show and Show shakes hands with Miz and we are to forget that they were once opposites before.
Commercials.
Text “LIVE” to 25383 to donate $10 to the Haiti Earthquake Relief Effort sponsored by WWE and AmeriCares. This will charge $10 as a premium SMS through your cell phone provider.
Last week, I asked how do you turn Cena heel without ailenating the core audience and I gotta say, I liked the responses I got from that. This week, I ask you this: Which is the better match up for Wrestlemania 26: John Cena v. The Undertaker or Shawn Michaels v. The Undertaker II?
John Cena & Kofi Kingston v. The Legacy
Rhodes and Cena begin the bout and Rhodes gets arm dragged to oblivion. He tags out to DiBiase and Cena gets the better of him as he pins him for a two count. To the ropes we go and DiBiase goes low and kicks Cena. Tag to Rhodes and he takes it to Cena in the heel corner. They work Cena over and DiBiase gets tagged back in. HERE COMES CENA! Cena crashes into the corner turnbuckle and he turns around…LARIAT BY DIBIASE! That gets two. Kingston gets the tag and he takes Legacy to the limit! He goes into a control frenzy and he drops the Boom Drop on DiBiase. Trouble In Paradise is scouted and he goes for the corner punch. Rhodes distracts and DiBiase gets control back. They team up on Kofi as we go to break.
Commercials.
Back from break, Legacy is still in control as Rhodes gets a tag and a dropkick for two. Kofi tries to come back, but Rhodes no sells the offense and Kofi gets caught in the heel corner. Scoop slam connects and Rhodes misses the knee drop. DiBiase gets tagged and he misses the charge. Kofi looks for the tag, but Rhodes comes in and he takes out Cena. Non-chalant cover gets two for Rhodes. DiBiase back in and he has Kingston in a headlock. Kofi tries to come back and he jacks DiBiase’s jaw. Tag is blocked, but Kofi backdrops out of the waist lock. HERE COMES CENA! Shoulder block…PROTOBOMB…FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Attitude Adjustment, but Rhodes counters with a Russian Leg Sweep for a two count. Cena reverses and he counters the bulldog! Attitude Adjustment CONNECTS…DIBIASE breaks it up! Tag to Kofi! CROSSBODY BLOCK FOR THE THREE!
Winners: John Cena & Kofi Kingston
Grade: B
DiBiase is shocked. Rhodes is pissed off that DiBiase ducked out of the way and we’re teasing more tension.
Backstage, Heder continues to blow the Miz and the Big Show and Hornswoggle comes into the action to speak midgetese. Trips comes in and he tells Heder that he doesn’t like him very much. Big Show wants Hornswoggle, so Trips suggests a six man. DX with Hornswoggle against MizShow and Jon Heder. Heder looks like he crapped himself.
Commercials.
WWE Rewind: Maryse found Eve Torres v. Katie Lea Burchill boring last week. I agree.
We’re back on RAW and it is time for a Diva’s Tag Team match!
Maryse & Alicia Fox v. Gail Kim & Eve Torres
Gail and Maryse start things off as Gail quickly rolls her up for two. Missile Dropkick by Gail gets a two count. Alicia chalks up a distraction and Gail winds up on the wrong end of things. Backbreaker slam gets two by Maryse. Tag to Alicia and they double team her. Maryse poses while Alicia botches a backbreaker for a two count. Scissors Kick misses and here comes Eve. Eve eats a boot in the corner, but she still takes it to Alicia. Somersault splash gets a delayed two count. Eve goes on top…flips Alicia over into an Armbar for the submission?
Winners: Gail Kim & Eve Torres
Grade: C-
We get a glimpse of Stone Cold guest starring on “Chuck”.
Commercials.
Don Johnson flirts with Kelly Kelly and Jon Heder is going nuts. He wants Johnson to take his place tonight. MizShow comes into the room and Big Show feels that he and Miz are clicking more than he did with Jericho. They brought in one of Ric Flair’s old attire and gives it to Heder. Kill…Me.
We’re two weeks away from the Royal Rumble!
Backstage, Triple H and Vince McMahon have a heart-to-heart. Trips makes perfect sense and he talks Vince into calling Bret Hart out in the future. Shawn comes in and Hornswoggle brings in the ladder. Trips gives Hornswoggle a piggyback ride.
Randy Orton walks.
Commercials.
Randy Orton v. Chris Masters (w/ Eve Torres)
The new music for Masters is growing on me. The bell rings and Sheamus wants a front row seat in the match. Lockup to start and Masters takes Orton down. Orton follows with a series of uppercuts, but Masters goes for the Masterlock to no avail. Orton tees off on him and we go to the corner. Orton off the corner and he runs into a powerslam for two. 3.0 Backbreaker connects for Orton and he lies in wait. RKO attempt…COUNTERED TO THE MASTERLOCK! Orton is desparate to get out, but the hold is cinched in! Orton reaches the ropes and Masters lets go. He waits for Orton and out of nowhere…RKO! Way to no-sell the Full Nelson, Randy. Way to go.
Winner: Randy Orton
Grade: C-
Post match, Sheamus slithers in and he kicks Orton into next week! Sheamus walks up the ramp as Orton learns a harsh lesson in selling, as he is still down.
Commercials.
James Roday and Dule Hill are your guest hosts next week!
Big Show, The Miz, & Jon Heder v. DX & Hornswoggle w/Don Johnson
So Jon Heder is from the Great Ball of Fire. Somebody please…please stop the pain. I hope he intends on wrestling with that robe on unless they want someone to be….must resist making a Sheamus joke. Must resist…
BREAK IT DOWN!
But first, we know it’s 11PM…but we need to take some commercials.
Commercials.
We are JIP as Shawn kips up and does his thing with the Miz. Miz counters with the Reality Check for a two count. He beats on Shawn a bit while Don Johnson looks on. Tag to Big Show and he drops Shawn on his back for a two count. He steps on him and tags in Miz who chokes out Shawn Michaels. Miz waits for it…and he kicks Shawn in the head, but Shawn takes it to the Miz in the corner! Miz charges and both men clothesline each other. Hornswoggle tags in and he hits a dropkick to Miz. Off the ropes, Miz clotheslines him. Tag to Jon Heder and he’s almost as white as Sheamus and Jerry Lawler agrees with me. Kick to Hornswoggle…he charges, misses Hornswoggle and he bites Heder in the ass. Tag to Trips and Heder tries to run away. Don Johnson prevents it. Heder gets KTFO by Trips, but Big Show comes in…eats Sweet Chin Music and falls on Heder. Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music on the Miz and Hornswoggle gets a tag. Tadpole Splash on Big Show and Jon Heder and he scores the pin.
Winners: DX & Hornswoggle
Grade: D+
Post Match, Triple H lays it out on Shawn…telling him to find another way to face the Undertaker that it won’t work out that way. Here comes Cena! He tries to stop the DX quarrel and Cena makes the announcement that he will be in the Royal Rumble. He’s gonna win it again. Big Show climbs back in the ring and he picks up the microphone and he has news for everyone. He’s in the Rumble too! He will show everyone why he’ll win and he takes out everyone except Cena. DX takes Cena out and Trips tosses Shawn and proclaims that he will win it.
Show Over.
The Final Pulse
This week’s RAW Grade is a D+. However, once again, the show wasn’t terribly bad and the guest hosts did a good job. I could have asked for less interaction with the guest hosts competiting in the ring, but that’s my opinion. Sheamus took Orton’s head off and he gains an important advantage heading to the Rumble and the slow face turn for Orton begins. It will be interesting next week to say the least.
See you in seven.
