For Your Consideration…Get Psyched for RAW

For Your Consideration…Get Psyched for RAW

Wow, that week sure went fast. Feels just like yesterday I was watching Napoleon Dynamite prance around a wrestling ring pretending to be an actual Superstar. Sadly, those emotional scars have yet to heal, but time waits for no man (sans Marty McFly), so let’s get this show on the road.

First, shameless plug time. As you know, you can be my very best friend on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=100000654073648 or follow me on Twitter (twitter.com/awheeler316) where I posed an interesting question as to which veteran people would want to see in the Rumble. Someone suggested Scotty 2 Hottie, and while I can appreciate the thought of giving Scott Taylor a job, I’m too scared to think about the possibility of this bringing back Rikishi Seriously, how many Guest Hosts would wind up staring at the business end of his massive dimpled ass?

I also posed a question about the Guest Host deal in general. Personally, I have made peace with the notion that RAW has become a washed up SNL (though it hasn’t quite sunk to the level of the truly unwatchable but thankfully recently cancelled MadTV), but I would love to see the WWE call a spade a spade and have a Guest Writer for RAW. Imagine if RAW was penned by Kevin Smith or Wes Anderson (instead of the boobs and big bad comedy we get now that looks like a Michael Bay wet dream…in TV-PG of course)?

In a perfect world, I would love to see RAW written by my screenwriting hero, Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, think about how amazing Monday Night RAW could be in the hands of that gifted scribe. First, there’s the opening promo. Nobody writes a better monologue than Mr. Sorkin, be it a President Bartlett address or Jack Nicholson’s famous “You can’t handle the truth!”, Aaron seems to be able to balance pathos, grandeur and outright anger. Second, there’s the backstage segments. Come on! Who does a better walk-and-talk than Sorkin? Lastly, there’s the matches themselves. Sorkin showed on “Sports Night” and “West Wing” that he is the master of the payoff (to anyone who has seen the former, I only need to say “Gordon, you’re wearing my shirt” and you know how good he is at the payoff). Alas, this is just a pipe dream, but at least we’re kinda close because one of tonight’s guest hosts is a Sorkin vet. Look, I take what I can get, so cut me some slack.

One thing from the actual world-o-wrasslin that I wanted to touch on before I get into the nuts and bolts of RAW, and that’s CM Punk. See, Punk has always been one of those guys that has been polarizing for the fans. In my second column ever here on the site (all the way back in 2007) I was talking about the prospect of Punk turning heel (feel free to check it out in the archive…I’ll wait). CM Punk’s heel turn last year was, in my humble opinion, storyline of the year. The subtle nuances of Punk’s character shift were so pitch perfect that it’s hard to believe it was written by Creative.

Now a lot of people were very upset over the fact that Punk’s title run was abruptly ended by The Undertaker. In the WWE’s defense (and I am merely playing Devil’s Advocate), the loss of Jeff Hardy to the main event picture on Smackdown dealt them a major blow, and the company needed a major face to headline Friday Nights. With Punk now a full-on heel, the WWE had to go with Taker. Sure, they didn’t need to make Punk look like such a bitch in his loss, but it happened and we move on.

The great thing about the CM Punk heel turn is that he is now showing the WWE that he can stand on his own two feet without a feud. People freaked out when they saw him working with R-Truth, but I stayed calm. Why? Because Punk was demonstrating that he can get his CHARACTER over without relying on a foil. That was something that the Old School wrestlers were able to do perfectly. We hated Rick Rude and Mr. Perfect because we hated who they were, not just who they were facing. Now, a lot of wrestlers can’t just go out there and generate natural heat unless they have someone to bounce off of. Punk? He can go out with a microphone and electrify an arena simply by developing his already established rhetoric. His promos the past few weeks are a master class in how to get the audience to not only buy what you are saying but cross that line between cynical “This is a riot” and mark “How dare you say that!” That, folks, takes talent.

So fear not that CM Punk isn’t in a major feud, because I think I see where this is going. DX appears to be heading for their inevitable break-up, which means those tag belts are just weighing them down. Hunter and Shawn wanted the tag titles so that they could say that they held them, but they didn’t want the gold so that they could wrestle twice a week. My guess is that Punk and Gallows are going to take the titles on “Friday” so that Hunter and Shawn can go their separate ways as we build towards Mania (don’t worry, they can get back together this summer for more wacky hijinks featuring glowsticks and midgets). Meanwhile, this will allow the now white hot Punk to bring his Straight Edge Society roadshow to Monday Night RAW. Why is this important? Well, in a few weeks the guest hosts are Cheech and Chong. I’ll just let you amateur bookers out there write the rest. In the meantime…

“Andre the Giant”

We open with Nickelback and their still terrible manufactured rock sound before crashing to the pyro and ballyhoo. RAW is in WWE:HD in Columbus Ohio. Tonight’s guest hosts are James Roday and Dule Hill, because white guys have names like James and black guys have names like Dule. Cole asks if we’re ready for this to show how clever he is, because here comes…

D-Generation X. So I guess everything is all forgiven for last week, right? Though, to be fair, since the production botch kinda killed the entire promo, I’m not entirely sure what happened besides Hunter tossing Shawn and stating the obvious that he was in the Rumble. Oh well. Hunter and Shawn come to the ring with the glowsticks AND the tag gold (which I don’t think they’ve sported for a while). We then get a replay of Hunter dumping Shawn and we hear Triple H’s “shocking” announcement that it is every man for himself.

Shawn and Hunter do the choreographed pyro shtick because they are totally in sync. Both middle-teenaged guys have microphones and Hunter pauses long enough to will the crowd into chanting DX. Look, they live in Columbus, they aren’t going to be enthused about much (continuing my legacy of disliking Ohio due to the Gators National Title win a few years back). Shawn tells Hunter that he sent the fucking midget home (making this the best RAW in YEARS) before Shawn says that he doesn’t understand why Hunter won’t just lay down for him in the Rumble. I love how they are playing this as if none of the 28 other guys in the match matter. Yeah, I know they don’t, but come on, just fake it.

Hunter says it’s too much to ask for Hunter to just phone it in, because while Hunter’s been dicking around for the past six months, now he actually cares. Apparently he found his smile under that honker (yeah, a Triple H has a big nose joke…original). So Triple H wants to get the title shot and main event Wrestlemania, which means he gotsta win. Hunter says that if he has to step on Shawn’s dream to get to his, then that’s what he’s going to do. Shawn says that he understands, but he says it in that way that if you’ve ever seen any form of media ever, you know he isn’t being genuine.

Speaking of artificial, here comes the darkly tanned members of Legacy. Cody and Teddy saunter out for this curtain-jerking match, which, I will point out, main evented a PPV.

Hunter starts off wailing on the Duck-Billed Cody before going for a Pedigree. Teddy yanks him out of the ring and right into a…

Commercial.

Before the break, Cole teased us that there was some major news about our Guest Hosts. Now Lawler lets us know that James Roday has no-showed. That’s no surprise when you remember that his favorite wrestler was Jake Roberts.

In the ring, Shawn is handling Legacy. Cody and Teddy wind up on the outside and they both eat a Shawn crossbody off the top rope. Seriously Shawn, you’re at that stage in your career where you can phone it in when you’re wrestling the opening match on RAW.

Teddy hits a neckbreaker and now Legacy is getting some non-commercial-break offense. Good for them. Cody is in now and I am shocked that Cole mentions that Cody and Teddy were two of the final four at the Rumble. See, it isn’t just Scott Keith that keeps track of this stuff.

Cody tags in Teddy and they are showing some of that “star power” I’ve heard so much about. I am not going to lie, I’m kinda shocked that DX is willing to wrestle a full match on RAW, a full match on Smackdown AND the Rumble.

Rhodes is back in with more kicking and punching and meaningless two counts. Cody then hits a Russian Legsweep for two. Cole says that Legacy’s feud with DX led to their maturation. If by maturation you mean aimless floating around the RAW midcard, then yeah. Cody takes out Hunter before getting laid out by Shawn, who goes for the slow tag to Hunter but…he isn’t there! Oh man, smell the drama!

Shawn shrugs this off, Superkicks Teddy, tags in Hunter and Triple H lays waste to Legacy. Hunter goes for a Pedigree but Shawn tags himself in and DX bump heads because of Legacy shenanigans but they shrug that off and Shawn Superkicks Cody for the pin. Well on the one hand you made DX look like the Keystone Kops, but on the other hand you got to tease DX’s inevitable split with overly telegraphed miscommunications that seem so blatant that they might as well be on a Greatest Hits tape.

Jerry Lawler and Michael “Full Suit” Cole hype “Psych”.

Commercial.

We’re back and we re-live watching MVP getting knocked out by Big Show.

Speaking of which, here comes Porter. He got laid out like Snookie on “Jersey Shore” (see, that’s for the kids out there…I’m hip, I’m with it). Porter says that he has something to say to The Miz. MVP plays state the obvious by saying that Miz is the US Champion and MVP is the #1 Contender, but apparently Miz can’t run and hide. When Miz and MVP lock up, MVP will take his title because he’s straight-up ballin. Look MVP, I’m all for competition, but that kinda sounds like you’re going to steal his title, and you don’t need to be a lawyer to know that this might violate your parole.

Miz shows up to make fun of Porter’s use of “straight up ballin”, which is pretty good. Miz says that he doesn’t get how the people love MVP even though he was in jail. Kinda like how so many people voted for Sideshow Bob for mayor over Diamond Joe Quimby. That, folks, is a 15 year old “Simpsons” reference…fuck, we’re getting old.

MVP says that everyone hates Miz because he’s a jackass. Porter then makes jokes about Miz being raped in prison before suggesting that Miz and Big Show are a couple. This is cutting edge stuff. Oh, and he’s calling Miz Diane. Miz says that he has a friend that wants to make a statement. His friend is Big Show, and that statement is…uh…that Big Show went from WWE Champion a decade ago to being a pawn in the US Title feud.

Show goes for the knockout punch but MVP ducks it and gets some ineffective offense of his own. Show then takes over and we get Big offense. MVP finds a window and gets the running kick in the corner. MVP goes for another one and gets caught and Chokeslammed for the pin. Well that was thankfully quick.

Commercial.

Cody and Teddy are in the back and they are breathing very heavy. Seriously, that’s kinda awkward. They kiss and make up from last week but Randy Orton shows up to say that there’s been tension (which makes me regret saying they kissed and made up), but now they smooth things over and they lose. Randy says that he’s waited for Cena to lose the title and that Priceless needs to suck it up for the good of their shaved-headed leader. He leaves and they start with the heavy breathing.

John Cena and Dule Hill are in the back hyping “Psych”. Apparently the white guy didn’t show up for RAW because of an emergency appendectomy, so Dule Hill is calling the shots. Take it to them Charlie! This gets interrupted by The Miz, who gets outacted by Dule Hill. Hill says that he doesn’t wanna continue Miz’s ripped off SNL bit and leaves for a…

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes Maryse. We then see a big bald fat guy in the crowd say that she’s hot. Thanks Kyle Gass from Tenacious D.

Maryse grabs the mic and says that all the Divas are wasting their time before she gets interrupted by a pyro blast. Apparentyl Dule Hill is at the pyro booth and Maryse says that he’s a disrespectful loser. She then babbles in French but gets interrupted by Eve Torres, the only Spanish lady from Colorado.

The winner of this match makes it to the finals of the Tramp Stamp Tournament, which is akin to winning a Nobel Prize. Maryse and Eve exchange slaps before Eve throws a dropkick for two. Later on tonight Mr. McMahon will AGAIN address the Bret Hart situation, but first we get the thrill of these two going at it.

Eve hits a bodyslam before going for a moonsault. Maryse rolls out of the way and goes for the hair flip DDT but Eve blocks it and drops Maryse for two. Maryse then kicks Eve in the stomach and Maryse hits the DDT (called the French Kiss apparently) that looks like it killed Eve. Maryse then goes for her TV-PG girl on girl full body pin for the win.

Vince is walking in the back towards a…

Commercial.

Vince is here and he’s dressed like a California Raisin. Who the hell let him wear this on national television? McMahon says that if Undertaker were here tonight, he would call him a chicken to his face. Vince says that there isn’t one good reason to bring Bret Hart back to the WWE. He says that you buy low and sell high, and when he sold Bret to WCW, people forgot about him. Fair enough. Too bad Vince didn’t follow that logic when he signed Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner and Goldberg.

The fans chant “We Want Bret” so Vince says Bret will never appear in the WWE again. See, I know he’s just messing around and will bring Bret back, unlike TNA who won’t give their fans the six-sided ring they cheer for. Vince asks the fans why he should bring Bret back, and some rubes say that Vince is afraid of Bret. Wow, the fans in Columbus are…uh…homely looking. I can’t believe Vince actually went into the crowd to talk to those people without a bottle of hand sanitizer. McMahon says that he built an empire and that Bret is a part of the past. We want the wave of the future; kids like Triple H, Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker. I’m kidding, I’m kidding.

Vince gets interrupted by John Cena (though technically he got interrupted by Kevin Dunn, who pushed Cena’s music, but we’ll overlook that), who’s got something to say. Hopefully it’s about “Psych” premiering on Wednesday, because that hasn’t been hyped enough. Cena says that he’s pissed that Vince said that Bret is used up and needs to be thrown away and that Vince treated Piper like he meant nothing. Cena then makes fun of Vince’s jacket, which is my job, so back the fuck off. John says that the empire of Vince was built by guys like Bret and Piper, but that once they hit their expiration Vince tosses them away. Thankfully, he has a large enough trash receptacle called TNA to dump them.

Cena says that Bret deserves to face Bret face-to-face, and if he doesn’t do it, Vince will prove to the fans that everyone is a commodity to line Vince’s wallet. Well duh. John says that for Andre the Giant, Outback Jack and Bret Hart, he will find Vince on his 90th birthday and beat the shit out of him. You know what would really get him? Buy him out and drive him into the grave live Vince did to his own father.

McMahon says that he’ll invite Bret back next week and next week Vince will prove that he has the guts. Vince says that he’s putting Cena in action tonight against Sheamus. Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy. It’s not like he’s WWE Champion or anything.

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes The Miz. His surprise opponent tonight is Kofi Kingston, who has no shirt but gets to keep his pyro. Kofi starts off with some quick armdrags as Cole talks about how the Rumble is like the All-Star Game, only this actually counts.

Kofi and Miz show us why they can put on a spirited little match even when it’s just for shits and giggles, as Cole and Lawler are busy prattling on about the Rumble. Miz hits a nice neckbreaker for two but it gets interrupted by MVP’s music. Miz turns around like a complete moron who has clearly never seen a wrestling match and turns back around to eat Trouble in Paradise for the pin. MVP stands on the ramp in a shirt, tie and that stupid windsock on his head.

Dule Hill and Carl Ito go into the Production Truck. What the hell is Carl’s role on RAW anymore? Dule Hill literally pulls out the Vince Russo Match Generator and tonight Carlito will face…Kelly Kelly. Stop the pain.

Commercial.

Carl is in the ring in street clothes and here comes Kelly Kelly. If Carlito jobs here tonight, I think it’s time to call it quits. But wait…here comes Santino. Oh come on! This show had no Hornswoggle, why do we need this?

Santino is pimping the “best” of RAW 2009 and he promises that he’ll be in the Best of RAW 2010 by taking Kelly’s place. Santino then promises to win the Royal Rumble and main event Wrestlemania. He then gets jumped by Jack Swagger, who has saved this segment. Swagger then launches Santino over the top rope to show that he can do it. He then runs in a little circle before going outside and launching Santino into the ringpost. Jack then does pushups over the unconscious Santino, and as Marella fades to black, we fade to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Cole and Lawler pimp the Rumble. In the back Cena and Hill pimp “Psych” before we hear James Roday on the phone. Roday says that Sheamus is the lovechild of Carrot Top and Berzerker. Alicia Fox walks into the back and says that she heard that Dule Hill was a psychic. Dule hits on her and says that he’ll be ringside for the match.

Commercial.

Dule Hill is on commentary, Alicia Fox and Gail Kim are in the ring and I cannot wait for this match to be over. What? I’m tired.

Gail and Alicia roll around the ring for a bit as Dule pimps “Psych” ever more. Alicia throws Gail in the corner before hitting a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and I’m glad to see the Divas have learned new moves and can make these matches look better each week. Gail out of nowhere hits a scoopslam for two but Alicia gets a small package for two. Gail gets a jawbreaker with her foot for the pin, and Dule’s chances of nailing the black Diva are over. Fox confronts Dule and she smacks him in the face. I tell you what, Dule played that to a T.

Commercial.

Next week’s guest host is William Shatner, and if you haven’t seen his old RAW appearances where he was pimping TekWar, you need to do yourself a favor and look up those nuggets of greatness.

Sheamus is out first and he looks…uh…like he’s there. Cena comes out and he looks exactly the same as he did an hour earlier. Cena and Sheamus lock up and we get an over-extended collar-and-elbow tie-up.

Cena pulls out the running bulldog from the Five Moves of Mediocrity before Sheamus takes over. This is already the longest Sheamus match I think I’ve ever seen on free television.

Cena goes for the FU but Sheamus blocks it and kicks Cena for two. Lawler says that he’s never seen anyone counter the FU like that, which is a pretty blatant lie from The King (which says something for a guy who has had to fudge things in the past like payouts to wrestlers and ages of his partners to the cops). Cena powers out of a Sheamus rest-hold and he goes for the STFU but Sheamus launches Cena out of the ring. Sheamus launches Cena into the stairs and John is taking a nice nap on the floor. Cena makes it in dramatically at 9. Cena then starts up the Five Moves of Mediocrity, culminating in a “You Can’t See Me”. John goes for the FU but Sheamus turns it into a backbreaker for two. Sheamus gets a giggly look on his face, goes for the bicycle kick but Sheamus gets locked in the STFU in the ropes. Sheamus rolls to the outside, Cena follows and he eats a bicycle kick. We get the slow count by the ref but Randy Orton runs out of nowhere and hits the RKO on the Irish bottle of milk. How the hell hasn’t the WWE just thrown the rule book out and turned Orton into the 21st Century Anti-Hero?

Randy goes to DDT Cena for good measure but Cena FU’s Orton and the champion and the #1 Contender have been laid out by John Cena. Yes, but how does this help Triple H?

This has been for your consideration.