There’s been talk around the Pulse that we need a recapper for TNA iMPACT. As my contribution to this site this week, I look at ten thoughts that would make any TNA iMPACT recap better than the show itself.
1) Every segment involving Hogan must have the word “brother” used. Use it as many times as necessary.
2) Every Nasty Boys match must be treated as “the greatest match in the history of this sport”.
3) No one gets fired from TNA. They get sent to Connecticut to beat Chavo Guerrero up.
4) It’s not “stealing from the WWE”. It’s “taking what WWE did in the past and making it more innovative”.
5) Team 3D v. The Nasty Boys is a future Match of the Year Candidate. Say that as many times as needed until you the recapper believe your own hype.
6) For every AJ Styles promo, we take a moment of silence for what AJ Styles stood for in the past. Then we look forward to counting the number of wives Styles gets divorced to in the next 40 years.
7) The prospective TNA recapper will put the following quote after every stupid segment: “I wish Vince Russo was booking this crap. At least it was halfway entertaining.”
8) While iMPACT runs, we look upto the sky and we praise God that Bryan Danielson made the smart choice to sign with the WWE. Instead of jobbing to rejects like Orlando Jordan and Sean Morley…he gets to job to the likes of Santino Marella and Carlito.
9) Each time Mr. Anderson reaches for his trademark microphone, the recapper must put in something randomly funny about his past. For example, “As Mr. Anderson reaches for his microphone, he pulls a tendon.” or “As Mr. Anderson reaches for his microphone, Hulk Hogan mails a check to Vince McMahon for gimmick infringement.”
10) Finally, to make TNA iMPACT recaps more entertaining, the following ratings scale must be used.
A: Matches that go over five minutes (I was thinking ten, but this is iMPACT we’re talking about) length, that features no run ins or screwy finishes. Also used for matches involving the Beautiful People shaking their asses on the ring apron. The match can suck ass, but any entrance like that automatically gets an A.
B: Most X Division matches.
C: Matches that are good, but only because of one person doing the work for several people.
D: Trainwrecks, clusterf*cks, Orlando Jordan matches lasting longer than 30 seconds.
F: Nastyville never looked better.
FTS: Jenna Morasca v. Sharmell – for there isn’t anything worse than that.
Have a great week!
