Should there be American Idol auditions in Texas since their governor seems bent on having his state secede from America. What happens if they split in the middle of the season? Will the Texas contestants be disqualified? Or will their President Chuck Norris make a deal to have the show renamed American & Texas Idol?
Ryan points out Kelly Clarkson was found in one of their six Texas auditions. They repeat the footage of the kid that nailed Simon with a drink. If only all episodes featured a Simon dunking booth moment. The crowd outside the new Cowboy Stadium is 11,000 strong. They even book the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as welcome wagon. Ryan’s greeted outside the hotel by the cheerleaders. What a waste. Simon wants Clint Eastwood as the special judge. Doesn’t he know that Clint lives in Carmel, California? The first day’s guest judge is Neil Patrick Harris. Once he was doomed to be called Doogie Howser. Thanks to How I Met Your Mother, Neil is now Barney, TV’s legendary stud. He’s a comeback story in a town of disposable child stars.
Julie Kevelighan has returned from the first season. She was hideous back then. Simon is shown in flashback as a really fat guy. He could have been on Biggest Loser. How will Julie do the second time around after nine year? She has a messy hand drawn sign that encourages her to be a winner. She’s doing “Black Velvet.” She doesn’t stink as bad this time. Her improvement has moved her up to the level of forgettable. Neil has a beef with her sign since her last name was scrunched up. He didn’t like her vocally either. Simon hates her outfit, sign and singing. She does “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” over the repeated no chant of the judges. She switches to “Something to Talk About.” Security pulls her away as she bust outs another song. Nine years later, she’s kicked to the curb. But at least she won’t be in the worst audition clips.
They make is look like all the Cowboy Stadium folks are ushered into the hotel judges room. Why must Fox allow this lie to be aired? A couple girls run out of the room with golden tickets. No songs were sung so we haven’t a clue how good they are. Lloyd Thomas works at an airlines doing their mail. He shows off his two young daughters. He’s doing well, but he wants to be a star. He does “Overjoyed” by Stevie Wonder. Lloyd has a good vibe to his voice. He’s got the teddy bear charm. Neil wants him to be flashy. Simon calls it his favorite audition of the day. It’s early in the day. He gets four yes votes so his daughters will get to rejoice with daddy. He tastes the victory on his fingers like it’s cookie dough. Now there’s a disoriented montage of yes and no votes while Kara gets her hair touched off. Neil and Simon aren’t getting along. Neil won’t let Simon sleepwalk through the day.
Kimberly Carver does an original song which is usually a bad sign. It’s a jazzy song about her man catting around. It’s good on both levels. Simon doesn’t see anything current or interesting about her as a performer. Neil disagrees. Randy and Kara join with Neil. Simon hates her jazzy voice. Simon is the only no. She’s going through against the t-shirt’s opposition. He calls her “jazz TV.” Remember Simon had the hots for the horrible jazzy singer? Kimberly didn’t have enough tattoos and exposed leg for his taste.
Dexter Ward wants to be the next American Idol or winner of the Billy Dee Williams mustache contest. Neil takes over the table asking Dexter his name and song. Dexter sounds like a broken vibrating bed. He’s not as fabulous on the inside. Randy thinks his voice hurt. He gets the big No. Simon swears his smile will take him far in life. The guy is full of tears. Now we get a montage of losers crying on the way out of the judging room. It’s a mix of the real final auditions with a few stadium round losers. The judges take a break. Ryan corners Neil in the dressing room area. Neil mentions people getting “reamed out.” Ryan looks excited.
Erica Rhodes was on Barney and Friends. She has grown up from her clips. She arrives in leather with a whip. Neil swears he recognized her from the show. She does the Barney song. It sounds rather sexy with her. Her heels must be five inches. She should consider auditioning for the next musical episode of HBO’s Cathouse. She’s doing “Free Your Mind” from En Vogue. She uses the whipcracks as emphasis on the beat. Shouldn’t that count as using a musical instrument which is forbidden in audition rounds? It sounds good, but it is a song sung as a group vocal. Simon asks what the big dream is? His might have something to do with a ball gag and him begging to clean up her hotel room. She gets all four yes votes. No need to crack the whip on Neil.
More montages of voiceless winners. Most of them are women. Dave Pittman has Tourette’s syndrome. He explains his ticks. He isn’t affected when he sings. He does “Bring It On Home to Me.” He has a more country voice than soul. Neil likes his voice and asks if he has Tourette’s. Doogie Howser nails it. Dave gets through to Hollywood. A total of 14 people got picked on day one in Dallas. They get to go nuts with their gold pieces of paper to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA.” That song isn’t as fun without a teenage girl working a stripper pole at a kid award show.
Day 2 has the arrival of Joe Jonas as the new guest judge. What good is a single Jonas? It’s like a visit from Jimmy Osmond. Neil was good. Why did they need to swap him out? Joe does need to do something now that Nick Jonas is pimping his solo career. Ryan calls the guy a heartthrob. Joe is from Dallas so it’s not that much of trip for him. They joke about Randy being the 4th Jonas brother. If he declared himself the 6th Jackson, Jermaine and Joe Jackson would be calling him up for money. The audition room is cold enough for Simon to put on a sweater.
Trodrick Hall appeared in Color Purple with Fantasia on Broadway. He sings an original song that is about showing up at the audition and begging to go to Hollywood. It works well. Trodick notices that Simon is the only one who isn’t clapping. Joe sees star power. Simon thinks it was cute, but not a memorable voice. He does give a yes after the other three. The guy does a head over heels flip. We get another montage of people not singing getting sent to Hollywood. A few get notes, but no backstory. Maegan Wright talks of her parents divorce and her life with her younger brother. She does a country sounding tune that needs a string section. When she goes for a few weepy notes, Simon cuts her off. Kara thinks she has a great voice. Simon likes what she’s wearing since it’s a tanktop and shorts. You want to be on American Idol, dress as a Hooters waitress. She’s given the big Yes. The little brother is happy.
Ryan goofs around with the camera and pushes around a cart full of food. He hangs with the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Wonder if he got some phone numbers or just exchanged hair care tips? Vanessa Johnston looks like a happy aerobics instructor in hot pink. She assaults “At Last.” She mangles and stretches each note like a pro wrestler in a cage match. Does she vocally castrate bulls as a part time gig? Ryan calls her singing his nightmare. It’s what keeps him up at night. She’s peppy when she gets 4 no votes. She likes that Simon is dreaming about her. Now there’s a montage of Simon telling people off over the seasons. It’s pretty obvious that Simon has lost weight and had a little work done on his face. He might have had some forehand hair implants. They also mock Simon’s fortune.
The last contestant of the Dallas audition is Christian Spear. She had cancer as a small child. We meet her supportive mom. When she was 8, the cancer went into remission. She does a plaintive “All I Can Do Is Cry.” Randy thinks she’s really good. Kara didn’t sense fear from her. Simon calls her brave. She also has a really short skirt. She’s going through. The relatives are happy.
Dallas on day 2 gets 17 winners. That means 31 tickets for the visit. Next week they go to Denver to see if the Mile High City can raise the voices. They tease us with a naked contestant. Really? Joe Jonas was a complete bust on the judges table. He was beyond boring. Neil Patrick Harris was legendary. Neil ought to take Simon’s slot.
