John Denver wasn’t from Denver. His real last name was Deutschendorf. He sang “Rocky Mountain High,” but he was born in Roswell, New Mexico. That’s where they swear aliens crashed their UFO. Perhaps John Denver was an alien who was called up to the mothership when his plane crashed back in 1997? It should be pointed out that after “Rocky Mountain High” became a hit, Denver smartly bought a house in the Denver area so he seemed connected to his namesake. Will the American Idol audition in Denver find the children of Deutschendorf or merely aliens?
Ryan talks about how Daughtry auditioned in Denver during season five. Although he’s really from North Carolina so he wasn’t a home boy of John Elway. The crowd is packed into the new version of Mile High Stadium. Months later the judges arrive at a nice hotel. Victoria Beckham is back as the guest judge. Why is Posh Spice a repeat? Couldn’t they find a single other music personality for the fourth seat? This must have been done when Simon Fuller teased us with Posh being the new Paula. However it’s easy to see that she’s not quite needed on the panel. Randy likes her and jokes about being a darker David Beckham. Posh Spice looks like she could have been an alien from Roswell.
The chubby Mark Labriola admits he gets compared to Jack Black. He’s got a cheesy soul patch and unshaven beard. He confesses to Simon he likes cheese. He does bring up a traumatic life as a child on the run when his mother kidnapped her from the father. This turns freaky. He does a gospel inflected version of Squeeze’s “Tempted.” Posh thought he was going to be a joke contestant. Mark’s taken serious and gets four yes votes. He’s back on the run and heading to Hollywood with his son. He gets tearful since this was his last shot at 28.
They’re already killing time by having Ryan talk about the nerves of the contestants. What they do to calm down is annoying. We get to see plenty of old contestants. Mario Galvan has a nervous laugh. He’s already irritating the judges. Simon mocks his laugh. He does “Jailhouse Rock” in a breakout booming voice. Simon goes no. He keeps doing his nervous laugh and Simon joins in.
They show off the great outdoors of Denver. Here’s a montage of people leaving the stadium furious at getting rejected so fast. They never saw Simon. Just a pack of unknowns who act as gatekeepers. They’re attacking the cameramen. There’s people hitting the lens like little Sean Penns. But now we getting a little girl raving about her mommy being the next American Idol. Remember to bring a kid as a prop. Kimberly Kerbow gives a song that deal with buying her man Rogaine if he needed hair. It breaks down in laughter, Simon asks why she’s a single mom? That’s good and rude. Randy votes yes. The other three give her the thumbs up. Simon thinks she’s going to be trouble. There’s a montage of golden tickets without a single note sung. Danielle Hayes hosts a live karaoke. She also has a three year old son. Is this American Daycare Idol? I’m dragging my kid down to auditions. She cries in front of the judges. They talk about how hard it is to get this far. How many years did Taylor Swift pay in dues? Danielle belts a Melissa Etheridge song. She’s loud, but not blunt. Simon thinks she may have shown up at the right time to be saved from corporate hell. American Idol isn’t part of corporate hell? Luckily she gets the golden ticket. Three kids – three golden tickets.
A montage of bad fashions and halloween costumes is greeted with not a single note besides Bowie’s “Fashion.” We learns about Casey James had a major motorcycle wreck. He shows off his scars. They didn’t think he could play the guitar again. That’s interesting, but can he sing? He’s got a Texan vibe to his voice. Nothing that great. Simon thinks it’s a bad audition. Kara thinks he is good. Posh wants his hair down. She thinks he’s a great look. Kara asks him to take off his shirt. Kara compares him to Bikini Girl. Kara and Posh beg Randy to go from him. Randy gives in. He wants to be proven wrong. “Take some star persona pills,” Randy says. If Casey overdoses, he can go on Celebrity Rehab to extend his reality career.
Tori Kelly shows up with a bunch of little kids. None are her children since she’s only 16. Tory’s little friend gives the judges portraits done in magic marker. What a suck up moment. Randy’s picture looks like Fat Albert under glass. Tori finally sings. It’s kinda Carrie Underwood in tone. Kara really likes her. The little girl sits on Posh’s lap. Can you guess the outcome there? Simon swears her voice is almost annoying. Posh loves her look. Simon calls her a “human orange.” She’s through even with Simon voting no. Day one had 15 winners although of the ones we heard sing, none of them are on the short list for stardom.
The joy of writing on the internet is quickly finding answers. The song that plays on the Dear John trailer turns out to not be a Kate Bush number. It’s Snow Patrol’s “Set the Fire To The Third Bar” with Martha Wainwright.
We’re supposed to believe the people are still in the stadium for Day 2. Austin Paul is the long snapper for the University of Colorado. He only comes out for special team plays. Bill Parcells thinks he’s lazy. He sounds way too Broadway with a forceful voice. Kara didn’t like him grabbing his pecs. Simon thinks he could be very annoying. Posh sees him as arrogant. The folks are giving him the No votes. Austin pleads that they could market him. Kara mocks his walk out of the room. She’s mean. Kenny Everettt swears he’s the world’s best singer. He’s the male Mary J. Blige. He strangles a few notes like a victim in The Godfather. He came all the way from Durham, North Carolina to gag. Simon thinks it sounds like he was being punched. It’s all no votes for Kenny. He refuses to accept their verdict. He does “No More Drama.” Simon gives the hint that security will be coming out. Posh likes the choice of the plead song. Kenny sings through the hotel lobby. The bellboys must suffer.
Ryan mentions the air being thin in the mile high city. The talent has also gotten worse. There’s a lot of painful squeakers. How many bad singers do they have to invite back for the judges to get enough for these stinker montages? Simon mentions wanting to bring Paula back to the show. Ryan lies saying there were still thousand outside the Day 2 auditions. Really? There might be a few dozen in the lobby waiting room. Nicci Nix flew 14 hours from Florence, Italy to make the audition. She’s not even American. Why isn’t she doing one of the shows in Europe? She does a Girls Aloud song. She has a cheesy europop voice. How rich are here parents that they bought her two plane tickets to Denver? She gets four yes votes. What? This is an outrage. She’s taking away an Idol slot from a dreamer kid that lives in America. She didn’t even show up with a baby to sacrifice to Simon’s t-shirt.
Next Tuesday is when Ellen finally joins them at the judges table. Expect to see fireworks since Simon showed up late their first day and Ellen didn’t like being kept waiting. What does Simon care? He’s on senior skip year.
A montage of losers is cut with Haeley Vaughn. She was a two pound baby at birth. Her dad died when she was small. Is she also auditioning for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? She wants to be a black pop-country singing. She’s got that country twang. The judges let her sing quite a while. They mention the black country singer rarity. Nobody is going to name drop Charlie Pride? Doesn’t Hootie minus the Blowfish count as a black country-pop singer? She brings out her sister and mom. The sister is not old, but that doesn’t ruin the streak of guests in the judges room. She’s welcomed to Hollywood. Only 11 people made it through for day 2. That’s 26 total winners in Denver. But there’s one last contestant. In a tribute to Bikini Girl, we get Bikini Boy. The judges get up and leave the room. This is so wrong since the nation already has Mankini on E!’s The Soup. Only one more audition before it’s time to watch dreams get smashed in Hollywood.
