Before we kick things off, big thanks to Widro for showing me how it’s truly done as he stepped back into play-by-play mode and covered RAW for me last week. Now if anyone can convince him that he can do it…that he can sit through WCW 2.0 every Thursday without wishing death on someone, things should be looking better as we progress through 2010. However, I wasn’t quiet all week. I talked about how anything involving the Nasty Boys should be considered “the greatest match in the history of this sport”. I was all over last night doing live Royal Rumble coverage.
Tonight, William Shatner is your guest host of Monday Night RAW and I’ll be here throughout the night with the latest results. Supposedly Bret Hart is going to be on the show tonight. Expect that huge 4.0 rating that the WWE was supposed to get on January 4th. What else? Shawn Michaels will complain about not being able to face the Undertaker and Triple H will complain about getting kicked out of the ring. TENSION! Randy Orton will ask for a rematch and Legacy will take him out. The Diva’s Title will be decided tonight. And Chris Masters’ boobs will probably be there. Need I say any more?
In memory of Jack Brisco.
Let’s get this party started! TIME…TO…GET…RAW!
We open up tonight’s show with the 2010 Rumble Winner, Edge! HE’S BACK! He’s not just back in a WWE ring, but he’s back in the main event of Wrestlemania. We go back six months ago where he got injured. Edge watched Chris Jericho thanking him for getting injured so he can team with Big Show. Because of that, he made a promise that he wouldn’t miss a third Wrestlemania due to injury. Oooh, Edge makes light of Chris Jericho’s mugshot on TMZ. HA! He goes over his options as to who he could face at Wrestlemania. Unlike Shawn Michaels, if Edge wants the Deadman, he can have him. Another option would be to go after the man who never competed at Wrestlemania. He’ll either make his mind up tonight or after the Elimination Chamber. Wait, what about Christian?
He’s interrupted by the WWE Champion, Sheamus. He mouths at Edge saying a lot has changed since he’s been gone. Edge responds that RAW was taken over by an evil Ronald McDonald. The things Edge sees is not reality. Sheamus makes a promise that he’ll leave the Elimination Chamber the WWE Champion. He thinks that he can beat Cena and Orton easily, he wouldn’t break a sweat beating Edge. He makes a threat and Edge gets taken down by Sheamus. Sheamus measures Edge for the bicycle kick and Edge moves. Edge takes Sheamus down and he spears him back into reality.
We get footage on the Elimination Chamber.
We will find out the five opponents that Sheamus has to face…TONIGHT!
Commercials.
Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: John Cena v. Cody Rhodes
Cody tees off on Cena from the get-go. Michael Cole utters the dumbest line of the night saying that Sheamus is already in the Elimination Chamber match. It’s because he’s the WWE Champion, ya goof! Side Russian Leg Sweep gets two for Rhodes. Cody keeps the pressure up by dropping the knee for another kickout. Another knee drop misses and HERE COMES CENA! Shoulderblocks, Protobomb is countered the first time, but Cena hits it the second time. Five Knuckle Shuffle connects, but Rhodes battles out of the Attitude Adjustment. Lariat connects as does a front face slam for a two count. Rhodes goes to the top and he hits the moonsault. Lawler is another goof for confusing Rhodes as Orton. WHERE ARE MATT STRIKER AND JIM ROSS WHEN YOU NEED THEM? Cena catches Rhodes with the Attitude Adjustment and he’s in.
Winner: John Cena
Grade: D
We recap the Montreal Screwjob.
Mr. McMahon is walking and Josh Matthews asks if he seen Hart and he responds that he doubts that no one will see Bret Hart tonight. He walks into his office and he acts shocked. He degrades Canadians in general and it’s our guest host, William Shatner. He can’t wait for Bret Hart to embarrass him later tonight.
Commercials.
Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Jack Swagger v. Triple H
Jack Swagger just crapped his pants. The bell rings and Swagger does the best he can with his mat-based ability. Swagger does a few pushups and Trips cold cocks him in the face. High knee connects and Trips sends Swagger out of the ring and we go to break.
Commercials.
We’re back and Swagger catches Trips with a DDT and Michael Cole repeats the fact that Sheamus is IN the Chamber. WE KNOW DUMBASS! Swagger gets two off a leg drop. Swagger gets a hammerlock, I think. That had to be a botch. Trips knocks Swagger out of the ring and he goes in pursuit. Swagger holds his own as he plants Trips with a powerslam for two. Headlock applied and Trips fights for leverage. Swagger cold cocks Trips back on the canvas. Corner splash lands on the knees and Trips looks more hurt than Swagger. Whip to the ropes…Swagger gets jaw jacked and here comes the Game. Swagger runs into a spinebuster and that gets a close two count. Pedigree attempt is countered into a backdrop! Corner splash connects…TWO COUNT ONLY! Belly to Belly gets another two and Swagger charges in the corner. He picks Trips up and points the Wrestlemania sign only for Trips to Pedigree his ass to the mat for the win.
Winner: Triple H
Grade: B-
Randy Orton takes on Shawn Michaels…NEXT!
Commercials.
We’re back and William Shatner speaks some lyrics to some of the WWE stars’ theme music. Oh God…this is awesome. It seems that it will be released on CD soon!
Trips wants to talk to Shawn and Hornswoggle speaks midget-ese. He asks what was up from last night. He wants Shawn to lighten up, but Shawn is upset. He says that Shawn needs to get his act together and he wants to tear the house down with him. Shawn leaves.
Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels
NEXT!
Commercials.
WWE Rewind: Orton loses against Sheamus via DQ as Cody Rhodes interferes.
Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Randy Orton v. Shawn Michaels
The bell rings and they lock up. Orton charges in the corner and we get a clean break. They lock up again and Orton teases going back to being a heel. He fires a shot and Shawn ducks. Michaels hits the neckbreaker and Orton evades Sweet Chin Music. Shawn gives chase and Orton catches Shawn at the ropes. Shawn evades the DDT and Shawn goes to the top rope. Cross body connects and Orton kicks out at two. Pillar to post we go and Shawn oversells the reversal. 3.0 backbreaker connects and Orton goes for the Garvin Stomp. Orton tees off on Shawn and he does it again, but Shawn fires a slap back. Dropkick connects for a two count. Headlock applied and Shawn fights for leverage. Orton sets Michaels up on top and delivers an uppercut. He goes to the 2nd rope and he has trouble with Shawn. Shawn fights back, but to no avail. Orton attempts a superplex again and Shawn gets him off. Elbow connects! Shawn tunes the band up…Sweet Chin Music is blocked…RKO…Countered! Atomic Drops galore by Shawn! Orton goes down…KIP UP COUNTERED BY ORTON! Rollup gets it!
Winner: Randy Orton
Grade: B-
Shawn is pissed off and he takes off the DX green. He walks up the ramp discouraged.
We recap the Montreal Screwjob again.
Commercials.
We’re back and we talk about Shawn’s “dire straits”. Backstage, Orton walks backstage and Ted kisses ass to Orton and Orton give him the “I don’t care” stare.
Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Mark Henry v. Ted DiBiase
The bell sounds and we get a lockup. That ends just as you expect and Ted rethinks strategy by going for a headlock. He runs and he meets up with Henry’s massive arms. Ted gets tossed from the ring and Henry comes for the attack. Ted finds an opening with slamming the arm against the ring post. Ted drop toe holds Henry to the steel steps and Henry gets inside the ring at eight. Ted continues the attack and Henry kicks out at two. Ted works the arm again. Charging from the corner, Ted eats a clothesline. Ted slows Henry down and he flies off the top…caught by Henry. DiBiase is able to snap the arm off the ropes and DiBiase hits a single-arm DDT for the win!
Winner: Ted DiBiase
Grade: D
Big Show v. Kofi Kingston is your final qualifying match tonight!
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler sends us to a tribute to Jack Brisco.
Commercials.
Backstage, Gail Kim talks with Kelly Kelly and Maryse is looking forward to facing her for the title. She leaves and they say that it is weird.
Meanwhile, MizShow discusses things in their posh locker room and in comes the Straight Edge Society. They bicker and IN COMES THE RAW MATCH NEGOTIATOR! So, William asks why they deserve a title shot. So, William makes a deal. Triple Threat next week for the Unified Tag Team Titles! We get a priceline commercial and William goes into freeze frame mode.
While that is going on, Triple H tells Shawn to move on. It’s not the end of the world for Shawn. There are more guys for him to face, but they aren’t for Shawn.
Don’t tell me that Gail Kim v. Maryse is main eventing. You got to be kidding me!
Kofi v. Big Show is next!
Commercials.
Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Kofi Kingston v. Big Show
Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Kofi Kingston v. Big Show
The match needed some Miz on color commentary. The match begins and Show takes it to Kingston in the early going. Miz says they are going to run RAW. HAHA! Kingston catches Big Show in the ropes and Big Show gets kicked off the apron. Break time.
Commercials.
We are back and Big Show is controlling Kofi’s frenzy. During the break, Big Show spears Kofi out of his boots. Forget Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. Put Miz and Matt Striker on commentary! Kofi gets sent out of the ring and the Miz gets a closer look. He taunts the Miz and MVP comes through the crowd and he beats the holy hell out of Miz to the backstage area. Kofi catches Big Show off guard on the ropes. He climbs up, loses his balance, and still botches the dropkick. He makes up for it and takes Big Show down. Boom Drop connects and Kofi covers…TWO COUNT ONLY! Kofi inadvertanly pokes Big Show in the eyes and he KTFO the referee! He calls out another referee and the referee calls the bell for the DQ. Big Show complains that Kofi poked him in the eye and he did it accidentally. Lame finish.
Winner via DQ: Kofi Kingston
Grade: D
We recap Bret Hart’s return last month.
Looks like the advertised Maryse v. Gail Kim match for tonight won’t be happening. That could very well be a good thing given the the flop of the tournament in terms of quality.
Commercials.
Carl Edwards is your guest host next week on RAW! DX v. The Straightedge Society v. Big Show & The Miz!
Jerry Lawler introduces us to his BFF, William Shatner – who is accompanied by the Bella Twins. Shatner trips over the ropes and takes out Jerry Lawler in a HAHA moment. He had the best time being the guest host for RAW. He brings out Bret Hart. He looked uninterested walking down the ramp. He has the microphone and he says that he came here for all the right reasons. 12 years is a long time to come back to make peace. He was called crazy and he admits being naive. He’s not here to make peace or closure…he wants Vince McMahon face…to…face. Vince finally answers the call of duty and he dances his way on the stage. He’s no Shane O’Mac. He steps in the ring and he has a few things to get off his chest. He never regretted anything he did to Bret. Bret calls Vince the best at lying. Bret Hart said that Cena called McMahon pathetic last week and Bret knows all about pathetic. He said that he was pathetic eight years ago and he vowed to never be pathetic again. Bret takes offense to what Vince did last month. Bret talks about wrestling for Vince…working injured…sick. Bret wants to kick Vince’s ass right here right now, but we know that isn’t happening. Vince wants to be honest and he says his name a few times. He then finishes by saying “What a crock!” and “Canadian Hero”. Vince isn’t finished and he verbally talks crap about Bret Hart. He has no clue what the fans see in Bret. He says that Bret had zero personality and if it wasn’t for Shawn. Steve, or Curt…Bret would be a footnote. Vince then makes fun of Bret more and he says that Bret deserved to be screwed. And Vince has second thoughts and Stu Hart won’t be inducted in this year’s Hall of Fame because he doesn’t deserve it. Bret is unglued and HE BEATS THE HELL OUT OF VINCE! SHARPSHOOTER…
BUT WAIT! Batista is here and he beats down on Bret Hart! The fans chant for Cena and Batista holds Bret Hart up and Vince spits in Bret’s face.
Show over.
The Final Pulse
This week, RAW scored a C+. I added some extra credit because William Shatner was very interesting and the show gave us our main event at WWE Elimination Chamber. The segment with Bret Hart and Vince was pure gold and we’re still guessing what will go down at Wrestlemania 26. It was pretty decent tonight and next week will show us what direction we go in filling up the rest of the Elimination Chamber card.
Enjoy the week!
