Thank you to Ricardo Rochetti for covering me last week. I never had a chance to spend Valentine’s Day with a loved one, and I had the time of my life last week. Hats off to Widro for commanding the TNA fort for Against All Odds eight days ago and PK is back with WWE Elimination Chamber from last night. I gotta say…last night had something wrong with it. Bait and switches, impromptu matches, moves that made no sense, and the like. The road to WrestleMania 26 is confusing and hopefully tonight’s RAW will clear things up.
Be back in a few.
I coined this phrase…so let’s use it.
Last night, John Cena reclaimed the WWE Championship, but Batista cashed in Money in the Bank…wait, he didn’t have Money in the Bank? He cashed in his soul instead? That’s better. Anyhow, Batista is your new WWE Champion! And the IWC says…. WTF?
We are live from Colt Country! Shawn Michaels will be here tonight, but will the Undertaker be here as well?
Oh…My…God… There is a mechnical bull in the arena. That’s tribute to our guest host Ty Murray and his co-host Jewel.
What better way to welcome us to RAW than our World Champion on loan from SmackDown, Chris Jericho! Jericho is dressed up and his smile is still intact from last night. HE’S GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! He did promise us that he wouldn’t return to RAW again, despite being a valuable commodity. He changed his mind after beating five people last night and after beating the Undertaker twice. He is our World Heavyweight Champion!
YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME?
Edge sneaks in from behind and he delivers a HUGE SPEAR to Chris Jericho and Edge is going to face Chris Jericho at WrestleMania!
We talk at the commentary table and John Cena makes an unscheduled appearance! The cameras stay rolling and he asks to be added to the list of superstars Vince McMahon screwed.
Let’s see. Bret Hart, Trish Stratus, Stephanie McMahon, Linda McMahon, John Cena. There we go.
If that’s how Vince wants to do business, then Cena can play that game too. He’s entitled to a rematch and he wants it RIGHT NOW! This brings out Vince McMahon. Vince takes credit for organizing a business decision with Batista. He promised a title shot to Batista and he took advantage. Vince told Cena that he brought this on all himself. Cena doesn’t care, he wants his title back. Sadly, Vince won’t allow Batista to defend the title until Wrestlemania. Not only that, but Sheamus also has a rematch opportunity. Vince wants to make a business deal with Cena. If Cena wins his match tonight, he goes to WrestleMania. If he loses, then Sheamus gets the shot. Cena is all in and he wants his opponent named. His opponent…BATISTA.
Wait…they’re giving away Wrestlemania for free tonight? VINCE HATES MONEY!
We’re back and FINALLY, we’re getting this match.
Diva’s Championship Match: Maryse v. Gail Kim
The bell rings and Maryse gets a couple shots in. Gail rolls her up for two and we get a corner exchange. Clothesline connects for Gail and she gets a two count. Uppercut connects and Maryse goes pillar to post. Maryse no-sells the heat seeking missile and she introduces Gail’s head to the turnbuckle. Maryse off the ropes and she scores two. DDT countered to a bridge cover for a two count. Gail misses a cross body and Maryse seems stunned from hitting the turnbuckle. Awkward spot. Gail sneaks a pin attempt and gets two. They clash into each other and Gail gets hung off the ropes. French Kiss gets the three.
I want those two minutes of my life back, please. Could be worse, we could have seen this match last night at a cost of $45.
That bull…is scaring me. We got DIVA BULLRIDING TONIGHT!
The Bellas are flirting with Ty Murray and Eve & Kelly are flirting with Jewel, who hurt her ankle. Here comes Jillian Hall and Alicia Fox, who proceeds to make everyone go deaf. She hands a crutch to Eve and she proceeds to pull a Sharon Osbourne and bitch slap Jillian Hall.
Meanwhile, Cody Rhodes kisses up to Randy Orton saying that he intended for Randy to use the pipe and he knew that Ted went to town for himself. Randy is fine with it and he BLAMES HIMSELF. He tought Ted and Cody way too well and he asked for a six man tag to prove to the world that Legacy is on the same page. He wants Cody to tell Ted that he’s sorry. Ted comes in and Cody says that it went a little bit too well. Ted asks if he’s sticking to the plan…Absolutely.
Yoshi Tatsu, Evan Bourne, & Kofi Kingston v. Randy Orton & The Legacy
Triple H and Sheamus are out with injuries coming from the Elimination Chamber, but Kofi Kingston is here and in a control frenzy! DiBiase and Tatsu start things off and Tatsu scores some kicks and takes DiBiase off guard with a couple arm drags. Tag to Evan Bourne and he scores a baseball slide for two. DiBiase counters a suplex attempt with one of his own and he tags in Cody Rhodes. Bourne comes back with some kicks and he gets a schoolboy for a one count. Rhodes goes pillar to post and he nearly decapitates Bourne. DDT blocked and Bourne goes for Air Bourne, countered to the ALABAMA SLAM! Cover gets two and we go to break.
We’re back and DiBiase has Bourne down for a two count. Bourne tries a comeback and he scores with the knees to the throat! Tag to Kofi and DiBiase gets caught. CONTROL FRENZY! Boom Drop cut off by Orton and DiBiase tags in Orton. Scoop slam connects and again and again. Kofi tries to fight back, but Orton is ready. Knee drop connects and he applies a choke as Legacy wants a tag. Kingston breaks free and Orton drops him with the 3.0 backbreaker. Cody tags himself in and Orton PLANTS RHODES! DiBiase turns Orton around and asks if he lost his mind. Orton hits the RKO on DiBiase on the outside of the ring. Tatsu gets the tag as Orton walks out. Tatsu scores some kicks and he tags in Bourne who hits Air Bourne for the win.
Winners: Kofi Kingston, Yoshi Tatsu, & Evan Bourne
We recap the Slammy Awards where Shawn makes a bold challenge to the Undertaker at WrestleMania 26 followed by the whole saga where Shawn goes crazy wanting the Undertaker in a bad way.
Here comes Shawn Michaels wearing no hint of green so this has to be the new evil Shawn that everyone was talking about. He’s not going to take a lot of time tonight as his actions from last night isn’t that complicated. He understands that he did something unpopular with the WWE Universe. He says that the Undertaker might be here and he is counting on a reaction from him.
THE UNDERTAKER’S GONG GOES OFF!
Notice how the flames didn’t go off until he was safely away? Interesting. He says that Shawn now has his attention. Shawn explains that last year was the greatest match ever on some accounts. He made one mistake and it cost him the chance for greatness. Undertaker left him no other choice and Shawn knows that he is angry at him. He says that he should face him at WrestleMania if he wanted his revenge. Undertaker accepts…but on one condition. This year, Shawn has to put something up as well. If Shawn beats him, he ends the streak. If Undertaker beats him, the boyhood dream of Shawn Michaels is over! Streak v. Career! Shawn accepts the stipulation!
WWE Rewind: CM Punk wins Money in the Bank twice in a row last year.
Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Christian v. Carlito
Christian decks Carlito to start, but Carlito drops Christian on the apron and he assumes control. Christian comes back with a face jab, but Carlito slows down a charge. Carlito finds himself at the ropes and Christian bitchslaps him on the apron. Off the ropes, Christian connects with a dropkick and he keeps on the pressure. Flying headbutt misses, but Christian hits the implant DDT for two. Killswitch is blocked and Carlito sends Christian in the corner. On the ropes…CARLITO SWEEPS THE LEG! Roll of the Dice connects for a two count! Carlito is looking good tonight. Christian counters the backbstabber, but Carlito counters…Killswitch again, COUNTERED AGAIN…Carlito sent to the ring post. Killswitch connects this time and Christian is going to WrestleMania!
That bull is driving me nuts and that segment is NEXT!
We’re back and it’s time to bring out our guest hosts.
Diva Bullriding Championship
Eve Torres is our first participant and she lasts the entire eight seconds.
Kelly Kelly is next and she lasts eight seconds as well.
The Bella Twins are up and they are going to ride double! They last the entire time too. That bull SUCKS!
The fun ends with ShowMiz making their way to the ring. Miz asks if RAW will be devolved to a Yodeling competition and Jewel owns him on that. Big Show calls the Bull out and we get a challenge for Big Show to ride the bull. So it seems the bull is getting tweaked a bit. Big Show has trouble mounting the bull and he goes down in two seconds. Big Show sees the bull taunting him and he is PISSED OFF. Show knocks the Bull out and falls on his ass. Jewel calls it stuffed animal cruelty and Miz calls this segment as useless as the Colts. They go to leave, but Ty Murray books an Unified Tag Title match and Jewel announces their opponents as MVP and Mark Henry. That match is NEXT!
By the way…
Winners: The Divas; Loser: Big Show
Grade: Waste Of Time
Unified Tag Team Championship: ShowMiz v. MVP & Mark Henry
Here’s our Daniel Bryan sighting!
Miz and MVP start things off and MVP takes it to him in the opening exchange. Miz quickly tags in Big Show and MVP wastes no time taking it to the Big Show. Knee jab connects and MVP charges into a huge spear! Big Show exposes the chest and chops MVP. Leg drop connects and Miz tags in. He takes it to MVP a bit until MVP catches him with a kick. Both men are down and we get the big men in. Henry takes it to Big Show sending him to the corner. Corner splash connects and Henry is hurt. MVP and Miz try to get involved, but Henry catches the Miz and hits the World’s Strongest Slam. That proves to be fatal as Big Show hits the KO punch for the win.
There is a Bret Hart update…NEXT!
Hall of Fame Class of 2010: Wendi Richter
We have an update on Bret Hart. Broken leg and torn ligiments. Hmmm… We recap what happened last week.
Just for the record, Vince was considering wrestling him at WrestleMania. He states that he had nothing to do with the accident. Vince is inviting Bret back next week and will provide the moment for a proper farewell.
Cena’s in the main event…NEXT!
Supposedly, Bret Hart will take Vince up on the offer next week. Cheech & Chong are in charge next week and the main event is Randy Orton v. Ted DiBiase!
WrestleMania Opportunity: John Cena v. Batista
In a twist, Batista’s entrance is all black with no red. He takes his time getting down the ramp and Michael Cole irritates me. The bell rings and Cena charges only for Batista to play some more mind games. Batista kicks him in the balls and is promptly disqualified.
Winner: John Cena
Batista sets Cena up for the punt kick of doom and he connects. He proceeds to beat the holy hell out of him before leaving the ring. Cena starts to stir and Batista returns to send him into the ring post. He follows that with sending Cena into the retaining wall. The stairs come apart and Batista rams Cena’s back into the ring post. He finally leaves as medics come down to check on Cena. Cena tries once again to get up and this pisses Batista off. He walks around to grab a steel chair and he uses it on Cena’s back. Another shot connects and Cena tries to get his superman strength. Batista keeps wailing on Cena and he still won’t stay down. Another shot keeps him down. Batista celebrates as we end our broadcast.
The Final Pulse
I’ll ignore the FTS grades this once and give the show a C. Although the Diva’s Title match was bordering on the levels of Sharmell v. Morasca, I can live with the fact that the tournament is over. The main event was a non-match and I hated the fact that Sheamus got screwed out of his rematch because of the DQ, but it leaves him open to face Triple H at the event. The guest hosts were a non-factor except for a stupid segment…but I will say this, anything is better than last week’s torture with Springer. Have a great week.
Tags: batista, Bret Hart, Elimination Chamber, hbk, monday night raw, NXT, Raw, RAW Recap, RAW Results, real-time reports, shawn michaels, undertaker, vince mcmahon, WrestleMania 26, WWE, WWE Monday Night Raw, wwe nxt, WWE RAW