I’m SO not right for this. Now granted my first ever writing job online was many, many years ago when I did Survivor related articles for some hack reality site that thinks it’s the be-all, end-all of reality stuff. Psssh, some reality site. They don’t even tell you who the winner of Survivor is this season (it’s Sandra) or the Amazing Race (it’s the Lesbians).
Yep, I spoil without warning now.
Okay, so I’m Charlie Reneke of Way Too Long Review fame and this is Pulse Wrestling’s NXT Report. This is NOT just a straight-laced recap of the events of episode one of NXT. If you want that, look elsewhere. That said, this is NOT a Way Too Long Review either. In fact, the only thing I will be reviewing is each rookie’s performance, after which I’ll rate them on my average star scale, with three-stars being a passing grade. I have practically NO experience watching any of the rookies, with the obvious exception of Daniel Bryan. And I won’t fault the rookies for the mistakes of the veterans. Okay, let’s hit it.
-We start with a shot of all the NXT rookies standing around, of which by far the most boring looking is Daniel Bryan, who just stands there with a look on his face like “I can’t believe TNA got so bad that I’m forced to slum it here.” The Miz shows up with a look on his face like “I can’t believe they paired me with Chris Benoit 2.0. If he walks towards me with a bible, fuck it, I’m going down fighting.” Miz calls Daniel to stand next to him. Miz uses the term “Internet Darling” in reference to Bryan and brings up all the guys who shot their baby batter across the room when they heard Danielson signed with the WWE. He asks the newly christened Daniel Bryan “do you think you’re ready for the WWE?” The internet darling replies in a dead pan “Yes, yes I do.” This is going to be fun. Miz asks him to go to the ring and introduce himself, and show personality and charisma. “I can do that.” “Oh, and have a good catchphrase” says Miz. So Daniel-san heads to the ring to the Miz’s theme music. Miz then threatens to beat the personality into him. With anyone that boring it would require some kind of tactical nuclear strike.
-Michael Cole and Josh Matthews are the play-by-play guys, while Matt Striker is the host. Bryan heads to the ring and apologizes to all his fans across the world for being stuck with the Miz. Okay, we’ve officially crossed the into a new realm of brilliance. This is the most hip the WWE has been EVER! Eat your heart out, Unibrow! Anyway, Bryan talks about how happy he is to make it to the WWE after ten long years, BUT WAIT~!! because here comes the Miz and man does he look pissed.
-Miz says his work is cut out for him. “I’m sorry” is the worst catchphrase ever. Miz threatens to make him tap, then say says he has no personality. Bryan rips Miz for being on the Real World and having a Fohawk. Miz spits out his catchphrase, so Bryan fights back with “when you wrestle me, you either tap or you snap.” Fans ooooh and ahhhhh at his semi-cleverness. Miz polls the fans on if he thinks Daniel should be in the same ring with him, then fires off a bitchslap, then struts away. Well, that whole segment rocked.
==BREAK TIME==
-During the break, Bryan tells Striker that he’s not embarrassed. “And with all do respect Miz, I slap harder then you do.” Matt Striker tries to talk about how Bryan is the rookie, but Daniel tells him “I’ve been wrestling twice as long as he has!” Striker is like “Yea but, I mean, not in the WWE bro!” Daniel is like “so-what?” Man, they’re giving him the best lines possible.
And holy mother of fuck… the main event for tonight is Daniel Bryan vs. Chris Jericho. It’s pretty clear the WWE is betting the farm on Bryan.
Match #1
Michael Tarver & Carlito vs. Heath Slater & Christian
We get a promo package on Tarver, also known as Mr. 1.9 Seconds. His daddy was Mike Tyson’s sparring partner. Wow, his dad was Robin Givens? No wonder he’s Carlito’s rookie, because that’s cool. He talks about sleeping in a car and wrestling for $20 a match. Oh come on, the same goes for 90% of the guys in the business.
Slater’s promo package is less fun. Just various shots of him acting goofy and talking about how he’s wanted this since he was a kid. Lame.
RESULT:Â Christian & Slater…Â Christian Slater… ahhhh, I get it… win when Christian pins Tarver following the Kill Switch.
Heath Slater: ***1/4 Didn’t really get to see too much of Slater, but he looked pretty solid when he was in the ring. Nice, crisp bumping.
Michael Tarver: 1/2* The greenest black dude I ever saw. He looked awkward and lost in the ring. His bumps and facial expressions were practically comical and he telegraphed every bump ahead of time. He even looked bad hitting the ropes. The only saving grace was his boxing-style punches in the corner weren’t that bad. But now it’s clear why he was paired with arguably the lowest guy of the pro-group, because he is obviously the most expendable.
==BREAK TIME==
Match #2
Darren Young (w/ CM Punk) vs. David Otunga (w/ R-Truth)
We get a promo by CM Punk earlier today where says he has no idea why he was picked for this show or who Darren Young is. Young tries to get advice from Punk and the Straight Edge Society but they just sit back and stare. They should NOT have called this a reality show because that might have turned a lot of WWE fans off. This is *not* a reality show, but it could very well be one of the most entertaining wrestling shows I’ve seen in years.
It’s now time for David Otunga’s profile (I guess Young doesn’t get one). He threatens to win NXT. He’s a busy guy, along with his wife, Jennifer Hudson. He’s been to the White House twice, he’s better then everyone, faster, prettier, smarter, and he hangs with Barack Obama. He’s Triple H mixed with the Rock mixed with Batista and everyone is jealous of him. He’s never failed at anything and won’t fail now. If you don’t know him, you should. Damn, lay it thick, WWE. That said, I bet anything that he’s ten times more over then nearly any other heel in the company by the end of March. Any takers?
RESULT: David Otunga wins in like 30 seconds with a botched spinebuster-slam. Weird.
NO RATING for either guy. I think there’s a strong chance someone fucked up. Not a very good start for either guy. And damn did that spinebuster look awful.
Match #3
Daniel Bryan (w/ Miz) vs. Chris Jericho (w/ Wade Barrett)
==BREAK TIME==
Next week: Matt Hardy vs. Justin Gabriel
Meanwhile, Barrett tries to talk about how proud he is to be paired with Chris Jericho, but Chris hates being told how great he is almost as much as he hates towel heads and fags and thus tells him to just do a proper introduction. Daniel Bryan is out, but it’s…
==BREAK TIME==
Jesus, how many breaks does it take to pay these fucking rookies? Can’t they just use McDonalds coupons like Paul Heyman did?
RESULT: Jericho makes Bryan submit to the Liontamer. Pretty good TV match, highlighted by an insane spot that saw Daniel Bryan go for a tope but get caught and powerslammed into the top of the announce table. The camera closed in on the huge bruise that instantly appeared on Bryan. Holy fuck. Somehow, Bryan was up first from this, which made no damn sense. Jericho seemed legitimately frustrated. Daniel slapped on a standard leglock and got a HUGE pop from the crowd who legitimately bought it as the finish, thanks in no small part to Jericho selling it like death. Code breaker and Liontamer finish for Jericho. And yes, it was the proper liontamer and not the wussy Walls of Jericho. Match was in the three-star range.
Daniel Bryan: ***1/2.  I’m sure the smarks will cry foul, but I have to say that despite his insane spot, his punches and kicks were downright embarrassing, so much so that I had to take off a full point. And there was some other stuff that looked less then crisp. To be certain, he looked better in his debut then most guys could ever hope to, but I wouldn’t be shocked if some people don’t get what the big deal is.
-After the match, the Miz enters the ring to mount some punches that in all honesty put Daniel the internet god’s to shame. Michael Cole is apparently the heel announcer for this show because he talks about how Daniel has no personality and got off on the wrong foot in the WWE. You know who would have been better for this role? ANYBODY!
And that’s it for the show. Well if nothing else, I’m interested enough to tune in next week. What did you all think? Hit the comments.
