For Your Consideration…RAW Goes Up in Smoke

For Your Consideration…RAW Goes Up in Smoke

I’m baaack.

You know, it’s really hard to pull off the dramatic “I’m baaaack” thing in words without coming off as an arrogant prick, so let me start off by apologizing for that. On a serious note, I want to thank everyone that took the time to either message me on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?ref=profile&id=100000654073648), Twitter (twitter.com/awheeler316) or e-mail (awheeler316@yahoo.com) with good luck wishes for the Bar and for condolences over the passing of my grandmother. I appreciated everything and am humbled by the response.

Alright, enough of the real world stuff, onto wrasslin.

First and foremost, since I missed what was an important week of wrestling last week, let me quickly catch up. I thought the Elimination Chamber PPV was a great show in that it put the wrestling world in check (if I may borrow a chess metaphor, because nothing is cooler with the kids than chess…like that episode of “Saved by the Bell” where everyone worse Screech’s lucky beret), with Wrestlemania potentially delivering checkmate.

In my Roundtable picks, I kinda accidentally spoiled what would have been a nice surprise for the audience, as I realized that John Cena would be winning the damn thing (though just to hedge my bets I officially picked Sheamus). In hindsight, the WWE definitely did the right thing. The match itself was entertaining, with several of the storylines that they had spinning on plates continuing to twirl after the closing bell.

I was glad to see the company advance the whole Legacy storyline in the match, and I thought their handling of it last week on RAW was brilliant (with Orton being made to look like a fool only to pull the old switcheroo, which we all know is a gander [yes, obscure Seinfeld quotes are back]). Randy is right now a surprisingly over babyface because he’s being booked the way a true babyface should be: not an overly smiley guy trying to tell jokes but rather an aggressive wrestler who isn’t constantly outsmarted and isn’t above cheating a little to win. Orton is being booked a lot like Steve Austin was right around the time the fans started to warm to him. When Austin lost to Savio Vega, he said he did it intentionally to rid himself of the Million Dollar Man. Orton’s pre-emptive attack on Legacy worked brilliantly because for once the WWE took our expectations and played them against us. While I doubt the inevitable match at Mania will be great, I am pleasantly surprised at how they’ve handled it so far.

Cena going over had to happen because Bret Hart probably can’t wrestle. Since Hart is now out due to a “limo accident”, he will probably sit in Cena’s corner while Vince will accompany Batista. Dave has never looked more like a killer than he has now, and I’ve always said that face Cena versus heel Batista is an amazing mark match when you consider they are two of the biggest names of the past decade. We have never had a true Cena/Batista face/heel feud before, so this could be something special. Again, the match might not be amazing, but from a storyline perspective and from a roster perspective, you can’t do any better without ruining one of the other matches. Unfortunately, it looks like Hunter will be far away from the main event picture, but maybe having him take a backseat on the biggest show of the year will continue to silence the critics who still believe he is trying to put himself over everyone. Of course now that I’ve typed this, look for the WWE Title match to become a triple threat and I’ll be forced to eat my words.

In the other Elimination Chamber match, everything played out perfectly. Truth was there only to job and to job quickly, and he sure did that. Punk cut two golden promos and did a decent job with both Ron and Rey before packing it in for the night. Morrison got to look like a star by standing toe-to-toe with The Undertaker, which is a plus. Best of all, Jericho walked out of the PPV as the World Champion, which is something he absolutely deserves for his fifteen plus months of brilliance. It is amazing to see someone turn himself into a completely different persona and actually IMPROVE an already strong legacy. That alone makes him worthy of being World Champ. Also kudos to Taker for wrestling that whole thing after taking a ball of fire to the chest like he was in a Street Fighter video game. Lastly, I like how they handled the Shawn Michaels run-in, and I think his whole lack of a James Bond villain explanation on RAW was great. We all know why Shawn did what he did and he said as much.

Wrestlemania is shaping up to have one of the strongest cards that the WWE has put on in a while, which is great. Cena/Batista is a major draw on its own, but with the addition of Hart and Vince it should be a massive sports entertainment extravaganza. Edge/Jericho could easily be Match of the Year when you consider how great those two are, and I am psyched to see them get a main event slot because they both deserve it. Edge was on a roll before his injury, and Jericho made every storyline he was in better and even managed to revive the value of the tag team titles. Taker/Michaels is a match that the WWE had to do since they kept saying it was the only great match for Undertaker to have, and while I highly doubt that they can recreate the magic of last year, it is still the kind of match that people will pay to see. On top of that, we’ll get Punk/Rey, which should be really fun. The Money in the Bank match so far has some guys that know how to put on a great ladder match, which does nothing but enhance the value of the show.

When you have a card that already has two or three matches guaranteed to steal the show, it’s a safe bet to say that this year’s Wrestlemania will be a good show. Will it also have Diva nonsense and other stupidity? Sure. But remember, we got Savage/Steamboat on the same show where King Kong Bundy squashed midgets. You gotta take the good with the bad.

Moving on…

I know a bunch of people already gave their two cents on NXT (kudos to everyone…except Charlie, who was a douche for trying to ruin Survivor and Amazing Race), but I figured since I had the space I would touch on it for a minute.

First of all, the idea for the show is absolutely brilliant. Regardless of how well the show does, the WWE is creating eight new stars without having to come up with vignettes and squash matches. The platform that NTX provides could be invaluable to the WWE, because if even one of these guys catches fire and becomes a star, the show has paid for itself.

And yes, I will join everyone else who was excited to see Daniel Bryan get the spotlight on the show. Just the fact that they decided to book Danielson/Jericho as the first main event made me believe that the WWE might have an idea what they have on their hands, and the execution was a thing of brilliance. From the opening promo to the video packages on each guy, we really had a feel for each star. With that said, if David Otunga wasn’t nailing Jennifer Hudson, he would have been pulled from television forever for botching that finish. That was ugly as hell. On the other hand, the celebrity wattage that he will pull in is enough for management to overlook all of this…for now. If he really does start to suck, they’ll cut him, because footage of his matches will wind up on Extra and the WWE doesn’t want to make it look like they put out an inferior product.

Lastly, with all due respect to Mark Allen, this week’s MVP has to be The Miz. On Sunday at the Elimination Chamber, Miz got to cut a promo on Daniel Bryan AND defend his US Title successfully against MVP (all the while brining back color to the WWE). Then on RAW, he got to cut another promo and defended his tag titles. On NXT, he was in practically every segment, and his heel heat successfully rubbed off on Bryan and helped get Daniel over to a larger audience. Finally, on Smackdown, Miz got to cut his fourth promo of the week and wrestle in the main event against Edge. Don’t look now but Miz is officially in the running for main eventer, folks. Either he’ll be in line to face Cena or Edge sometime this summer for the title, and he’s showing us now that he can handle the promo load and deliver in the ring.

One last topic before I start RAW, and that’s the Future Endeavored list. First up was the release of Shane Helms, which I’m in complete agreement with. Helms made the most of his Hurricane gimmick, but just like Sean Morley, he showed that when you take the gimmick away the wrestler can’t get over on his own. Helms’s dickish heel and his “I’m just sayin’” face just didn’t connect with the audience, and his constant injuries kept him off of television for months at a time. Worst of all, he had a reputation for being an asshole to begin with, and the TMZ incident was more of a piece of a larger puzzle as opposed to an isolated incident. Without a cruiserweight title, Helms would have been a jobber on RAW or Smackdown anyway, so it isn’t a major loss.

Paul Burchill on the other hand could be a major loss. Paul has shown that he has a bit of charisma on the mic, and he made the most of everything from his pirate gimmick to his incest storyline (which thankfully was killed before it ever really got started). Burchill could have been a capable hand on either RAW or Smackdown, and I don’t really understand the necessity in cutting him.

I do, however, understand the necessity of cutting Maria. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Maria. I think that she was one of the few Divas who could play a convincing character, but she made the fatal mistake of believing she could exist outside of the wrestling world. Any Diva that attempted to test the waters outside of the ring found out that Vince wasn’t too keen on the idea unless he got a piece of the pie. And can you really blame him? If a guy like The Rock had to sign a deal saying that McMahon got some of his fortune, what would make Maria think that she had any leverage? Maria will have the distinction of being the final victim of the Playboy curse (Tiffany’s spread doesn’t count since it was before her WWE time), and cutting her made sense. She couldn’t appear on WWE TV while the “Apprentice” aired anyway, so why pay her to sit off camera and do nothing? If the WWE wants, they could always re-sign her in a few months and have her waive to the audience and blow kisses. For now she will unfortunately be remembered as the next in a long line of Matt Hardy television girlfriends who went the way of disco.

Finally, there was the release of Charlie Haas. I always liked Haas and felt that his tag team with Shelton was one of the highlights of the past decade. Sure, Vince thought watching him work was like watching paint dry, but that’s only because he lacked the grace and skill of The Great Khali. Haas deserved a lot better from the WWE, but he was one of those guys that seemed to stick around long after the company had any true use for him. He will be missed, even more so than he was now considering he hasn’t been on television for months.

In the coming days, I wouldn’t be surprised to see more cuts. I doubt Jesse will get cut since his father Terry and Michael Hayes were so tight. I also doubt that Jimmy Yang will be gone since he’s a reliable jobber. Funaki will never be fired ever. Ever. My guess is that a guy like Mike Knox is expendable since the company has Ezekiel Jackson and Vance Archer to fill the role of big guy. I would also not be flabbergasted if Kozlov got cut, unless his “sitcom” gets picked up. Finally, I think the WWE might cut Khali, as he has no real role left in the company other than to be the wacky giant who laughs. I’m sure he’s getting paid quite a bit of money, and that money could be spent elsewhere. Besides, he has a healthy movie career to fall back on. Oh, and lastly, just because it would make me happy, I would love to see the WWE wish Abraham Washington best of luck in his future endeavors.

Enough of this, on with the show.

The Judicial Review: RAW 3/1/2010

“It’s not over…”

We start right up with Nickelback, or as you know them, the band with less fans than a pickle and a cat in a tinfoil hat.

We are LIVE with pyro and ballyhoo from Oklahoma City. How I wish JR was around. Yes, I know things always end badly for Jim when he’s in his hometown, but I miss him so much that I don’t even care if he’s being humiliated.

Tonight we get yet another Bret Hart farewell. Plus, Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase go one-on-one.

But first, it’s one half of the Rockers. The fans are on their feet as Shawn is still dressed like Mr. Ernst from “Hey Dude”. This then leads to a video package of Shawn costing Taker the title. My biggest problem with the Taker/Shawn rematch is that they can’t pay off the gimmicks attached. First, I doubt that Taker’s streak is ever going to end since it’s worth so much to the WWE. Second, I don’t think for a second that Shawn will end his career at Mania. The only option they have is for there to be some sort of shmozz ending, which isn’t going to make anyone happy. This would set up a rematch at Extreme Rules and Shawn could then pin Taker but keep his “streak” alive. See, its stuff like this that makes me think the match isn’t going to be that great.

Shawn is in the ring and the lights go dim. The audience is chanting loudly for Shawn because apparently they don’t know that he’s supposed to be the heel. Shawn says that there’s a buzz in the locker-room, but sadly this doesn’t bring out the Killer Bees. Michaels says that he sees his peers and when he looks them in the eye, they look away. And for once, it’s not because his eyeballs are retreating back into his skull. See, they don’t believe that he can beat Taker at Wrestlemania. He said that no one has given Taker a run for his money the way Shawn has (uh…Taker couldn’t beat Giant Gonzalez and that ended in DQ), and then Shawn says that he is Mr. Wrestlemania. He believes that he can end the streak and anyone that doesn’t believe in him can come out, look him in the beady eye and tell him he can’t win. I bet this will bring out Triple H.

Sure enough, here comes Hunter. Not only is it Hunter, its Hunter complete with the smoke coming from under the entrance ramp. See, that kinda makes me think that his coming out wasn’t spontaneous. Also, there’s a sign that says U Can’t See OKC. Why? Is OKC located on the island from “LOST”? Because I’ve watched the show and everyone there has their teeth.

Hunter says that he doesn’t think Shawn’s going to win…he knows that Shawn can win. Hunter says that he has wrestled everyone in this business and he can tell Shawn that HBK is the best he’s been in the ring with. He then continues to blow Shawn in front of everyone, which is kinda uncomfortable. Hunter then says that DX will never die and that those residual checks will never stop coming. Hunter says that he would hate for DX’s last image to be them losing to The Biz. He invoked his rematch clause and tonight DX will face The Biz. The lemmings in the arena chant for DX but Shawn says that they are going down separate paths. Hunter says that tag champs don’t have to defend for 30 days and that in 28 days it’ll be the RAW after Mania and Hunter says that there will be a DX celebration. Who said the WWE doesn’t engage in long-term booking?

Hunter believes in Shawn the same way Gotham believed in Harvey Dent, and look at how that worked out. Then again, since Taker was already horribly scarred by that fireball, I think it’s safe to assume they won’t mangle Shawn’s face. Shawn says that tonight they are going to win the tag team titles and we get to hear the DX music again. Super. Alright, now I kinda believe that what’s going to happen is that Hunter is going to cost Shawn the match and his “career” and this is going to allow Shawn to come back at Summerslam to take on heel Triple H. In the meantime, Hunter can take over RAW, which would give the WWE an excuse to stop the whole Celebrity GM angle.

In the back, Cheech and Chong are in their dressing room before the Bella Twins wander in. You know, if they keep fucking all the guest hosts, they’re gonna catch something. Cheech says that he and Chong are normal down-home guys, and the Bella Twins take Cheech on a backstage tour. Chong decides to rest and relax before the fucking midget shows up with a box of Lucky Charms. The Lucky Charms make Tommy start to hallucinate, and I’m beginning to think that maybe I should be high to enjoy this. I’m kidding of course because drugs are illegal. Don’t do them because you don’t wanna have to hire me to get your ass out of jail. So if for no other reason, stay away from drugs because lawyers are fucking expensive.

Commercial.

We’re back and Just For Men brings us the implosion of Legacy as well as the first and last time we’ll see Yoshi Tatsu win a match on RAW.

I hear voices in my head, but unlike Tommy Chong I’m supposed to hear them. Randy looks decidedly less shiny tonight as Michael Interweb Cole tells us that we’re watching the hottest show on cable. Take THAT “Say Yes to the Dress.” Wrestlemania is brought to you by Slim Jim, because nothing is classier than watching some wrestling with a stick of gnarled beef.

Teddy comes out next and he still has that petulant look like he’s about to start crying. I guess he saw the sales numbers for “The Marine 2: The Search for More Money.” Randy starts off the match walloping Teddy before we get a long standoff. Teddy then backs Orton into the corner before unloading on him. Teddy then flings Orton out of the ring but Randy takes control. See, if we’re getting this match on RAW, what the hell is he going to do at Wrestlemania? Teddy rolls back out of the ring and heads for a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Teddy is stomping away on Orton. I am begging for them to show me something more than punches and kicks. Rather than type it every time, I’ll just say that Teddy is kicking Orton and then mixes it up with some punches. Teddy finally breaks this up by locking in a resthold and then hitting a clothesline! That’s right, two moves in a row without a punch and a kick. He then gets Randy to his feet and unloads with a…sigh…punch. The two of them trade punches before Orton hits a scoopslam, which is apparently vintage Orton.

Randy then busts out the Garvin Stomp, which Lawler calls a major part of his repertoire. Ya think? Orton starts to punch the mat but Cody Rhodes runs out. Randy takes a swing at him but Teddy rolls him up for two. Orton reverses it for two and then Cody runs and Legacy lays out Randy Orton. Will someone make the save to set up a tag match for Mania? No, instead Randy overpowers them both. He goes to DDT Cody but Teddy saves him and they walk away as Randy stands on the bottom rope screaming to shake harder boy.

Tonight, The Biz faces DX.

Commercial.

We’re back and I see a limo and it’s Bret Hart. I’m still going through his autobiography (kept me entertained while studying for the Bar) and I just got to the part where he finds out he’s winning the WWE Title match.

In the back, Tommy Chong is massaging Eve Torres, who has the voice of William Regal. Apparently it is William Regal because Tommy Chong is a diabetic and sugar makes him go crazy. He then asks if he can still hang out with Kelly Kelly, who turns out to be Chris Masters (complete with Kelly’s voice). Cheech and Chong do a great job selling this, which is what made it work. See what happens when your host doesn’t drive a racecar for a living?

We now get a video package of Cena complaining about getting screwed, complete with dramatic soap opera piano synth grooves. If I didn’t know better, a Skinemax porno is about to break out. Later on tonight we’ll get some kinda faceoff or something.

Commercial.

We’re back and last week Christian beat Carlito in the match of guys who seemed like they were destined for the main event but it just never happened.

I see a suitcase hanging over the ring and hear AC/DC, so I guess that’s the official entrance theme for the case. Out first is Jack Swagger, who absolutely belongs in the match. Thankfully, his opponent is Santino, so I think it’s a safe bet that Jack is winning. This is a qualifying match, which to Tony Schiavone means that this is almost like a qualifying match.

Jack and Santino lock up in the center of the ring and Santino unloads with some rights and lefts. Jack then pulls out the Gut-Wrench Powerbomb and its over! I’m excited because I think that Swagger has what it takes and he deserves to be in the match over Marella.

Batista is in the back in a gay biker leather vest and he’s got security leading him and his bedazzled bracelet to the ring. Just call him Goldberg and get it over with.

Commercial.

Did you know that last week a fuckton of people watched RAW?

The Cham…er…the guy in jean shorts is here. You are watching the longest running musical/variety/cooking program of all time. John Cena says that he wasn’t screwed and that Batista was smart to do what he did. Cena’s more pissed that on RAW Batista beat the hell out of him. John reminds us that he has a main event match against Batista and that in four weeks Cena is going to pay Mr. Batista back. When you call him Mister Batista he sounds less like a badass and more like a butler.

Here comes a parade of pale wrestlers who are too short to make it in the WWE dressed as security and then here comes Dave dressed like one of the Biker Mice from Mars. John mocks Dave for bringing out security. Batista says that security is there to protect Cena. John says that he should either come to the ring or stand there like a 6 foot 6 pansy. Ooh, that’s gotta sting. That’s a sick TV-PG burn. Next up he’ll call him a sissy.

Dave says that he lost last week because he wants to face John Cena at Wrestlemania. They started out at the same time and they both rose to the top and they are the two biggest stars since the Attitude Era. Somewhere in the back Randy Orton just threw a monitor. Even worse, he didn’t hear that comment.

Batista is pissed that the WWE made John Cena the Man instead of Batista. Dave is pissed that Cena got the magazines and the movies. He is upset that it went from Steve Austin to John Cena. Dave deserved to be the face of the WWE. I tell you what, this is a great heel promo.

Cena says that he wants to be champion and he doesn’t care about torches. Cena says it worked out differently and he asks Dave if he wants to know why. Torn muscles. I’m kidding. Cena says that he’s the first to arrive and the last to leave and that unlike the selfish Batista, Cena is all about the business. Dave agrees and says he doesn’t care about the fans but is there to make money. Lashley? Batista says that he’s going to be in a gym training. He reminds everyone that he broke Cena’s neck and then says that what Cena thinks is irrelevant. Dave demands a John Cena catchphrase. Batista says that Cena can’t beat him and he knows it. I bet if there was a Wellness test right around Mania that Cena would win.

Tonight again we get to see the Farewell to Bret Hart, and I still hope that they bring back the Hitman midget.

Commercial.

You know, for all the greatness that the Cena/Batista promo had, I think the lasting quote was that they were the two biggest stars since the Attitude Era. Aside from Orton, they really were the only two guys to get over. In an alternate universe, the four biggest stars would have been Benoit, Guerrero, Lesnar and Angle, but I guess you never know.

In the back, Cheech and Chong are in their ridiculous costumes and we then see Chavo in a fake mustache and a sombrero. We then see Primo and Carlito dressed as Cheech until they point out that they hate each other. Katie Lea has a fake mustache. Yoshi Tatsu shows up and he has a fake mustache. Cheech says that he knows how “LOST” ends after filming the last episode, but this gets interrupted by a talking chicken. I swear to you I am completely sober as I type this.

In the ring we see Zach Ryder, who is facing MVP. For the record, Ryder deserves to be in MITB, but it’ll probably go to Porter. Ryder goes on the offensive first but MVP hits the throw on Ryder before smashing Zach in the face with a kneelift. MVP hits the Ballin Elbow for Two and then the Playmaker and that’s it. Seriously, that’s it. Welcome to RAW Zach, you’ll be jobbing quicker and quicker. That is a waste of good talent.

In the back, Gail Kim, Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly are dressed in pajamas with pillows heading to the ring for a pajama pillow fight. Is it too early to select Match of the Year? No? Don’t worry, it won’t be this match.

Commercial.

So apparently there’s a PPV in 27 days called Wrestlemania. You know, they really should advertise it so that people know about the show.

Cheech and Chong are out now complete with “Low Rider”. For the record, Cheech Marin and I are alumni of the same fraternity, Phi Sigma Kappa. That’s pretty much where the similarities end, since I never appeared on “Nash Bridges”. Wow, I just now realized that both stars of “Nash Bridges” appeared on RAW.

Tommy Chong welcomes us to Monday and then welcomes us to Monday Night RAW. Cheech points out that this show has already been on for an hour and a half. No kidding. Cheech is introducing the Divas in the pajama pillow fight. I miss TV-14 WWE where this would have been a lingere pillow fight with a paddle on a pole. If you’re going to degrade the women, treat them like objects and not preteens.

Gail Kim, Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres are out first. Their opponents are Jillian Hall, Maryse and Alicia Fox. Maryse does her dirty hair flip thing complete with a pillow. The bell rings and everyone looks about as lost as an NXT rookie. The faces all gang up on Maryse but Jillian Hall starts unleashing clotheslines on everyone. So wait, this isn’t a 6-Diva tag? Jillian Hall starts to sing and Kelly shoves a pillow in her face. Kelly gets a two count but eats a DDT from Maryse for 2. Gail hits her finisher on Maryse but Eve hits her with a pillow and I feel like a complete moron for writing the action move-by-move. Gail hits her finisher but gets tossed outside. Eve hits a legdrop on Alicia Fox and that’s it. Cheech and Chong clap as Michael Cole thanks them for a great match. Oh fuck, I hear Hornswoggle’s music. He pops out from under the ring with more cereal and they start pelting it at the audience.

WWE Hall of Fame inductee: Mad Dog Vachon. That’s a great pick. I can’t believe he wasn’t already in the HOF. This year’s Hall class actually has a nice collection of deserving stars. I’m almost relieved that Warrior backed out, because it would have felt out of place to have him go in there with several legit wrestlers. Oh, and since I wasn’t there last week, I’m glad to see the WWE made nice-nice with Wendi Richter. Since she was the original screwjob, I guess Vince is trying to right all of his wrongs. Mad Dog, Inoki, DiBiase and Richter. Along with Stu Hart, that’s a pretty solid class. Yes, it lacks a “big time” name, but they’ll come up with someone. And I doubt it’ll be Savage. My pick, by the way, would be to induct Paul Heyman and give him an open mic.

Commercial.

We’re back and Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole.com review the Mania card.

Justin Roberts starts to introduce Bret Hart but he gets cut off by Mr. McMahon’s McMusic. Well that’s just shocking. Lawler says that this is over the edge, and if you didn’t immediately think of the PPV where Owen died, you should have. That was just uncomfortable.

Vince breathlessly talks about Bret Hart, because I guess that walk to the ring took a lot of out him. Bret Hart hobbles out with his crutch and he isn’t even selling it. My guess is that he and Cena faked the whole thing and he’s going to beat down Vince. We now get to see the whole Vince/Bret package AGAIN.

Vince asks Bret to clear his name regarding the accident. Hart says that ever since he came back to the WWE, Vince has treated him like a piece of garbage. He then tells Vince to get the hell out of there. McMahon says that if he’s gonna be a liar, he should be a world champion liar. He didn’t invite Bret out to say farewell…he lied…because Vince McMahon screwed Bret. Vince asks if Bret had challenged him to a match at Wrestlemania. Bret says that he’s currently incapacitated. Vince says that he didn’t notice and he says that a dried up old fossil can heal. He says that Bret came back to…hold on, I gotta practice my evil Vince/Emperor grumble…fight him. McMahon asks Bret why he wouldn’t fight him. Vince says that he’s the one who screwed Bret, sent him down to WCW where he embarrassed himself, spit in his face and lied about Stu getting in the Hall of Fame. Vince says that Bret should do it for all the fans.

Bret says that he can’t wrestle because he’s got a broken freakin’ leg. Yeah, that sounds a lot cooler coming out of Kurt Angle. Vince says that the Hart name used to stand for something but now Bret has no heart. All he really needs is heart. McMahon says that Bret Hart is a something something coward. He then kicks away his crutch and Bret goes straight for the mat. He dropped faster than Sheamus’s stock in the company. Vince calls him a chicken, so Bret adopts the Marty McFly rule and accepts the match at Wrestlemania. Sigh. Vince McMahon says that next week he show Bret how tough he is and next week he will take on John Cena. So I guess that’s how they are going to counter-program TNAwful’s Monday debut. Oh, and for what it’s worth, having TNA give away Hogan’s return to the ring AND Flair’s return to the ring is a terrible idea. It’ll get eyeballs, but there was an actual value in seeing them compete, and they are giving it away for free. Hogan/Goldberg clearly taught Bischoff nothing.

Commercial.

Next week, Criss Angel will host RAW. Also, Randy Orton faces Legacy. I figured they were saving that for Wrestlemania. I guess Orton’s going to get a partner of some sort for Mania.

Are you ready for what might be the last DX match ever? And by ever I mean until the WWE forgets that Hunter and Shawn may be enemies and they re-team again to sell t-shirts, glowsticks, and most importantly…hope. Wait, I misread that. It meant to say beach towels.

Well, awesome, it’s The Biz. Yes, I know the WWE went with ShoMiz, but I like The Biz a lot more and last I checked this was my column. Alright, who’s ready for action? Too bad, because here comes a…

Commercial.

Alright, what’s the deal with selling video games with commercials featuring slow ballads sung by women? This is why I stick with wrestling games, football games and Tetris. Tetris doesn’t need a lame ballad to move merchandise.

We’re back and it starts off with Shawn Michaels and Big Show. Hey, didn’t Shawn basically kill Teddy Long and kiss his career goodbye? Yeah, me neither. Big Show wallops Shawn and then he tags in Miz. See, Miz is now wrestling in the main event on RAW. This guy is showing that the WWE didn’t completely forget how to properly build someone for the main event. Miz tags in Big Show, who keeps asking Shawn if it hurts. He then locks in a bear hug. Cole reminds us that we are watching RAW and Shawn breaks free and tags in Triple H.

Hunter hits the high knee and a Spinebuster. Lawler says that he has a feeling about DX tonight, but that could be cured by an ointment. Big Show hits a chokeslam on Hunter but Shawn slips in for a Superkick. Now it’s a race for the hot tag and the audience is actually going nuts. The ref starts a ten count just to add more suspense. Big show tags in Miz and Hunter tags in Shawn. Shawn hits the flying forearm and the atomic drop/chop. He then goes to the top rope to drop the elbow and he doesn’t blow the spot. Shawn tunes up the band and then Taker pops up on the Titantron. H’s just staring at Shawn and then rolls his eyes into his skull. Shawn turns around and Miz rolls him up for the botched pin.

Triple H looks all forlorn and Shawn is snarling. Yes, snarling. Hunter hoovers over Michaels and Shawn says not to touch him. He storms out of the ring like a petulant Teddy DiBiase as Sheamus runs out from the crowd and takes out Triple H. He leaves Hunter lying and the crowd chants Sheamus sucks. Wow, I guess the guy still has some heat left. Good for him. Sheamus bicycle kicks Hunter over the announce table and ends it by raising his arms with the O’Doyle Rules scream.

What a shocking end to a scintillating RAW. See, it isn’t hard to be Michael Cole.

This has been for your consideration.