Bad Movies Done Right — Oscar Fever

While most men in America look forward to the Super Bowl, I find myself getting all sweaty with anticipation for the Academy Awards.

I look forward to that one Sunday night were the stars align. It’s movie fans, though, and not astronomers that are in a twitter (and on Twitter — inflicting the world with their oh-so-unique award predictions).

As America’s favorite actors and actresses walk the Kodak Theater’s red carpet, many of them will have only one thing on their mind as they are surrounded by a sea of paparazzi: their preemptive Oscar acceptance speech.

An award winner’s acceptance speech can be just as memorable, if not more memorable, then the role they actually won for.

When preparing for a speech, there are so many questions a nominee must ask themselves: Who to thank? How to approach the stage? What tribe of Native American should decline the award on your behalf?

Marlon Brando’s Acceptance Speech

Being your friendly neighborhood movie blogger, I’ve prepared a simple formula for creating the perfect Oscar acceptance speech. Just customize this speech to fit your needs and you will have the perfect way to say ‘Thank you for giving me this tiny naked golden man.”

“I just want to (thank/congratulate/caution) you for recognizing me for my (performance/mad skillz/chiseled good looks) as a (handicapped single parent/holocaust survivor who fought Nazis with bottomless optimism/cantankerous but lovable gay college professor).

The other nominees are a (talented/undeserving/strangely arousing) group who all deserve (this award/prison time/fear and respect).

Standing on this stage, I’m (overfilled/overwhelmed/overfed) with (pride/envy/some other assorted seven deadly sin).

Having this award to (put on my mantle place/melt down so I can finance my drug addiction/keep me company on those cold, lonely nights) is a (honor/unfortunate side-effect/memory that I won’t remember after tonight’s after party).

I’d like to (give props to/taunt/spit on the graves of) the cast and crew who worked with me on the movie. Those long nights were we (fought with/made love to/avoided) each other are sure worth it now, huh?

I’d also like to thank (my family/L. Ron Hubbard/the Cigarette Smoking Man) for helping me to get this far. Without their (support/back alley dealings/well-timed political assassinations), heaven knows I’d still be (doing community theater/making pornos/filthy rich with daddy’s money).

But most of all, I’d like to thank (my fans/my wish giving monkey’s paw/the drugs). It’s you that (supported/obsessed over/stalked) me and because of that, this (award/night/Bud) is for you.

In closing, I’d just like to say (you love me, you really love me/I’m the king of the world/live from New York, it’s Saturday night)!”

Bad Movie of the Week — The Alcove

Oh Joe D’Amato, you always knew how to make a movie fan blush.

This month Severin Films will release The Alcove on DVD. This 1984 film from director D’Amato and writer Ugo Moretti is essentially what it would look like if Larry Flynt made a Merchant Ivory film.

An Italian production, this dubbed DVD is one penetration shot away from being a hardcore porno wrapped up in a crunchy period costume drama shell.

Laura Gemser stars as Zerbal, the daughter of a tribal king who is given as a slave to Elio De Silveris, a solder/poet played by Al Cliver.

Upon returning home from the Zulu war with his Nubian treasure, De Silveris presents the newest addition to the household to his ravishing wife, Alessandra (played by Lili Carati).

Alessandra, who was previously cheating on her husband with his young female secretary Wilma (Annie Belle), begins to lust after the lithe (and frequently nude) body of Zerbal.

Essentially, The Alcove is 90+ minutes of “who’s having sex with who.”

There are lesbian love scenes, shots o’ plenty of self-gratification and more oral sex then you can shake an ornately carved wooden dildo at. There’s one of those too.

For those movie fans that like a little nudity in their foreign films, The Alcove has more bush then Oliver Stone’s W.

Oh, and did I mention that there was a rape scene featuring a character dressed as a nun?

The Alcove is not, I repeat not, the type of movie you want to sit down and watch with Grandma. In fact, I’m not even sure it’s the type of movie you want to sit down and watch at all. While I guess the movie could be considered a classy sexplotation film, it really is more of a porno then anything else.

A threadbare plot involving jealousy, slavery and seduction exists only to move audiences from one graphic sex scene into the next.

Joe D’Amato always fancied himself an auteur (even though he was one of the criminals responsible for Troll 2) and he certainly treats The Alcove as an art film. Beautifully shot and with a musical score that sounds almost Bacharach-ian, the movie looks and sounds better then any film like it has the right to.

The acting, you’ll excuse me for saying, sucks – but that’s all the cast is really required to do, along with blow, fondle and tweak.

I swear I haven’t seen this many erect nipples since my days in college — where a combination of an all boys dorm and a lighting fast internet connection led to the dormitory’s walls almost seeming to bleed pornography in the same way the Overlook Hotel’s walls seeped blood.

I can only really recommend The Alcove to horny men and women looking to get some blood rushing to there bathing suit areas while watching a movie. Don’t go expecting any type of plot or character development. The movie was made for only one reason alone — to show as many scenes of Laura Gemser walking around nude as possibly could be filmed.

But hey — who am I to complain?

Robert Saucedo still has nightmares about the near fatal porn overdose his college roommate had. Visit Robert on the web at www.robsaucedo.com.

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