ScoopThis! TNA’s Abyss Named New Spokesman For Kleenex Tissues [Parody]

LOS ANGELES, CA – The Kimberly-Clark Corporation has announced in dramatic fashion today that TNA Wrestling’s “The Monster” Abyss will be a new spokesperson for their Kleenex® brand tissues, when an immense large-scale ad was unveiled on the west side of the 5455 Wilshire of L.A.’s Sunset Strip.

Abyss – a.k.a. Christopher J. Parks – can be seen weekly on Spike TV’s TNA Impact television show, and is most known for his crying and whimpering in the face of even the slightest adversity. According to Christos Gabriel, Marketing VP at Kimberly-Clark, this made him the perfect candidate to represent the Kleenex® brand.

Gabriel admitted being a closet wrestling fan himself, and seeing the potential in this association as soon as TNA released manager James ‘Sinister Minister’ Mitchell, back in 2008.

“For one reason or another,” he told us, “Abyss has been crying ever since; with each tear bringing him closer and closer to our brand.”

When reached for comment, Abyss was – naturally – in tears.

“This is the most beautiful moment of my life,” he managed to tell us between sobs. “And I owe it all to the great booking of TNA’s creative team. Without them, I wouldn’t be here.”

The deal – which includes a series of 4 print ads and two television spots – runs out in 2012.

TNA Impact airs Monday nights on Spike TV.

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