Didn’t they used to only have a half hour episode results show when they had to dump one kid? Does it really take this long to separate one of them from the pack? Animal Planet doesn’t take this long to show a wildebeest baby get torn apart by a pack of lions. Of course they don’t have Kei$a playing in the jungle.
The show opens black and white as we see the Top 12 guys get their golden tickets. One of them will get to see their highlights again at the end of the episode. This night will be one giant fluff job with lots of highlights before Ryan breaks a dream with a few words normally reserved for his back waxer. The Irish lighting director turns all the spotlights green for St. Patrick’s Day. On the judges table, Ellen has decided to go without the scarf. She needs to keep her neck covered to fake her youth. Simon is pissed that Ryan got in his face last night. He was made uncomfortable. Simon asks if Ryan wants his job as if any threadbare t-shirt dork couldn’t lie about the talent of his lame picks? Why not let Ryan takeover from Capt. Teletubby? Not like Simon is doing that much in his chair except countdown to X Factor. Simon keeps telling Ryan to step back. He really must have felt threatened to bring this up on camera. Or maybe can’t handle Ryan’s breath? Simon reminds us that the judges can save someone from elimination until the final five are named. With the way they’ve been pushing certain barely talented competitors, the save will be used early.
David Cook is brought on for “Jumping Jack Flash.” He won two years ago and promptly was squeezed into a Johnny Bravo jacket by various producers. He’s rather forgettable with this cover. It’s almost something he’d do as a time killer during a concert. At least it’s not as lame as watching Phish cover Genesis at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony.
Ryan has the dozen kids on the couch. He gives us the Ford commercial done to a Killers’ song. They’re playing paintball while driving cars. That’s not safe. Although the cover of the Killers is extremely safe. Now they turn into a complete infomerical mode with the kids designing their own Ford Fiestas. Enough selling us cars. They’ve got the three stools of doom on the other side of the set. Paige Davis is the first to stand up. Her gender bending version of “Honky Tonk Women” bought her a trip to the stools. That’s what happens when he blows your mind. Lee DeWyze gets grilled about working on being better. But he’s safe so it doesn’t matter. Siobhan Magnus stands up to be described as Snooki’s poof. Simon doesn’t know Snooki. Way to prove you’re not contemporary. Ellen thinks she’s unique and can break out like Adam Lambert. Does that mean she’ll be working bisexually on the stage next week? We’ll find out since she’s safe. Aaron Kelly gets compared to Ellen’s hairdo. The Disney American Idol Experience winner is safe. Andrew Garcia and Tim Urban stand up together. Someone is going to the stools. Kara says after watching the show on TV, they both deserve the bottom slot. Amazingly enough, it’s Tim Urban and not the equally bad Andrew Garcia.
We go to the break with Paige Davis and Tim Urban on the stools. How did America “love” Andrew Garcia into at least 9th place? They bring out a Suzi Quatro-esque singer – guitarist called Orianthi to perform “According to You.” She was the guitarist for Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” shows. She’s managed by 19, the folks who sign all the kiddies on American Idol. This is corporate synergy. She’s only performing tonight because Michael Jackson died. Otherwise she’s be living in London for a year for all Jacko’s O2 arena shows. At least she had a better fall back gig than most rockers that become unemployed because their pop idol goes pop.
Didi Benami is the first up from the sofa. She’s flustered while talking with Ryan. Her mom gets told it is good new tonight. Her daughter has another week to torture us. Crystal Bowersox is next. She’s got Lily’s good luck feather over her ear. Ryan hints there will be Barry Manilow night. Crystal might have to stick around for that nightmare. She’s safe. Katie Stevens is up. Did she really connect with “Wild Horses?” Isn’t that about uncut heroin that Keith RIchards was digging? How did Katie connect? Kara brings up the pitch issues. Simon wants her to do more country stuff. Randy wants her to be pop. Ellen suggests mariachi. Katie is safe after clowntime ceases. Michael Lynche fills up the widescreen as he stands up. He gets to avoid the empty stool. Casey James and Lacey Brown go shoulder to shoulder. Ryan chats with Casey and sends Lacey to the middle of the stage. The lower three are Lacey Brown, Tim Urban and Paige Davis. Ryan asks Ellen about using the save on one of them. She can’t give an answer. Simon says one of them is worth saving.
Ryan ends the frustration for one of the basement trio. Tim Urban is sent back to the couch. The Vote for the Worst Crowd breaths a sense of relief.
Kei$a tramps it up on stage with “Blah Blah Blah.” That’s an Iggy Pop album title. When will they have Iggy Pop night? The pop tart is semi-Gaga in her outfit than the trailer trash that worked in the “Tik Tok” video. The male dancers wear TV monitors on their heads. It’s like Mummenschanz with cable. These two lame rappers interrupt the song. They look like lost valets. Kei$a returns with an Indian headdress. She must be auditioning for the new Village People. It’s a delightful mess. When will she do a cameo on Breaking Bad?
Ryan dims the light as Lacey and Pagie clutch each other with fear. Ryan reminds Randy that this was supposed to be a girl’s year and the bottom two are ladies. Randy’s not surprised. Lacey Brown is cut. Paige Miles returns to the sofa. Lacey sings “The Story” for that second chance. Are they really going to burn it this fast? She’s a little pitchy as the judges huddle behind the table and whisper away. How are they supposed to really listen to this last minute begging for a dream to continue? Naturally the crowd goes nuts. They don’t want an execution. Simon says they unanimously decided to not save Lacey. She’s tossed into the ash heap of Idol history. There will be no summer tour for her in major arenas. She’s excited for the future as they run a montage of her dream getting inflated and popped.
Tags: American Idol, rolling stones, Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell