For Your Consideration…Post-Wrestlemania RAW Hot Tub Delorean

For Your Consideration…Post-Wrestlemania RAW Hot Tub Delorean

Welcome to the second “For Your Consideration” today. All I can say is thank goodness it’s Passover and I can tell work that all this time off is due to my Seder. By the way, to my fellow breadless brothers and sisters, Happy Passover. To my decidedly less Jewish friends, Happy Easter. To my Athiest friends, happy Monday. As longterm readers know, my “Easter” tradition is to always watch the best Easter movie of all time, “Mallrats.”

Earlier today I posted my thoughts on Wrestlemania XXVI http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2010/03/29/for-your-consideration%e2%80%a6the-wrestlemania-xxvi-judicial-review/ , which were pretty much along the lines of a decent and watchable show that looked like a blockbuster can’t miss on paper but just didn’t seem to click on all the levels I expected it to. Oh well, there’s always next year in Atlanta. Quick reminder before I get to the Judicial Review that you can friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler317), e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com or just post your thoughts in the comment section below. See, I’m accessible like porn for homeless people in a library. Alright, since my last damn column today was so long, we have no time to waste, so…

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 3/29/10

“Rest in peace.”

We open with a Shawn/Taker video package and that overly dramatic flute music makes its return. The entire package takes about a minute and a half and doesn’t really show all the great moments from the match, so if you for whatever reason missed it, check it out online.

We open with that always fantastic and not at all the worst thing ever Nickelback song, though I would like to point out that Shawn is still a pat of the opening.

Cole welcomes us live to Phoenix Arizona to a decidedly smaller crowd. Michael Cole promises us an emotional night, and sure enough there’s a graphic of crying Shawn. Please tell me they bust out “Tell Me a Lie”.

The show opens with Dave Batista, who has opted for the unbuttoned long sleeve shirt and nothing underneath. See, he could kinda get away with that because he clearly has P90X abs. Most folks could not. Please, don’t try this at home.

It’s odd that they are opening the show with the loser from last night, but whatever. Heel Batista has been a bit of a revelation for the WWE, and he is proving that his long-lobbied heel turn was well worth the potential risk. The risk, mind you, stemmed from the loss of his merchandising. Thankfully, the fans love to hate this guy (against anyone but John Cena, who always seems to get booed).

Dave starts his promo but gets cut off with a “You tapped out” chant. Well, to be fair, he did. Batista says that he knows we all expect him to throw a fit, but he isn’t Shawn Michaels. Last night was a blip on his radar. Apparently we won’t ever remember that. You know, unless of course it becomes a Wrestlemania Moment alongside Pete Rose dressed as a chicken, a giant chicken. Batista demands a rematch before saying that John Cena can’t beat him. Except for the fact that he lost last night, he’s 100% right. Clearly he’s using Sex Panther logic.

Batista’s perjury draws out John Cena in Gator colors, and just like Urban Meyer did to that Orlando Sentinel douchebag, he’s gonna go off on him. John Cena says there’s a lot of Wrestlemania energy in the building. Eww. Cena points out that he did in fact beat Batista and that after all the talk about Dave wanting the match (wait, pause for a Cena Sucks chant from 2006) and wanting to be the face of the company, then why did the face of the company look like he was a fish in prison on his first night (that’s the classy way to say he looked like he was being raped).

John says that no one forgets Wrestlemania, which is why The Undertaker keeps trying to have great matches to erase the Kennel from Hell. And the Giant Gonzalez match. And the King Kong Bundy match. And the A-Train/Big Show match. Cena says that Batista can make history by having his rematch on the night that Shawn Michaels says goodbye. “For once give the WWE Universe what they want.” Apparently the universe wants the rematch for free. Socialists. Bet they all want free health care too.

Batista says that it won’t happen tonight before trying a cheap shot. Cena hammers away on him and Dave slips out of the ring. Kurt Swangle shows up from out of nowhere with the MITB suitcase and he straight up murders John Cena with it. Swangle asks for a referee and he cashes in his MITB contract. Cena reverses it and goes for the STFU but Swangle waves it off. He is still the magical suitcase holder and John Cena is smiling. That might be due to the fact that he just took a Halliburton to the head and might have a concussion.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Causal Male” Cole are on camera now talking about Shawn’s farewell.

We start the Heartbreak Career in his debut against the Rougeau Brothers. Wasn’t that the night he winds up going out and getting himself fired?

Commercial.

We’re back and I hear the Million Dollar Man’s theme song. Ted DiBiase is coming out with IRS, Nick Bockwinkel, Pat Patterson and Arn Anderson. What the hell is going on? Clearly this lack of bread is screwing with my brain. Wait…here comes Rowdy Roddy Piper, Sgt. Slaughter, Ricky Steamboat and Tony Garea. Jerry Lawler leaves the announce position and he’s now heading to the ring. Looking at the ages of all these men, my guess is that Vince is going to restart WCW.

Justin Roberts brings out Clark Duke and Rob Corddry. The Great White Buffalo.

The lesbian says that he’s excited about being here tonight. Tonight’s main event is Batista and Jack Swagger versus John Cena and a partner of his choosing. Also tonight, there’s going to be a hot tub match between Rob & Clark versus the Divas. Apparently this is a Legends Lumberjack match. Alrighty.

Christian is out first and he strikes the pose that’s on his shirt. Super. I wonder how many people are trying to figure out who the hell Tony Garea is. Christian’s opponent is Teddy DiBiase. The Million Dollar Man claps for his boy, who is sporting a nice looking bruise. He waives the legends out of his way, but accidentally waives us into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Christian comes off the second rope with a small package for two. Just to let you know, we live in a world where Wendy Richter is in the Hall of Fame but Arn Anderson isn’t. Cole, for some reason, tells us that the lumberjacks are doing well. They really haven’t done much besides stand around, but I guess that means they’re doing their work. Christian goes for a spinning DDT off the second rope but Teddy breaks it up.

Christian goes to the second rope again and hits a dropkick for two. Teddy goes for Dream Street but Christian blocks it and does that in the corner double leg lift thing. He starts clapping to signal the Killswitch but Teddy reverses and both guys go to the outside. A rumble breaks out between the heels and faces and all hell is breaking loose in the nursing home. Teddy gets distracted by what’s going on outside the ring and gets caught with an Unprettier for the pin.

Ted helps his son up but Teddy shoves him. He starts with the pout again as the bruise/cut on his head makes him look like a piggybank. Ted looks flabbergasted that his kid would shove him, because in the history of wrestling no son has ever screwed over his father.

Second Heartbreaking Moment: Shawn tossing Marty through the Barbershop window, signaling one of the most memorable moments in my childhood.

Hunter is heading towards the ring and towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back with Axxess highlights.

Rob, Clark and the Divas are all in a hot tub. Santino shows up in his “Say Anything” gear, which was actually kinda funny. So it’s basically the Bella Twins, Rosa Mendez and Tiffany. Rob and Clark climb in and suddenly they have champagne. Well, that happened.

Hey, here comes Triple H. Thanks a lot, jerk, for not interfering in the Shawn match last night like a predicted.

So Hunter’s there and you can tell he’s casual because he’s chewing gum. That makes him “pal” Hunter, not scary Hunter.

Hunter says that he can’t believe Shawn’s career is over. He remembers 16 years ago seeing Shawn in overalls without a t-shirt in a mullet. They took on the world (and by that he means holding down Jeff Jarrett, Dean Douglas and screwing over Bret Hart) and fought everybody. They fought side by side, face to face, a couple of Silver Spoons. Hunter throws up the Wolfpac signal before saying that if this is it then he wants to come out…wait, fake choke-up…before…before…before everything else started. He says that there’s something he always wanted to say to Shawn, and this of course leads to Sheamus attacking Hunter with a lead pipe. Apparently Hunter never said “argh…” The production people cut to a woman with a shocked look on her face that is priceless.

Commercial.

Gail Kim, Mickie James, Eve Torres, Beth Phoenix and Kelly Kelly are out. They will be facing the team they lost to the night before. Had they WON the night before, I would have won the Roundtable. Instead, I won the Roundtable but tied with several other writers. We get a still photo of Vickie hitting the worst Frog Splash ever, which was actually kinda touching for a minute.

Eve and Maryse start out as Maryse goes for her sexy pose and Eve pins her. See, that was the finish I expected the night before. Vickie hightails it and the rest of the Divas break out into a giant catfight.

Shawn’s next highlight is the ladder match between Shawn and Razor. People say that this match really doesn’t hold up, but it still seems exciting to me because I’m old enough to remember a world before ladder matches. I also miss those ridiculous sunglasses.

Bret Hart is here, and after those chairshots last night, my guess is he’s wanted by the cops.

Commercial.

Our next Shawn moment is the Iron Man Match between Shawn and Bret. I miss Vince’s old announcer growl. The editing conveniently skips over the “time limit draw” part. This great moment was ruined by Bret in his book when he says that Shawn immediately told Bret to “get the fuck out of the ring” when he won.

Bret Hart is here, and thank goodness he’s wearing pants. Bret is wearing a shirt with a photo of him and Owen. Thankfully, we won’t see any replay footage. Bret Hart starts off by congratulating Shawn Michaels on his career. Bret says that Shawn was one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. Yep, my brain just broke.

Bret said that he finally got the closure he was looking for and it was a great feeling to beat the holy hell out of Vince McMahon. I gotta give Vince credit for trusting Bret not to take liberties and kill him. Bret gives a shout-out to his parents, Owen and Bulldog as the crowd chants for Owen. As soon as Bret shows the shirt, the audience erupts. Bret says that now all he tastes are joy and satisfaction. Must be a side effect from the concussion. Bret wishes us all the best but this brings out The Biz. Well, I guess it’ll be them against the Hart Dynasty. Glad they’re getting the Bret rub. Wow, that sounds dirty.

Miz is still rocking his Edge Jr. leather jacket as Big Show looks positively giddy with his gold belts. Miz says that Bret beating Vince in a 25-on-1 handicap match gave him a great feeling? Miz says that Bret is a thief because he robbed Miz of his time. The Miz is sick of hearing about Bret and Vince. He’s the most glorified champion in the WWE and he deserves to talk about himself more than anyone. Miz declares himself 1 and 0, and only 17 wins away from tying The Undertaker before saying that he’s awesome, while Bret Hart is overrated. Miz says the entire Hart Family is overrated. Miz then demands that Bret leave the ring and Bret says that if he wants him to leave that he should make him. Big Show stops Miz before trying to rationalize with Bret. This draws out the Hart Dynasty, who I guess are now officially faces. They are all wearing baby pink. About time they got the rub from Bret’s return. The Biz decide to turn tail and bolt. On the one hand, I’m happy for them. On the other hand, I dug Natalia as a heel. Bret challenges The Biz to a match but Big Show says no thanks. Miz finally convinces him otherwise and I guess this is on.

Commercial.

We’re back and DH Smith has Miz in a vertical suplex before dropping him. This is non-title, which is code for Harts winning. Tyson Kidd gets flipped over the top rope by DH Smith as he collides with Miz on the outside. Wow, innovative tag team wrestling. What a concept.

Miz tags in Show and Kidd tries to take out Show. Show headbutts Tyson before he starts to deliver “big” slams. Miz gets back in and delivers his cocky corner clothesline. Tyson starts firing off punches but he gets driven back into the heel’s corner. Show is in now and he chokes Tyson with his boot before delivering the big chop. Miz tags himself back in before locking in a facelock.

DH Smith gets tagged in now and he wails on Miz. The Harts pull out the Hart Attack as Bret is all smiles. Tyson goes for the Sharpshooter as Big Show yells at Miz and asks him whether he’ll finally listen. Show pulls Miz out of the ring as Big Show berates him. They then leave arm-in-arm, and I am not embellishing at all sadly. The ref counts them out and that’s all she wrote. Hey, a win is a win, right?

Our next HBK moment is the best of DX.

Commercial.

We get stills of Kurt Swangle winning MITB before we get more Diva hot tub stuff. Things start getting creepy so Tiffany and Rosa bolt. Craig Robinson appears on the television screen to bitch about someone switching his tickets. Craig declares the Bella Twins as winners. Mark Henry then shows up in a Speedo and climbs in with them. Rob complains that something bit him, and sure enough it’s the fucking midget.

We relive Hunter being jumped from behind but this gets interrupted by the entrance of Kurt Swangle. I really dig the new robe. Jack has the microphone as he asks if we smell the scent of his Money in the Bank briefcase. Jack says that earlier in the night he was just foolin’, but when he cashes it in he’s going to win the title. Yeah, I don’t see that happening.

Commercial.

Batista gets his spotlight entrance and he seems kinda pissy. Oh, and there was an ad for Shawn’s new DVD that is already outdated. John Cena comes out next and he has a major announcement about his partner tonight. Cena’s partner is…Randy Orton. Um, what? When the blue fuck did Randy Orton officially become a full-on face? I know they’ve teased it for the past few months, but this is ridiculous. Randy Orton and John Cena tried to KILL ONE ANOTHER. Orton tried to fry John with pyro. Now that’s all just water under the bridge?

Cena and Batista start out but Dave backs out and in comes Swangle. Cena hits a suplex on him before tagging in Orton, which causes the audience to erupt. Randy starts with the Garvin Stomp as the fans chant for an RKO. Yeah, because the fans turning Orton face could never fail. Randy starts humping the mat for an RKO but Jack slides out of the ring and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and during the break Cena almost FUed Batista but he wound up eating a clothesline. Now, Swangle has a waistlock on John. John hits the Running Vaderbomb for two. That is a cool looking move. Jack then tags in Batista, who stomps away on Cena. And stomps. He then busts out a neckbreaker before stomping again for two. Dave then hits a Spinebuster. He sets Cena up for the Batista Bomb but John backdrops out of it.

Randy Orton makes the hot tag and he takes down Swangle. He hits the inverted backbreaker for two but Dave breaks up the pin. He then Spears Cena but he eats an RKO. Randy RKOs Swangle and that’ll do it.

Randy and Shawn stare at each other with disbelief as we go to another Shawn Michaels moment. That moment? Shawn v. Taker from last year.

Commercial.

We’re back and Shawn is decked out in his cowboy hat looking like Commissioner Michaels. The announcers give him a standing ovation, because nothing is a bigger show of respect than Michael Cole rising to give you applause.

Shawn pauses for a moment to speak but gets interrupted by The Undertaker. It’s a cowboy hat versus cowboy hat stare down as Taker ultimately doffs his cap and leaves. I pity anything TNA has on to counter this.

Shawn says that he doesn’t know what he’s going to say tonight. The fans chant for him not to go. Gotta agree there. There are still some great matches for him to have. Shawn says that he started at 19 and at 23 he started in the WWE. The idea of now being 44 and not being on television anymore is going to be hard for him to get used to. The fans chant “Thank you Shawn” as we see an old woman bawling. Really?

Shawn says he has to thank the fans because for the longest time the ring was all he had. The fans were the only people in the world that made him like himself, which is how he found his smile. He left it in Utica. Michaels says he doesn’t wanna try to thank people for fear of forgetting names. He reneges on that right away by thanking Hunter for being his friend. A lot of people used to not like him because he was a douchebag but Hunter never once left his side, because it takes a lot to be the #2 guy to the top star in the company. Shawn says that there are a lot of people in the truck and holding the camera, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross all made him look better than he was. Shawn then thanks Adam Pennucci for putting together the best promos all the time. Shawn says that he knows a lot of people are skeptical of career-ending matches but he doesn’t wanna go back on his word and he will try to never wrestle again. Shawn then thanks Bret Hart before saying he used to drive Bret Hart crazy. Finally, there’s Vince McMahon. Shawn says that there is no one else he could have worked for other than Vince. Michaels says that he was on a crash course going nowhere and Vince kept him from going over the edge. Last but not least there are the fans. He thanks the fans for giving him the honor and the privilege to show off every night of his life. Shawn thanks Jesus for saving him. I’m pretty sure Jesus did a run-in at “In Your House”.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels has left the building.”

This has been for your consideration.