For Your Consideration…Smackdown Gets SwAngled

For Your Consideration…Smackdown Gets SwAngled

No, you’re not seeing things, this is really the third “For Your Consideration” in a week. Some might attribute it to the fact that it was Wrestlemania week, while others might just think I have no life (which isn’t too far off since I don’t get Bar results for a few weeks and between work and wedding planning my free time is becoming about as prevalent as a polar ice cap). I like to think it’s a heavy mixture of both.

Now the statistics on this site tend to show that people don’t read a lot of columns on the weekend. I’m not really sure, since I sure as hell know I check the internet on a daily basis, lest I not find out the latest Twitter gossip about Justin Bieber (I’ve never heard his music but the bulk of the comments about him seem to fall somewhere between he’s the greatest thing ever and he looks like a lesbian and I wish he was dead). That reminds me, you can follow me on Twitter at (http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316) or friend me on Facebook.

Basically, this is the final bookend to the Wrestlemania week. I skipped NXT because it was a two-match show, and there is already a healthy dose of coverage on the page. I skipped Superstars because the chances of Primo showing up is too much for my poor heart. Don’t get me wrong, I watched them, but didn’t have much to comment on. I will say that the ranking thing they did on NXT felt very last second in terms of how it’s going to work, but that’s fine by me. And while I would have rather have them hold Bryan back in the rankings so as to not make it completely obvious, I’m glad he’s getting his recognition. For the record, here are some quick thoughts on the NXT rookies:

Darren Young: His look alone makes him a contradiction. He has goofy hair, a chain and dresses like the bastard son of Jimmy Snuka (and he ain’t no Deuce) yet he has mentioned that he has an air of mystery about him. Really? He’s supposed to also be a party boy, but nothing about him screams that. Even worse, he’s boring as hell. I could never see him again and wouldn’t bat an eye. The only plus to him is that CM Punk has such disdain for him that Punk’s reactions are worth waiting to see.

Michael Tarver: Well, when your mentor’s Carlito, you gotta assume that management didn’t think too highly of you. Tarver has a one-punch gimmick, which would be great if he actually used it. I think he threw the punch once, but it wasn’t even memorable enough to stick in my mind. He hasn’t done much else and doesn’t seem to have a personality aside from his one good line about an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Plus, since Big Show already has a lethal punch gimmick, did we need this guy?

Skip Sheffield: This guy has a great look for the WWE in terms of his freakish strength, with the downside being that his look is more Quick Draw Rick McGraw and less John Cena. Skip screams Wellness Violation, and his too small for his head cowboy hat makes me think of the more entertaining Kurt Angle skits from about a decade ago. He hasn’t done much in the ring that we haven’t seen from other big men who can’t work so well (Chris Masters, et al), and his yokel personality just doesn’t fit his menacing size. If this were the mid-90s and he were given a medieval warrior gimmick then maybe he’d be in luck, but his Steve Austin vest and orange trunks makes him look like a random Create-A-Wrestler from “Smackdown v. RAW”.

David Otunga: Yes, I know why he has a job, but he is the absolute worst wrestler in the bunch by leaps and bounds. He seems lost in the ring, he can’t hit his finishing move to save his life and he is Jackie Gayda bad when it comes to exposing the business. Don’t believe me? Watch him during the finish of the Battle Royal where he clearly looks at the ref for the signal to toss Gabriel over the top rope. He couldn’t handle TOSSING SOMEONE OVER THE ROPES. He is the ultimate example of Vince’s star fucking, and that’s fine, but Daniel Bryan was dead on when he said he can’t wrestle.

Heath Slater: The guy looks like a midcarder from SMW, and while his “One Man Rock Band” idea makes sense and is creative, he has yet to show too much enthusiasm. I feel like if he were around fifteen years ago, he’d be losing on WCW Saturday Night to Mike Enos. He has a decent look, but nothing about him says star power. Then again, what says star power about Drew McIntyre and he’s got a rocket up his ass to the top of the card.

Justin Gabriel: I love that Matt Hardy is training the guy who is going to take his spot. Gabriel gets pops for two reasons; the girls think he’s cute (even though he’s got that weird DH Smith chubby kid cheeks thing) and he can hit a 450 splash. He doesn’t have the size that Vince likes and he can’t seem to speak that well, but I’m sure being around Matt will fix those promo problems right away. Right? Right? He’ll be a fine addition to the roster, but I don’t see him as a Big Thing.

Wade Barrett: This guy has everything the WWE could ever want from a rookie and then some. Now that South Florida gets FCW, I have been able to see his work outside the confines of the WWE, and he is a great heel. He can cut a promo, he looks menacing and he matches up well with the real wrestlers. After his inclusion in the ten-man tag on NXT, there should be little doubt about who the WWE thinks is going to give them their most value.

Daniel Bryan: This guy kinda looks like some kid from the indies who was once the best in the world. Outside of week one, Bryan hasn’t been allowed to show what he can do, but his partnership with The Miz has been inspired and he has managed to look motivated against everyone, including The Great Khali. Mainstream fans will need to be reminded over and over again to cheer for him above polite applause, but he is showing that even in the WWE that he can pull off big things.

The other big piece of news this weekend was that Vince McMahon might be dropping the “Mr. McMahon” (or as Gerald Briscoe calls him, “Mister Mac-MaHon”) character. His theory is that the character was created when he screwed Bret in Montreal, and now that Bret has had closure, the character should fade away. I’m torn about this idea because on the one hand it was such an iconic character that the loss of him from television would be a gaping hole, but on the other hand he physically doesn’t feel like he could really ever wrestle a good match. This one character helped make Steve Austin, it helped turn Rock heel and face, it made Mick Foley’s character and it has been used over and over again to change the direction of the company. Vince coined Ruthless Aggression and spearheaded the Roster Split (along with Flair) and his authority figure role allowed him to arbitrarily make decisions that we knew would stick.

The character still has miles left in it, however. During the whole limo explosion, the endgame was going to be elevating Mister Kennedy…Kennedy into a main event heel role. Of course, there were extenuating circumstances that ended that storyline, but the idea was there. Hell, look at Drew McIntyre now. If he didn’t have the Vince rub, he’d be in the midcard aimless like so many other talents. If this really is the end of Mr. McMahon, then we really will be losing a major positive on television. Worse, this could open the door for…gasp…Stephanie to return.

The Judicial Review: Friday Night Smackdown 4/2/10

“Yessir, we promised you a great main event tonight…”

We forego a replay and go right into the Smackdown opener, which is far superior to having to listen to Nickelback. Hell, I’ll go so far as to say that I actually like the song.

There’s pyro and ballyhoo and we are NOT live from Las Vegas, Nevada. I left most of my liver there last month.

Tony Chimmel welcomes out the World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Jericho. Jericho is wearing an all black suit and he looks so damn dapper with that belt around his shoulder. Jericho looks all pissy for some reason.

The far superior Matt Striker and Todd Grisham are on camera showing us stills from Wrestlemania, including the belt-shot to the head and Chris being Speared through the barricade.

For those of you watching this on radio, Chris Jericho informs us that he is still the World Champion. Chris said that last week he called himself genetically superior to Edge, and he was right. Well, that is true because while he is Canadian, he was born in New York. Jericho then says that he’s pissed because Edge speared him through the barricades and all he could hear was the fans chanting for “Edge”. Yeah, I watched Mania and they weren’t chanting “Spear”, they were booing Edge…or they were shouting Boo-urns.

Jericho then starts dipping into Punk’s playbook by saying that all the fans take shortcuts and are losers, just like Edge. He says that he is there to say that it is so. Think of him as Ramses, only with a cooler haircut.

I think I know the guy coming out. Sure enough, it’s Sexton Hardcastle. Edge is out in a t-shirt and jeans because unlike Jericho, he’s just a regular guy. A regular guy who had sex with Lita. He’s just a regular guy with a sexually transmitted disease.

Edge says that he and the fans have a lot in common, which was what I just said. Apparently the fans love seeing Jericho get Speared. Edge wants his rematch and he wants it…right…now. Yeah, like the WWE would give away a title change for free. Jericho says that Edge is at the back of the line because he’s black. No, he didn’t say that. He called him a loser. Edge then attacks him for some reason. Was it something he said?

Edge rips off Jericho’s shirt and delivers an Edgecution. Chris has his ribs all taped up and he eats a Spear, which gets a decent pop. Edge slowly backs up the ramp but here comes Kurt SwAngle with the briefcase and he lays out Edge. SwAngle is cashing in his Money in the Bank suitcase and he wants a referee. Just think of him as a giant Crash Holly.

The ref runs into the ring but he takes his time to clear the ring. Swangle is freaking out and as soon as then bell rings, he hits the Swangle Bomb and we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. Kurt Swangle holds the belt over the head of Chris Jericho as Edge is unconscious on the ramp. Wow, I can’t believe that Batista just took out Edge to allow Punk to win the title. I mean, I can’t believe that Edge just took out Batista to allow Jericho to win the title.

Striker calls him an opportunist, so now he’s the More Ultimate Opportunist, Kurt Swangle.

Now THAT is how you open a post-Wrestlemania show.

Commercial.

We get a replay of the madness that just happened.

Striker and Grisham are pontificating on Swangle’s title win as R-Truth skips to his loo out to the ring to ask us about whether or not something is transpiring vertically. He then mumbles the rest of his awful lyrics and I can’t wait until John Morrison turns on this goof.

John Morrison is out next and he does his best Bret Hart impersonation by putting sunglasses on a kid in the crowd. That’s the closest he’ll come to Bret at this point.

Cryme Time is out next and Todd calls them one of the most dynamic tag teams in the WWE. Last I checked, they were one of the only tag teams in the WWE.

Truth and Wisdom v. Cryme Time

Truth locks up with Shad, and it is amazing how shiny R-Truth is. Striker calls their match at Wrestlemania a slight setback. Really? Getting your ass kicked in about two minutes is a setback? As I type that, Morrison hits Starship Pain out of nowhere and it’s over in a minute. JTG looks all shocked and don’t tell me they’re going to split these two up now. Would it kill the WWE to keep a single damn tag team together?

JTG helps up Shad and they do the inevitable post-match conversation into an argument. Shad then delivers a big boot to JTG and I guess we can kiss them goodbye. Shad then beats the hell out of JTG as the confused crowd looks on. They start to boo, but mainly because this means we’ll have to watch Shad versus JTG at some point in the future. Shad delivers the STO and thus ends the most violent episode ever of “Hanging with Mr. Cooper.”

So now we have big monster heel Shad AND big monster heel Ezekiel Jackson on the same show with big monster heel Mike Knox and big monster heel Batista. Diversity, thy name is Friday Night Smackdown.

Kurt Swangle is in the back with his shiny title belt as he walks past Jesse, Tony Atlas and Mickie James. Swangle then walks by Shelton Benjamin and says that maybe he should be called the gold standard. If that means people will compare him to Shelton, do you think that’s a wise career move?

Commercial.

We’re back as Josh Matthews interviews Shad. Shad says that there is no more time. No more Cryme Time. This is his time. So does this mean he’s getting Hunter’s old theme song?

Drew McIntyre’s creepy entrance is next as he comes out with the Intercontinental Title. Oh yeah, I forgot he even had that belt. His opponent is the always charismatic and entertaining Matt Hardy. Of course I decide to cover Smackdown and get Hardy/McIntyre.

Matt climbs into the ring and gets jumped by Drew, who rams him into the steel post. He then hits the Underhook DDT before the bell rings and he calls for his title. Well, thankfully it was short. Unfortunately, two segments in a row setting up matches that I’m not really chomping at the bit to watch.

John Cena is a guest star on a Nickelodeon show, but it isn’t “Salute Your Shorts” so I don’t care.

Commercial.

We get a shot of the Vegas skyline and I wish I was still there.

We get more footage of Swangle winning the title followed by Jericho destroying some furniture. We now re-live Shawn retiring.

Swangle is in the back with Vickie and Lay-Cool. Swangle is looking for Teddy Long and he demands a State of the Champion address. Jack kisses Vickie’s cheek, but sadly she doesn’t turn into a princess.

Oh fuck, it’s Khali. Didn’t he go back to India?

Commercial.

Dolph Ziggler is out, and I really hope he’s the guy who gets the honor of ridding Smackdown of Khali. While I don’t mind seeing Khali on television in this role, I do mind seeing him television.

Striker tries to sell us on the strength of the Sleeper Hold as Dolph bails. He comes back into the ring and eats a clothesline. Khali works him over in the corner, delivering the only hold he can, a chop. The fans cheer because it’s loud and they like loud noises. Khali then delivers a Hogan boot and Dolph rolls to the outside again. Khali palms his head and pulls him to the apron, but Dolph drops him across the top rope. He then locks in the Sleeper Hold but Khali flips him off his back. Dolph locks it on again and I guess we’re selling this as a legit move by having him kill Khali. Khali’s foot keeps kicking the rope when he doesn’t mean to and the ref calls for the bell. Well, let’s hope this isn’t just an aborted push.

So to recap: Swangle wins the title, Shad and JTG break up, Drew and Hardy are feuding and Dolph just choked out Khali. All of this PLUS no Guest Hosts?

Khali calls for the microphone and warbles gibberish. Apparently he’s done a lot of soul searching, and he’s lost his smile. He’s going back to India and when he returns, he’ll become World Champion. While I love part one of this plan, part two is what keeps TNA in business.

Straight Edge Society is in the back and they are heading towards a…

Commercial.

We get stills of Rey beating Punk from Wrestlemania.

And here comes CM Punk, the man who busted out the awesome GI Joe trunks on Sunday. Luke Gallows now has a leather jacket. A sign in the crowd says CM Stunk. Someone please find that person and punch him in the head.

Punk has the microphone but Gallows takes the mic from him and gives CM a full introduction. Luke says that all of his impurities have washed away so the time is now. Yes, I know. Shad already told me. Serena now demands that we show some respect to him. She rambles on about being bald. She bores me. It takes a lot for a bald woman to be boring, but she’s doing it. With promo skills like that, she could do porn.

Punk finally grabs the microphone and says that if there was ever a city needing to be saved, it would be Vegas. Uh, Vegas isn’t in New Jersey. Punk then talks about the virtues of Vegas; 24 hour alcohol service and smoking in any public place. Oh there is so much more to Vegas than that! The museums and the art galleries and the strip clubs…I mean fine dining. Punk says that the town is a group of people who lie, just like Rey Mysterio. See, Punk was supposed to save Rey but Rey is still out there lying to himself. Apparently Rey needs Straight Edge. Punk refuses to give up and he demands a rematch; hair versus mask.

Coming up next on Jim Crockett…

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes Team Ridiculously Good Looking People.

Tiffany is out next and she’s in her odd cheerleader outfit. Her partner is Beth Phoenix, and something tells me in this partnership that Beth would be the more masculine one. Five bucks says there’s some sort of Tiffany/Phoenix fan fiction on the net already. Five bucks.

Tiffany and Michelle start it out and McCool backs her into the corner. Tiffany’s brightest weapon at this point is a smug smile. She hits an atomic drop on Michelle, who for some reason grabs her stomach. I hate to tell you this, McCool, but when you get hit with an atomic drop, you don’t get hit in your stomach.

McCool then wails on Tiffany before tagging in Layla. They hit a double-facebuster and Layla locks in a chinlock. Tiffany breaks free and makes the tag and Beth gets revenge on Layla for attacking her ladyfriend. Beth then hits the Glam Slam and that’s it.

Teddy Long is in the back with Chris Jericho. Jericho demands that Teddy reverses the decision from earlier in the night. Teddy says no and then offers Jericho a rematch later on in the show. Chris says he’s hurt so Long says he has nothing for him. Chris says he’s the champion before wandering away.

Commercial.

Josh Matthews is in the back with the Hart Dynasty, who are now apparently full-on faces. DH Smith says that it was an honor to see Stu Hart get inducted and it is a privilege to be part of Bret’s match. Really? Did they not see the match?

Swangle walks in front of them to show off his title belt. Brilliant.

I see pyro, and that can only mean…about ten different wrestlers. Wait, that’s not pyro, its fire. Hey, here comes Kane. Kane says that he’s bored and frustrated. Thankfully, they’re in Nevada where he can get a hooker. Kane wants to instead take on the entire NXT roster. Sure enough, here comes the entire NXT Roster.

Commercial.

The match starts with Daniel Bryan and Kane and apparently this is an 8-on-1 handicap match. Bryan delivers a series of forearms to Kane but gets caught and slammed. Kane delivers a dropkick to Bryan who tags in Darren Young. Young gets hammered as Grisham says he could pull off the upset of the century. Really? It’s eight on one. Gabriel gets tagged in but he then tags in Barrett, who gets beaten on by Kane. Barrett starts firing back with shoulderblocks in the corner. Kane fires back with an uppercut but he eats a big boot to the face. That eliminates him, so I guess we’re using Survivor Series rules. Skip Sheffield gets tagged in and we immediately go to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Skip is getting worked over by Kane. Skip gets scooped up but Slater tags Skip. He hits a boot to Kane’s face and comes off the second rope but gets caught with a chokeslam and he’s done. Michael Tarver is in and he just gets launched over the top rope. David Otunga climbs into the ring next but he tags out. Thankfully we don’t need to see him. The NXT guys talks strategy on the outside and they decide to bumrush Kane. The ref calls for the bell and apparently it’ll end in a DQ. Zuh?

The rookies hold up Kane for Tarver who goes for a kick. What the hell? Doesn’t he have a knockout punch?! Bryan hits a dropkick off the top rope as everyone starts hitting splashes. Gabriel climbs to the top rope and he hits the 450. You know why this was great? Because we didn’t have to see David Otunga botch anything.

Kane gets up from all of this and he chargers after them. He’s a big, dumb animal folks.

Commercial.

Next month’s PPV is Extreme Rules, which is such a stupid idea. I loved Backlash, and as far as gimmicks go, having a Wrestlemania rematch PPV always drew eyeballs. Why burn off the best of the gimmick PPVs here?

Here comes Kurt Swangle and he looks like he just swallowed a lemon. I couldn’t be happier to see that he finally abandoned the retarded push-ups with his entrance.

Swangle promises that this is the first of many State of the Union addresses that he will be giving. He congratulates us for being part of history as we all got to witness him being world champion. He promises to be champion a long time so we should save our animosity and dole it out like approval from a stern father. Swangle talks about winning the ECW Title and then MITB and his victory has allowed him to become the perfect replacement for Shawn Michaels. So this makes him The Showstopping Opportunist, Kurt Swangle.

This draws out Chris Jericho, who has yet to bother putting a shirt on. Seriously, you’ll catch a cold. Jericho demands that Swangle give the title back before saying that this is the biggest theft in WWE History. Chris promises to take the title back quickly but this draws out Edge. Anyone else having déjà vu?

I don’t know but I’ll check with the kitchen.

Edge says that if Swangle wants to show what kind of champion he is, he would face Edge. Edge commends him for cashing in MITB before taking credit for Jericho being incapacitated. This draws out Teddy Long, Vince’s favorite neutered puppy.

Long says that Jericho has a rematch that he won’t take and Edge wants a rematch but he doesn’t have one. Solution: next week Jericho will face Edge for the #1 Contender slot. The winner gets to carry Swangle at Extreme Rules.

Jericho then hits the Codebreaker on Edge but Swangle then hits the Gut-Wrench Powerbomb on Jericho and finally on Edge.

Kurt Swangle is your new World Heavyweight Champion. It’s accurate, it’s accurate.

This has been for your consideration.