American Idol – Episode 9-29 Review

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The show opens with the 9 finalists in white outfits like they’re auditioning for Big Love. The highlights of last night are accompanied by the Beatles version of “Hey Jude.” Guess they want us to think they were all exciting gems on that stage. Ryan warns us to prepare for a surprise or two. Is Aaron on the chopping block? In the interest of full disclosure, I did call and vote for Tim Urban. The boy didn’t go sappy on the moptops unlike the numerous snoozefests.

Simon wears his charcoal grey sweater. Guess he got word of the Ed Hardy movement and wants to hide his t-shirts. They pimp the Idol Gives Back charity night. Simon will be donating never worn clothing to the auction. He frightened a fan would buy a used t-shirt to clone Simon off a chest hair? After skipping the group song last week, we get them lip syncing a Beatles medley. At first it sounds a little live, but a few kids flub their mouths. For all the contemporary talk, these kids look like they should be backing Sammy Davis Jr. in That’s Beatlemania. It’s another Cruise Ship worthy spectacular. They all end up in a row with their hands reaching towards the heavens. Somewhere in the after life, George Harrison is happy his few Beatles songs weren’t put through Simon Fuller’s A.I. Blandizer.

The kids are stuck on the sofa. We get stuck with the Ford “music video.” Remember when these were commercials? They’re singing Billy Preston’s “Circles” while looking through a kaleidoscope. Thrilling. Ryan announces it’s time to give out the harsh news of who is in the bottom three. Siobhan Magnus gets up first. Kara jabbers about why “Across the Universe” confused her. She confuses me. Ryan guides Siobhan to the middle of the stage. She doesn’t even get taken to the Bar Stools of Doom. Crystal Bowersox is also asked to join Siobhan Magnus. Are we getting teased to stretch the hour? Katie Stevens stands up next. Katie brings up her grandmother as her inspiration. But the emotional tug only leads to her heading the middle of the stage. Ryan asks Randy if any of the three girls should be sent home. Of course not. Crystal is immediately sent back to the sofa. Ryan admits one of them is safe and so is the other. Katie might have to go to the prom with a text messaging high schooler. Siobhan was saved by the tears. That means half of the guys are going to the stools. But before that moment we’re getting treated to Jason Derulo. Who?

Ryan lets us know that Derulo is a Kara discovery. He’ll be doing his two hits: “What You Say” and “In My Head.” He’s like an ‘80s castoff with his sneakers and spiked suitjacket. He’s like Rockwell Jr. with his Michael Jackson pilfered moments. Way to pimp your own acts, Kara. Maybe next week we’ll have her pool boy entertain us with his impersonation of Larry the Cable Guy. Derulo does a moonwalk. Does he hope Corey Feldman will stalk him? He’s like Chris Brown without the girlfriend abuser tag. Kara is up and clapping. What are the odds of that happening? Kara lathers him up. Simon calls it great. Not old fashioned, Simon?

They skip revealing the bottom three to bring out past runner-up David Archuleta to do John Lennon’s “Imagine.” He’s still a puberty superstar in his vocals. Why once more do they have a John Lennon song during “Lennon-McCartney” night. Why no solo act compositions from the Macca? Is this Simon Fuller’s revenge for Sir Paul sending only a video message to the show? How about letting Tim Urban do “Band on the Run?” Ryan looks thrilled to stand next to someone more Keebler Elf sized than himself. Joel McHale can’t make fun of this shot on The Soup. Or will he?

Ryan will form two groups at the bottom of the stage to separate the guys. Which will be the group of doom? Will one group have to play skins to the other side’s shirts? Lee DeWyze gives a wishy washy answer about his confidence. He’s sent to the far side of the stage. Michael Lynche gets sent to the near side. Casey James gets sent to the far side with DeWyze. Aaron Kelly gets tagged by Simon as an impersonator of the original artist. He gets sent next to Big Mike. Tim Urban gets the girlies screaming when he stands up. Tim is sent over to Lee and Casey. Andrew Garcia goes next to Mike and Aaron. One group is safe. The other is the bottom three. Ryan puts Ellen on the spot to guess which is the bottom three. She guesses Andrew, Mike and Aaron. After boos, she corrects herself to get a chuckle from the audience and points at Tim, Casey and Lee. She should have stuck with her first guess. Aaron, Andrew and Mike are the bottom three vote getters.

Tim Urban looks completely shocked that he ended up at least 4th from the bottom. Tim will now have to wait at least two performances before he hits the stage on the Idol tour. Simon’s “be nice” plan to suffocate the vote for Tim movement has failed. It’d be sweet if Tim goes all the way so his career is linked forever with Simon’s genius. Maybe Tim and Taylor Hicks could hit the road as a duo act?

Ryan quickly announces that Aaron Kelly is safe. There goes my predicted upset. Still shocking to see Andrew in the bottom two after never having to leave the sofa. What has happened to his voting block? Did they start watching Dancing With the Stars?

Michael and Andrew look in complete shock on the bar stools of doom. But there fate must wait until Rihanna climbs around the stage in a tight fitting fetish suit. She’s telling us that she’s a rock star. There’s a fake grinder girl in the background. Does David Letterman’s Grinder Girl know about this impostor. This song is more like being a pop star posing as a rock star. This song lacks rock star credibility. She picks up a black flying V and holds it like a toddler playing Guitar Hero. She can’t lip sync and fake play guitar. Thankfully no one gave her gum before the song or she’d fall over in her rock star boots. This was another fine mess spilt all over the American Idol stage.

Andrew and Mike still look in utter shock that they’re the bottom two after 132 million votes. Ryan takes a deep breath before announcing Andrew Garcia is safe. Big Mike must sing for his life. Will they give up the safety card? He goes back to Maxwell’s version of Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work.” The girls in the audience are crying. Even with the threat of being an opening act to Tim Urban, Big Mike keeps it tight. He hits the deep big note and comes back with the falsetto. His best performance on the show. Can Simon send a daddy back to the tour rehearsal room for the next two months? Ryan asks Simon for an answer. He goes on about only having one save for the competition. The answer is that Michael will be coming back next week. Big Mike beats his chest like he’s been swimming relays with Michael Phelps. At least I was right about the save being used. Next week two contestants will be sent packing. Also they’re going to mess with the time so that it ends at 9:28 p.m. with Glee going until 10:30 p.m. Set your DVRs accordingly.

Joe Corey is the writer and director of "Danger! Health Films" currently streaming on Night Flight and Amazon Prime. He's the author of "The Seven Secrets of Great Walmart People Greeters." This is the last how to get a job book you'll ever need. He was Associate Producer of the documentary "Moving Midway." He's worked as local crew on several reality shows including Candid Camera, American's Most Wanted, Extreme Makeover Home Edition and ESPN's Gaters. He's been featured on The Today Show and CBS's 48 Hours. Dom DeLuise once said, "Joe, you look like an axe murderer." He was in charge of research and programming at the Moving Image Archive.