For Your Consideration…Jolly Good Monday Knight RAW that You Hoff to See

For Your Consideration…Jolly Good Monday Knight RAW that You Hoff to See

Welcome to the (slightly late) For Your Consideration. That’s my fault. I thought in honor of RAW emanating from London that I would set my clocks to British time, and long story short, I lost about six hours of my day. But don’t worry, the column is here and we will back to our regularly scheduled slot next Monday Night. So, since this thing is only about ten hours past due, let’s get down to business (but not before the shameless plugs; so you can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com, friend me on Facebook or just post a comment in the section down below…whew).

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW – April 12, 2010.

“Andre the Giant.”

We open with the internationally crappy Nickelback theme. Just a few reminders while in England; an elevator is called a lift and botulism is called steak and kidney pie. We are TAPED from London in the O2 arena, and how excited am I that Michael Cole made it through customs?

Tonight Randy Orton faces Batista. But first, the crowd chants Hoff and people come out dressed as druids carrying pictures of David Hasselhoff. Sure enough, there he is, out in a Knight Rider car wearing a sparkly jacket. We get a snippet of his hit song, that was #1 in Germany, which once again proves my theory that Germans love David Hasselhoff.

The druids rip off their robes and they’re hot women. Shocker. The Hoff promises a Hofftastic night and he feels Hoffsome. Hey, leave the puns to the pros. “The Hoff has finally come back to Monday Night RAW.” He is really hamming it up, so for those of you keeping kosher, slide away from your television.

Hasselhoff says that he knows how to throw a party that we’ll never forget…or remember. Speaking of rufies…

Tonight we have a Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team Match. Winner gets a Unified Tag Team Title Shot (Just seeing if you’re paying attention). Hoff says that he was watching Smackdown and since there’s no #1 Contender, he books Kurt Swangle against…Randy Orton. Wait…what? So I guess we’re getting Edge/Jericho in their own gimmick? Well, they didn’t have anything for Orton to do on the PPV, so I guess this move makes sense. Then again, most ideas sound better coming from The Hoff.

He now brings out the Divas. Eve Torres is out first and I’m noticing that she isn’t wearing a bathing suit. How the hell does this have anything to do with Baywatch? That show commands a certain level of integrity. Oh wait, this isn’t the tag match, it’s Eve versus Maryse. Well, since a title always has to change hands per the Geneva Convention, I guess it’ll be her losing her Tramp Stamp Title. So for those of you keeping score, a German national hero is screwing over a French woman in favor of a Spanish woman in England. Me thinks World War III can’t be far behind (and I ain’t talking about a WCW PPV).

Eve and Maryse slap one another inside and outside the ring and my fiancé is distracted by Maryse’s awful looking hair extensions. Eve goes for a top rope moonsault but she misses. Maryse shows her awesomeness by laughing uncontrollably at the sound of Eve hitting the mat. Either that or she couldn’t contain herself at the oversell that Eve did. Maryse goes for the DDT but Eve rolls her up and that’ll do it. We have a new Queen Tramp. Congrats Eve, who thankfully is wearing a silver shiny outfit that matches her shiny silver title. Remember, you dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

The Biz are in the back and they are walking towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and we relive the thrilling moment where David Otunga betrayed John Cena. Absolutely thrilling. I haven’t been able to sleep for days.

Here comes The Biz, who has enough gold to bail out Greece. Okay, probably not, because Greece is royally fucked. Maybe they could bail out Malta. Don’t worry, this concludes the World Geography portion of the evening.

Big Show has the mic and he says that he’s changed his opinion of The Miz and he now believes that they are a great team. Miz says that Show has a big frame and a small ego. Miz proclaims The Biz the greatest tag team in history. Charlie Haas would come out to defend himself but he couldn’t get time off from LA Fitness. Miz says that the fans have no credibility when it comes to picking the greatest tag team, but this gets cut off by Bret Hart. Hmm, guess he saved some of his frequent flier miles.

Bret gets a rockstar ovation before he rips into The Biz. He says that he can name two tag teams better than them; The Hart Foundation and The British Bulldogs. Don’t forget Well Dunn, Techno Tag Team 2000 and The Blu Brothers. Miz says that Hoff isn’t the only 90’s star that’s delusional. Miz has line of the night when he says that he could put a Sharpshooter on Bret faster than Hart could put sunglasses on an ugly kid. Big Show then tries to warn Bret to leave, but Hart isn’t ready to leave because there’s a team in the back that can beat them. Hey, here comes The Hart Dynasty. I sure hope Bret was talking about them, because if not, this could get awkward.

Hart says that he wrestled DH’s dad at Summerslam, but Miz points out that this has nothing to do with anything going on in the ring. DH grabs the mic and he issues a challenge to face Miz one-on-one tonight. If he wins, The Hart Dynasty gets a PPV payday…I mean a tag title shot. Wow Miz, you have accept, because there’s all downside and no upside. Miz adds a stipulation that if he wins, next week on RAW Bret Hart has to declare that The Biz is the best of all time. We get a Hart huddle, and when they break, they accept the counteroffer.

Commercial.

We’re back and the match is underway. DH lifts Miz up for a Bulldog-esque standing suplex for two. Miz kicks Smith in the head, which I’m not sure is going to do a lot of damage. Miz goes for the top rope and hits a double-axe handle for two. Wow, someone brought that move back? I’m gonna have to give that a thumbs up. Miz now locks in a modified camel clutch. Smith breaks free and connects with a scoop slam for two. Miz small packages Smith for two but eats a belly-to-belly suplex for two. Smith charges Miz in the corner, but he moves and DH eats the Cocky Corner Clothesline. Miz then climbs to the top rope to go for the double-axe handle but he eats a boot to the face. Smith goes for the Sharpshooter, because apparently any member of the Hart Family can perform that move. Tyson Kidd charges Show but eats a Knockout Punch. Smith goes for the running powerslam but Big Show punches Smith in the kidney and Miz hits the SCF for the pin.

Commercial.

We’re back and we get a senseless video package of the senseless David Otunga’s senseless attack.

Otunga and Batista are in the back and Dave says that he reminds him of a young Batista. Well I didn’t see much of Dave’s OVW footage, so I can’t answer that. Batista sends Otunga to fetch his coffee. Hoff, flanked by the Bella Twins, run into Otunga. Hoff says that Otunga was invited by John Cena, and that gets him heat with the fans. Can’t say I blame them. Hoff says that we’ll get Cena/Otunga tonight before talking to KITT.

Commercial.

Hey, it’s Evan Bourne. And he’s getting an entrance? Wow, we must be abroad. His opponent is Carl Ito, who doesn’t even get an entrance. Bounre and Carl lock up in the center of the ring and Ito goes on the offensive early. Bourne dodges a charge and he hits a top rope hurricarana. Bourne then unleashes some kicks before Carl dumps him on his head. Cole then says that Carl has been in control thusfar, which I guess means he missed all of Bourne’s offense. But to be fair, he was doing an incredible job telling us a story. They are storytellers after all.

Bourne gets some more Token Offense before eating a boot. Carl hits a suplex for two and Cole calls the move with such disdain that it’s like listening to a Fox News anchor praising Obama. Bourne then starts with more Token Offense before hitting another hurricarana. He charges Carl in the corner and hit’s a lighting fast bronco buster for two. Carl then armdrags Bourne INTO the turnbuckle. Carl goes for a top rope Backstabber but Bourne blocks it and hits the 450 Cold and Flu Prevention Splash for the pin.

Commercial.

The KFC Double-Down: Because Not Everyone Wants to Live to See Next Week

We’re back and here comes John Cena. He’s got a very tough task on his hands as he wrestles this generation’s Batista. My hope is that he doesn’t pull a Batista and break Cena’s neck. Otunga is joined by Batista. David then pulls off his tear-away pants and walks to the ring. Super.

So for those of you keeping track, the winner of NXT gets to face a champion and Otunga is already wrestling John Cena. Cena grabs a hammerlock before just running through a multitude of restholds. This should have been a ten second match with Cena locking in the STFU. Instead, I feel like I’m watching Cena try to carry Otunga without having to expose himself to injuries. Otunga shows that he can handle locking up for a test of strength, but he clearly cannot sell a punch. There is a five-second delay on every fist. He then botches taking a suplex. This, folks, is why people hate David Otunga.

Cena throws Otunga down and he invited Batista to the ring. Dave chuckles and Cena hits Otunga with a clothesline. He now finally locks in the STFU and that’ll be it. On the plus side, Otunga didn’t get any offense and Cena made it look like he was toying with him. On the negative side, Otunga looked sloppy taking simple bumps from the world champion.

Dave gets angry at his sweater-vest and rips it off before he commands for his spotlight. The fans chant that he tapped out. He stops halfway down the ramp, turns tail and bolts. Cocky Batista is the best.

Commercial.

Hey, here comes Sheamus. A fan in the crowd has a sign that he needs a tan. When someone from England calls you pale, you’ve hit a new low. “Lus week, Chiple Ache said aye made uh mistake bringin a pupe to a sludgehummer fight. See, Da Game only brings uh sludgehummer when he’s facin’ someone he’s afraiduf. At Extreme Rulz, ew and eye are gonna fight in a street fight. Dublin Ireland is the toughest town in thu world. Chiple Ache, jus buy showin up, ull be da one makin a mistake, and it’ll be a mistake ul be regrettin’ da rest of ya carrer.” This bring out that jobber that looks like Kofi Kingston. Wait, that IS Kofi Kingston. Well I’ll be damned.

Kofi says that if Sheamus thinks that Kingston wouldn’t get revenge then he’s sadly mistaken. “Felluh, if you don’t tuhn awound…” Kofi says that he talked to Hoff, and tonight they are going to have a match tonight. He’s like a persistent gnat. Unfortunately, Sheamus is a bug zapper.

Sheamus pounds away on Kofi to start but Kofi gets in some kicks. Sheamus berates the ref for allowing those but gets taken down by a dropkick. Sheamus gets launched to the outside. Sheamus slides back in but gets hit by a top rope dropkick. Sheamus charges with a double-fist chop and both ends of the color spectrum are down. Sheamus hits a Roy G Biv kneelift that sends Kingston to the outside. He then whips him back in and connects with a slam for two. Sheamus now again goes to the outside for a second before coming right back to the ring apron. Kofi starts firing off more kicks because apparently he wishes he was in Legacy. “Kingston has come to fight.” No shit, Cole.

Kofi hits the Boom Boom Boom before very loudly telegraphing his top turnbuckle punches gimmick. Kofi ducks the Bicycle Kick and he connects with Trouble in Paradise but Sheamus grabs the bottom rope. That’s not ghanna do it for Sheamus. Sheamus AGAIN goes to the outside and he nails Kofi with a monitor. Well, they did say television could be harmful.

Sheamus drives Kofi into the pole a few times. Well, better than a car bomb.

Commercial.

Carl shows up in Hoff’s office. Kozlov is there and he’s bitching that he hasn’t had a match in weeks. Ito says that the Guest Hosts don’t care about him and if he doesn’t get traded to Smackdown then he’ll quit. Kozlov says that next week when the cast of “MacGruber” hosts, he’ll get what he wants or destroy the cast of “MacGruber”. Me thinks hilarity doth ensue.

Randy Ortin is in the back with his mini-me Josh Matthews. Orton says that Extreme Rules means that he’ll do anything, including sending the Chairman to the hospital. Poor Sinatra. Randy says that he is the last man Swangle should ever want to step in the ring with, especially now that Khali is out of the picture. Orton says that he’s been looking forward to taking out Batista for a long time. Well I’m glad he finally worked up the nerve to ask him out.

The Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Match is up. There’s a lifeguard stand and here comes The Hoff, and he’s decked out in Baywatch gear. So far we’ve covered most of his career. Quick, get him a bottle of booze and a cheeseburger.

First out is Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly, and they run out in slow motion in red bikinis.

Commercial.

Kelly and Jillian Hall start it off and apparently Santino is the ref. One of the Bella Twins gets tagged in but she gets her hair grabbed by Rosa Mendes. Well this is just super. Mayhem ensues and one of the Bellas pins Rosa. Santino blows his whistle at Jillian, but she shoves it down his throat. He faints and the girls call for a lifeguard. Out comes the fucking midget dressed like a lifeguard. A pox on their houses.

Commercial.

Next week is hosted by some funny, funny people.

We get snapshots of the WWE European Tour before I start to hear voices. Batista comes out next, complete with his spotlight, which is on the wrong side of the ramp. Batista and Orton lock up and Randy gets pushed into the corner. Orton grabs a headlock, and Batista shows his apprentice David Otunga how to sell that move properly. They lock up again and Orton gets another headlock. Randy hammers away on Batista and Dave pulls a Sheamus and leaves the ring. He slides back in and gets hit with an inverted backbreaker before Orton starts stomping the hell out of him.

Batista dodges a kneedrop and now he’s in control. He whips Orton out of the ring and into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and it appears that Batista killed Orton. Unfortunately, that massacre during the break only got a two count, because commercial offense isn’t as potent as live (or live to tape) offense. Dave grabs a front facelock but Orton breaks free. Dave takes him down with a clothesline before dismantling the announce table. He starts breaking monitors. Hey, don’t steal Jim Neidhart’s gimmick.

Batista goes to throw Orton into the table but Randy blocks it and slams Dave headfirst. He goes to climb into the ring but gets kicked in the head. Oh, sweet irony. Dave gets a two count for his troubles. He then calls upon the power of the crazy eyes and charges for a Spear. Randy kicks him and throws him into the ringpost. The fans cover his spot call by chanting for an RKO. Instead, we get punches. Lots and lots of punches.

Dave goes for a suplex but it gets reversed and Randy hits a scoopslam. He then starts humping the mat, which means it’s either RKO time or he really likes the canvas. Orton then abandons his plan and he goes for the punt but Dave rolls outside. Randy follows him but he gets his eyes raked. Orton runs into the ring and hits the second rope DDT for two. Randy seems shocked that his transition move didn’t put him away, so he goes back to pounding the mat. His RKO attempt gets countered into a spinebuster. Batista starts Warrioring up and he gives this match a thumbs down. Orton slides up out of nowhere and hits a “stunning” RKO. Thanks again Cole. He goes for the pin but Swangle runs in and hits the Olympic Powerbomb. Cena then runs out of nowhere and locks in the STFU on Batista. Dave is out cold, and after a passable RAW, so am I.

This has been for your consideration.