For Your Consideration…MacGRAWber

For Your Consideration…MacGRAWber

Alright, welcome back. Well, this has certainly proved to be an exciting week, right? Seriously, it’s crazy to think that in all of the years that the WWE has been on television, this has only happened a handful of times. You have to love the spontaneity of a live show, folks.

Due to a series of time constraints, my preamble is going to be shorter than normal, but I first want to apologize for being late last week. I’ve been really good about getting these things up as soon as the show is over, though thanks to a very active site recently (love all those posts!), my column last week might have gotten lost in the shuffle. Eh, serves me right for being late. But you’ll never have to worry about missing an FYC post if you follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316 or if you friend me on Facebook (just search Andrew Wheeler and look for the picture that has my icon on it, since apparently some folks have been friending another Andrew Wheeler and he’s not overly thrilled about it. On a side note, go fuck yourself other Wheeler). Alright, enough shameless whoring, time to get down to business.

First, there’s the obvious 500 pound volcano in the room. You know what? I say that this is a good thing for the WWE. Seriously, when was the last time they had to just throw together a show at the eleventh hour? I’ll tell you when; when Eddie Guerrero died. The two Eddie shows were written that day (since he passed on a Sunday and there was a SuperShow taping that night) and it turned into four hours of great wrestling. I would also include the Benoit show, but that one still feels a little too raw (pardon the pun) this many years later.

One of the best episodes ever of RAW was when the majority of the WWE roster was overseas in Europe and Vince took a risk and let ECW invade. Sure, it was a way to promote ECW’s first PPV, but it also gave the WWE an edgy feel that up to that point they really didn’t have. I’m really curious to see what they do tonight, and am actually more excited than I originally was because of the guest hosts (I am a MacGruber mark and how could anyone not love Kristen Wiig? Andy Samberg, on the other hand, winked at my fiancé during a tour of 30 Rock and he’s now on my list.)

Speaking of insane threats, the Jim Cornette/Vince Russon/Eric Bischoff thing certainly grew legs pretty quickly, didn’t it? Look, everyone knew that Jim was just spouting off as he tends to do, and for Russo or Bischoff to take this as anything more than puffery is laughable. They both want to embarrass the guy who keeps calling them out for ruining TNA and for “telling it like it is.” Of course he’s going to be over the top and outrageous. Have they never heard him before? And to anyone that seriously believes that he needs help, get a life. Seriously. This is all about going after the guy who’s going after you and it’s bush league.

And of course I’m totally unbiased despite the fact that Mr. Cornette had once e-mailed me to say that he loved my column. After all, lawyers always stay impartial.

Lastly, there was the news last week that Smackdown is going to SyFi. First off, let me just say that this is awesome news! MyNetwork started out as a terrible idea and has just snowballed into a major catastrophe of a net-let. It isn’t a real network anymore, and having Smackdown on there did nothing but to tarnish the show’s good name. That’s right, a network sunk so low that IT was giving wrestling a bad name. When The CW made the foolish mistake of cutting Smackdown loose, I said it was going to bite them in the ass and it did. The CW never found anything to replace Friday Night Smackdown on their lineup, and the loss had to have cost them a ton of money. MyNetwork felt a lot like when the WWE went to The Nashville Network, however (without getting too deep into the explanation of syndication) MyNetwork never surrounded Smackdown with original programming. It essentially became a throwback UHF station, and the fact that Smackdown continued to draw as many viewers as it did is simply a testament to the loyalty of the WWE audience. Seriously, we will follow wrestling to pretty much any network.

Honestly, though, I’m shocked that USA didn’t try to just snap this one up as well. By being the (almost) exclusive home of all WWE products, the ratings for USA on Fridays would ensure that they would hands down beat TNT in terms of overall viewership. Instead, they are going to use Smackdown to lure us wrestling fans into their other programming. It’s a smart move, as people would think that sci-fi geeks and wrestling geeks would watch the same thing, but with the exception of an occasional “Twilight Zone” around the holidays during a marathon, I don’t really watch the channel. But hey, at least this should help make Smackdown more secure if/when MyNetwork goes under.

Alright already, enough of my blabbering, on to the….

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 4/19/10

“Yessir we promised you a great main event tonight.”

Too bad that main event is on the other side of the ocean. Bazinga.

We open with the live crowd buzzing and I hear the music of the only guy that was smart enough to sit this show out; Triple H. The Game is decked out in a baseball cap, a t-shirt, and no pants. He kinda looks like that drunk uncle you’d keep away from the kids. Michael Cole calls him one of the biggest superstars ever in the history of wrestling, and like it or not, that’s actually a true statement.

We are live from the IZOD Center in the LaCoste Pavilion across from the Polo Stadium. You know, because those are all clothing lines. It works, trust me.

Hunter spits and poses and spits and poses, which I’m pretty sure is how Swine Flu was caused. Unfortunately, due to Sheamus being trapped in Europe, we won’t get any amazing Sheamus promo tonight (Sorry Rey).

“Okay, don’t suck up to me because I’m the only guy here.” Well I guess they’re calling a spade a spade. Hunter says that a giant volcano erupted twice in Iceland, and the volcano gets heel heat. Triple H says this isn’t a big deal because they’re used to giant gaseous eruptions, and I smell a fart joke. Yep, the punchline was that Big Show emits foul smelling farts. Hilarious.

Triple H says that he’ll now wrestle Frank the audio guy for two hours in an Iron Man match, but he said that won’t happen. Hunter says that there will be a show of the highest standards. Hell, they could have monkeys in a knife fight and that would be higher standards than TNA. Triple H then calls Sheamus a pasty faced teabag. Hunter says that if Sheamus is bad then Triple H is deadly. He’s serious. Hunter killed a guy. He should probably lay low for a while, find a safe house.

Holy shit, it’s CM Punk. Well, I guess I know who’s jobbing to Hunter tonight. Punk is walking out with Luke Gallows and Serena, and it’s ironic that as they preach straight edge all I can wonder is if there are enough drugs on the planet to make that bald gal attractive.

Punk (and his awesome beard) say that they’re fortunate that the Smackdown crew had the intestinal fortitude to make it through the volcanic ash. So now Punk is stealing the volcano’s heat (re-read that and it’ll make sense). Punk says he has two words for ya, “Jersey sucks.” Fuckin’ a’ right, Jersey Style. As a man proud to be a product of New York, I will gladly welcome someone that hates Jersey.

Punk says that next week after the draft, he could be on RAW with the rest of the Straight Edge Society. Hunter asks why they have to shave their heads when he doesn’t. He also asks if Serena shaves her chest. Classy, TV-PG. Punk says that he’s like Hunter, because while Shawn was bald, Hunter kept his hair. CM Punk says that no chemicals have ever touched his hair. Hunter makes the obvious shampoo joke. I guess they couldn’t get the SNL writers for this show but instead got the guys from MadTV. Wow, that show sucked.

Hunter says that Punk has a hair match with Mysterio, so by next week he might be bald. Punk says that Hunter is as naïve as the crowd. They then respond in unison that they aren’t Indians. Is it too much to hope that at some point tonight Governor Patterson will show up?

Punk says that Hunter could make his life better and in turn make their lives better by joining Straight Edge. Triple H says that he believes in freedom. This is America and I’m an American. Apparently Hunter is channeling Stan Marsh. Hunter then sucks up to the crowd by saying they chose to come out to the show. He then does talk to the audience, which is always death.

Hunter says that if some shmuck ringside wants to get as much beer as he wants, he can. If two older white guys want to celebrate their union, they could go to another state and do that. So we’re celebrating drinking in excess and mocking gays. Hunter then walks over to Lillian Garcia to horse around (you know, because she looks like a horse), she can because this is America. Is it weird that I forgot that Lillian wasn’t still on RAW? Guess that’s how memorable she was.

Triple H then shows he’s all business because he turns his hat around. Punk says that RAW is stuck in Europe but he’s stuck in…New Jersey. CM Punk says that with Hunter being the cerebral one, maybe he’d see the light and start RAW off with something huge. But enough about Mickie James…

Punk says he isn’t asking Hunter, he’s telling him. Gallows tries to grab Hunter but he almost eats a Pedigree. This then turns into the gang-rape scene from “Shawshank Redemption” as Punk delivers about ten elbows to Hunter (but not before pausing to let out a maniacal laugh). He pulls out clippers but he becomes frozen by Rey Mysterio’s music. Rey lays out Punk and Hunter and Rey dump Gallows. Mysterio has the clippers now and he’s threatening to shave Punk. Hunter holds CM back and Rey shaves a lock of his hair. Rey then looks at Punk’s hair with perverse joy. So in the 21st Century, the minority wrestler just scalped the white guy. Progress, thy name is RAW.

Commercial.

We’re back and Drew McIntyre and Matt Hardy are in the ring and there’s the bell. Wow no entrance for either guy. Thanks a lot volcano, now I get to watch a Matt Hardy match. Super.

Hardy and Drew battle to the outside and McIntyre rams his head into the steel steps. The replay is brought to you by the KFC Double Down, which will do more damage to you than steel steps to the skull. Drew whips him back into the ring to pound away on Matt as Michael Cole calls the Draft an annual spring rite of passage. Uh huh.

Hardy hits the Side Effect for two. Drew takes control again and goes for his DDT but Matt backdrops him out of it. He then goes for the Twist of Fate but Drew breaks it up and they bump heads. The complete and total lack of interest by the WWE fans is insane. Matt goes to the top rope but Drew yanks him off and Hardy’s head bounces off the mat again. Apparently that’s it. So Drew won because Matt had bumped his head earlier.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Causal Male” Cole are on camera to throw us to John Cena, who is “live” from Belfast. Cena says that they are stranded in Belfast but tell the wrestlers’ families and mistresses that they are all okay. Cena says that he is ready for Sunday and he’ll swim across the Atlantic Ocean to fight Batista. Yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and say that this might not be a safe idea. John Cena promises to beat Batista and the Champ will be here. Wait, the champ will be in Ireland?

Commercial.

Next week is the draft, so buckle up for three hours of Shelton Benjamin being bounced from show to show.

We’re back and its MacGruber time.

We get the hilarity of Vladamir Kozlov live in the ring. Why oh why couldn’t he be on the plane? He has been treated unfairly and he demands that Jerry Lawler reads his statement. The statement says that the Guest Hosts have been screwing him over and he demands elite competition. The statement says that the fans are all spoiled, ignorant Americans. They are physically inferior and thus weak. Worst of all, they are from a state devoid of class or integrity. He calls it the single most depressing place on earth. They then get cheap heat by saying that the crazy Russian guy will buy the Nets and move it to Brooklyn.

This gets interrupted by MacGruber’s theme song. Oh man, this is gonna be great. Here comes MacGruber and Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) holding American flags. Well, now this is officially Monday Night Live.

MacGruber makes Vicki read a statement that America is the winner of the Cold War and tonight, CM Punk, Luke Gallows and Chris Jericho will face Triple H, Rey Mysterio and Edge. MacGruber then defends New Jersey and says that some of the greatest Americans of all time are from there; Jon Bon Jovi, Paul Blart, Snookie, and The Situation. Kozlov isn’t treated with respect because he is a giant pile of suck. Clearly MacGruber reads the ‘net. MacGruber then insults Kozlov’s mother by saying that the most depressing place in the world is Mrs. Kozlov’s uterus. Vicki says that her uterus is awesome. Kozlov says he will destroy him later tonight. MacGruber says that he’ll book Kozlov against…oh fuck me…R-Truth. Seriously, I hate this volcano.

R-Truth dances and sings about what’s up, and the answer is ash. MacGruber has rigged the entire building with explosives and they both go back and forth with “What’s ups” but apparently the explosives blew and MacGruyber just killed R-Truth. Best RAW ever. All that’s left are his smoking shoes.

Kozlov says he will see MacGruber later tonight and he will destroy him.

Commercial.

We get another MacGruber song, complete with customized lyrics. MacGruber can’t get the exit door to open and Hunter shows up. Oh, and MacGruber peed himself. That’s slightly depressing to see him stoop to that level of comedy. Long story short, we get a lot of pee pants jokes. Apparently the pants belong to Kane. And there he is. Hunter reiterates how Kane pissed himself and gave MacGruber his pants. Kane then implies that he shit himself.

Randy Orton is “live” from Belfast. Orton says that there was a lot of talk about the future of the World Title. Randy says that after Extreme Rules, Orton will take the title to whatever show he’s on. That was short and sweet.

Kurt Swangle is in the back and he looks pissed…or lost…

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes the Ultimate American Opportunistic Weasel, Kurt Swangle. Swangle says that he would have shown Orton why he was the champion, so how can he show him that he is the champ? My guess is just show him the GIANT gold belt around his waist. That’s a pretty clear indication. Swangle issues an open invitation. He says that normally open challenges are answered by monsters, but no one can beat him.

The challenge is answered by…well, no one at first. Then, there’s a loud gong. Wow, the WWE is not screwing around tonight to give the fans a good show. Sure enough, here comes The Undertaker, who is still dressed as the Phenomenal Undertaker.

The fans start chanting for Taker and the two of them lock up. Wow, it is amazing how much more orange Swangle has gotten. Swangle takes Taker down with a shoulder-block but Taker synches in a headlock.

Taker gets some punches in before busting out Old School. Had Cole called that vintage Old School, my brain would have imploded. Taker then continues to throw punches but Swangle hits a scoopslam for two. Taker rolls to the outside. Swangle whips him into the steel steps before rolling him back into the ring. Swangle is now going after Taker’s leg. This is a very, what’s a polite term, methodical pace.

Taker takes control again and he sets Swangle up for the apron legdrop, and THAT Cole calls vintage. Is there a way next week that Michael Cole gets drafted to TNA? Please?

Taker hits a snap suplex on Swangle for two before locking in a resthold. He’s lulling the audience into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and you’re watching the longest running action adventure home gardening show on cable. Swangle is still working the knee for about ten minutes. He then rams Taker’s leg into the ringpost. Swangle goes for a two-count before locking in that leg resthold again. Holy crap this is dull…and I’m a Swangle fan.

The two men get back to their feet and they trade blows but Swangle kicks his injured leg. Taker then pulls out a DDT for two. He then sets up Swangle for Snake-Eyes and then follows it up with a boot.

Swangle gets the upper hand and he sets up Taker for the running Vader Bomb, but as he’s about to land, he gets caught with a Chokeslam. Undertaker then sets him up for a Tombstone for the pinfall. Cole turns this into a Jimmy Hoffa joke. I shit you not.

Commercial.

We’re back and we get a trailer for MacGruber.

In the back, Jericho is with Luke and Punk (who is wearing a towel on his head, making him look more and more like Osama bin Laden). Jericho says that they have a plan and they need to stick with it. Jericho then runs into MacGruber and Vicki. Chris says that he might get an Oscar nod for his cameo in the MacGruber movie. He then sings his own theme song, and I kinda miss old school Chris Jericho. MacGruber asks for some advice and Jericho says that he should offer to shake Kozlov’s hand. Then he should smack him in the face. MacGruber then hugs Jericho and Vicki says that he looks shiny.

Commercial.

Kozlov is already in the ring because you never want to give your own stars an entrance when you can give one to Will Forte. MacGruber comes to the ring and they go chin-to-eye. MacGruber extends his hand and smacks Vladimir in the face. Kozlov grabs him and delivers headbutts to MacGruber, who is not really good at selling those. He then lifts MacGruber up to deliver his finisher but this gets interrupted by Ryan Philippe. Apparently this match is now a handicap match and MacGruber’s tag partner is his half brother Khaluber. This then leads to an amazing video package and here comes Khaluber, complete with feathered hair. This is pure magic, folks.

I never thought I’d be happy to see Khali against Kozlov. Khaluvber wails on Kozlov a few times before delivering chops. Kozlov then administers some headbutts but he eats a chop and flees to the outside.

Khali chases him up the ramp and it’s a count-out. The actors celebrate as MacGruber plugs Shrek 4. There’s another pyro explosion and he pimps MacGruber on May 21st.

Commercial.

We’re back just in time to relive the Batista/Cena feud and recap Extreme Rules. And here comes The Game.

BUT WAIT…because guess who pops up on screen. It’s Sheamus, complete with what appears to be a reject from The Miz’s closet. “Chiple Ache, aye herd ya urlier how forchunate it wuz dat eue didn’ come oversees wit us. You culdn be mure write, fellah. Aye know ewe culdn be on RAW las week but I’m sure what ah did to Kofi Kingston. I know we’re tree tousand miles away, but ahm gunna tell ya, no…amh gonna show yah.” Sheamus then beats up a production guy. Hey, don’t mess with your below-the-line staff, you jerk.

Commercial.

We’re back and Edge is on RAW. Rey gets the final entrance for the faces. Straight Edge Society are out next, and finally here comes Chris Jericho.

Well, I’m not gonna lie, the WWE pulled off a great RAW on the fly. Sure, this is a meaningless six man tag match, but it’s highlighting two big matches for Extreme Rules and giving the live audience a great contest.

Jericho and Rey start it off and Rey goes for a 619 but Jericho flees. Hunter then launches Rey over the top rope onto all three heels.

Commercial.

We’re back and Punk and Edge are going at it. Rey goes for a running bulldog but he gets driven into the corner and then CM tags in Festus. Gallows delivers a few elbows before going for an unsuccessful pin. Luke then wails away on Rey before tagging in Jericho. I wonder if Jesse is watching this somewhere and is weeping.

Jericho drops Rey and brings back the classic “brush my hands clean” move. Rey starts kicking Jericho’s leg and goes for a tag. Chris springboards Mysterio into the turnbuckle live from the fashionable clothing center. Rey hits a springboard moonsault off the second rope for two and in comes Luke and Edge.

Edge takes out Punk before dropping Gallows. Apparently Edge and Jericho is a steel cage match, by the way. Edge gets his ankle clipped on the outside before being tossed into the ring. Punk starts to stomp away at the injury before tagging in Jericho.

Chris continues to work over the ankle as the goal here is to put on a good match with as little a risk of injury as possible. Punk gets tagged in and grabs a leglock. Punk tags in Gallows, which of course opens the door for the hot tag.

Punk and Hunter wind up in the ring and Hunter connects with a high knee. He then delivers the knee lift and a clothesline. It’s auto-pilot Hunter but it’s effective. He then goes for the Pedigree on Punk but eats a clothesline from Gallows. Rey comes out of nowhere and connects with the seated senton. Edge dumps Jericho and Punk eats a 619 into a Pedigree for the pinfall.

The faces all pose in the ring, and what an explosive evening (What? I resisted making a volcano joke all night.)

This has been for your consideration.