Paul Marshall here…making less money then Christy Hemme, but more money than Awesome Kong (and I’m kidding). Conan’s going to TBS and all is well, so let’s kick it off…
IT’S KIT! Wait, what? He’s not guest host? Oh, it’s his driver, David Hasselhoff. Oh well. Let’s GET RAW!
KNIGHT RIDER FTW! If Kit talks tonight’s RAW will be an A+ automatically. Hasselhoff is over in England and he is going to throw a party that we’ll never forget. We get a special Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team match tonight. He also witnessed that Jack Swagger has no challenger for the World Heavyweight Championship, so Hasselhoff annoints Randy Orton as the #1 Contender! We also get Orton/Batista in our main event.
But first…
WWE Diva’s Championship: Eve Torres v. Maryse
Bell rings and Maryse bitchslaps Eve to start things off. This pisses Eve off and she chokes Maryse until she takes a powder outside the ring. Maryse follows and she gets taken to school by Maryse. Back inside, Eve tries to battle back and she sends Maryse to the corner. Elbow blocks the charge, but Eve rebounds with a neckbreaker. On the ropes…MOONSAULT MISSES! Maryse laughs because she seen that a mile away. More slaps to follow and Maryse looks for the French Kiss, but Eve blocks and gets a cover for the three!
Winner: Eve Torres
Grade: C-
ShowMiz makes their way out towards the ring.
Commercials.
The Heart Attack known as the KFC Double Down presents to us how John Cena got screwed by his guest hosting tag team partner last week. Sadly, the BK Quad Stacker still has honors as the original Heart Attack.
Big Show has a new-found opinion on the Miz and that they are going to be a strong cohesive unit. Miz proclaim themselves the best tag team in the business.
He repeats it and is interrupted by Bret Hart! Bret can name off tag teams better than ShowMiz. The Hart Foundation and The British Bulldogs. Miz recovers from the verbal abuse with a bit of abuse towards Bret. Big Show wants Bret to leave, but he isn’t ready. He brings out the Hart Dynasty, who already has a countout victory over ShowMiz. Miz wants to know why they are important and DH Smith wants a match against the Miz. If he wins, they get a title shot at Extreme Rules. ShowMiz discusses strategy and Miz accepts only if Bret Hart shows up next week and declares them the greatest tag team of all time. The match is NEXT!
Commercials.
Random Commercial Observation: TNA is coming to Springfield, IL May 13th. Too bad they didn’t get the new TNA iMPACT start time right in the commercial…Epic Fail.
David Hart Smith v. The Miz
We’re JIP and Miz and Smith are jockeying for position. Waist lock by Smith and Miz tries to escape, but is unsuccessful. Elbows to the head work the trick, but Smith rebounds and he posts Miz in the corner. Pillar to post we go and Miz is the victim of a back drop. Strikes to the neck connect and Natalya bitchslaps the Miz for good reason. Stalling vertical suplex connects for a two count as Smith remains in control. Miz hits a modified bulldog on the corner and follows with a double axe handle off the ropes for two. Strikes to the face commence and Miz locks the head and neck of Smith. Smith uses his strength and he rams Miz in the corner. Bulldog to the corner again is blocked and they tee off of each other. Clotheslines by Smith…powerslam gets two as Miz is reeling! Miz gets a small package…two count only. Belly to Belly by Smith gets two and both men get back up. Miz sends Smith in the corner and he hits the clothesline. Miz goes to the top…CAUGHT WITH A KICK TO THE FACE! Sharpshooter is applied! Big Show jumps the apron and Smith takes him out. Kidd off the apron, but Show knocks him out! Smith has Miz in the air and Show punches Smith in the kidneys. This sets up the Skull Crushing Finale for the three!
Winner: The Miz
Grade: B
Commercials.
Last week, David Otunga was your guest host and his barber needed to be fired. We recap Otunga screwing Cena in the Unified Tag Title match. This follows a vicious Batista Bomb from Batista and the announcement of a Last Man Standing match for Extreme Rules.
David Otunga and Batista talk backstage and Batista wants him to get him some coffee. Otunga walks into Hasselhoff who books him against Cena tonight. He talks to Kit and Kit thinks that it’ll take 22 seconds for Cena to dispatch Otunga. FTW!
Commercials.
Evan Bourne v. Carlito
Bell rings and they jockey for position. Carlito takes it to Bourne in the early going, but Bourne keeps his balance and he scores the kicks. Sit-out spinebuster by Carlito stops the kicking fury and Carlito channels Randy Orton with the series of stomps before getting a two count. Bourne comes back, but Carlito kicks Bourne into reality for another two count. Backdrop follows and yet another two count. Carlito tees off on Bourne in the corner before he goes for the kill. The kill doesn’t occur as Bourne takes his shots. Springboard misses by Carlito, but Bourne rushes to Carlito with a low dropkick for two. Bourne rushes…HIP TOSS TO THE CORNER TURNBUCKLE! Carlito goes for a top rope backstabber…BLOCKED! Air Bourne connects! That’s all she wrote!
Winner: Evan Bourne
Grade: C+
We’re back and THE CHAMP IS HERE! So are the boos and jeers from the crowd. Luckily for the WWE, you can barely hear them as it seems the post-production cheers have been added in.
John Cena v. David “A List” Otunga (w/Batista)
The bell rings and Cena takes Otunga down with a chinlock. He keeps it applied and gets a one count in the process. We work the Greco-Roman knucklelock, but Cena takes Otunga back down and reapplies the chinlock. Cena takes Otunga down sloppily and gets a one count in the process. Lockup, but Cena beats Otunga to the punch. Cena hits the jabs and strikes effectively as Otunga gets taken to school. Cena throws Otunga down and he beckons for Batista to come down. Otunga gets back up and Cena sees it. Clothesline connects and he applies the STF as Batista turns his back. Otunga taps out!
Winner: John Cena
Grade: D
Batista is pissed and he rips his clothes off. He walks down the ramp and he demands the spotlight. Huge “You Tapped Out” chants emit from the crowd as Batista walks backstage.
Commercials.
Last week: Sheamus brought a pipe to a sledgehammer fight and he ran off like a scared dog.
Sheamus makes his way to the ring. He disagrees that he made a mistake because he forced Trips to show his hand. At Extreme Rules, it will be a street fight between Sheamus and Trips. He warns Trips that the streets of Dublin are worse than any streets of America. He promises that if Trips shows up at Extreme Rules…it’ll be the biggest mistake of his career.
Kofi Kingston comes out to the stage and he tells Sheamus that he is mistaken. Sheamus tries to warn Kingston, but Kingston wants payback right now!
Kofi Kingston v. Sheamus
Bell rings and Sheamus sends Kofi to the corner. Kick to the shins by Kofi makes Sheamus guess his next move. Sheamus misses an elbow drop and Kofi continues the attack. Wild right hand misses, but Kofi responds with a dropkick and he lets Sheamus take himself out of the ring. They fight along the apron and Kofi hits a missile dropkick for two. Sheamus gets back up with a Polish hammer for two. Sheamus with a knee to the neck takes Kofi out of the ring. The fight spills outside the ring with Sheamus being the better of the two. Back inside, Sheamus covers for two. Kofi rebounds, but Sheamus hits a pumphandle modified slam for two. Sheamus targets the neck and he looks to suplex Kofi out of the ring. Kofi with the kicks keep Sheamus off balance. Dropkick connects and Kingston is in a control frenzy! Boom Drop connects and he looks for it…Sheamus smartly goes to the corner and Kingston goes for the 10-punch…stops at four. He avoids the Pump Kick…TROUBLE IN PARADISE! MATCH IS OV—NO! Sheamus grabs the bottom rope! Sheamus has the krispy kreme eyes as he takes apart the announcer’s table. Kofi attacks, but Sheamus hits him with a TV monitor for the DQ.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Grade: B-
Post match, Sheamus disects Kofi’s body on the ring post before hitting the Pump Kick on him. What he did to Kofi will be what he will do to Triple H at Extreme Rules.
Commercials.
The WWE Draft is in TWO WEEKS!
Carlito is pissed off and he wants a rematch now. Vladimir Koslov says Hasselhoff isn’t here. Seems that they are both pissed off at being overlooked by the guest hosts. So, Vladimir promises to get what he wants or he’ll destroy MacGruber. OK…
Josh Matthews interviews Randy Orton about his title match at Extreme Rules. The evil glare is back as Randy is comfortable with it. Randy intends on keeping things on a business level. As far as Batista is concerned…Randy has been waiting for this moment for a long time.
We prepare for our next match…
Commercials.
“Baywatch Babe” Triple Threat Divas Tag Team Match: Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim v. The Bella Twins v. Jillian Hall & Rosa Mendez
Santino is special referee and David Hasselhoff is your lifeguard. Bell rings and Kelly Kelly takes Jillian out. Tag to one of the Bella’s and Jillian takes her down with a torture rack backbreaker for two. Tag to Rosa and she suplexes Bella #1 for two. Bella #1 rolls Rosa up and it’s BALLS TO THE WALL! Bella Twin switch-a-roo and Bella #2 rolls Rosa up for three!
Winners: The Bella Twins
Grade: NR
Jillian mouths off at Santino and he blows the whistle on her, who shoves the whistle down his throat. He falls to the ground and the divas wonder what to do. Enter Hornswoggle to the rescue… no mouth to mouth, but a tadpole splash causes the whistle to come out. Everyone celebrates.
Next week, the cast of MacGruber hosts RAW.
Recap of the England tour.
Randy Orton v. Batista
Bell rings and the two men stare each other down. Batista overpowers Orton to start. Randy attacks the hamstring, which takes the bigger man down. Back to his feet, they lock up again. Orton gets Batista pissed off and even more so as Orton gives Batista the 3.0 neckbreaker and the Garvin stomp. Knee drop misses and Batista sends Orton hard out of the ring. Break time.
Commercials.
We’re back and Batista is still in control and he sends Orton to the second turnbuckle. Batista takes and he delivers a shot to the neck of Orton on the apron. Boot to Orton by Batista connects and he gets back in the ring. Cover by Batista gets two, though. Batista takes Orton down again and he takes apart the announcer’s table. He pulls Orton out of the ring and Orton counters, sending Batista to the table. Kick to the face as Orton gets back to the ring…and another kick to the face sends Orton down. Batista lines up for the spear…KICK BY ORTON! Orton sends Batista to the ring post! They battle back and forth in the ring with Orton getting the upperhand. Orton evades a corner charge and he takes Batista down. Batista picks Orton up…he slides off. Batista off the ropes…POWERSLAM! Orton waits…but he sees something different. PUNT ATTEMPT, but Batista rolls out of the ring. Orton gets sent back in the ring and he hits the spike DDT on Batista for two! This time, Orton gets a sign…RKO countered! Spinebuster by Batista! Thumbs Down. Batista Bomb attempt…RKO OUT OF NOWHERE! He goes for the cover, but Swagger gets Orton locked in the waist and he hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb!
Winner via DQ: Randy Orton
Grade: B
Post match, Cena blindsides Swagger and he locks the STF on Batista! This proves that Batista can be beaten in a Last Man Standing via the STF.
Show Over.
The Final Pulse
Well, tonight’s RAW gets an A from me because unlike past weeks, I was entertained throughout the entire two hours. David Hasselhoff was gold tonight and the segment involving Kit was AWESOME! Even the squash match with Cena and Otunga was entertaining enough to keep it out the F or FTS territory. Overall a great RAW tonight.
I’ll be back next week for RAW as we gear up for Extreme Rules. Have a great week!
