Opening Thoughts
-First off, I’m really sorry about last week. When I sat down to watch the show on DVR, I was informed that the recorder was full (Cablevision doesn’t really give you any meter for gauging such a thing, thus further earning my ire and frustration), and it only recorded about 43 minutes of the show…and nearly all of the wrestling took place AFTER that mark. I intended to go to Hulu and recap the show from there, but as the show is not posted online the next day, or even the day AFTER that, I found myself out of luck. Once the show WAS up a few days later, it was at that point that my now-famous lack of focus set in, and couldn’t find the dedicated hour and change that it takes me to watch the show and write my column/recap/conversation with all of you. So, my apologies. Now that I’ve deleted a crap-ton of things off of my DVR, I don’t foresee it happening again anytime soon. I refuse to fall into the trap that essentially kept me from writing columns for the better half of, oh, ever.
-Second off, a few quick thoughts: first, Daniel Bryan NEEDS to stop looking like such a loser. Throwing a couple of nice moves out there every now and again isn’t going to save him when he seems like an overrated waste otherwise. The losing streak gimmick needs to go somewhere, and while I know that we’re all expecting him to be seven out of eight in the next Pro’s Poll (so long, Michael Tarver, who’s obviously being set up to be the first one out), and then to start winning and eventually face off with Wade Barrett for the first and second place wins, the whole thing feels like it’s damaging him more than I’m comfortable with, and I wonder if the bookers are more interested in amusing themselves and proving that this guy ain’t no great shakes rather than trying to turn arguably the best wrestler in the world into a major star. That was a long sentence, and I hope that most of you were able to follow it. If not, read it again. And again. Dance, meat puppets, dance!
-Secondly, the show is quickly transforming from the Daniel Bryan Show to the Wade Barrett Show, and I think both fans and WWE higher-ups alike are looking at this guy as the real deal. He’s big, has some charisma, and carries himself like he’s a star. He also, unlike nearly every other rookie, has a recognizable finisher that he’s hit a number of times, and while I’m not crazy about the move itself, if he keeps pinning guys with a forward fireman’s carry slam, and he comes up with a neat name for it (“Tower of London” is taken by Desmond Wolfe, so what about “The Sticky Wicket?” I find cricket references are pretty bad-ass), then it’ll get over well enough.
-I still hate David Otunga, and pray he ends up back in FCW for more seasoning sooner rather than later, so that he can redebut with new purpose and some level of skill a number of months, or even a year, down the road. What’s going to happen when he gets in the ring with someone of some stature, and he botches something simple and hurts them? What will Vince do when Randy Orton complains about the guy married to the celebrity, huh? Oh, what a dire conundrum.
-Okay, let’s start the show.
-Hi, Matt Striker! What will you learn us today!? Pop Count: Heath Slater – some boos. David Otunga – major boos. Justin Gabriel – big cheers. Darren Young – general boos. Wade Barrett – big boos, one dude cheering. Daniel Bryan – general cheers. Skip Sheffield – a few cheers. Michael Tarver – general boos. Pro’s Poll is in three weeks, and as we know, whoever’s in last place is toast. This week, they’re testing balance and striking ability, which means that they’re going to play Joust from American Gladiators. Man, Daniel Bryan isn’t going to take this seriously at all, is he? Striker calls this game “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Rookies.” Alright, whatever. Heath Slater knocks off David Otunga, which I approve of. Next is Skip Sheffield and Wade Barrett, and they both kind of fall off, but Wade Barrett leaps at Sheffield, giving Sheffield the duke. Barrett is none too pleased, and throws his pugil stick at Sheffield in a display of, if I may say, very poor sportsmanship. Am I the only one that wants to see them wrestle in he weird bouncy castle thing that they’re having this competition on? Daniel Bryan and Tarver are up next, and I’m picking Tarver…aaaand Tarver just drops the pugil stick and allows himself to be eliminated. Go me. He points to his head, apparently trying to get into Bryan’s. Justin Gabriel and Darren Young left, and Gabriel loses his balance almost immediately, and Young is, thus, the winner.
-Tonight! Chris Jericho vs. Heath Slater! Okay, why not?
COMMERCIALS
-Batista/Cena feud recap. Man, why would anyone watch this show when they so blatantly treat it as a platform to show video packages, let alone video packages that they’ve already played and replayed on Raw and Smackdown. They’re well-made video packages, but there’s all this time that is being used to NOT get over the rookie talent that the show is based around. Maybe it’s because WWE knows the show is cancelled come October, anyway, and so they figure why not just let it be another ad platform. Ah, well. This is why the good lord invented DVR.
-Rundown of the Extreme Rules lineup. Meh. It’s Wrestlemania, minus Money in the Bank, and plus Swagger vs. Orton. I watch these things at a local bar, so I imagine I’ll give it a go.
Segment One: Wade Barrett
-And now, a video package that relates to the program, as all of the pros talk about how awesome Wade Barrett is. How awesome is Wade Barrett? SO AWESOME. All joking aside, I’m wondering if this was a bit of a surprise to WWE, and so they’re giving him a bit of a push and some extra attention and seeing how it goes. I think he’s pretty good, so no complaints here.
COMMERCIALS
Match One: David Otunga vs. Justin Gabriel
-Before the match, Otunga seems to ignore any advice that R-Truth will offer (“I got this!” he motions and mouths), while the announcers talk about how incredibly charismatic he is. Ugh. Chris Matthews actually calls Otunga “ring-savvy” thus losing any cred he might have ever had, while Cole talks about how he improves every week in the ring. I suppose there’s a modicum of truth to that in that he doesn’t look embarrassing RIGHT NOW, but he also just looks a bit clumsy in there. Gabriel’s moves, generally, are crisp and fun to watch, including a Ricky Steamboat-style armdrag which he should hold onto, and after using a headscissor takedown out of the corner which tosses Otunga out of the ring, hits a beautiful somersault no-hands plancha over the ropes and onto Otunga. Top-rope crossbody on Otunga in the ring gets 2.5, and a Side-South-African Legsweep (you heard it here first!) sets him up for the 450 Splash, but Otunga gets up before Gabriel can fly. They fight on the apron, and Gabriel comes over with sunset flip, and Otunga reaches out his hands to R-Truth, right in front of him, essentially begging for some help. R-Truth, indignantly, just shakes his head, as faces don’t cheat for stupid reasons like this, and Otunga falls over and is pinned with said sunset flip. Decent little match, and probably Otunga’s best by default. Gabriel looked pretty good too.
Winner: Justin Gabriel
-Matt Hardy goes to R-Truth as if to say, “Can you believe he tried that with you?” and R-Truth smiles and shrugs at Otunga. Hey, you don’t want his advice, you can’t ask him to cheat for you. Anyone watching that first bit could have seen that one biting him in the patoot. Are we going to get the R-Truth/Otunga battle that was suggested at the beginning of the season? Probably, yeah.
-Semi-finals of the “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em” thingamabopper that I know we needed to satiate our goofy competition fix now that we don’t have Gladiators to slake our thirst any longer. Looks like Daniel Bryan vs. Darren Young and Sheffield vs. Heath Slater.
COMMERCIALS
-It’s Gladiator time! Sheffield vs. Slater ends with a pretty solid Sheffield victory, and I’d be surprised to see him lose to Bryan or Young. After an actual fight, Young wins, and Cole immediately calls Daniel Bryan a loser and rails about he never wins anything. Mmhmm. He even bitches about Bryan complaining on his WWE Universe blog, and Matthews points out that Cole himself has a blog and calls his fans “Cole-Miners.” I don’t know if that’s true, but I really, really hope it is.
Segment Two: Michael Tarver In-Ring Interview and Confrontation
-He issues a challenge…no, a DARE. Oooh. He’s not going to play by our rules, because he’s a bulldog off the CHAIN! He dares someone, rookie or pro, to come out and stop him. Kane, maybe? While we’re waiting, Michael Cole makes a good point: “A bulldog? I thought he was a pitbull.” Hey, it’s valid; man should keep his dogs straight. Hey, Skip Sheffield comes out…with a microphone. Yay, more talking. Skip Sheffield: “What I need you to do is turn your upper lip south, and shut your mouth.” That’s not too bad, actually. He also calls Tarver a nitwit of negativity. Okay. Still, they’s gonna fight! But wait! CM Punk and the SES are coming out, too! He shows the video of Young beating Gallows and of him raising the rookie’s hand, much to Gallows’ chagrins. Punk also makes my night by talking about Darren Young’s momentum and saying, “Oh, and he’s also in the finals of the little stick fighting thing,” with eyes saying how totally important that is. Rock on. Anyway, he adds Young into the match as a triple threat, and Young seems just fine with that.
Match Two: Darren Young vs. Michael Tarver vs. Skip Sheffield
-At first, they team up on Young, but he backdrops Sheffield out of the ring, and then clotheslines Tarver out before we go to commercial. This could be fun.
COMMERCIALS
-Commercial note: is there really a baseball player named Evan Longoria? Really? Just one letter off from the actress? Huh…
-We come back with everyone kicking the crap out of Darren Young, who has LOST THE HEADBAND. Horror! Sheffield with a solid belly-to-belly, and when it comes to pinning him, Tarver wants it, and the two big guys fight over it. Sheffield with a nasty chop to the back of the neck of Tarver, but Young recovers and throws Sheffield out of the ring after the big man tries to cover Tarver with a splash. Young to the top, but Gallows runs out and throws him off, and clotheslines Sheffield. He directs Tarver to take out Young, but Young catches Tarver’s punch attempt and hits his full-nelson facebuster for the pin. Interesting story brewing with the SES between these two.
Winner: Darren Young
Segment Three: Heath Slater
-He gets kind of mixed reactions from the pros. Miz thinks he’s too annoying. Let me say that again. The freaking MIZ, who has based his entire persona on being annoying, thinks that Slater is too annoying. He makes an interesting point, though, when he says that fans might just want to see what he’s going to do next. “He’s such an idiot, but I STILL want to know what he’s going to do next!” Christian says the two have bonded despite some initial reservations, while Regal says his whole persona is “mystifying.” I love Regal. Overall, most believe he has potential, but is unsure whether he’ll be able to utilize it all or not.
COMMERCIALS
-Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em closer, and if you’ll check WWE.com right now, you’ll see who took this one. They both fall at what seems to be the same time, but the ref gives it to Sheffield. A few angles tell more or less the same story…
-…and my DVR cuts out. Before the main event. AGAIN. Apparently, when you set it to record an extra ten minutes (as I did last time this happened), I missed the option that asks, “Now you’re totally super sure you want to confirm this?” Unbelievable. Through the magic of WWE.com, I can at least give SOME thoughts on the main event, as Hulu won’t have a full episode up until a time that’s, well, not right now.
Match Three: Chris Jericho vs. Heath Slater
-Okay, so going into this, I totally expected Jericho to more or less annihilate him as Kane did two weeks ago. However, I realize immediately that I should have expected what we received: an actual match, with back and forth action, becasue that’s what Jericho does. He doesn’t destroy people, because that’s not in his character, and those aren’t the kinds of matches he has. No one is ever buried in a Jericho match unless it’s Jericho himself. The running theme of the match is how Slater has a few decent moves (including a very nice neckbreaker), but that it’s generally nothing that Jericho can’t handle. He gets moments of momentum, but Jericho completely has it under control, as can be seen by the endless smarm slathered all over his face. This is most obvious after poking Slater in the eye and casually grabbing his legs to set up the Walls of Jericho. It is then, in a moment of ego-fueled weakness, that Slater rolls him up in a small package and steals the win.
Winner: Heath Slater
Final Thoughts
-Hey, good for Heath Slater. I think he’s fine, but I don’t expect to see world champion Heath Slater in the next five years. Perhaps I’ll eat those words, but that’s what I’m thinking right now. I was generally fine with the show tonight, but I remain really, really, really bothered by Daniel Bryan’s seemingly endless series of failures and screw-ups. I know the show is booked and pre-determined, but I can’t help feeling that having any real hope for the guy is a waste. He’s buried on every show by Michael Cole, who only seems to be a heel when it comes to him, and it can’t be blamed on heels cheating against him or with elements against his control. Heath Slater beat Chris Jericho when he couldn’t, and Skip Sheffield and Darren Young pulled double duty, doing both the “stick thing” was well as being involved in a triple threat match, while Daniel Bryan got his gear on, played the little game, then went back to the showers. I don’t understand the point of WWE signing the guy unless their sole intention was to screw over Ring of Honor because they had the audacity to put their show on Monday night. Why sign the most beloved wrestler on the indies when you’re just going to bury the guy? Hey, it was great seeing he and Regal hit each other mega-hard last week, and he even busted out a dragon suplex, and no one cared. No one.
-And maybe that’s the point. Perhaps this is just me spitballing conspiracy theories, but what if Daniel Bryan’s treatment on the show is a way of showing that fans don’t give a crap about how good a wrestler you are or what wacky moves you have in your pocket, but that the way to make it in the WWE is to make people care about you, not whether or not you can hit some crazy Japanese suplex. As far as WWE is concerned, Bryan is small, relatively uncharismatic, and doesn’t have the star power of someone on the level of David Otunga. David Otunga, one of the most overrated superstars ever shoved down the throat of American wrestling audiences, will get the push that Daniel Bryan could and should have, because he’s engaged to Jennifer Hudson. Mazel tov, David, but don’t be surprised when Cena shows frustration at you being unable to properly hit a spinebuster on the main event of Raw, someplace I’m sure you’ll be unless your nuptuals don’t work out. That being said, Kevin Federline ended up doing okay for himself, too.
-That’s all. See you next week.
