For Your Consideration…Is There a Draft in Here? (Yes, I’m using that joke for another year)

For Your Consideration…Is There a Draft in Here? (Yes, I’m using that joke for another year)

Welcome back to FYC and do I have a stacked column for you; Extreme Rules thoughts, Future Endeavored discussions and, of course, a full recap of tonight’s WWE Draft. Before we get down to this jam-packed edition, let me do my shameless whoring and say that you can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, friend me on Facebook, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com or just shout loudly and hope that I hear you.

First up, I wanna talk about last night’s Extreme Rules PPV. Before getting into the details, I just gotta say on the outset that I thought it was a tremendous show. Yes, you read that right, I am being positive about a PPV telecast. And no, I’m not drunk and I don’t have a fever.

Last night’s Extreme Rules PPV event was an extremely linear broadcast. The WWE made a lot of very smart booking decisions and at the end of the show, the company was in a better place than where it was at the start. What more can you really ask for when you’re watching a transitional pay per view in the first place? Considering that Backlash has always had the dubious distinction of following Wrestlemania and ushering in the doldrums of summer, a lot of people often dismiss it as a chance for the WWE to correct their Mania booking mistakes. Good, bad, or indifferent, that’s what Backlash was for.

I was one of the first to come out against the idea of having Extreme Rules as the post-Mania show, because I thought that a night of all gimmick matches wasn’t needed when the show was going to just be a collection of Mania rematches. Thankfully, last night showed me that we could have our cake and eat it too. The show, from top to bottom, provided almost three hours of solid entertainment that didn’t make me want to throw too many things at the television.

Lastly, before I go match by match (and I promise I won’t simply rehash what everyone else on the Net has said because I respect my audience too much to be hacky and just regurgitate everyone else’s shtick), I want to touch on something that’s gotten under my skin regarding this pay-per-view. A lot of wrestling fans have nothing but contempt for marks, and I don’t think I need to explain why. Anyone who has ever sat at a WWE live event and listened to members of the unwashed masses say that John Cena was the best technical wrestler of the past decade based on the amount of titles he has won has attempted to swallow their own tongue rather than listen to any more of that moronic tirade. But dear reader, they are not the bane of the wrestling world. See, they actually go out and buy tickets and merchandise and support the product. Yes, they are naïve and yes they can irritate the skin like lemon juice in an open cut, but they aren’t what’s drawing my vitriol here.

See, last night’s show was called Extreme Rules, which meant that the matches on the show had gimmicks associated with them. One match was a street fight, one match was a strap match, one match was a cage match and one match was simply an extreme rules match. That means that the rules for almost every match were above and beyond the rules of a normal match, hence extreme. That does not mean, however, that for one night only the WWE is going to abandon their TV-PG ways and suddenly unleash the ECW hounds of hell to reek havoc across the wrestling world. This didn’t stop people from bitching and complaining that the show wasn’t “extreme” enough for them. These people quite literally were out for blood.

Of course there wasn’t going to be blood on the PPV last night, and anyone that thought so (or was disappointed by it) is as delusional as the mark that believes that Kane and Taker are really brothers. There are different degrees when it comes to denial, and anyone that wants to knock the show because it didn’t reach the heights of bloody violence that an XPW show would just doesn’t get it. Hoping that blood is going to magically reappear is like the mark that shows up to a RAW taping believing that The Rock is going to make his return that night. This is a business, and like it or not, the decision to go TV-PG is here for the foreseeable future. And even worse for those bloodthirsty miscreants, the TV-PG shows are still drawing in fantastic numbers.

Don’t get me wrong, I was brought up to appreciate a good, bloody brawl. I dug the hell out of ECW from it’s syndicated beginnings to it’s dying embers, but I’ve come to accept the fact that the current WWE product just isn’t about the free-flowing red stuff. Yet, shockingly, I can still enjoy the show. So get off your high horse by bitching and complaining that a show that used the word “extreme” didn’t have any blood on it and try to enjoy the goddamn wrestling. There are enough alternatives out there that can wet your barbaric lust, but if you think that you’re going to get that kind of satisfaction from a WWE show, then maybe it’s time someone smartens you up.

Alright, on with the show itself…

Triple H/Sheamus Backstage Brawl:

Whether you agree with me or not, the opening Sheamus/Hunter brawl was a smart idea. The Triple H entrance music popped the fans, and it was kind of a nice change of pace to see the WWE return to that idea of “anything can happen.” It also worked because it made Sheamus seem like a legitimate monster heel, which is always a good thing.

See, with Sheamus stuck in Europe last week, we never had our go-home brawl. The last words that Sheamus said to Hunter were that he was going to be sorry he ever took the match. These threats along with the backstage beatdown gave Sheamus the air of being a Game-esque Cerebral Assassin. Even better, it established his steel pipe as his 21st Century sledgehammer.

Sure, everyone pretty much knew that Hunter was going to return later in the night to avenge this beating, but the thin mystery of if he could compete was a nice way to keep the audience hooked (and save your breath with the smarmy answer that it’s a PPV and they aren’t going to change the channel).

The Biz v. A Whole Lot of People

Here’s another segment that, to me at least, worked. Sure, this was unadvertised, but how the hell could they have done this otherwise? Again, with the RAW crew trapped due to Mount Kimonawanalaya (like I wasn’t going to use that joke), we couldn’t get the whole Bret Hart public praise of The Biz that would have set up a PPV match. What’s the next best option? Using the PPV to further the storyline that Miz is a punk who writes checks that Big Show then has to cash.

Sure, the matches were quick with diminishing returns, but at least it got Morrison, Truth, MVP, Henry and the Hart Dynasty some face time. Hell, they’re all still getting paid, so why not let them make an appearance? You think Jimmy Wang Yang wouldn’t eat his wicker cowboy hat for a chance like that?

In the end, this was a way to get a whole bunch of people on the show and lead to inevitable conclusion of the Hart Dynasty becoming number one contenders. Some folks had questions about the outcome of this match, so allow me to address them one at a time.

Some people didn’t understand why this wasn’t for the titles. Well, unlike TNA, the WWE actually likes to advertise when they’re going to have title matches that will result in the title changing hands. Does anybody honestly believe that the WWE is going to have the Unified Champs just drop the belts completely unannounced when they know that people would tune in to see Miz get his comeuppance and see Bret Hart’s good name be vindicated?

Some people didn’t understand why the WWE had to protect The Biz. Well, The Biz are the tag champs and one of them is a former world champion, so jobbing them out to the Hart Dynasty with no build-up whatsoever isn’t a great thing. Further, having the Harts beat them so quickly set them up for the tag title match without ever giving them a clean win over the champs. This, folks, is called intrigue.

Finally, people were up in arms that the WWE was using it’s PPV to draw people into tuning in to the Draft. Relax, folks, this ain’t TNA. Unlike that company that’s willing to give it’s PPV audience pure crap and save major angles for free television, the WWE is going to use midcard angles to draw their crowds to their television shows. Saving The Biz versus Hart Dynasty for tonight’s show allows the WWE to promote the hell out of a title match ON TOP OF the Draft. Let’s see how TNA’s Lord of the Rings match between Abyss and Flair does against that.

CM Punk v. Rey Mysterio – Hair Match

This match was flat out fantastic and a great opportunity for Rey and Punk to get redemption after that joke of match they had at Mania. Seriously, how could the WWE have ever thought to give them seven minutes on the biggest show of the year when they knew that those two could crank stuff out like this? Sure, you needed to save twenty minutes for the world’s longest chair shot beatdown of a sixty-something year old man, but come on!

The story that this match told was incredible, since the fans in the audience genuinely believed that they were going to get to see Punk’s head shaved bald. Rey and Punk teased the crowd with near fall after near fall, and it was a hell of a lot of fun to hear an audience react so strongly to those close pinfalls.

In the end, there was the mystery assailant that may or may not have been Joey Mercury, a puzzle that will probably get solved tonight. Mercury makes sense given his prior drug history, and the thought of him working as a tag team with Gallows is alright by me. I’m also glad that this was the first of the Roundtable picks I got right, so bully for me.

JTG v. Shad – Racism Match

Alright, I know it’s corny to make the joke about two black men wrestling in a strap match, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I should, but I can’t.

This match was not very good. I can’t put it any plainer than that. I wouldn’t say that it was outright terrible, or call for their heads as some have, but it was not something that I would want to see again. I got this one wrong in the Roundtable because I desperately hoped that Shad would win and we wouldn’t have to see a rematch. Looks like I was wrong.

The WWE is high on Shad, and as a replacement monster for Ezekiel Jackson, I guess you could do worse. With JTG winning using the oldest trick in the book, it is inevitable that in their rematch he’s going to get flattened like a bug and live out his days on Superstars where he’ll be jobbing to whatever monster the WWE feels like pushing that week. Basically he’ll be taking the Shelton Benjamin slot, just with a hell of a lot less talent.

The one positive I can find here is that this was something different by the WWE. They haven’t had a lot of purely midcard matches on a PPV in a while, and on a show where they sat out Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Matt Hardy and Christian, it was actually kinda cool to see them take a shot here. It missed the mark, but at least they made an attempt.

Talk about damning them with faint praise.

The Best Showstopping Ultimate Opportunist Weasel Kurt Swangle v. Randy Orton – Extreme Rules Match for the World Heavyweight Title

This was a great match for what it was – a chance to establish Swangle as a main event threat. Orton and Swangle wrestled a “clean” match, especially considering the fact that it was in essence a hardcore match. Randy actually made Swangle look good, up to and including allowing Swangle to pin him with the Gut-Wrench Powerbomb.

I’m impressed about a lot of things here, and Randy Orton is at the top of that list. First, there’s the crowd reaction that he’s still getting. The last time Orton tried to turn face, the audience grew weary of him in a matter of days. Here, however, it seems to be sustained, and that’s nothing but a positive for the WWE. Second, there’s the maturity level that he showed here. To put it bluntly, he didn’t make Swangle look bad. Lastly, he’s keeping his heat and isn’t veering into pandering babyface land. His post-match RKO was clear evidence that this isn’t going to be Randy Cena.

As for Swangle, he showed again that he can hang with the big boys, and that maybe this title run is going to be legit. Sure he jobbed to Taker and Morrison, but so what? Jobbing to The Undertaker never hurt anyone, and he even managed to turn it into a positive by his character re-editing the footage to make it look like he won. Then he jobbed to Morrison (a guy he beat cleanly earlier in the month, I might add) so that John could look like a potential title contender, which is something people have been waiting for him to become for quite some time.

When you have a match that bolsters a guy up further as a babyface in a loss and strengthens another guy to the point where he seems like a main eventer, you have a win-win (win) situation.

Sheamus v. Triple H – Street Fight

Smartass comments about his funny accent aside, this feud has now officially made Sheamus. He picked a fight with Hunter, he got knocked down, he got back up again (okay, so there’s ONE Irish joke) and he beat Triple H at his own game (pardon the pun).

Sheamus’s promo before Hunter came out was poised and confident, which is saying something if you remember the promos he was cutting when he started. Hunter then made his wounded warrior return, which was fine because I knew he was going to lose. Sheamus needed to beat Hunter, and the two of them had a (very) lengthy brawl that actually managed to seem kinda vicious (especially when it came time for the kendo stick shots). In the end, Sheamus put Hunter out of commission for the summer, which was what I had predicted all along. Also, bonus points for me predicting that Sheamus and Orton would have some sort of showdown.

Again, two matches in a row where the upstart heel beats an established star and is made to look more and more legit.

Michelle McCool v. Beth Phoenix – Lipstick on a Pig Match

Was it terrible? No. Was it watchable? No. Did it get the title off of Michelle McCool? Yes. See, you take the good with the bad.

From a storyline perspective, it made sense. McCool wouldn’t face Phoenix in a wrestling match, so they compete in this farce. Regardless, Phoenix still overcomes the odds and wins. That, ladies and gents, is the story here.

Also, when you consider the state of the Diva division, Beth may be the only face on Smackdown that can competently carry the belt. Now, if Eve gets moved to Smackdown and Beth goes to RAW, Phoenix will have Jillian Hall and Maryse to work with.

Edge v. Chris Jericho – Cage Match

Leaps and bounds better than their Wrestlemania match and an entertaining and engaging story told between to talented wrestlers. The storyline logic here was simple; Jericho wanted to cripple Edge and Edge refused to escape the cage. Like I said in my Roundtable (a statement I know makes me sound pompous, but it also makes me sound right), Jericho was going to eat a Spear in the center of the ring to end this feud. And he did.

The match overall was well paced and well structured, with nice high spots (that springboard Codebreaker off the ropes was insane) and great storytelling (Edge watching Jericho try to crawl to the cage as he taunted him was such a nice, sadistic touch). In the end, the feud had a fitting conclusion that managed to wash the bitter taste of their Mania match out of my mouth. Lastly, it appeared that the audience was more into Edge here tonight than before, so while I still hope they turn him heel, I think we can say that his face turn wasn’t a total botchjob.

John Cena v. Batista – Last Man Standing

I know I’m gonna get flak for this, but I enjoyed the hell out of this thing. This match was as close as the WWE will ever come to recreating a wild Smackdown v. RAW match with flesh and blood wrestlers. Cena and Batista killed each other over and over again, and despite not being a technical match, I actually found myself digging it.

There were a lot of great spots here, but none better than a pissed off Batista launching a monitor at Michael Cole. Had it connected, I would have been able to complete my Best of 2010 scorecard a lot earlier than anticipated.

In the end, the finish was corny, but the fact that the WWE was protecting Batista is a good sign that maybe, just maybe, they can convince him to stick around. I like dickish heel Batista and I think he still has some miles left in the tank for the WWE.

Alright, that’ll do it for the Extreme Rules recap, onto the best of luckers…

-Jimmy Wang Yang: I was surprised to see Yang get cut, as he was a great hand in the ring and his gimmick always popped the live audience. He was like Scotty 2 Hottie, only when I saw him I didn’t want to poke my eyes out with forks. I thought for sure that Yang was going to get cut when he got busted for a Wellness violation a few years back, but he somehow kept hanging around. I figured he would wind up as the next Funaki, but I guess that wasn’t in the cards. It’s a shame too, because with Daniel Bryan and possibly LowKi coming down the pike, Yang could have had some great matches.

-Slam Master J: Jesse Gordy started out promisingly enough in the WWE when he was cast as Trish’s boyfriend. Unfortunately, this went nowhere fast. He was then partnered with Festus, because had they let him have a gimmick as a next generation star that could wrestle, that wouldn’t have drawn a nickel. I figured Jesse was protected under the Michael Hayes-Terry Gordy blood-brother pact, but I guess not. Well, now he’s a free bird. Get it? Because of the…aw, nevermind. Jesse got hosed because he got brought up right around the time that the WWE had officially given up on a cruiserweight division, and he was given the lame hillbilly gimmick and then the lame white guy who raps gimmick. Hopefully someone out there will sign Yang and Jesse and create the 21st Century Rhythm and Blues team that we’ve desperately needed.

-Mike Knox: Yes, he was big and he looked like Bruiser Browdy and blah, blah, blah. But the guy received more go-nowhere pushes this side of the late Test, and yet he never seemed to bear any fruit. Even worse, he was involved in that whole drug bust thing a few years back, and maybe some stuff came out about that and that’s why Vince decided to cut him loose. Or maybe it was the out-of-control beard that I’m pretty sure swallowed Finlay.

-Funaki: Funaki was the last of an era in the WWE, and I’m really gonna miss having him around. According to the only Asian wrestler left, Funaki left due to nagging injures and that he asked for his release, which is nice. On the other hand, he was another former Wellness Violator (which shocked the hell out of me), so again there might be more than meets the eye.

-Shelton Benjamin: This one is especially sad for me as I’ve always been a champion for Shelton Benjamin. Unfortunately, despite all the athletic ability in the universe, Shelton just couldn’t string together a coherent sentence. His upset victory over Triple H was one of the most memorable moments of the past decade, and had the WWE followed through, I think he would have been a bigger star. While a lot of people think he’ll wind up in TNA, I think he might join Charlie Haas in ROH for a while and maybe, just maybe, Titan Towers will come calling again. After all, isn’t there a Money in the Bank PPV coming up in a few months?

-Katie Lea: This one was a shame because she was really talented and deceptively hot. Katie was saddled with a terrible gimmick that she managed to get over, and along with her “brother” Paul, provided a lot of entertaining television. I’m sure she’ll get snapped up somewhere, as she was a great gimmick and a great hand, but I’m going to miss seeing her on television every week. Thank goodness the WWE opted to keep the Bella Twins over her, as they are the very definition of exciting female wrestling.

-Mickie James and her jaunty hat: And I saved the best for last. I became #1 Mickie hater on this site long before the WWE began running their whole Piggy James routine. Hell, I called her Pudgy James once and got lambasted in the comments section. Long story short, Mickie peaked in her first major angle and went downhill from there. Mickie’s lesbian stalker storyline with Trish (featuring Jesse, I might add) was one of the best women’s storylines of all time. Even better, she was able to wrestle, which meant she was able to take Lita’s spot. But the WWE never knew exactly what to do with her, as they abandoned the killer heel gimmick to make her the #1 babyface. It didn’t really work. Add to this the fact that she was a backstage nightmare AND yet another delusional Diva that thought she could make it outside of wrestling, and it’s no mystery as to why she was cut. Why the hell do the Divas think that they can cut it outside the industry? Look at Sunny, Torrie Wilson, Dawn Marie, Amy Weber, Nidia, Shaniqua, Shelley Martinez, Jazz, Jacqueline, Ivory, Candice Michelle and Maria. The WWE chews up the women and spits them out, which is a very sad reality but a reality nonetheless. Mickie believes that her music is going to make her a star, but go ask Maria, Lillian Garcia and Lita how the rock star life treated them. This isn’t me being mean, it’s me being realistic. In about eight years when Kelly Kelly’s looks start to go, you can look back at this column and I’ll gladly say I told ya so.

Well, that’s a real positive note. On with the show…

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 4/26/10

“Yessir we promised you a great main event tonight…”

We open with the AWESOME Nickelback theme song, and for one last time, here’s your RAW roster.

There’s pyro and ballyhoo, which may be drafted to another show before night’s end. That show? NCIS. Might make it a little more exciting.

They are jammed to the rafters in Richmond, which doesn’t sound safe. The magical draft board is there like the randomizer button on Smackdown v. RAW and here’s your announce team: Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler, Michael “Casual Male” Cole and Matt Striker.

We’re starting off with the tag title match, which might be the last time we see The Biz.

Miz is decked out in his mini-Edge leather jacket and Big Show is wearing a shirt with a bear on it, which I think is some sort of gay culture symbol. You go, Big Show! Miz says that last night at Extreme Rules they were forced to fight three teams in three consecutive matches. Because of this, we get to see the Hart Dynasty compete tonight. On a plus side, the fans are white hot.

Miz calls the Hart Dynasty a collection of nepotistic kids who never win. Miz then mocks Stu Hart, who could never train the kids to be Big Show, which is to be tall. Miz calls Bret Hart the biggest loser of all, so he calls out Bret. They’re Show-Miz and they’re…a screeching sound.

Hey, it’s Bret Hart. Striker calls him out for wearing sunglasses indoors, so five bonus points for him. Hart says that The Biz is the greatest tag team of all time. He then says that The Mountie is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time and that David Arquette was the greatest World Champion of all time. He then calls Miz a horse-faced idiot, and that’s just insulting to Melina. Hart says that talk is cheap and he then leads out The Hart Dynasty wearing jean shorts. Irony, thy name is Hitman.

The Hart Dynasty gets a nice little ovation as they are the definition of cheap heat. Cole calls the Hart Dynasty extremely hungry, which must be because catering doesn’t offer moose and maple syrup. Miz and Kidd lock up and these two could probably work a decent little program against one another.

Miz with an armbar that Kidd reverses using the top rope. He then hits a dropkick to the face before tagging in DH Chubby Cheek Smith. Smith busts out the British Bulldog vertical suplex for about twenty minutes, which might have killed any brain cells that weren’t fried from Miz’s involvement with MTV.

Commercial.

We’re back and Miz has Smith locked in a resthold as Bret Hart looks on with a not-so-bright look on his face. Smith counters with a belly-to-back suplex and both men are down. Miz tags in Show and Smith tags in Kidd. Tyson hits a springboard dropkick but ultimately gets kicked by Show and goes flying. Show then lifts him up to headbutt him.

Show then tosses Kidd around to show how big and strong he is before chopping the hell out of Tyson. The impact of that shot splattered self-tanner on the first three rows like they were at a Gallagher concert. Show then decides to just air a rerun of his matches with Mysterio before tagging in Miz. Seriously, this guy gets serious heat just for walking into the ring. The kid is a star.

Kidd gets a small package out of nowhere for two, though that might be due to years of steroid abuse. Miz takes over again and gets a two count. Striker says that Lawler might get drafted to MidSouth, which was such a great non-sequiter that it is distracting me from The Miz’s resthold.

Kidd breaks free and the Harts make what has to be the tenth hot tag of the match. Smith delivers a clothesline in the corner and Lawler calls him The British Bulldog. Smith then hits a scoopslam for two.

Miz goes for a pin but Bret Hart breaks it up. Kidd hits Big Show with a running cannonball off the apron and Smith gets a rollup for two. Miz goes for the SCF but there’s a blind tag and Miz gets hit with the Hart Attack. Kidd locks in the Sharpshooter and Miz taps to a crazy loud ovation. I attribute that more to the heat on Miz and less on people loving the Hart Dynasty, who will now be defending those belts against the Straight Edge Society on Superstars for the next three months.

We get some replays as Striker calls this a miscarriage of justice due to Bret’s interference. Now in the ring a bunch of Harts pose with a lot of gold. Bret kisses the belts because he always brings nothing but good luck to everything.

Up next it’s Sheamus time…

Commercial.

We’re back with the three-headed announcer monster. During the break, Miz and Big Show got into a lover’s quarrel and I can’t believe they didn’t show this on live TV. Show got fed up with The Miz and clocked him in the jaw and it looked ridiculously impressive. So I guess Big Show is going to Smackdown?

We get a video of Sheamus attacking Hunter with that paper towel roll covered with tin foil.

In the back is Mini-Orton Josh Matthews and he’s with Kurt Swangle. Swangle says that last night he did something that screams champion. So he’s already trying to hold down Punk?

Swangle says he is the most naturally gifted champion ever and an academic all American and he’s all smart and shit. Shit gets interrupted by Edge, who needs some more time to fill out that beard. Edge names himself the #1 Contender and Swangle shakes his head in anger.

Hey, here comes The Ridiculously Good Looking People and a…

Commercial.

We’re back as we get a replay of Eve beating Maryse for the Tramp Stamp title.

Speaking of Eve, here she comes and her partner is Maryse. Maryse cuts in front, leaving Eve to stalk her from behind. Too soon?

Apparently this match is for a draft pick. Super. I hope they don’t break up Layla and Michelle, because while they both kinda suck, they seem to suck less when together.

Layla starts off the match doing calisthenics but gets kicked in the gut by Eve. Eve then eats a kick in the corner and the fans start a “We Want Mickie” chant. Aww, isn’t that adorable.

The chant dies quickly and Eve goes to tag in Maryse but Maryse kicks Eve in the stomach. The two of them opt to go after one another and suddenly it looks like South Beach. Eve slides back into the ring and eats a legdrop for two. Layla tags in Michelle who clotheslines Eve. McCool starts bouncing Eve’s head off the mat, which is producing a very loud rattling sound.

Michelle then sticks Eve’s head between her legs, presses her against the ropes and squeezes. Yep, wrestling the way Lou Thez intended. We then get a shot of Vickie on the outside, which should have killed anything happening to preteens watching this match.

Eve makes the slow tag to Maryse but instead clotheslines McCool and throws two semi-competent dropkicks and a neckbreaker for two. Lawler entertains himself and himself alone with a joke about Vickie at the beach as Eve tags in Maryse. Maryse gets kicked in the head and it’s over.

Smackdown gets a Draft Pick. Oh wait, it’s a Diva Draft Pick. And Smackdown gets…Kelly Kelly. Well, that’s one step closer to her being released, that’s for sure. Just ask Maria and Victoria.

The Straight Edge Society is in the back. They don’t do drugs, they don’t drink alcohol, but they love…

Commercials.

Punk is out and he’s fondling his long, flowing hair. But enough about his chest. His opponent is Evan Bourne. Yes, that’s right, it’s Punk/Bourne. Somewhere Glazer’s head exploded.

Bourne busts out a flying headscissor before delivering his Token Offense. Punk then hits a Sidewalk Slam as Striker calls Punk the Pastor of Purity. CM Punk fires off some kicks to Bourne’s ribs but Bourne gets a rollup for two. Punk then hits a spinning heel kick for two and he’s got a big smile on his face. CM then blows a kiss to the fans before scooping Bourne up for a suplex. Bourne breaks free and hits a flying knee and then hits a clothesline. Wow, competent and effective offense from Bourne? I could get used to that.

Punk escapes to the outside and Bourne springboards over the top rope onto Luke and Punk. Evan kicks Punk in the jaw before connecting with a cannonball knee in the corner. Bourne goes for AirBourne but the mystery guy runs out of nowhere to knock Evan off the top rope and Punk hits the GTS for the pin.

Smackdown’s second draft pick is…Big Show. Hey, I called that one. Well, Show is a main event guy, just not a main event guy on RAW. Not a bad deal for Friday Night Smackdown, as he’ll probably turn face and fill Taker’s slot.

Sheamus is in the back and he’s strolling towards a…

Commercial.

The announcers recap the Smackdown picks and Teddy Long is in the back with Big Show. Teddy calls him the largest ath-a-lete in the world. Long goes to shake his hand but Big Show won’t shake. What a racist.

Show then puts his arm around Teddy and I guess it’s all good in the hood. Teddy does a happy dance. I shit you not.

Here comes Sheamus, who got the message and is now wearing a t-shirt. Next up for Sheamus? No, not Randy Orton. Pants.

“So da good news iz, Chiple Ache will nut be drufted ta Smockdown. Da bad news iz Chiple Ache will nevah westle again. See ahm chure Chiple Ache wuld liketa leave de Dubba Dubba Eee on his own turms, but he made da mistake ah underestimatin me. His career ended at Extreme Rules an it ended wit a series a kicks to da hehd. His career ended cuz ah made ut end. Now aym movin un. Aye wunted Chiple Ache oudda da Dubba Dubba Eee and aye gottum out. Now aye wunt sumtin else. Eye wunt da dubba dubba eye chumpunship. So John Cena…”

Aye heare…ahem…I hear voices, and here comes Randy Orton, he too of the t-shirt and trunks persuasion. Cole asks if the viper is going to strike, and I really hope he gets drafted to TNA. I don’t care if Jim Ross can’t move any of his face and can only communicate in blinks, he’s better than Michael Cole.

Orton and his freshly bic’d head tells Sheamus that nobody has despised Triple H as much as he has. He has done terrible things to him. How can you do something awful to a man that slept with Chyna before her surgery? Orton says he tried to take Hunter out face-to-face, and while Sheamus got the job done, he doesn’t deserve a title shot.

“Aye gut news for ya, fellah. You got ur Doubah Doubah Eee tahtle match lus night and ya lahst. So why doncha get oudda mah ring before aye put ya on da sidelinz like Chiple Ache.” Them’s fighting words…I think.

Orton says he has a better idea and he then promises to punt his head off. Sorry, but that still doesn’t sound imposing.

“Sorry fellah, aye don’ deal wit losers. Aym gunna face John Cean for da Douba Douba Eee chumpunship and ter’s nuthin you cun do aboutit.”

Hey, the champ is here. Cena gets a crazy loud ovation as the graphic for him goes on as they cut to Sheamus. A rare gaffe. Cena says there seems to be a bit of a problem because both guys believe they should be the #1 Contender. Cena says that this is a great opportunity to introduce the guest host. He then starts hooting and hollering like a lunatic. Cena then pulls out a cell phone and says that this is why he wrestles in jean shorts. Apparently there’s no guest host tonight because Mel Kiper couldn’t make it. Cena says that Sheamus is pale, which is original.

“Kwit jokin fellah, dis is serious bidness.”

Cena says that the only person who could name a #1 Contender was the WWE Champion. Apparently there will be a match tonight between Sheamus and Randy Orton. Didn’t Randy Orton try and KILL YOU?! Eh, small details.

Sheamus goes for the kick but Orton tries to turn it into an RKO and Sheamus flees.

A bunch of Smackdown guys are in the back heading towards a…

Commercial.

Ten Man Dual Brand Battle Royal for 3 Draft Picks.

Out first is Rey Mysterio, Kane, Resurrection-Truth, Drew McInTyre and Shad, the very definition of a motley crew.

Team RAW is MVP, Mark Henry, Yoshi Tatsu, Santino and Teddy DiBiase. I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for team GWF. Go Patriot and Handsome Stranger!

Santino makes himself the captain of Team RAW and he goes face to chin with Mysterio. Rey switches places with Kane and the battle is on. Drew launches Tatsu but Yoshi dumps Drew. Shad eliminates Tatsu but not before botching it. This looks like the middle portion of the Royal Rumble during the “Who cares” portion.

Kane kicks Teddy in the head before going after Mark Henry. If this match were any slower, I’d swear I would have it on pause.

Commercial.

We’re back and no one seems to be doing anything. MVP tries to launch Rey but Rey dumps Porter. Santino eliminates Shad and Truth but eats a chokeslam. My guess is he’ll be the last survivor.

Henry goes to dump Kane but Rey hits him with a 619 and there goes Henry. Kane charges Teddy but Ted lowers the bridge and he’s gone. It’s now Ted, Rey and Santino (who will be the only one to survive, thus allowing hilarity to ensue).

Teddy and Rey brawl and Rey hits a seated Senton. They tease the inevitable for a little while and I think the fans see where this one is going. Rey gets launched off the second rope but holds on. Both guys battle on the apron and Teddy kicks Rey in the head and that’ll do it.

Santino and Teddy celebrate before DiBiase hits DreamStreet. So does that make him a face now?

RAW gets…John Morrison. Well, Miz is now single and there are heel tag champs. On the other hand, why push him over Swangle if he won’t get to collect? Raw gets…Resurrection-Truth. Oh come on! Come the fuck on! No! No! NOOOOO!!!! RAW gets…Edge. Well dang. So does this mean Orton’s going to Smackdown? I thought for sure that Jericho was going to go to RAW, but I guess not. So RAW has Edge, Cena and Orton. Also, Edge and Christian are on the same show!

Commercial.

We’re back and we relive Heath Slater pinning Chris Jericho.

Speaking of which, here come Chris Jericho. Thanks to a great Barnes and Noble sale, I was able to get his autobiography for five bucks, and since I just finished the Bret Hart tome, I have switched to a Lion’s Tale. Unlike Bret’s book, Chris’s goes very fast.

Jericho is sporting the crazy eyes and he says that last night he was the victim of an unfair attack by Edge. Edge tried to hurt him and he didn’t deserve that and Chris doesn’t care if he’s been drafted or not, Edge should be suspended. Jericho is too good to lose to anyone in this arena, but it’s not all Edge’s fault. Chris blames himself because he was defeated by a nameless rookie on NXT. He is still the best in the world at what he does and he’ll never lose to an unaccomplished nobody again. Chris says that Heath Slater is a nobody and he should apologize to him. Chris promises to make him famous before calling him a red-headed freak.

Here comes Heath Slater, who just so happened to be in the back in trunks. Well isn’t that a coincidence. Also, this moron walked out with a giant smile on his face before remembering to stay in character and look worried. Heath says that he’s sorry Jericho wasn’t able to beat Edge. This guy sounds like Al Gore. Scratch that, an unmotivated Al Gore.

Hey, here comes Christian. Wow, Jericho and Christian. Hey, maybe someone should reference that he’s Edge’s brother. Slater jumps Jericho from behind and the match starts. Christian goes for the leg before hitting a diving DDT to the outside and we head to…

Commercial.

We’re back and Christian executes his “Stand on the other guy’s back” move. He comes off the top rope but it gets turned into the Walls of Jericho but that gets reversed for a two count.

Jericho starts hitting headbutts but Christian drops Jericho for two. Christian starts his clap, which gives him the power to execute the Kill Switch but Jericho turns it into a Walls of Jericho attempt but instead just launches him to the corner. Christian rolls him up for two but this gets turned into the Walls and it’s locked in. Christian climbs towards the ropes and he is selling this like he’s dying. He finally locks it in and all I notice is that he’s lost a lot of hair.

Christian goes to the top rope and he goes for a cross body but Jericho turns it into a Codebreaker and that’ll do it. Well, it was nice having Edge and Christian on the same show, so watch Christian get drafted.

Jericho then jumps Heath Slater and hits him with a Codebreaker.

Smackdown gets…Kofi Kingston. Well, I guess since they got R-Truth, who needs to black guys that can do the job?

Kofi runs to the ring and hits Trouble in Paradise on Jericho. I’m shocked given the way he’s been treated that he didn’t run into the ring and just get Codebreakered.

Coming up next, John Morrison will face Kurt Swangle.

Commercial.

Did you know WWE has 100,000 hours of video footage and that 67% of it has Iron Mike Sharpe?

Earlier tonight, the Hart Dynasty won the tag belts and then Big Show decked Miz. Cole calls this a knockout night for Show before saying he’s switching teams. See, I told you the bear shirt meant he was gay!

Here comes Kurt Swangle. His opponent is now on RAW, where he’ll…still wrestle on Superstars. Lawler says that Morrison isn’t affected by pressure, so I guess those pain pills really do the trick.

Swangle and Morrison tease lock-ups before Swangle drives John into the corner. Morrison delivers some high knee lifts but Swangle delivers clubbing blows to drop Johnny. He then locks on a waist lock and they start rolling around the mat. Trust me, it’s slightly less odd than it sounds. He then paintbrushes the back of his head, but John gets to his feet and punches him in the face. Morrison connects with a spinning-heel kick

Swangle takes control and since this is the rubber match, it should be interesting to see what they opt to do. Also, random thought, but isn’t Swangle still technically part of RAW even though he has the World Title?

Cole and Lawler entertain themselves by burying Striker for out-announcing them. Swangle locks in a very long headlock as he wrestles a…deliberate…pace. Swangle hits a shoulder knockdown but Morrison hits a clothesline. John then hits a corkscrew plancha that takes Swangle out. John rolls him in and gets a two count, brought to you by Prince of Persia the video game based on the movie based on the video game. It’s kinda like that episode of Newsradio where Mr. James has his autobiography translated from English to Japanese to English.

Commercial.

We’re back and Swangle is trying to rip Morrison’s arms off his body like an unwanted He-Man action figure. Morrison then rolls through for a two count.

Swangle then chokes out Morrison in the ropes before just kicking him in the head. These two are having an interesting little battle, which is nice. Remember, it was a year ago that Swangle had a show stealing match with John Cena.

Morrison pulls out a standing shooting star for two, but he’s favoring his ribs, which of course has nothing to do with Swangle’s finishing move. Swangle goes for the running Vader Bomb but Morrison moves and launches him into the turnbuckle to get two. Flying Chuck kick connects for two and Swangle rolls to the outside. They’re back in and Swangle goes for the Gut-Wrench but Morrison grabs the rope and he goes for Starship Pain. Swangle gets to his feet and turns it into the Gut-Wrench Powerbomb for the pin.

Smackdown gets…Christian. Yep, I called that. Can’t have Edge and Christian on the same show because then you’re risking an entertaining show. But hey, Smackdown was always Christian’s show to steal.

Commercial.

If I ever refer to Arby’s as the place that has everything I want, I hope someone will kindly shoot me in the head.

Next week’s RAW is hosted by Wayne Brady. Yep.

So far tonight, RAW got Morrison, Edge and R-Truth. Smackdown got Kofi Kingston, Christian, Kelly Kelly and Big Show.

In the back, Carl Ito and Teddy are having a pow-wow. Teddy extends an offer to Carl, but he turns it down. Teddy gives up trying to buy one minority and moves onto R-Truth. He wants someone to carry his bags. He wants a Virgil. Wow, that’s racist, Truth. Teddy promises a different relationship. One where he tells him what to do and he pays him a lot of money. Truth promises to think about it before he just smacks him in the face. Guess the economy hasn’t impacted the invincible black guy.

It’s military week and now we get…you’re kidding me? You’re kidding me? ANOTHER NICKELBACK SONG?! Do they WANT me to change the channel? Oh great, now my ears are bleeding. Come on Obama, hurry with the free health care…I think I’m gonna need it after this video package.

On a side note, I want to give a shout-out to my buddy Clark who is reading this column from Afghanistan. Get home safe, brother.

Commercial.

Did I just see a commercial for Street Fighter IV? Wow, I feel old. All I remember was picking E-Honda and doing his crazy chop thing when I was a kid.

WWE Magazine has 20 WWE posters and my walls will never be the same.

Hey, here comes Dolph Ziggler and he’s fighting for the final draft pick. Cole says that tomorrow at noon there will be a Supplemental Draft. I’m sure PulseWrestling will have full coverage. Dolph’s opponent is…you’ve got to be kidding me, the fucking midget.

So the midget is now the only member of DX left on RAW and he had a helmet. He runs outside and Dolph tosses him into the ring. The fucking midget keeps him outside the ring by throwing things at him and it’s a count-out. Dolph comes into the ring and puts a sleeperhold on Hornswoggle and chokes him out.

Well, that was bad but at least it was short.

Lawler is in the ring to console the midget because perhaps he mistook it for a young lady who was unconscious.

RAW is…Chris Jericho. Zuh? Well, I guess I was right about that. Oh, and Jericho is now instantly the #1 Heel on RAW. Welcome back to Monday Night’s, Chris, and welcome back to “For Your Consideration.”

Commercial.

We’re back and…here comes Batista. And he looks pissed. Someone just told him that he didn’t get that guest spot on “Royal Pains.” Batista says that he should be the #1 Contender. He then yells duct tape with such anger that it should be a ringtone on WWE Mobile.

Here comes Sheamus and he has a microphone. “Aye don’t tink so, Batista. Wut iz it wit eue people. When you gunna get it tru ur skull ewe lost. You und Urton, ur boat losahs.”

And here comes Randy. Orton says that ever since he and Dave were in Evolution, Dave always complained. Orton says that if he beats Sheamus, he’ll face Batista one-on-one. Dave starts roid raging. Sheamus says that “neiter uv dem deserve da taytule shut.” Cena comes out again and books a triple threat match.

Well, there are three shades in that ring; white, brown and orange. Dave slides out of the ring and Sheamus and Orton start it out. Sheamus goes for a pin but Batista slides in from behind enemy lines to make the save. Orton stomps on Batista for what feels like twelve rounds and Dave can see no evil. Randy hits him with an uppercut and he pounds on him like he’s condemned. Batista shows no quit like a marine and kicks out.

Orton and Batista brawl on the outside and Dave rakes his eyes. He then whips Orton into the ring and he’s pounding away on Randy. He then goes after Sheamus, throwing him into the announce position.

Orton and Batista are back in the ring brawling again but Sheamus appears like Casper to attack Randy but he gets rammed into the post and hits the floor on the outside. Dave then hits a clothesline for two and now here comes a high action resthold.

Batista hits a spinebuster on Orton and gives him a thumbs down. This leads to a…

Commercial?!

Really?!

REALLY?!

We’re back and Sheamus is in control. During the break, Orton rammed Batista’s head into the ringpost.

Orton lures Sheamus out of the ring and he drives him into the announce table. Batista then drives Orton into the ring apron. Lot of driving going on right now. Speaking of driving, time for these guys to GO HOME. Seriously, let’s start the go home, folks.

Batista drives his shoulder into Sheamus’s stomach. Orton knocks Batista out of the ring and Sheamus then hits a backbreaker on Batista. Randy delivers some clotheslines on both guys and he hits a scoopslam on Batista and Cole has come to life with his hoarse calls. Randy then goes for the second rope DDT on Sheamus but Sheamus blocks it and gets hit with Batista’s clothesline. Batista then slams Sheamus but Orton pulls him out and he goes for the pin but only gets two.

Orton then goes for the Second Rope DDT on Batista and he hits it. Randy drops to the ground and starts humping the mat but Sheamus knees Orton in the head. Sheamus sets Randy up for the Razor’s Edge, which is now called Pale Justice. I guess Wrestlecrap Driver was taken. Batista out of nowhere Spears Sheamus for two. Orton takes out Batista and Sheamus and he starts humping the mat again. Edge comes out of nowhere and he Spears Orton! EDGE IS BACK AS A HEEL!!!

And now, in honor of that, time to bring back the old Tony Schiavone rants: “What a swerve! That’s not on my programming sheet! That’s almost like a qualifying heel turn.”

Batista pins Orton and he is the #1 Contender.

This has been for your consideration.

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