For Your Consideration…Wayne’s World Wrestling Entertainment (Bitch)

For Your Consideration…Wayne’s World Wrestling Entertainment (Bitch)

Welcome back for another week of FYC. After last week’s epic three hour Draft episode (combined with Extreme Rules thoughts), this week’s column feels downright anemic. Ah well, if the WWE’s going to phone it in with Wayne Brady, I won’t feel so guilty. (Since I’m feeling shameless, might as well pimp my social network connections, so you can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, friend me on Facebook, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com or post a comment below).

On the plus side, this week’s RAW is a historic event. Tonight’s RAW is the final episode of the 2010 edition of the Monday Night War. So, for those of you keeping score: WWE: 2, WCW/TNA/GLOW: 0.

Now, I hate to gloat, but, to the fine folks of TNA:

You were wrong, I found his son, I found his son, I found his son.

Yeah, I figured if I was going to rip off “Scrubs”, it was going to take too much effort to make it creative. So that’s what ya got. Maybe if the “War” went longer I would have had time to compose something better. Long story short, the war with WCW was Vietnam while this was Grenada. See, and you thought you weren’t going to learn anything about world history. Your move, public schools.

In other news this past week, the WWE completed its Supplemental Draft, and things have certainly been interesting. I mean, Vance Archer AND Tyler Reks to Smackdown?! That’s like finding out you have two kinds of cancer at once. And not the good cancer either. We’re talking ribbon-wearing walk-a-thon cancer.

I kid, I kid. They are both tremendous talent and I’m sure sometime very soon I will be wishing them the best of luck in their future endeavors.

Originally, my gut reaction based on the Draft was that RAW cleaned up, but on closer inspection, Smackdown might actually make off with the better brand. No, no, no…don’t go click over to something else on Pulse (and here is where I’d make a snarky comment about a column on this site that I don’t like, but for the sake of Pulse unity, I’ll just leave this blank and fill it in with “Don’t go and watch an episode of ‘According to Jim’, which would be ironic because no sane person would ever do that.”).

See, we all knew that RAW had to become the “Superstar” show because MyNetwork and it’s collection of Law and Order cast-offs and redneck hosted game shows doesn’t deserve the massive star power of R-Truth or The Great Khali. Also there’s the fact that Vince is a vindictive (and intelligent) man who doesn’t want to run the risk of having any of his A-List stars help out the dying possum on the side of the road that is MyNetwork, so he made sure to boost Monday Night RAW into the supershow.

Yes, RAW got Edge and Jericho, the two biggest names on Smackdown that actually wrestle every week (Taker is the bigger star but he wrestles once every equinox and just the mention of his appearing pops the ratings so don’t mess with something that works). And yes, RAW got John Morrison, who has been called the future Shawn Michaels for so long that he should now be called the future Miz. The WWE moved Edge and Jericho to Monday Nights because they are major names, and with Hunter off of television, Batista moments away from becoming…snicker…the biggest action star of this decade and Randy Orton becoming all about puppy dogs and rainbows, RAW needed a serious injection of evil. And what’s more evil than Canadians?

RAW grabbed Morrison because on the off chance he starts believing his hype and actually steps up his game, its better that he does it on the flagship show rather than doing it in a match that’s going to be interrupted by a commercial break hyping rare coins and the Saturday Movie of the Week: “Iron Eagle III”?

RAW drafted R-Truth because…well…they essentially swapped Truth and Kingston. Both guys do spinny moves, both guys marginally pop the fans, but unlike Kofi, Truth can rap. No, he can’t wrestle as well, but who doesn’t enjoy a minstrel show in the 21st Century? Especially if they’re in Arizona.

RAW also picked up some freaks, including The Great Khali and Goldust. Why? Because it’s a “comedy” show and if the guest hosts don’t have a giant Indian guy and an androgynous Texan, how the hell are they going to be entertaining?

Oh yeah, and RAW got the Unified Tag Champs that they had anyway. At least this means that Bret Hart and his denim shorts will on RAW live every single week. So don’t think of it as gaining three young stars, think of it as gaining one older legend that you used to love, waited for over a decade to see and are now kinda depressed realizing that the fanfare just didn’t live up to the hype. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing the Hitman, but he’s kinda like seeing a better version of Muhammad Ali. Yes, we’re glad he’s alive, but come on…

Now, Smackdown, on the other hand, got a lot of the “misfit toys” to add to their sandbox. That’s a sandbox that already includes Rey Mysterio and CM Punk, mind you. Smackdown got Christian (because as a rule, Edge and Christian can never be on the same show), and judging by the fact that Christian didn’t job to Edge this past week, the WWE might have plans for him yet! Smackdown also got a surprisingly rejuvenated MVP (who always fared better on Friday Nights), a motivated Big Show and a possibly resurgent Chavo Guerrero. Combine that with Cody Rhodes, who actually didn’t suck in his match with Morrison, and you gotta feel good for that young brand.

Even better, by not having any other “big” names, Kurt Swangle could have a very nice little run at the top of the card. Maybe he’ll get to have some more matches with Kofi Kingston, who should flourish now that he’s away from Randy Orton.

Sure, they also got the Matherpiece and that fucking midget, but on the plus side…I don’t cover Smackdown.

I do, however, cover RAW, so let’s get to it with…

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 5/3/10

“Freddie Blassie, the manager of champions.”

We open with a very dramatic (and green tinted) replay of last week’s triple threat main event. Minus five points right off the bat for WWE Production for using Cole’s “the viper is ready to strike” soundbyte. In the end, Edge speared Orton and Big Star Dave is the #1 Contender. On a side note, I loved Edge’s heel turn of sorts on Smackdown.

Hey, it’s the same incredibly awful Nickelback theme, but with some new faces. And Melina. I keep forgetting that they didn’t fire her yet.

There’s pyro, ballyhoo and signs aplenty as we are LIVE from Jacksonville, home of the World’s Largest Cocktail Party. Tonight, the Cutting Edge is back with Randy Orton, so someone wake D.B. Sweeney.

Tonight’s broadcast starts with the only major Hollywood heavyweight not in “The Expendables”, perennial Oscar nominee Dave Batista. According to Lawler, Batista wants all of the spotlight. He shoots, he scores.

So after walking for miles inside that pit of danger, he has a message for all of us. And apparently they only way he could deliver that message was shirtless in his trunks. Seriously, I miss suit-wearing Batista. Hell, I’ll even take Kanye Batista.

Dave points out that he is the #1 Contender again when he should be WWE Champion…again. I know I went to law school and this may go over some of your heads, but you can’t be champion unless you beat the champ. Or if you find a belt in Shane McMachon’s duffle back.

Batista informs us the stipulations of a Last Man Standing match, despite the fact that we already saw a Last Man Standing match. See, when you beat your opponent so brutally that he can’t get up for ten whole seconds. “Can you count to ten?” “What?” See, this is why South Florida doesn’t really like North Florida.

Cole talks about how brilliant Cena’s strategy was, which knocks it down about a million cool points. And you thought that using duct tape was the lowest one could get, didn’t ya? Nope, there’s one rung lower: Cole Endorsed Strategy.

Dave says that it was the most embarrassing moment of John Cena’s career. And this is a man that had to main event a show against Khali. Batista again starts yelling duct tape, which I’m begging to be a ringtone. Dave says that this is something that the fucking midget would do. Well, he’s got a point there.

Tonight apparently is a Beat the Clock match night, where Batista and Cena will compete to see who picks the stipulation. His opponent is The Miz.

This brings out…Sheamus. Zuh? Sheamus is decked out in his t-shirt, so we can be thankful for that.

“You wunna talk abou patetic, bruta? Dats juw, tulkin bout ur Douba Douba Eee champunship mach afta ya lust ah Extreme Rhuls.”

Dave says that he never lost, but since he doesn’t have a ridiculous accent, he gets no such dictation.

“Ya lost, felluh. Iz dat simpull. See, unlike eue, ah akshully wun mah mach at Extreme Rhuls. You saw it, rught? Not only dat, ah did sumtin ewe nevah could. Aye took out Chiple Hache. Ya know wut, maybe duts da problem. Maybe duh reasun aye don have a Duble Ya Duble Ya Eee chumpunship mach ah Extreme Rhuls iz ah tuk out da sun-in-law. Or maybe da reason is John Cena iznt man enough ta face ma. All I know is ah deserve ta be in dat duble duble eye champunship mach, nah ewe. Ur tulkin bout fightin like ah man, so howboudit? You un me one un one toe-nite? If ewe win, ah shut me gob and wulk away. But if aye win, aye get wuts writefully mine, me agunst Juhn Cena at Ovah Da Line. Whadayasay?”

Dave says that he had his chance and he blew it.

“Aye didn lose. Aye wuzn’t pinned.”

Batista mocks the accent, which is gimmick infringement. Sheamus doesn’t take kindly to Dave not taking kindly. “If ewe tink fur one second, dis is ovah, ur wrong. Aye will be Duble Ya Duble Ya Eee chumpun agaun, an fellah, idll be soonah dan ewe tink.”

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes The Miz…but he’s not in wrestling attire?! That is so wacky and unpredictable! Miz has a note, because he is clearly Epstein’s mother. Miz says he wants to face Batista and give him the challenge that he deserves, but the trauma to his face won’t allow him to compete. FYI, the envelope is clearly labeled as “Doctor’s Note”. Fantastic. That is a professional diagnosis from the same guy that gave him his medical marijuana prescription. Miz says he has just the guy for Batista to face…

Bryan Danielson is ON RAW.

No, wait, that’s not Bryan Danielson. It’s Daniel Bryan, who is 0 and 9 and working a gimmick where he can’t pin anyone. Bryan says that he is sick of this and he’s going to make Batista tap out. Wait? Forward momentum from Daniel Bryan? Zuh?

Batista kicks Bryan in the stomach and goes for the Demon Bomb but he gets rolled up for two. Bryan grabs an ankle lock and Dave breaks free and rolls out of the ring. Dave gets back in and muscles him into the corner and wails away on Bryan. Keep in mind that on TNA, Nigel might be wrestling RVD for the title.

Bryan locks in a sleeper hold but Dave shrugs it off and kicks him in the face. It looks like Dave is calling this match. Don’t read that sentence again or blood might shoot out of your nose.

Dave gets caught in an octopus stretch but he just launches Bryan across the ring. Batista whips him out of the ring and drives his back into the apron. He then connects with a major clothesline for two. Bryan starts fighting back, though I don’t like how Lawler is treating him like he’s the 1-2-3 Kid.

Batista boots Bryan in the face for two. Bryan fires off some kicks and then locks in a Crossface and the crowd comes alive. Dave gets to the ropes and Bryan stomps away on him. Batista then kicks him in the knee after Bryan stopped to pop the crowd and Dave hits him with a Spear. Batista Bomb finishes it at 5:06. So let me get this straight, we wait for MONTHS to see Bryan Danielson on RAW and he gets treated like Barry Horowitz, except for the fact that Barry at least pinned Skip. Sure, it was fun to see Bryan competing against a World Champion, and I do understand why he couldn’t pin the champ, but the fact that Lawler felt the need to act amazed that Bryan didn’t just get flattened in about twelve seconds is insulting when the company has essentially said that Bryan is the top independent star in the world. Eh, whatever.

After the match, Batista hits another powerbomb. He leaves the ring before deciding to hit a third Batistabomb. With a dry, cool wit like that, he could be an action star.

Later tonight, John Cena will face Chris Jericho.

Commercial.

In the back, Eve Torres is posing with the Tramp Stamp Title. Wayne Brady and a manly black vest shows up and he says that Eve is his favorite Diva. Jillian Hall shows up and offers to sing Wayne’s theme song. She then sings and you’ll never believe what happens! She sounds bad! What a swerve! That wasn’t on my programming sheet. That’s almost like a qualifying song.

Eve goes back to posing for pictures but she gets jumped by Maryse.

Edge is in the back with a production goon and he is talking about highlights he wants to use. The guy keeps saying that they might not be able to use that. Josh Orton pops up out of nowhere and asks if he thinks that Randy is going to retaliate. Edge says that this is PG but he’s Rated R, and since this is live television, he’ll do what he wants whenever he wants. He is starting an Era of Controversy here tonight.

Commercial.

Out first is the Fortunate Son, Teddy CCR DiBiase. We get highlights of Teddy trying to buy R-Truth last week. Clearly someone hasn’t read his Constitution in the past hundred years.

Teddy says that R-Truth is from the streets and would relish the idea of never having to worry about money. Teddy wants to know what is he going to do? Sing? He only has one song. Hey, that’s a fair point. But on the other hand, Bobby McFerrin seemed to live rather comfortably off of one hit.

Don’t worry folks, be happy, here comes John Morrison. By the way, he is officially now the Monday Night Delight. And yes, I did just throw up a little.

Morrison starts off the match with some fast-paced flippy move action before clotheslining Teddy to the outside. He then follows with a top rope 450 that doesn’t really connect the way he was hoping. Teddy decides that he’s going to take the count-out loss John grabs the microphone and says that this isn’t how he’s debuting on RAW and he wants them to restart the match. John says that if he loses, he will be Teddy’s Virgil.

Commercial.

We’re back and Teddy is in control as John Morrison fights hard to not become a future drug addict that sits at comic book conventions in Podunk downs in the middle of nowhere signing glossy 8x10s.

Teddy picks up Morrison and clocks him with a right hand. Morrison turns around and hits that Pele Kick. John then hits a clothesline before trying for a springboard but he gets dropped on his head for two. Teddy connects with a scoopslam for two. John fights back with some punches but gets taken down with another clothesline. Teddy then goes for Dream Street but gets it reversed for the pin. After the match, Teddy jumps John Morrison, but this gets broken up by Resurrection-Truth.

Earlier tonight, The Best Wrestler in the World got beat by Batista in five minutes.

Commercial.

We’re back and on Friday Night Smackdown, Big Show knocked Chris Jericho the fuck out. Ironically enough, that was brought to you by Street Fighter IV.

Hey, it’s John Cena. That guy sure seems popular.

Now…RAW…Is…JERICHO.

No, wait, it isn’t, because he’s in a suit. Seriously, all of this bait-and-switch nonsense is making me think I’m watching WCW. What’s that? Coming up next is Silver King?

Jericho says that he is pulling himself out of the match because he doesn’t want Cena to get pregnant. Chris says he doesn’t need the gratification of beating Cena again, but he picked Cena’s opponent…Wade Barrett. So I guess that means tonight we’ve gotten to see the only two NXT guys that are guaranteed to be major stars.

Cena flashes the quasi-concerned face and the audience goes batshit as Cena takes his shirt off. John locks up and takes Wade down for two. Cena and Barrett trade some holds but Cena lifts Wade up for the FU. Jericho climbs onto the apron so Cena just throws Wade at him.

Barrett gets whipped into the ring and Cena and Jericho go at it. Wade kicks Cena into the announce position as Jericho screeches at the announcers like a modern day Jim Cornette. Since he’s yet to threaten Vince Russo’s life, he still has a lot to learn.

Wade starts throwing punches and clotheslines and he looks mighty impressive against the champion. Barrett stretches Cena before hitting a running boot for two. Wade connects with a backbreaker for two. Barrett then drops his knee into Cena’s back with 45 seconds left.

Cena then turns this into the STFU and Wade taps out with 27 seconds to spare. John poses with the spinning gold belt before asking for a microphone. He says that he officially beat the clock and will announce his stip but Sheamus runs out of nowhere and kicks Cena in the skull.

Still to come tonight, Randy Orton will be on the Cutting Edge, hosted by Edge. So it’s not just a cleaver name.

Commercial.

By the way, it has come to my attention that NEXT WEEK is the final Monday Night War head-to-head. My bad. Oh well.

We’re back and here comes the Dirty Hot Maryse. Earlier in the night Maryse stalked and attacked Eve. Wonder where she learned that?

Yes, I do feel bad about that joke.

Here comes one of the Bella Twins along with her sister (who won’t be wrestling). Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole are on camera talking about Batista and Cena as the match starts. I’m still not sure which Bella Twin is wrestling, but Maryse is kicking her ass and then hits a DDT for the full-cover pin. Oh, apparently it was Nikki. So for you completists, that was Nikki that lost in about twenty seconds.

Maryse shows her new photoshoot, which is called Maryse the Sexiest of Sexy. Basically it’s her posing over an unconscious Eve. Well, that’s class. Maryse flips her hair and Eve tries desperately to sprint down to the ring, but somehow she runs like a fat man with a limp. Maryse manages to escape this very slow onslaught and that beings us to…

Commercial.

Don’t try this at home. Injuries can happen at any time. But enough about the perils of writing a weekly column.

We’re back and Alicia Fox and Gail Kim are ringside. Zach Ryder is in the ring and he is still on RAW. Also apparently he’s single and ready to mingle. Long Island in the house, whatwhat. On Superstars, Ryder beat the hell out of Primo and he’ll do it again tonight before asking for his papers. Hey, maybe he’ll get Primo deported.

Wayne Brady puts the kaybosh on the match (thank you Wayne!) and instead of having to suffer through Primo Colon, we get…oh fuck…Mark Hey-Hey-Henry. Then again, it’s like a punch to the stomach instead of a knife in the eye.

Mark Henry slams Zach Ryder over and over again before going for a splash. Ryder hits a dropkick to Henry’s knee and then connects with a missile dropkick off the second rope. Ryder then hits the Ruff Ryder for two. Henry no-sells all of this and pancakes him in the corner. Mark then kinda stands there as Ryder bounces off of him as if he were a funhouse. Henry then hits the World’s StrongSaddest Slam for the pin.

Cole tries to make a self-deprecating joke, but that only works when we like the person. Henry then takes the multiracial Divas to the back with him. Hey, maybe one of them will give birth to a hand.

In the back, Jericho and Miz are both talking about being punched in the face by Big Show. By the way, if Jericho, Miz and Wade Barrett formed a little stable and added a fourth, that would be incredible.

Jericho takes credit for elevating Big Show finally and Miz says that there’s nothing they can do about it. Chris says he has a strategy and they are going to make a statement.

Commercial.

For some reason, we get a video package hyping John Morrison.

Vladimir Kozlov is in the back with Wayne Brady and Santino Marella shows up dressed like a member of the Brady Bunch. Santino wants to team up with Kozlov like Sandra Bullock and her husband. William Regal then shows up and says that they have a match to prepare for. Santino compares Wayne with Lando before pointing on that Regal and Kozlov don’t get along. Goldust then appears dressed like Alice from The Brady Bunch and the “hilarity” thankfully ends.

RAW also got Ezekiel Jackson, who, because of his injury, won’t be on television for a while and probably wind up on Smackdown.

The Canadians are in the back and they are walking towards a…

Commercial.

Last week, The Biz lost to the Hart Dynasty.

Miz and Jericho are at the commentary table, which means that they are going to challenge for the tag belts. As an added plus, Jericho tells Cole to shut up because he sucks.

So it’s the Hart Dynasty versus Regal and Kozlov. Cole steps all over the advertisements and then the lights go out for some reason. Cole’s level of suckiness is now effecting electricity.

Kidd and Regal start it off and Tyson is on the top rope and Kozlov just yanks him off of it and throws him to the floor. Tyson’s clutching his arm before being whipped back into the ring so that Regal can pick him apart. Kozlov gets tagged in and he delivers the headbutts to Ricky Mortonn. Regal gets tagged back in as Jericho and Miz prove that they are gold on the microphone.

Tyson rolls through and kicks Regal in the head before scoring the “hot” tag to Smith. If someone goes for a hot tag and the fans don’t care, does it make a sound?

Smith goes for the Sharpshooter to Regal and Regal taps immediately. Well that’s gotta be embarrassing.

Miz runs in to jump Smith but DH lays out Miz. Jericho then runs in and hits a Codebreaker. Cole says that they should be called the Egomaniacs. Shut up, Cole.

Miz now hits the SCF on Smith. The two men who suited up celebrate on the apron as we yet again relive the end of the triple threat match for the twelfth time tonight.

Commercial.

Next week’s host is Flavor Flav. I’m already sick of it and it hasn’t even happened yet.

Here comes Edge. I wonder why. If only there was a graphic somewhere earlier in the night to tell me what was going down.

Edge is rocking sunglasses indoors because this is the Era of Controversy. Edge is now the Master Psychologist, which hi guess makes him Dr. Edge. Dredge.

Edge says that he’s back on RAW whether we like it or not. He says that we all want an explanation for what happened last week, but you people don’t deserve one. Calm down Wayne, he was talking about all the fans.

Edge says that when he came back from injury, he was prepared to be the White Knight. Last week, Ted DiBiase gets Edge drafted to RAW, and his plan to beat Swangle went up in smoke. Edge was angry about this, so spearing Orton was an act of defiance. Sure he screwed Randy, but he became the most talked about guy on any brand. He then brings out…

Wait, it’s Wayne Brady. Brady expects some pyro, but it’s a no-go. Wayne hugs Edge. Wayne says that he loves the WWE and grew up on the WWE and this is why he’s there. Brady says that there are a lot of people and he wants to feel like he is walking in Edge’s footsteps.

Wayne Brady starts cutting a promo on any past and future Guest Hosts and says that RAW is his house.

I hear voices, and here comes a guy who may or may not be a snake. It’s kinda like V. Or I’m assuming it is. I gave up on that show after one week and yet have been able to stick with LOST all the way through. Why? Because LOST is awesome. Next week’s guest host should be the Smoke Monster.

Orton stares down Wayne Brady before dropping him with an RKO. Randy and Edge circle around a stool before Edge says that he won’t get RKOed because last week was wrong place and wrong time and Orton would have done the same thing. Also, the last time Randy was on the Cutting Edge was that they became a tag team. Rated RKO. They can be the real Two Man Power Trip, minus the quad tear.

Edge came back from injury, filmed commercials, created a chant and the fans didn’t care about him. Orton is a dick and yet the fans like him. Edge says that he will hunt down Orton if he goes after him tonight. Randy stands there and seethes before going for an RKO. Edge boots him in the fact and sets up for a Spear. “Orton has no idea that Edge is setting up from behind.” Thanks Cole.

Orton turns around and turns the Spear into an RKO.

This has been for your consideration.