Last night’s episode was the least watched American Idol since halfway through the first season. That sobbing you hear is Simon Cowell realizing he’s losing steam. X Factor might already be destined for disaster since it’s obvious people don’t care about savouring his final days on the Idol judges panel. There’s dozens of reasons for the ratings juggernaut cooling down, but a simple five are obvious after last night. These kids just aren’t that great. There’s no panache. There’s no sizzle. There’s no surprise. There’s no development. There’s just five kids who know that somebody has to win so they sing to just not be the worst of the night. The judges have earned their money this season as they overpraise the mediocrity in hopes of fooling the dwindling audience. Taylor Hicks would have stomped this quintet.
Harry Connick Jr. opens the show by joking he could have been in the Top Five. He could have dominated. We get the gushes from the judges mixed with Randy trashing Casey James. This is going to be painfully long since we’ve only got five people left to tease about one of them being exiled to the rehearsal room. Ryan says 32 million people voted. Lady Gaga and Harry Connick Jr are the performers. That’s an unusual mix of pianists. Will Harry be wearing her barbed wire suit? Simon wears a sweater and a high collar t-shirt. Guess he got my memo about his happy trail making my grandmother puke on the cat. Speaking of regurgitating, the Top Five give us a medley of songs Frank Sinatra used to sing. They are all in black suits. Aaron Kelly gets the joy of singing “When I was 17, it was a very good year.” The lip synching is more annoying than their actual performances. They all keep their grip on the microphones high and tight to block their mouths from our views. This is as sappy as any theme park musical number.
Top 4 next week get “Songs of the Cinema” with Jamie Foxx as the mentor. I can’t wait to hear Lee DeWyze do the love theme to Dolemite. The Ford commercial is a soft folkie making it seem like Lee DeWyze has eyes for Crystal Bowersox, but he just loves his Ford Fiesta. They kill more time with a behind the scenes piece on what they do on Tuesdays. Michael Lynche and Crystal Bowersox do have their family living with them. Things aren’t that isolated for them like the contestants on Survivor or Price is Right. The five sit on the sofa as Ryan grills them about how they feel. Casey is a marked man. The lights get dimmed. Lee DeWyze is the first up. Ryan brings him to the center of the stage. He does his wishy washy routine while talking about last night. Lee is safe and sent to the formerly known as the Barstools of Doom. Why must they change things up? Barstools bad. Sofa good. Frankenstein’s monster is now confused.
Here comes Lady Gaga to rock us. She’s got a giant angel statue on the middle of the stage. She’s in a black goth outfit highlighted by a mosquito netting. “Bad Romance” starts it off. The stage is covered in dancing guys only wearing bicycle shorts. Does this mean the after party is in Ryan’s dressing room? She’s covered in fishnet stocking. Is this her show of solidarity with the shrimpers of Louisiana that are ruined by BP’s oil spill? “Don’t Call My Name” is a weak track. It ends with flames coming out of the angel. This is perhaps her lamest performance on TV. The song sounded like a rip off of Madonna’s “Isla Bonita” and Abba’s “Fernando.”
More time killing with bloopers from Harry’s mentor session. Why doesn’t Harry have his own reality show on VH1? This turns out to be more entertaining than the performances. Harry comes out to give us the passion with his big band. He goes Frank with a smolder on the Beatles’ “And I Love Her.” The dorks in the audience wave their hands. Why? This is slow dancing music. He brings out the Top Five to sing his songs. Harry wanted a royalty paycheck out of this gig, too. The wife swears they have a stunt voice when Casey moves his lips. Their vocals are on Memorex processed through an Autotune. This explains why Harry is smiling and not wincing in fear. He knows what’ll be coming out of their mouths.
After 48 minutes, Ryan will now go through the fate of the remaining 4 contestants. Crystal Bowersox is sent to start a group on the far side of the stage. Michael Lynche is sent to the near side of the stage. Aaron Kelly joins Big Mike. Casey James stands next to Crystal. Lee is asked who is the bottom two. He won’t answer. He’s not Ryan’s sock monkey! Mike and Aaron are the bottom two. What? How did Casey dodge that bullet? Naturally we get a commercial break to extend the tension.
Ryan brings down the lights and gives Aaron Kelly the news that he’s out of the race. The winner of the American Idol Experience at Disney won’t get to repeat it on the big show. Still unexplainable how Casey’s crash and burn didn’t get him ushered off. We’ll be seeing Aaron onstage in three weeks. He’s extra raspy on his swansong of “Fly Me to the Moon.” So much for Simon saying people like this kid and he’ll be back for another round. Simon gave him the kiss of death. At least Aaron has a shot of playing Wayne Newton in a biopic if he can put on a few pounds. Maybe even more people will tune out next week with the fear of Casey and Jamie Foxx grinning it up.
