For Your Consideration…Public Enemy is RAW (And I don’t mean Rocco Rock)

For Your Consideration…Public Enemy is RAW (And I don’t mean Rocco Rock)

Welcome to what I’m sure will be one of the more embarrassing guest host editions of Monday Night RAW. Flavor Flav is a clown and a fool, which is a shame because the last few Guest Hosts have actually been game for the challenge. Then again, since I’m writing this part before the show, maybe he’ll prove me wrong kids. Prove me wrong.

Aside from what should be a lackluster Guest Host, RAW tonight should be fairly paint-by-numbers. With a new Pay-Per-View coming up in a few weeks, the WWE has to crank up the promotional machine to get me to fork over my cash.

My biggest problem with the DUI PPV is that it doesn’t have any theme to it. I thought the whole idea of rebranding the lesser shows was so that we wouldn’t have to think at all. I know what a TLC PPV is. I know what an all submissions PPV is. I even know what Money in the Bank is, because the WWE drilled it into my head as if I were a Pavlovian dog. But what in the blue hell is Over the Limit supposed to actually be, aside from .08? Also, does anyone else find it odd that it sounds WAY too close to Over the Edge, the awfully ironic name of the show where Owen Hart passed away?

Tonight is also the first show since the end of the Second Monday Night War. Unlike the first one, that ended with the Hiroshima bombing of WCW in which Vince on-air fired half the roster, this one will end with Spike TV airing Revenge of the Sith (something that will make my fiancé very happy and probably confuse the seven or eight TNA fans who were “excited” to see their favorite completely coherent wrestling show). Since Vince doesn’t have any competition anymore, that tiny twinge of urgency that he might have been feeling can now finally dissipate. My guess is we’ll get several lame comedy skits featuring Santino Marella and Goldust because now the company doesn’t have to worry about anyone flipping over to see what the “other” wrestling show is doing.

I think I’m actually going to miss TNA on Monday Nights, because no matter how bad RAW got, TNA seemed to be about ten times worse. Yes, they had ONE good show from top to bottom, but that’s because they kitchen sinked the entire broadcast and it didn’t mean a damn thing in the long run. The only positive move TNA made was firing Bubba the Love Sponge, because the last thing WCW-lite needed was a more obnoxious Mark Madden. Now that they’re back on Thursday Nights, maybe they will pull back the throttle a little bit and actually book a decent show. Or they’ll just have Kevin Nash beat half the roster. Ya know, whatever.

Tomorrow night is the first elimination round of NXT, and I think the WWE has made a smart idea telegraphing who’s going to go. While Daniel Bryan did his whole foot shuffle and downturned head routine, there’s no way the WWE doesn’t cut Michael Tarver. Tarver’s gimmick has been perfect because he now stands out with a unique “thing” about him. He’s the guy who felt he was above all of the crap that NXT was making people do, and that by being such a “wild man”, he should be dumped first out of contempt for the broadcast.

Tarver has been pushing himself as the guy who doesn’t follow rules, though he hasn’t really done anything beyond being a petulant child. He started out with the fairly cool catchphrase of “an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other”, but that didn’t really go anywhere. He also proclaimed himself the knockout king with his one punch, yet I don’t think he actually knocked anyone out. It would be like having a guy who claims to be a submissions expert and never having him tap out. But they would never do that, right? Right?

So Tarver is telegraphed to be the first guy dumped, and that’s fine by me. Carl Ito seems to have reunited with his brother Harpo, so he doesn’t need to keep showing up on NXT. Tarver can keep his unpredictable gimmick going by constantly running in on other NXT guys, so he’ll be gone but not forgotten. Best of all, thanks to his inability to cut a promo without stumbling, he’ll no longer have to actually talk on television to make an impact.

On the other hand, the WWE could cut Daniel Bryan and then have him come back to take down The Miz. But that would actually help Bryan and advance his career, and that isn’t part of the company’s brilliant creative decisions. See, they keep saying that they have “big plans” for Bryan, but it seems like they’re hedging their bets with the current loser angle. And I for one can’t really blame them. Say someone decides that Bryan just isn’t that good or isn’t up to WWE level, then the company can say he never won a match and deserved to be cut. If, however, they do decide to make something out of him, they can say that he succeeded in spite of being an IWC darling and an indie wrestler. This is what the WWE calls a win-win situation, which makes TNA’s failure all the more depressing. But I guess in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Of kings.

Lastly, there’s the story going around that Vince is blaming Creative for the failure of this year’s Wrestlemania. Now try to not die of shock, but I’m going to actually back Creative up on this one. I think that given the roster they had, the WWE Creative Team put together a solid top-to-bottom show. Now it didn’t deliver well in the execution, but that has no baring on the numbers. People plunk down their money based on the strength of the card, not the quality of the show. Wrestlemania always draws the large core audience, but they need those extra little hooks to really rope the fans in.

I do see how there were problems with the show, but Creative made the best out of some bad situations. First and foremost was the idea to go with Taker and Michaels for a second year in a row. I had been against the idea of doing Taker/Michaels for a while, namely because we had just seen it the previous year. Not only did we see the match, but we saw what might have been a top five all time Wrestlemania Match. I felt that they laid it all out on the table and they showed the world that men at their advanced age could still steal the spotlight.

Now, before I get the predictable comments from those that will say that I don’t understand and that the match at 26 was amazing, let me just appease you now and say that their match at Wrestlemania 26 was a very good match. I still prefer their 25 match, but that’s not the point here. The point is that for the casual viewer who only orders Mania and maybe only hears about what’s going on in the WWE right around April felt that this year’s show was a retread. Sure, the match was going to be good, but could it possibly be as good as 25? People (including myself) had doubts. Also going against it was the fact that there was a career versus streak stipulation that no one really bought. Normally when a guy is going away for good, we hear about it. We knew when Flair was going to be gone, so the match at 24 had a lot more drama. We (thought) we knew when Sting’s last match was going to be, so it had a lot more drama as well. For this match, most people figured that we’d either get a shmoz ending or see Shawn get screwed, which would allow him to come back in a few months. No one expected Shawn to actually retire, so the emotional investment truly wasn’t there. Hell, in my Mania review, I bashed the ending of the show because I just didn’t really believe that he was retiring. Guess the joke was on us initially, but on the WWE in the end. Maybe the company should have leaked that Shawn was really retiring, because promoting Shawn’s final match would have drawn a whole lot of eyeballs.

The second problem with Mania were the two rushed World Title matches. Jericho/Edge had been building for a while with hardcore fans, but the casual viewer tends to forget what they saw the week prior, so to have them remember all the way back to six months earlier is a bit too much to ask for. Plus, people really didn’t buy Edge as a face. Sure, we were all excited to see him return, but he was the best heel of the past decade and we didn’t want to see him as one of the shiny happy people. His feud with Jericho should have been epic, but when you have two guys that are perfect dastardly villains, the fans just can’t accept either one in the white boots.

The other title match, Cena/Batista, didn’t really work so well because Dave was a Smackdown guy and their storyline didn’t feel very organic. Sure, Creative ultimately figured out the whole “We were catching on at the same time but you became a star and I didn’t” angle, but they should have gone with that from day one. But that’s not their fault. The WWE seemed very indecisive about where they were going, especially when you consider this could have been Hunter and Sheamus for the strap. The writing team and the wrestlers made the most of it (especially with Batista, who seemed to shine in this role as a heel), but there wasn’t the kind of long-term story that we are used to for Mania. And that’s not Creative’s fault, that’s Vince’s.

The rest of the card was filled with culminations of storylines ranging from the implosion of Legacy (in a match that no one thought was going to be good), the continuation of the Mysterio/Punk war and the end of Vince versus Bret. I think that Creative can take the blame for the poorly constructed Bret Hart angle, but there weren’t too many people who were buying the show for that. Yes, there were people buying the show to see Bret, but they weren’t plunking down their money because of the great leg cast swerve.

Overall, the show was solid on paper and the best of some rocky situations. Vince could have blamed injuries, he could have blamed oversaturation of the market or even the downturned economy, but to blame the writers that seemed to spin gold from straw is a bit of a stretch. Bashing the writers is usually the way to go, but here he was way off the mark.

Alright, time to get to RAW. Remember, you can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, friend me on Facebook, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com or just post your thoughts in the comments section below.

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 5/10/10

“Andre the Giant.”

We open with a video package recapping The Cutting Edge from last week. If you saw last week, you know what happened. If you didn’t, click my archive. Interesting side note on this package is that they seemed to show Rated RKO wailing on Shawn Michaels a lot. To quote Billy Crystal paraphrasing Edward G. Robinson, “Where’s ya messiah now, see?”

The live show opens with Randy Orton and his voices. We are in Pittsburgh like the Vicksburgs (there’s your “That Thing You Do” reference for the week) and Cole informs us that there are a fuckton of people live in the arena. In two weeks at DUI, Orton and Edge will “crash head on”, according to Jerry.

Randy says that he didn’t join Rated RKO because he knows that Edge wants to just keep him under control. This gets interrupted by Meat Loaf. Wait…what?

Sure enough, there’s Robert Paulson. Meat Loaf says that Randy Orton is the man about twenty times as if he were Slick. Meat Loaf says that he had to see Orton because he’s got a new album and there’s a song that Randy should use as his new theme song. Meat Loaf then asks Randy if he wants to hear the song. Meat Loaf asks for the song to start and I’m just depressed watching this. I used to love Meat Loaf and this is just embarrassing.

We all know that this will lead to the inevitable Orton beatdown of Meat Loaf, but it just keeps going on so long that I feel bad for Meat Loaf. Finally, Orton RKOs Meat Loaf, and this isn’t the way to get Randy over. You can’t just repeat everything Steve Austin did and hope that lighting strikes twice. The idea is to keep Randy AWAY from the stupid shit.

Edge shows up and says that Randy Orton doesn’t like celebrities. Edge says he doesn’t like celebrities either and he called WWE Global Headquarters and they tweeted him back and they agree with Edge. Edge says that Guest Hosts have no authority on RAW. Well, I guess this is the beginning of the end of the Guest Host shtick. Edge says that there is a permanent general manager and the new GM is Vicki Guerrero.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

“Really? Sixteen ‘no’s’?” – How I Met Your Mother.

Sure enough, there she is. She says that she will be a true professional and Orton attacking celebrities is something that the WWE doesn’t condone. What if one of those celebs gets accused of statutory rape?

Randy asks Vicki to come down to the ring to reprimand him to his face. Edge says that Randy is a bully and tonight he’s…EXCUSE ME…going to take on Edge and a partner of his choice in a handicap match.

Jericho and The Miz are in the back having a conference before Chris parts to walk towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and sitting at ringside are members of the Steelers. Hey, remember when Big Ben hosted RAW? Between him and Lawrence Taylor, it’s a shock that the WWE would let any NFL players anywhere near RAW.

Jerry “Mystic Tan” Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole are ringside and they confirm that Vicki is in fact the new GM.

Here comes Chris Jericho, and if he wins this match, he and Miz will face the Unified Tag Team Champions at DUI. His opponent is DH Smith. Later on tonight, Miz and Tyson Kidd will face off and if Miz loses, he has to defend the US Title against a Hart Family member. And its Bret’s last night on RAW. Hmm…

Jericho and Smith lock up and Smith starts off by pounding away on Chris before hitting the vertical suplex. He goes for a leg drop but that “wily Jericho” moves out of the way. Thanks Cole. I didn’t think these guys were cartoonish enough without your ultra hip Looney Tunes references. Combine that with his lame attempt at an “Iron Man” reference and…actually…I don’t think Cole could get any worse. Basically this is just par for the course.

Jericho charges Smith but DH moves and Chris hits the turnbuckle. Smith delivers a scoop slam for two before turning around and eating an elbow. Jericho goes for a Lionsault but it gets turned into a Sharpshooter. So I guess anyone that’s related to the Harts or trained in the Dungeon can use that move? So by that logic, since Chris was trained in the Dungeon, he should be able to use it, right?

Chris pulls out the old thumb in the eye, which isn’t as good as the fork in the eye, and then connects with the Codebreaker for the pin. Wow, I didn’t see that coming. I thought for sure that the Hart Dynasty was going to defend their tag titles against the formidable team of…uh…is Techno Tag Team 2000 still around?

In the back, Edge is talking to Batista, who is wearing a black long sleeve shirt, a black skullcap and NO PANTS. What kind of meeting is this, anyway?

Coming up next, we’ll find out the Batista/Cena stipulation. Oh, and also Flavor Flav will be here. Huzzah.

Commercial.

We’re back and this Friday on Smackdown, Mysterio will face Punk. That should be awesome.

And now here comes the polar opposite as Resurrection-Truth and Flavor Flav come out to Truth’s “What’s up” nonsense. Flav’s complete inability to utter the “What’s Up” is astounding when you consider that was the only talent he had. When a hype man can’t HYPE, something has gone horribly wrong.

Truth says that Flav is a hip hop legend and the star of something called “Night Tales” and hey, he’s from Pittsburgh. Yet another reason New York is superior to Pennsylvania.

Flav asks everyone to chant his name I think. I don’t really understand what the hell he’s saying. I think his show is a “Twilight Zone” rip-off, even though it sounds like a softcore Skinamax show. Flav then keeps mumbling about other nonsense before saying that R-Truth is the truth.

In the corner of my eye, I can see William Regal, and I think a part of his soul is slowly dying. So apparently Regal is facing Truth. Truth does some cartwheels and spins and flips but then the Colons show up and jump Truth. Wow, it’s like everything I hate all combined in one massive collection of awful.

Flav is on the microphone and he sells Carl Ito hitting the Backstabber in about the least convincing way ever before calling Lawler Gene. The Colons are now met at the top of the ramp by Ted DiBiase, who hands them envelopes. Well guess who just got their citizenship papers! Arizona, here we come!

Later on tonight, Randy Orton will face Edge and a silhouette. I think I know WHO it is. Bring on Jim Neidhart!

Commercial.

We’re back and we relive the thrilling excitement of Eve winning the Tramp Stamp title. Wow, this feature has Jim Ross sound bytes. So he does exist. I just thought the concept of a competent commentator was a dream. So maybe Skittlebrew exists too.

We get footage from earlier today of Maryse and her “karate” instructor who doesn’t at all look like some indie worker they just tossed in the ring. Maryse throws him around before he says that Maryse just doesn’t get it. She then speaks French before beating the crap out of him. You know, there are men that would pay good money to get treated like that.

In the back, Randy Orton is in his locker-room before being joined by mini-Randy Josh Matthews. Randy isn’t concerned about the handicap match. He wants Vickie to come down to the ring so he can make this a night she’ll never forget. Apparently he’s going to take her out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.

Commercial.

We’re back and Buzz Aldrin is in a space suit and he promises to take RAW to the moon. He then gets hit by Mark Hey-Hey Henry’s chair. Oh, and its commercial free.

Gail Kim and Alicia Fox are ringside again as Zach Ryder tries to put the moves on them again. Ryder buries the Igloo before saying that Ryder is going to get his first win on RAW. Woo, woo, woo, you know it. (Sorry, Long Island boys get their full gimmicks)

Evan Bourne is out next and something tells me he’s going to leave with the multiracial Divas.

Ryder and Bourne charge and Zach takes him down with a shot to the midsection. He then hammers away on Bourne as we wait for Evan to get his Token Offense. Sure enough, there’s a standing headscissor followed by a spinning heel kick for two. Ryder connects with the Ruff Ryder for two. Ryder rams him into the corner as Cole tells us that he’s the Long Island Loudmouth. As someone who was born on LI, I gotta say that that is an impressive distinction.

Bourne goes to the top rope for Air Bourne but Alicia Fox tries to distract him. Gail Kim yanks her off and Bourne still hits Air Bourne for the pin. Evan stops Gail and escorts her up the ramp. Aw, looks like someone’s gonna pop his cherry. Or dumpling, as the case may be.

We relive John Cena making Wade Barrett tap in the Beat the Clock match last week. We then see him get jumped by Sheamus.

Up next, Cena is going to reveal the stipulation. I hope it’ll be something on a pole.

Commercial.

Did you know? WWE has been making wishes come true through Make-A-Wish. Five bucks says none of those kids have ever wanted to meet Michael Cole.

Here comes John Cena, complete with his Gator colors and title belt. Lawler says that this is a moment the fans will never forget. I knew things were sad in that town, but I didn’t realize it had gotten this bad.

John Cena says that this is a special occasion but he wants to thank Sheamus. Because of his outburst, Cena had a week to think about his stipulation. He’s decided that the Last Man Standing match finish was creative but it was the easy way out. Cena says he’s been called many things in his life, but he isn’t a communist. I mean coward. John Cena says that tonight he will prove it by saying he will face Batista in a fair but brutal match. Punjabi Prison? Cena says this will be the last time he will face Batista for the WWE Title. John says if he loses he will forfeit his rematch clause. In two weeks at DUI, John Cena will face Batista in an “I Quit” match. Well that seems fair seeing as how Batista has so many amazing submissions. Cena says that this is all thanks to Sheamus and he wants to thank him right now.

And here he comes. “Ewe wanna tank me, fellah. See ta don tink ya taught dis tru, cuz if aye come downta dat ring, ah guarantee, ahl leave ya in no condition to beat Batista in an eye kvit match. Eye no ih, deez people no ih, and deep down insie, ewe dew tew. So alaska again, dew ew really wan me ta cum down dere.”

Cena responds by taking of his hat and shirt.

“Yer a foolish man, cuz dat desisun just cost ye ur Duba Duba Ee Campionship.”

Cena faces down Sheamus but Batista comes out of nowhere to spear Cena. Sheamus then delivers a backbreaker as Cole just now realizes that these were terrible odds. So did he eat paint chips as a child?

Batista drives Cena’s back into the ring post before throwing him to Sheamus. Sheamus hits the bicycle kick to knock Cena out cold. Batista then sets him up for a Batistabomb but this gets very slowly broken up by Mark Hey-Hey Henry. Zuh? This is more shocking than the Meat Loaf run-in. I expected to see a late 70’s rock star before I expected to see Mark Henry.

Henry tosses Batista out of the ring before helping Cena up.

We’re in the back and Vickie is in the back texting. Edge shows up to say that he found a partner. Edge now takes this time to apologize to Vickie for badmouthing her. The world is always against them. Edge asks Vickie to be ringside for their match. Edge guarantees that nothing will happen to Vickie, and if Randy tries anything, she can fire him. She needs to be there to show everyone that she isn’t intimidated and so she can see the look on his face after Edge beats him.

Commercial.

We’re back and Tyson Kidd apparently doesn’t get his own entrance. Awesome.

Speaking of Awesome, here comes The Miz. So if Miz loses, he has to defend his US Title next week against a member of the Hart Family. Will it be Corey? Or Gary? Before I can even finish my random Hart jokes, Kidd pins The Miz. Well that was fantastic.

Miz says he gets to decide which member of the Hart Family he will face. Miz selects Bret Hart. Shocker. I totally did not see that coming earlier in my column. Eh, I’m still stoked to see it.

Josh Matthews is in the back with Dave Batista, who is wearing the world’s largest towel around his neck. Later on tonight, Batista is facing Mark Henry. Dave promises to make John Cena scream “I quit.”

Commercial.

We’re back and the eight NXT rookies are in the ring. They will face four WWE Superstars.

They will face John Morrison, Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust and John Morrison. All four of them are wearing sunglasses and get to be in slow motion. Yeah John, this was that push you’ve been promised. Also, anyone notice that Michael Tarver looks like Bossk, the lizard bounty hunter guy from “Star Wars”?

Goldust and Wade Barrett start it out as Wade wails away on Goldust. Goldust turns it around before tagging in Yoshi Tatsu, who delivers a chop off the second rope. Wade tags in Justin Gabriel. The two of them exchange some very slowly executed flippy moves before Justin connects with a spinning heel kick. Then David Otunga MISSES THE TAG. How do you botch a tag? Seriously, cut this fool aready.

Otunga goes for a charge off the rope and hesitates for some reason so that he can ensure his exposing of the business. Otunga then synches in a chin lock, because that’s hard to botch. Otunga tags in Heath Slater and he faces off with John Morrison. Morrison wails away on Slater, who is actually selling the moves. Tarver runs in and gets launched into Darren Young. Morrison then kicks Slater in the temple before going for Starship Pain. Slater gets his knees up but it doesn’t work out so well. Bryan comes in and charges Morrison but now has to face off with Santino. Bryan then rolls him up for a small package and that’s it. The NXT stars hoist him up on their shoulders as the rookies celebrate.

We get a Classics on Demand commercial, which is freaking awesome.

Commercial.

On Smackdown, Drew McIntyre beat the hell out of Matt Hardy and was fired. Fired? Really? I would have given him a bonus.

Flavor Flav is in the back with the Bella Twins and they talk about his crappy show. Vladamir Kozlov and Santino Marella show up for wacky foreign comedy. William Regal shows up to stop the shenanigans. Regal says that Flav has no talent. Kozlov tells him to bust a move, which is funny because he’s foreign. Regal then raps. I need a drink.

Cole and Lawler review the card for DUI: Edge/Orton, Punk/Mysterio, Cena/Batista, Big Show/Swagger, JeriMiz/Hart Dynasty.

Here comes Batista, who has pulled a chair out in the center of the ring. Yeah, save your energy, because you’re going to have to carry this match and that’s a lot of carrying.

Commercial.

We’re back and Batista is still phoning it in from his folding chair. And here comes Kool Aid Man himself, Mark Hey-Hey Henry. So far on this show, we’ve seen Santino, Primo Colon, R-Truth and now Mark Henry. What the hell did I do to deserve this?

Henry starts to slowly climb into the ring but Dave gets out of his chair to jump him. He then starts wailing away on Henry with the chair. He then delivers some very fake shots with the chair to Henry’s arm. He then locks in a nice looking stretch as Henry sells being unconscious by literally sticking his tongue out of his mouth. I’m half expecting small canaries to circle his dreadlocked head.

We then follow this pulse pounding moment by reliving Randy Orton beating the hell out of Meat Loaf.

Commercial.

We’re back and next week John Cena will face Sheamus and Bret Hart will challenge The Miz for the US Title.

I hear voices in my main event. Edge is out next along with Vickie Guerrero in a very smart Lane Bryant outfit. Edge’s partner is…Ted DiBiase. Get ready for a lot of punches and kicks, folks.

Randy and Teddy lock up and Orton takes him down with a shoulder-block. Teddy then kicks Randy but Edge gets the blind tag and takes Orton from behind. That’s what she said.

Edge stomps away on Randy before muscling him into the corner. He tags in Teddy, who mixes up the punch and kick offense with…kicks. He then follows that up with punches on the outside. Teddy then tags Edge back in, who stomps on Randy’s chest. Edge seeks adulation from the fans before going for an Edgecution. Orton blocks it but gets caught with a boot to the face for two.

I blame Edge’s lack of heat on those ridiculous pants. They look awful. Teddy gets tagged in and he hits a clothesline for two. Teddy then grabs a chin-lock. I see Otunga’s been studying tape from the greats like Teddy.

Orton battles out but catches an elbow before coming back with clotheslines. Orton hits a scoopslam before launching Edge into the announce position. Teddy stomps Randy but Orton hits the reverse backbreaker. And now it’s time to hump the ground. Randy goes for the RKO but Teddy blocks hit. He gets launched over the top rope.

Resurrection-Truth comes to run out…in the main event…of RAW…and a distracted Teddy eats an RKO for the pin.

Orton now gives Vickie that come hither stare. So does this make R-Truth an accessory to attempted rape? I’m gonna go ahead and say yes.

Vickie is apparently glued to the chair because she isn’t trying to get up. She tells Randy not to do it as she shrieks out Edge’s name. She threatens Randy before resigning as GM. Orton then turns around and RKO’s Edge as Vickie turns tail and runs.

Well that lasted long.

Randy now poses in the ring as we get to re-live Vickie quitting. Edge is out cold and as he fades to black, we fade to black.

This has been for your consideration.