It’s that time once again and it couldn’t have happened…
TO A NICER GUY!
I kid. However…IT’s TIME TO GET…….RAW!
We recap the I Quit Match from last night’s Over the Limit.
We’re live from Toledo, Ohio! We kick things off with Batista, somehow surprisingly…limping with two referees in tow. They couldn’t get that man a wheelchair? Oh, the wheelchair is in the ring. That makes things alright. He demands the spotlight and he rants on how he quit last night. Not really, he actually admits that he quit last night…but he did so because he feared for his life. Because of Cena, he’s debating on filing a lawsuit against John Cena, the WWE, and the WWE Universe. Batista believes in honor and he’s out for what could be weeks, months, or years. One thing…he’ll be back and he will be stronger than ever and he deserves a rematch.
Justin Roberts announces our new RAW General Manager…Abraham Washington! Oh wait…if anyone actually believed that tid bit…please take your losses and pout. For those that guessed Bret Hart, the cashier will see you with your winnings. Bret proclaims that there’s a new sheriff in town and he introduces a new Pay-Per-View concept, Fatal Four Way. If Batista wants another shot at Cena, he has to qualify for the match right here right now. Bret’s response: so is your opponent, Randy Orton! Bret tells Batista that he either has two options – take it or forefit. Batista threatens to quit the company, so Bret takes it as a forefit. HAHA! Batista wants Bret to return…he ignores him. So Batista says that the WWE will go bankrupt in a week. He curses and he quits! The arena blows up in excitement.
Commercials.
Moments ago, Batista quits again.
Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match: Mark Henry v. Sheamus
Bell rings and they lock up. Sheamus realizes quickly he’s up against a brick wall, so he approaches Henry differently. Powerslam by Henry and Sheamus won’t quit. Out goes Sheamus and he’s learning the hard way that not everyone is nice. On the apron, Sheamus tweaks the injured arm of Henry, but Henry uses his other arm to clothesline Sheamus. Chop block by Sheamus and he works on the arm some more. Henry tries to fight back and Sheamus cuts him off. He hits a series of tackles on the arm and Henry responds with a series of headbutts. One arm DDT by Henry countered and the arm is impacted again. Sheamus continues on the attack and here comes the World’s Strongest Man! Irish Pump Kick attempt is countered and Henry splashes Sheamus…two count only! Henry charges and he misses. Sheamus goes up top and he gets pressed in the air. The arm gives out and Sheamus hits the Irish Pump Kick for the pin!
Winner: Sheamus
Grade: C+
The United States Championship is vacated and a new champion will be crowned as The Miz takes on R-Truth later tonight!
Commercials.
Oh God…Jon Lovitz is holding a Superstar Search contest tonight.
Jon Lovitz is in his office and Maryse wants in on the Superstar Search. He shows her the snake that he has been training Santino with and she isn’t interested so he bids her adieu.
Meanwhile, Bret Hart is with Edge and Edge wants a one-on-one match and shouldn’t have to qualify for Fatal Four Way. Chris Jericho walks in and he deserves better than this and he demands to be put in the match. Bret Hart decides to put the two in against John Cena and if either one wins, they are in the match. If they don’t win…then Bret Hart will pick someone else.
The Undertaker returns to SmackDown this Friday!
Commercials.
Last night: Eve defeats Maryse to retain the Diva’s Title.
Maryse & Alicia Fox v. Eve Torres & Gail Kim
Gail and Alicia start things off and Alicia takes it to Gail to start. Hurracurana overextended for our first botch of the night. Maryse tags in and she covers Gail for two. Backbreaker connects and Maryse toys around with Gail. Maryse goes after Eve, but she’s smart. Gail tags Eve in and she takes it to Maryse. Cover gets two. Standing Moonsault and Alicia breaks the cover. Gail takes her out and is restrained. Alicia kicks Eve in the head and Maryse hits the French Kiss for the pin as Gail is like WTF?
Winners: Maryse & Alicia Fox
Grade: F
Last week, Bret Hart and the Hart Dynasty beat Miz to win the U.S. Title.
And the title is vacant now. Poor Miz…
And the title match is NEXT!
Commercials.
United States Championship: R-Truth v. The Miz
Let it be known that if R-Truth uses the Osaka Street Cutter tonight like he did last night at Over the Limit, you will know about it! The Miz comes out with a microphone in his hand and he proclaims that he’ll take back the U.S. Championship.
The bell rings and they jockey for position. R-Truth falls for the cheap shot and the Miz takes control from the get go. Dropkick connects and Truth gets a rollup for two. Miz takes a powder as we take a break.
Commercials.
We are back and Miz slams Truth into the barricade before working on the arm. Back inside, Miz gets a two count following a cover. Miz works the arm and neck, but Truth tries a comeback only to get drilled in a one-arm DDT for two. Knee to the back by the Miz and he snaps Truth’s arm on the mat. Careful, Orton got hurt that way. Miz extends the arm over the ring ropes and here comes R-Truth! Miz kicks Truth in the arm and Michael Cole annoys me with his lack of history. Miz has Truth in the Tree of Woe and he looks to stand on Truth’s nuts only for Truth to counter and send Miz off the top for a two count. Truth comes with the rights and he charges into Miz’s elbow. Flapjack connects! Truth on top and he connects with the missile dropkick…TWO COUNT ONLY! Miz knees Truth in the gut and Truth counters with the STROKE! That only gets two and Truth has had enough. He goes up top and he hits the crossbody! Miz rolls through and another two count! He beats into Truth and he goes for the Reality Check, but Truth counters mid-move with a bridge for two! Small package gets two again! Truth goes for the scissors kick…misses the first time and connects with the Lie Detector for the win! No Osaka Street Cutter…darn.
Winner and NEW U.S. Champion: R-Truth
Grade: B-
We recap the first hour with Batista leaving the WWE.
Josh Matthews is with John Cena, who looks like he’s 100%. Cena reminds us that he never gave up and that when Batista quit, he got closure. He talks about the Cenation before bringing up Sheamus. Cena says he will fight for his chance to remain the champion and he’s sick of accepting challenges…he challenges the entire locker room to man up and he is done playing nice.
Commercials.
Jon Lovitz comes down with the Bella Twins and he fakes having trouble getting in the ring so he can get the Bellas to touch his ass, HAHA. Lawler says something about crack and I pretend to not care.
WWE Superstar Search
Because the RAW’s Got Talent went over so well. Jon has more power than everyone including Vince McMahon. First up is Khali and Runjin dressed up nicely trying to putting on a Ritz. They get buzzed relatively quickly and the crowd think it was good. Jon thinks it was as bad as walking in on a nude Rosie O’Donnell. Jillian Hall is next and she’s promptly buzzed, most likely because of the Bellas giving him advice. Wow, he already thinks it’s a waste of time so he goes to the audience. Here comes Joe the Random Fan wearing a cobra shirt. He can pull his eye out of his skull. Is that PG? So he tries to pull the eye out and of course it’s a fake eye.
Here comes Ted DiBiase and Virgil, who is dressed much better this week. Ted wants the eyeball and he offers cash for the eyeball and if he can’t buy it, he’ll embarrass him and take it. Here comes Santino of all people to save Joe! He threatens to apply the hold on Virgil if DiBiase fails to leave the ring. He pokes virgil in the neck and he falls backwards. He does it to DiBiase and he goes to Dream Street. I don’t normally do this…but I guess I got to for this segment.
Segment Grade: FTS
Not even Santino and DiBiase could even save this…
Commercials.
We’re back and we recap the show again.
The Hart Dynasty v. William Regal & Vladimir Koslov
Regal and Kidd start things off and Regal takes him out for Koslov to inflict more damage. Powerslam by Koslov gets two and he does a torture rack only for Kidd to land on his feet. In comes Smith and he takes it to Koslov. Powerslam attempt is countered to a headbutt. Tag to Regal and he misses the Knee Trembler and falls victim to the Hart Attack for the win!
Winners: The Hart Dynasty
Grade: FTS (Poor Regal…)
Post match three people charge the ring…and they take out the three members of the Hart Dynasty. WHAT?
Commercials.
Josh Matthews is with the final four NXT Rookies and he asks who will be eliminated tomorrow night. Everyone thinks Heath Slater and Heath thinks that Otunga should go. Otunga and Slater get into it.
We recap Michael Cole’s confrontation with Bryan Danielson!
Michael Cole whines about the ordeal and he is going to call him out tomorrow night for a public apology or he’ll sue him.
Edge and Jericho talk about the match. That match is NEXT!
Commercials.
Ashton Kutcher is your guest host next week!
Fatal Four Way Qualifying Match: John Cena v. Edge v. Chris Jericho
The bell rings and Cena takes it to both men in a bout of survival. Jericho schoolboys Cena for two and Edge takes it to Cena. back and forth and an early Attitude Adjustment is countered. Edge goes out of the ring and Jericho looks for the Walls. Cena counters and Jericho goes out of the ring. Break time.
Commercials.
We’re back and Jericho & Edge are working together. Jericho charges and he misses while Cena takes Edge out. Edge schoolboys Jericho for two and we’re down with Cena and Jericho. Jericho blocks the bulldog attempt and he takes it to Cena. Suplex by Jericho gets two. Snapmare into a headlock by Jericho while Edge is still out of the ring. Cena looks for the A.A., but Jericho counters into a DDT and gets a close two count. Edge tries to get back in and is taken back out by Jericho. Jericho goes after Cena and he misses the corner charge. HERE COMES CENA! Protobomb connects! FIVE…KNUCKLE…SHUFFLE! A.A. attempt and and he connects! Edge is back in and he spears Jericho and he finds himself in the STF! Jericho comes in and he outs the Walls on Cena! Cena loses his grip and Jericho gets Edge in the Walls! Cena with the Throwback! Jericho gets a rollup, but Cena rolls through and he goes for the A.A. but Edge SPEARS Cena! All three men are down! Edge is first to stir and he covers Cena and Jericho breaks it up and goes for the Walls. Small package by Jericho and Edge kicks out. Enzugiri connects and HERE COMES CENA AGAIN! Cena goes for the A.A., but Edge shakes him off. CODEBREAKER BY JERICHO! SPEAR BY EDGE! EDGE WINS!
Winner: Edge
Grade: A-
Sheamus’ music hits and he walks down the ramp. But he’s not alone as the Apex Predator, Randy Orton comes down to stare at the others. The main event is set with Orton, Edge, Sheamus, and Cena for the WWE Title at Fatal Four Way! Good Night!
Show Over.
The Inside Pulse
Wow. Aside from the main event and the U.S. Title match, there really wasn’t anything worth pointing out. Bret Hart is the new General Manager and I’m relieved that I didn’t believe the rumor about Abraham Washington. But, despite the crap that was the diva’s match, the tag match, and the Superstar search…I’ll go middle of the road and give tonight’s show a C. Be sure to read Wheeler’s report and come back Tuesday for 10 Thoughts on RAW and Pulse Glazer’s weekly column. Have a great week!
