Let’s get something out of the way right now: I don’t like Ali Fedotowsky. Can’t stand her. The messy hair, the talking without moving her mouth too much. Annoying. Just watching the recap of her “journey” on The Bachelor last season, with all the crying and whining and sniffling, made me want to pull her hair out.
Seriously. A girl has to quit her job, give up her apartment and go on TV in order to find love? Choosing a job over a guy you’ve had, like, five dates with is a bad decision? That’s called not having your priorities straight? To be happy, she has to have a guy get down on one knee in front of her before she turns 26? Have I fallen into a time warp and come out in the 1950s? I also loved how Ali threw out cliches like “I don’t want to get my heart broken again”. Um, I’m pretty sure Jake was the one left brokenhearted. Also, should we also start doing shots every time someone says “here for the right reasons”?
Upon first glance the men were…well, I didn’t see anyone I’d leave my job for. There was Frank, an aspiring screenwriter who giggled when he found out Ali was the bachelorette. Um, for reals? I don’t want to date anyone who watches The Bachelor. Who are these men who know all about The Bachelor? Then there was a Canadian guy, Craig M. who looked like a blond McDreamy and talked about how great he is at hitting on girls at bars. I can only assume he must have confused his audition tapes and accidentally sent the one for “Keys to the VIP”. He was more like McDouchey than McDreamy. And we met Kyle, a guy whose occupation was listed as “Outdoorsman”. How does one make a living as an “outdoorsman”? Was his job interview with Yogi the Bear? Did he use BooBoo as a reference?
We also met the male version of last season’s Tenley, a guy named Ty. Only a few months out of a divorce and he plays the guitar – what a catch! Maybe he will write Ali a song. That would almost be as awkward as the dance Tenley did for Jake.
Finally, Ali met all the guys. Watching men walk out of limos in suits is not as fun as judging women on the sluttiness of their gowns and hoping one pulls a Lindsey Lohan climbing out of the limo. One guy asked if Ali was into “peculiar men”. Apparently that’s the name of his town. Frank, the aspiring screenwriter who lives with his parents, jumped out of the limo’s sunroof. Hmm. I’m questioning whether Frank is there to date Ali, or just to style her hair. Craig M. got extra points for making me laugh when he came out of the limo and said “I’m so happy you’re not Vienna.”
The second crop of guys didn’t fare much better. One guy actually said he was predicting she’d wear yellow. OK, really? He watched The Bachelor enough to know her favorite color? Another guy showed up wearing cowboy boots because he thought Ali wore cowboys boots when she stepped out of the limo to meet Jake. Wrong. Then a guy told her he’d forgotten the funny line he’d prepared and that he really had to pee. Wow, what a charmer! Then some dude back-flipped off the limo. Where did they get these guys, a glee club?
The cocktail party was just as wacky. One guy got mocked for making Ali a scrapbook. Another guy, Kasey, spoke as though his jaw was wired shut. I couldn’t make out anything he said other than “my dad cheated on my mom” – what a great icebreaker, does he use that one in bars? And the “outdoorsman” won in the creepy department when he said he might take the First Impression Rose off the table and eat it. “If I eat it I can take it into my soul forever and no one else can have it,” he said. That guy gave off a serious serial killer vibe. And not the cute kind of serial killer, like Dexter.
The worst part of the evening came when Shooter told the story of his nickname. Um, was that even a story? “I maybe…in college….prematurely…accidentally” what? He didn’t even complete a sentence! We all caught the gist, but if you’re going to tell a humiliating story you should at least tell it well.
Ali salsa danced with Roberto, an incredibly good-looking guy from Florida. She met “wicked awesome” Chris L. from Cape Cod. He seemed like a nice guy – he left his teaching job in New York to go back to Cape Cod and care for his dying mother. But then he glazed over telling Ali that he’d done that, and semi-pretended like his mom was still alive. That was weird.
Then Ali met a Canadian wrestler named “Rated R” with a broken leg. He and Ali seemed like they had a good connection, but all the guys immediately jumped on him for not being there “for the right reasons”. Drink, everyone! But wait, it got better! All the guys actually got to vote for someone they thought wasn’t there for the right reasons. Wasn’t that just an easy way for everyone to try and eliminate whoever they considered their toughest competition? It wasn’t looking good for the Canadians. No one liked the wrestler (actually named Justin) and no one liked McDouchey, Craig M.Finally, it was time for Ali to give out the First Impression Rose – and it went to Roberto the salsa dancer. Or as another guy put it, the guy who did a “hot-sauce dance or something”. I knew it. He was the best looking guy (pictured below), so I guess we know how Ali forms her first impressions!
Next, Ali had to decide if she wanted to send the “here for the wrong reasons” guy home or give him a rose. The guy who got the most votes was Justin, the wrestler. The guys either thought he was there for the sake of self-promotion or they were worried that he’d get pity roses because of his crutches. Ali went against the guys’ votes and gave Justin (pictured below) a rose.
And after all that melodrama, Ali still had to give out the rest of the roses – to guys we barely knew. Jesse? Tyler B.? Who? We also saw the ever-jubilant Frank get a rose, curly-haired Steve, Tenley/Ty, Jonathan the weatherman and Craig McDouchey get roses. And get your subtitles ready, because the last rose went to Kasey, the guy who talks like he’s clenching a rose between his teeth.
Who didn’t make the cut? The “outdoorsman” (guess Ali didn’t love the idea of living in an igloo) who said he felt like a failure for the first time in his life, Shooter (guess Ali didn’t love the idea of…well, you know) and the kinda-sleazy looking lawyer.
Judging by the previews, we’re in for an action-packed and drama-filled season. Stick around for recaps, catty remarks and more!
