Welcome back to the Caribbean!
I’m sorry, but we cannot provide again you with a merry mix of Turtle Time, Hooters girls, and cartwheels. No, no, last week’s episode was too good. It was so good, in fact, that you are deemed unworthy and must deal with the consequences. Prepare yourselves, because tonight, our yacht will dock on the ISLE OF DOOM! Yes, seriously.
Like the latest installment of Lost, this episode can be interpreted a number of different ways. Some might think Kelly was just being Kelly. She’s never made any sense, and her lack of coherent thoughts combined with alcohol, frustration, and the stress of traveling with the Housewives could explain it away as just another visit to Kelly Killoren Krazytown.
There’s also the view that Kelly suffered from a major meltdown on camera. The women are used to her antics – last week they all happily ignored Kelly walking out of their lunch while calling them “sick and demented.” But at dinner they looked genuinely scared. Internet chatter says Bravo edited out some of the more insane events and asked her to leave the Virgin Islands. Knowing that she was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend… Well, she’s a Looney Tunes Special.
It begins innocently enough. It’s the morning after the Fat Turtle, and I’m surprised Ramona and Sonja aren’t heaving in a bucket. They’re laughing as they recount the night – apparently Ramona told a Hooters girl to get an education. Ha! Bethenny makes a joke about being a hobag and chef and Kelly insists “Cook! Cook! You’re not a chef, you’re a cook. I mean, just because you’re catering people’s parties does not a chef make. Okay, satchels of gold.” See what I mean about her never making sense?
Bethenny is a champion at arguments. Everyone’s A game is her B game, she’s that good. You don’t tangle with her, especially when you don’t know what you’re saying. Bethenny lays into Kelly and bitingly says, “It was you. Stop. You started it, stop it. Everyone’s seeing it and it’s you so stop the f—ing bull—t. Right now.” I relish when Kelly’s cut down to size. Bethenny, at her wit’s end, retreats to the other side of the room with tears in her eyes.
Bethenny gives each of the girls her products in personalized totes. A little self-promotion maybe, but it’s a nice gesture. Kelly gets the bag, and naturally, she weeps. I don’t know what could possibly be so upsetting about this, but we can already see the sanity leaking from her brain.
Kelly gifts the ladies with a photo shoot. Didn’t she just learn how to work a camera? Kelly doesn’t seem quite so batty here, until she takes pictures of Alex while cooing, “Johan face. Baby face. Soft face.” Alex is understandably freaked by this woman. Everyone looks great in their bathing suits, and Kelly looks great for a male swimmer.
Bethenny gifts the group with a fresh cooked meal. The tension is palpable before the dinner even begins. Kelly walks in talking on her cell phone and acts like a spaz when Ramona asks her to go in the other room. She questions why Bethenny made the salsas herself and won’t taste the drinks. Bethenny just wants to hide in the kitchen and finally comes out to hear Kelly complaining about sitting near her. And so begins Kelly’s descent into madness.
I’m telling you the facts, you want the facts, those are the facts. This is, like, all white noise. Are you guys gonna make out, with the tongue? I don’t care! I want you to zip it. You made Bethenny cry. YOU MADE BETHENNY CRY. This is free to be, you and me, 1979. I threw up, thinking that Bethenny was going to freaking kill me! Because she’s tried to kill me so many times before. Can you just zip it? She was like, channeling a vampire. Kabuki! It’s a witch hunt. She went after my little girls! And you want me to sit here with her! And she calls you a freaking hooker? AL SHAPTON! Put your hair up, it’s AL SHARPTON! I am a woman and I have a prerogative. You attacked Gwyneth, my friend Gwyneth. Paltrow! What about Rachel? You don’t think I listen? I listen, I just don’t like the chatter. That’s what makes people crazy about me!
It’s interesting to note the women’s behavior during all this. Sweet, wonderful Sonja senses the tension and fruitlessly pursues every safe conversation topic. She exhibits an impossible level of patience with Kelly, and the others take advantage of it. “Please don’t abandon me!” she pleads to Alex. “This isn’t fair to me, I have to sit here and support this! You guys are leaving me, to do this?” she exclaims as they leave her alone with Kelly again. Alex doesn’t say much for most of the dinner, and stares at Kelly with a stunned look on her face. It’s clear she’s speechless.
Ramona and Bethenny seem to think this is just another Kelly fiasco. Ramona drinks her wine and makes cuckoo faces while Bethenny feels vindicated. She’s said Kelly is delusional from the beginning, this is a big ‘I told you so’ moment for her. As Kelly’s lunacy gets worse, Bethenny finally rips and we hear the infamous “GO TO SLEEP!!” I’m surprised it took so long for an explosion and that only one person broke. I would have jumped into the ocean (or thrown Kelly in) before the appetizers.
Sonja firmly states that Kelly is unhinged and they should all stop. This is when the weirdest moment of the entire episode happens. Bethenny looks Kelly dead in the eye and explains that Sonja thinks something is wrong with her. Kelly says “no, she doesn’t” at the same time Sonja says “yes, I do.” Kelly must be cuckoo to not understand the words being spoken in front of her face. All of the Housewives realize that Kelly is bonkers and Bethenny softly apologizes and reiterates that she doesn’t want to hurt her or her family. It is a cryptic end to a very cryptic episode.
I told you. ISLE OF DOOM.
Random Thoughts:
- Satchels of gold.
- Kelly called Ramona a good friend, to which Ramona said, “I’ll take a compliment, even from her!” LMAO.
- I thought Ramona was being very sweet when she offered to eat the uneaten crab cake.
- Jill is fighting with Ramona, Alex, and Bethenny, and still thinks it’s a good idea to join them? No, she wants camera time.
