Do you just expect these to be absurdly big by now? Well, it’s only been 3-weeks of this new column and now it’s time for more! It’s as huge as usual, so bookmark and read in chunks, lest ye end up blowing chunks, or your mind. Trippy. When you comment, try and be specific on the section you’re talking about and welcome to the very best of wrestling analysis on the ‘net.
1) WWE Raw Thoughts – Raw Does Abysmal Rating
2) WWE Smackdown Thoughts – Bald CM Punk: What’s Next?
3) TNA Impact Thoughts – 5 Rules to Improve TNA
4) WWE NXT/Superstars/Misc – The Danielson-Michael Cole Angle
5) ROH Thoughts – Austin Overrated
6) Guest Spot – Brad Garoon on the Dragon Gate USA Mercury Rising 6-Man
7) A Modest Response to Robert Svarkla’s Dispatches from the Wrestling Underground: Randy Orton Anti-Hero
8) History Time – Ted Dibiase: Wrestling God
9) Match Review – Jerry Lawler vs. Ric Flair
10) Personal Life/Blog/whatever – Thoughts on Drinks
1) WWE Raw Thoughts – Raw Does Abysmal Rating
Last week’s commercial-free Raw did a 3.44 rating. Usually, I don’t pay much attention to these things, but the year prior’s commercial-free Raw did a 4.5 rating. That’s a gigantic difference, one WWE will surely lay at the feet of the NBA playoffs and lack of Donald Trump this year, but those can’t account for that huge of a difference, can they?
The obvious answer here is that fans are sick of the WWE’s current direction, with the same matches over and over again and the WWE needs to create new stars. This is in the process of occurring, with Sheamus, Jack Swagger, and several others in the process of being elevated. Of course, perhaps the lack of stars isn’t the issue, but the lack of depth is. If all the stars were on one brand, moving the title around and creating fresh matches and a deep card wouldn’t be a huge problem. Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Vince McMahon were all active on the last commercial-free Raw. One brand would certainly boost star power.
Or perhaps, the problem is, as Raffi Shamir discusses, that the WWE is just getting too child friendly. There is a case to be made that any child watching cable television from 9pm -11pm is expecting a more risqué product than the WWE currently delivers. There is also the fact that the much-maligned Attitude Era drew more children than the WWE’s current child-centered product currently does.
John Cena, as champion, probably doesn’t help. He’s a major name and draw, sure, but WWE must learn from history. Major face champions rarely draw long term; the money is in the chase. Cena can be just as over and sell just as much without the belt, while periodically chasing it. This would allow more character based feuds and adults to get as into him as children already are, while opening the top title for heels to be chased and new stars to be created.
Of course, match quality and definable characters, particularly in the undercard, have taken a huge hit in the WWE in recent years. With such a focus atop the card, the recognizable characters and quality workers that used to populate the undercard from Tito Santana and Greg Valentine to Val Venis and Ken Shamrock to even guys like Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, are sadly missing from the current product. Even with main eventers fans like, why not just flip around and wait for them to be on screen without the compelling undercard?
All of these issues suggest the WWE needs to take time to rebuild and re-establish themselves, since the changes, and the audience noticing enough to tune back in, will not happen overnight. The WWE has been in worse position before and rebounded, but with ratings threatening to dip into the 2s regularly and stockholders being impatient, can the WWE afford to be patient again? Their other business, from house shows and merchandising to growing the global brand should keep them strong for the foreseeable future, but without these problems going away, WWE needs to come up with a new plan before this becomes a critical issue.
2) WWE Smackdown Thoughts – Bald CM Punk: What’s Next?
So, the face has gotten revenge on the heel and all is right in the world of wrestling… or is it? CM Punk, the charismatic cult leader of the Straight Edge Society, lost to a man he considered a degenerate, a man he didn’t save. Usually, the face winning this type of match will end the feud, but CM Punk isn’t the type of heel to let this indignity go. Rey Mysterio should be made to pay, especially since the payoff for Punk’s masked assailant hasn’t yet occurred. As this story continues to play out, Punk can go directly after Rey’s mask or continue to try and get him into SES, playing off that saving Rey, not his hair, was the motivation in the feud.
Of course, there is the possibility the feud is done, but where would Punk go from there? Kofi Kingston is busy with Drew McIntyre, as is Christian with Dolph Ziggler. Matt Hardy is still hurt and Big Show and Jack Swagger still have issues. Of course, the finish of Show-Swagger solved nothing and with next month’s four-way themed Pay Per View, that would provide a ready made way to extend Rey and Punk’s feud while including the World Title. Show should get a re-match, but so should the match serve the four-way theme. With that, Rey Mysterio and CM Punk should continue their feud, bringing in the chase of the World Title, increasing the perceived importance of Jack Swagger’s reign that two personal enemies would put aside their enmity in order to chase the belt. Naturally, the enmity wouldn’t really be squashed and could arise again at a point convenient to the story, likely in order to allow CM Punk to cost Mysterio the title, leaving a wronged face looking for revenge from the heel once more.
3) TNA Impact Thoughts – 5 Simple Steps to Make TNA Better
This won’t be a discussion of who should stay and who should go, but rather simple rules that TNA can follow to make their wrestling show better.
1) Don’t worry about tricking fans, instead focus on logical storytelling. Use the elements of plot if need be. Your wrestlers should have established personalities, set a conflict, escalate it, then pay it off.
2) To this effect, wrestlers need clear roles that involve distinct personalities. Faces and heels must be clearly identified and while faces all don’t have to be virtuous and good, they should clearly be faces (or heels) and remain so for a good long time, until turning them has a meaning.
3) Keep stories self-contained. The feud between two guys doesn’t need to drag in half the roster taking various sides.
4) Play up wrestlers strengths and hide their weaknesses. Desmond Wolfe is an amazing technical wrestler who can handle strong style matches and a non-garbage brawl. Abyss is only good at garbage brawls at this point. Don’t have them feud.
5) Everything that happens should be in service to the story. If there is a change, it must be fully explained. If it isn’t explained, doesn’t have a good reason, then don’t do it. If something is done, it should increase the heat, increase the drama of the story. When it doesn’t, then do not pull the trigger on the move.
I know these seem obvious, but these simple steps can make TNA television immensely more watchable and would be the first steps to getting everyone over, making new fans tune in and care about the stories and become emotionally invested in them without feeling the rug will be pulled out from under them by turn after turn.
4) WWE NXT/Superstars/Misc – The Danielson/Michael Cole Angle
Let’s repost the promo for anyone who missed it before we begin, shall we?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PLOW6EsN0E&feature=player_embedded
Now, at first, I had absolutely no idea what the purpose of this was. With Michael Cole and Josh Matthews treating Danielson like a heel after the beating, I had no idea where they could go… but when you think about it, it’s just obvious. Bryan Danielson is being made into the internet fan.
Bryan Danielson, in his promo on NXT, voiced all of the internet’s major complaints about WWE, from Vince’s preference to big guys to Matt Striker cutting everyone off on NXT to that toad Michael Cole getting Jim Ross’ job. Of course, the earlier stuff isn’t something he can really affect, but Cole, he can at least show Cole that his words have consequences.
Now, Danielson clearly isn’t going to feud with Michael Cole, but he has to do something despicable to be placed outside of the WWE machine to the marks. He’s now a wildcard, much along the lines of Orton, a renegade. Danielson is the good man pushed too far by an unfair system, meant to be the fans voice and their frustrations. He’s showing he can handle diverse roles. Early on we established during his losing streak both vulnerability and that he was likeable. Now that we know he’s a good, logical, modest man with simple, sometimes geeky beliefs he’s mocked for (sound familiar?) he can show that he’s not just the voice of the IWC, he’s the power of it. He can, through ability, because he’s a strong man, fight back and become a hero. Well played, WWE.
5. ROH Thoughts – Austin Aries: Not Elite
Last week, I discussed Chris Hero being the best on the indies. One name conspicuous by his absence in the discussion was Austin Aries. This was not an accident. Aries has always been a very good worker, particularly as a heel. As a face, he usually doesn’t sell well enough to get proper sympathy. Aries main problem, however, has always been that he is incapable of bringing someone up to his game. Sure, he’s had great matches, but they’re all against workers superior to him like Bryan Danielson, Samoa Joe, CM Punk and even Alex Shelley. Against anyone who isn’t as good as him the matches greatly suffer. This is especially notable in his earlier matches with Davey Richards, when Richards was still learning, as well as his matches with Tyler Black, Jerry Lynn, and his inconsistent showings against Roderick Strong, among others. Without being able to elevate wrestlers, on the indy scene where it’s a necessity, you simply aren’t that good.
Meanwhile, Aries has developed an excellent persona with A-Double, the Greatest Man that Ever lived. It is this persona that makes him, right now, extremely valuable. He has enough personality to build excellent feuds without necessarily needing to be in competition for a belt. This makes him a great role player, but rambling promos and an inability to regularly intermingle his gimmicks with memorable matches still keep him out of the elite. If he ever puts the match quality together with his gimmick, gets a slightly better focus on his promos, and can carry lesser opponents, he has enough “it†factor†to be one of the top wrestlers in the world. In other words, he’s where Chris Hero was in 2007.
6. Guest Spot – Brad Garoon Reviews BxB Hulk, Naruki Doi and Masato Yoshino vs. CIMA, Gamma and Dragon Kid from Dragon Gate USA’s Mercury Rising PPV
BxB Hulk {W1}, Masato Yoshino {W1} & Naruki Doi {W1} vs. CIMA {W5}, Gamma {W5} & Dragon Kid {W5}
Four of the six original participants from the 2006 version are in this match. Yoshino and Kid start. They move at an insane speed until Kid hits an armdrag. Gamma hits a shoulder tackle. He spits in Yoshino’s face. Hulk hits a dropkick. He armdrags CIMA but misses a dropkick. He hits a senton for 2. Kid works Doi’s arm. Yoshino hits a bodyslam. CIMA hits the Superdrol. He and Kid hit sentons for 2. CIMA and Yoshino fight over a surfboard stretch. CIMA hits Doi with a hiptoss. He and Gamma hit a double dropkick. They hit stereo back suplexes. Gamma spits in Hulk’s face. He gives Hulk the Sweet Angel’s Kiss. He hits a dropkick. CIMA swings Kid into Hulk. The WARRIORS hit a triple dropkick for 2. Gamma canes Hulk’s crotch. Hulk cleans house with kicks. He hits Gamma with the uranage. He hits Kid with a dropkick. Doi grabs the cane and bops Gamma on the head. He comically hits him a few more times before nailing a back suplex. Kid hits Yoshino with the Diamond Dust. He hits a stunner for 2. He hits a hurricanrana. Yoshino ducks the 619 and hits a powerbomb. Doi hits an elbow for 2. Yoshino hits a double stomp on the arm. Speed Muscle double-teams Kid. Hulk hits a roundhouse kick for 2. He puts on an abdominal stretch. He hits a senton for 2. Doi hits the hanging senton for 2. Yoshino hits an elevated double stomp for 2. Kid comes back with a head scissor takedown. CIMA hits a double stomp. He suplexes Doi while keeping Hulk in a toehold. Gamma hits a dropkick. Kid hits the Déjà Vu. He hits the Bermuda Triangle. Doi unloads elbows on Gamma. Gamma blocks the Doi 555 and hits a dropkick. He hits a powerbomb for 2. Yoshino hits an elevated facebuster for 2. He avoids the Venus and puts on the Coumori. CIMA hits a dropkick. Yoshino hits the Sling Blade for 2. He puts on From Jungle. Kid puts Hulk in the Christo and has a slap fight with Yoshino. He hits the Messiah on Hulk for 2. CIMA hits a baseball slide on Yoshino. He misses the Tokarev. Yoshino hits the shotgun senton combo. Doi hits Kid with a German superplex. Hulk botches a springboard leg lariat. He hits a Michinoku Driver for 2. Yoshino dropkicks Doi by mistake. CIMA and Gamma hit a double superkick. CIMA hits the Perfect Driver for 2. Kid and Gamma hit a double Tokarev while CIMA hits a dropkick. Gamma hits the…
CIMA misses the Meteora. Doi hits the Bakatare Sliding Kick. Yoshino rolls CIMA up for 2. CIMA hits a superkick. Hulk hits the Mouse and the EVO for 2. CIMA hits the Venus. Gamma canes Hulk and Kid hits a super reverse hurricanrana. Gamma hits a reverse hurricanrana. Kid hits the Ultra Hurricanrana for 2. Hulk avoids the Dragon Rana. Kid hits Yoshino with the Bible for 2. Yoshino hits the Lightning Spiral for 2. Speed Muscle double teams Gamma. They hit a Sling Blade Bomb for 2. Hulk hits the First Flash for 2. Doi hits the Doi 555 and the Bakatare Sliding Kick. Yoshino hits the Lightning Spiral for 2. Yoshino hits the Torbellino and puts on the Sol Naciente. Kid fails to make the save. Hulk stops CIMA from saving with a dropkick and Gamma passes out at 27:25. The second half of this match was as good as anything Dragon Gate has done in the States. Sure Hulk botched a spot, but the hurricanrana sequence and the way World-1 dominated down the final stretch both more than made up for it. Dragon Gate’s perfect record on WrestleMania weekend continues.
Rating: ****½
Enjoy Brad’s work? Want to see more Dragon Gate reviews, including the rest of this show? click here.
7. A Modest Response to Robert Svarkla’s Dispatches from the Wrestling Underground: Randy Orton Anti-Hero
Svarkla, one of my favorite reads on the ‘net, had a number of excellent points about Randy Orton, but here is where he lost me:
“What eventually ruined characters like the Rock or Austin is when WWE stopped allowing them to act as they naturally would and forced “redeeming qualities†on them, such as when the Rock inexplicably started acknowledging Mick Foley as his friend (and helping to get him reinstated in the company after being screwed by the McMahon/Helmsley faction) after months of treating the character like garbage; part of what made the Rock/Foley dynamic great was Rock’s absolute contempt for Foley, feeling the manchild was a nuisance and beneath him. It seems, actually, the idea of a redeeming quality is being confused for a character flaw which can help empathize despicable characters to an audience over the long-term when the cheap thrill of amoral behavior wears off.â€
While this may have been an issue for Austin, it did nothing to hurt the Rock. From the start, Rock obviously liked Foley, even if he wouldn’t admit it. Foley knew this and brought it up regularly. If not, then why would he hang out with him so much? Foley didn’t really soften, or humanize the Rock, though. Once he turned face, he was never a sociopath anymore- he was a jerk. Whereas Austin was the blue collar working man everyone feels they were like without societal constraints, Rock was the rich, attractive, funny movie star everyone wished they could be. He was a jerk, because in his situation, we would be jerks too. Look at high school jocks. Of course, he couldn’t be all out the jerk to everyone- even jocks have their clicks- and his comedic, idiotic foil, Mick Foley, was perfect for this. The contempt was real, but it was more shaking of head in disbelief than actual hatred from the start.
Next, the contention is that this ruined The Rock. It simply did not. He was ridiculously over until it became clear that wrestling was his part-time gig, at which point the crowd turned on him like he was a precursor to Cena. This, though, is what sets the Rock apart. The begging, mewling babyface, desperate for the crowds approval had been what won him scorn before, so he became the pompous, self-referential heel who knew he was above all of wrestling and everyone loved him, despite their whininess. He had “it†and molded it to fit what the circumstance required of him arguably better than anyone in history. Hell, check out his overblown entrance video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui36zlzduao&feature=PlayList&p=D0F734684D538DE5&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=7
The Rock wasn’t an anti-hero. He was wish fulfillment and post-modern enough to know and reference it, while being clever enough to pull it all together, make everything a meta-commentary on his character and role, and stay over. He is, without a doubt, the most talented professional wrestler I have ever come across.
8. History Time – Ted Dibiase: Wrestling God
Someone in a comment recently stated that the Ultimate Warrior was in better matches and a bigger draw than Ted Dibiase. That, honestly, rather annoyed me. Dibiase was, through the 1980s, as good as anyone in the world, and I’ll include Ric Flair and my pick for the best wrestler to ever walk to Earth, Jumbo Tsuruta in that.
Early in his career, Ted was a realistic, second generation face who was trying to make his name in the wrestling business where he was known as the son of the deceased “Iron†Mike Dibiase. As an extremely young man, he was put into the position as the number two face in Mid-South, and given a big push in WWWF, so big, in fact, that he was given a title that was used to, in a match with Pat Paterson, become unified into the current Intercontinental Title.
The prodigy then went back to Atlanta, where he was exposed to a national audience due to TBS and worked with and against the hottest face in the country at the time, Tommy Rich. After that, it was back to Mid-South to take up his place as the number two face (to the Junkyard Dog) in one of the country’s most successful territories, making him, in his early 20s, one of the thirty or so biggest names in the deepest era of wrestling talent ever. During this era, he would have undeniable classics that are unfortunately all but impossible to find against Paul Orndorf until “Mr. Wonderful†took his trade to the WWF.
Despite being a draw as a face, with Orndorf, the face side was stacked, but not the heels, so Dibiase decided to turn on him to become the top heel in the company for the next several years. During this era, he formed one of the earliest heel stables, The Rat Pack, with Hacksaw Duggan. They feuded with the Junkyard Dog, making Dibiase and Duggan top heels in the country, until JYD left to ply his trade in the WWF, as well. At this point, Duggan would turn face, leading to a longstanding feud. From here, for years, there would not be a clear top face in Mid-South. Dibiase was the top act and top draw of the region, with everyone paying to see the face du joir defeat him. Dibiase’s feuds with top wrestlers are legendary, as he had great matches with the Von Erichs, Magnum TA, Butch Reed and many others. It was his matches with Magnum that got him over enough for people to believe he would be the future of the business. Of all of these, as a heel it was his feud with Duggan that is most fondly remembered. They had numerous classics, culminating in the perfect short match, the famous Coal Miner’s Glove on a Pole, No DQ, Loser Leaves Town, Cage Match.
After being a top drawing heel in classic matches, Dibiase would go on to turn face against Ric Flair, in one of Flair’s most famous angles pre-the NWA’s national expansion. Feuding with Flair and Dick Murdoch, Dibiase, and protégé Steve Williams, would go on from the most hated men in the company to being beloved. Of course, by now, Dibiase’s time in Mid-South was running short.
Vince McMahon Junior came calling, and this is the point when most of the popular knowledge of Dibiase comes into effect. To get him to sign, Vince gave Dibiase his most prized gimmick, the one he himself would have had if he were a wrestler, that of “The Million Dollar Man.†Unsurprisingly, after some of the best vignettes ever… and really, here’s the best one:
So, after some of the best vignettes ever, Dibiase was given a rocket up the card. By 1987, he was trying to buy the WWF Title first from Hulk Hogan and then from Andre the Giant. By the time he succeeded in buying the belt from Andre, he was the top heel in the company and he and Randy Savage kept business booming atop the card, a feat no one thought possible without Hogan. He was so over and so good that he was paired with Andre the Giant for the first Summerslam, at the time the second attempt at PPV after Wrestlemania, when Andre could barely move, carrying the team. Dibiase continued for years as a top heel (along with Savage when he turned and Rick Rude) feuding with the best faces of the era, Jake Roberts, Kerry Von Erich Dusty Rhodes, and many more. By the end of the 80s, his realistic style had taken its toll and injuries were limited the great, but for that decade, he was a man people paid to see lose, put on the best match most night, and made wrestling feel real while the fans cared deeply.
If you want to see some of Dibiase’s great early matches, please, shoot me an e-mail at hbk826@gmail.com.
9. Match Review: Jerry Lawler vs. Ric Flair – 8/14/82
Last week, we discussed the greatness of Jerry “the King†Lawler in Memphis. This week, we’ll review one of his great matches, a rare match vs. Ric Flair. I chose this match on the recommendation of our own David Brashear. Memphis was so small that the NWA would rarely send their world champion, so Lawler more often battled for the AWA Title. Rarely, of course, doesn’t mean ever, and so Flair came in, giving a promo, acting condescending to Memphis, playing up the stereotypes of Memphis and how shocked he is that people are literate and there are Cadillacs on the road. Lawler, as Southern Heavyweight Champion, is a face at this point and wants to shake Ric Flair’s hand. Flair pretends he doesn’t know who Lawler is, mocks him being “the King,†and we have heat. Flair is about to face a jobber, so Lawler says that isn’t impressive, but Flair doesn’t care because he can beat anyone and people would come to see him face a broom. Lawler talks himself into the ring for a 10-minute time limit match and even convinces Flair to put up the title since “he isn’t in the same caliber of wrestler†as Flair, so Flair puts up the belt because “Lawler’s a big deal in this part of the country.â€
Flair tries mat wrestling early on, but Lawler continually can hang on the mat. Flair is, at first, amused, by this, but that begins to give way to frustration quickly for the big shot Flair. Lawler works the headlock, and when Flair escapes, he goes after Lawler, only to find out he can’t take him down. Flair, officially pissed, gets cheap and starts beating on Lawler with his usual offense, but Lawler is still constantly fighting back. Flair controls for the last four minutes, putting on the figure-four as the time limit expires. Lawler doesn’t quit and flair is mad, so he stomps “the King.†Flair demands 5-more-minutes!
Flair begins beating on Lawler, but disrespected, Lawler will not back down and nails Flair. The strap comes down and the studio audience erupts. This is almost pure Hulk-up, except with better psychology as to where it comes from. Flair grabs the belt and runs away, as Lawler has chased off and embarrassed the NWA World Champion.
Post-match, since there is no contract, Flair refuses to give up the title and to ever face Jerry Lawler again. Flair puts a $10,000 bounty on Jerry Lawler to Jimmy Hart and his First Family.
Jerry Lawler defeats Ric Flair via Countout (*** ½)
This was straight formula for both men. Lawler often worked a more realistic Hogan style, where his comebacks would be incredible feats, but fueled by his opponent’s hubris and careful storytelling. Flair, meanwhile, got his early mat-work, babyface shine, and then major control period with all the major spots. It’s a testament to these two’s incredible skill that this was as good as it is.
10. Personal Life/Blog/whatever: Alcohol
For some reason, I know a lot of people. I’m not sure how that happened, but I’ve got quite the colorful menagerie of friends. Sadly, most of them don’t care for pseudo-sports that I probably should have outgrown long ago. If you’ve noticed anything though, it might be that I have something of an ego. I still want these people to read me, click my shit, give me some damn tender love and attention. So, that’s kinda what this section is. It’s basically going to be a blog where I talk about whatever. I’m going to rant about some personal observations about shit that isn’t half-naked men pretending to hurt one another for largely unspecified reasons. Every other week will be stories and observations about my life specifically, while the alternating weeks will feature discussion of anything I find interesting at the moment. Now, time to discuss Alcohol.
This will surprise no one that knows me, but I’m a drinker. I recently realized that I’ve had a period of my life where I drank nearly everything, and, since I’m pretty judgmental, here are my thoughts on everything I’ve drank and the types of people who drink each.
Rum – I’ve been drinking rum, specifically Ron Bacardi clear, since I was about 14. I’ve found with rum and vodka, that you can’t really tell much about a person by them drinking it. They’re often the “I drink casually†drinks because they’re generally lighter, easier to handle heads. That belies the fact that rum is as strong as anything and, as such, can be had by the serious drunks, as well.
Vodka – The favorite of mixed drink fans (re: girls), Vodka is extremely mixable, especially with different types of juice. Vodka is the type of liquor it’s hardest to go wrong with. Everyone loves Grey Goose, and with good reason, but there’s generally less of a dropoff in quality between that and other quality vodkas (basically anything but Georgie).
Tequila – Tequila is mostly for kids looking to party and get trashed. For years, Patron and Tres Generaciones were the tequilas of choice for the older, more refined crowd… a group that seemed to almost be pretending to celebrate… but due to presence in some hip-hop songs, Patron is becoming a common drink now. Well, at least they got that one right. It’s pretty great, as far as tequila goes, but I still always think frat-boys who just want to “get wasted whoooo!†when I see it ordered.
Hennessy/Bourbons – I don’t really like bourbons and I’m almost always sure anyone I see drinking Hennessy is a fake. It’s disgusting, not a great drunk, and expensive. It has a status due to rap songs, but it’s ultimately the drink of fakes. Bourbons beyond Hennessy aren’t my thing, though I have a friend who swears I just haven’t tried the right kind.
Whiskey – Like Patron, Jack Daniels years ago was a far rarer drink. It used to be stronger and more bitter, but in an attempt to commercialize, both of those were cast by the wayside. It’s still a great drink, but has become so trendy that most people have moved to Jamison. If you still buy it, make sure you get the green label, not the black. Jamison I really enjoy, but, for some reason, my stomach doesn’t. Since I turned about twenty and stopped being able to get a good drunk off of rum, I switched to whiskey’s but with Jack becoming annoyingly overrated and Jamison not liking me as much as I like it, I had to move on.
Gin – I spent a lot of time experimenting with gin, including the Summer of Drunk, which is absolutely a story for another blog. Gin is about the cheapest good drunk you can get, particularly New Amsterdam, which is, in my opinion, the cheapest, tasty liquor around. Gin tends to be drank by old men when they were younger and young men who seem older. Unfortunately, gin and gin alone lead to nasty headaches and hangovers for me, so unless I’m feeling old, I just go with….
Scotch – My new drink of choice: tasty, just bitter enough, and ridiculously easy to get drunk off of. When I went to Mardi Gras this year, everyone was ordering beer or whiskey, to the point where I decided I needed something new. Angry and just out of that mess of a relationshit, I decided to go with what I always considered the angry old man drink. I almost never see anyone order it that didn’t work at a liquor store or was under 55 and it had a nice Bogart-ish connotation in my head. It didn’t disappoint. A touch expensive, that’s more than made up for by how quickly it messes me up, and how great the drunk is. There’s something just angry enough to fit my mood, and just defiant enough to keep me going. If you’re broke, Teacher’s isn’t bad. It’s easy to get really expensive with Scotch, and the expensive ones are worth it, but, usually, I just go Speyburn, which is absolutely excellent.
Mixed Drinks – Fine if you’re a girl. If you’re a dude, man up.
Beer – Beer is, simply, the everyman drink. I can tell I’m getting old though because, somehow, I can’t take cheap beer anymore. I mean, I know I’m not drinking it for the taste, so if I’m broke or someone’s buying, so be it, but good, rich beer is a real drink. As a liquor drinker all my life, I kind of looked down on Bud Light fiends and such, I still kind-of do, but real beer drinkers… that’s good stuff. By the way, I’m not sure where to classify Guinness anymore. It’s great, but has come down with the Jack Daniels syndrome of being over-ordered. Oh well, what’re you going to do.
So, that’s the column for this week. I’m sure I missed plenty, and I’m sure you’ll all let me know about it below. So let’s get on with it!
“Inside Pulse Wrestling is looking for a new writer!! Send writing samples along with companies and styles of interest to matthew@pulsewrestling.com by May 31 to be considered.”
