Why must they take over two hours to let us know who won Idol? Of course the simple answer is this is nothing short of infomercial for the Idol tour coming to an arena near you. Although more kids are excited this summer about the Glee cast hitting the road. The big fear of the night is that Lee DeWyze really won. According to th e a site that monitors the phone calls, Lee DeWyze won.
Ryan opens the show reminding us how out of 12,000 kids that auditioned only 13 were sent to Hollywood and 2 are the finalists. Ryan brings out Crystal and Lee. Lee looks like he’s frozen. He wears a suit jacket that looks like he mugged 30 Rock‘s Kenny the Page. Ryan swears that less than 2 percent of the vote separates the finalists. We’ll never know the hard numbers. Ryan reminds us that this is Simon’s last night on American Idol. Crystal and Lee are brought out to the crowd. They’re both wearing ragged Catholic high school uniforms.
The Top 12 get to do Alice Cooper’s “School’s Out.” It’s so Kids Incorporated peppy that Alice Cooper ought to be puking on his cat. But he’s probably calling his accountant. There’s nothing devious about this version. Alice Cooper arrives on stage. What a whore. Whatever happened to selling your soul to Satan? Is renting your legacy to Simon Fuller and American Idol worth it? Alice’s voice is completely worn ragged. You can barely hear him over the chipper kiddies. Why? Why? Somewhere a fundamentalist minister feels guilty that he wasted his life protesting Alice Cooper. Alice now has less street cred than Ice Cube.
Kris Allen arrives on stage to sing “The Truth.” Ryan’s microphone is left live so he talks over the opening lines. This is another slow ballad start that sounds like a downer.
Simon gets a highlights of his early years. Amazing to see how this cookie dough guy got toughened up. It’s like he’s in a wussy version of Fight Club. There’s more of him cracking up during the worst auditions. They bring back Paula to testify about her time with him.
Shoiban Magnus and Aaron Kelly end up doing “How Deep Is Your Love” with the surviving BeeGees. These kids are so out of their league. It’s like they won a Make A Wish fantasy except we’re the one’s dying of embarrassment.
MIchael Lynche sings the Doobie Brothers’ “Taking It to the Street” with Michael McDonald on a duet. McDonald’s sounding rather rough these days. Forty years on the road does take a toll on the pipes. It’s one unfunky number. McDonald’s final note sounds like he’s remembering his last prostrate test. Bend and cough.
Dane Cook sings a song using Simon’s insults to contestants. This is a moment that makes you wonder why a meteorite can’t crash through the ceiling of the Kodak Theatre. They bring back some of the trainwrecks of the past. It gets ugly when a contestant grabs the microphone and insists he’ll be replacing Simon. Feels like they cut away to the commercial break early.
All the girls come out to sing “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. Is that a smart idea since Christina canceled her tour? Now they bring out Christina to sing “Stronger.” Her hair is pulled so tightly. Now she gets to go solo on “You Lost Me.” Must hurt her to see that Lady Gaga has completely stolen her heat. This is another slow ballad song. Was this a rule that you couldn’t rock out on that stage this season?
Ricky Gervais is live via satellite since he doesn’t want to go half a mile to the Kodak. Sounds like he was recorded last month. Why must they lie to us? A funny line involves Simon’s old career being a lap dancer.
The guys slug their way through Hall and Oates’ “I Can’t Go For That” and “Maneater.” This is one nasty cruise ship horror. These guys sound worse than an elementary school production. Why must they inflict this on us? So Darryl Hall and John Oates can appear and give us true Blue Eyed Philly Soul? “You Make My Dreams” gets soul sucked by the guys having to do the chorus. There is a look of trained monkeys in the eyes of the idols as they barely move around the stage. Lancelot Link Secret Chimp had more professional performers.
Crystal Bowersox is doing a folkie version of Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic.” Did you know most of the incidents in this song aren’t that ironic. Rain on your wedding day? That’s just what happens. Alainis comes out for a whitewashed version of “You Oughta Know.” Crystal doesn’t sing about going down on a guy in the theater. This song is 15 years old. Where does the time go? And when will she quit giving Dave Coulier hell?
Carrie Underwood is brought back to remind us of a time when American Idol was about to find a country superstar. Her song is called “Undo It.” She’s wearing a silver vest top that looks like the plastic rings from the top of a six pack. It’s one of those songs about how she’s sick of her ex-boyfriend. Is this about Tony Romo? The crappy song was co-written with Kara. Why doesn’t Carrie have to duet with the kids? She must still be making money for Simon Fuller’s machine.
Kris Allen gives both Crystal and Lee the Ford Fiestas they designed. One more time they both share in what would be a grand prize. We get a flashback of all their Ford ads. Don’t these kids all deserve cars for promoting the product? Casey James comes out to sing about how he didn’t get a stupid car. He does Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” Will Brett Michaels come out on the stage? He’s off his sick bed and strumming away. Brett goes for the cowboy hat over his bandana. Did anyone expect Donald Trump not to make Brett the winner of Celebrity Apprentice? “Brett, you should have stayed on your deathbed cause you’re worthless to me. You’re fired. Gal from 21 Dump Street, you’re hired.” It’s nice to see Brett up and walking cause he keeps so many skanks in business with his VH1 reality shows.
Lee DeWyze sings with the band Chicago. Remember how Queen wanted Adam Lambert to front them? Don’t expect Lee to get that invitation from these guys. He’s no fill in for Peter Cetera. The guy from Chicago sounds even worse than Lee. This is horrible. People would be jumping off the Titanic if they were the ship band. This will be the least bootlegged Chicago performance of all time. This should keep Chicago out of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for another decade. Somewhere in America, Peter Cetera realizes leaving the band was a very smart move.
More Simon Cowell uncovered with his love of his mirror. Paula swears he never flirted with him. They bring back the clip of Bikini Girl. The General comes back to do “Pants on the Ground.” This was the musical highlight of the season. He’s twirling around the stage with the hip hop dancers. William Hung comes out to rap like Ma$e after a dose of mace.
Paula remember first meeting Simon. He gives off the nasty stuff. We get the dysfunctional moments. Paula arrives on the stage. She has been missed this season. Ellen’s rambles weren’t ever as captivating as Paula’s meltdowns. Paula gets goofy as she talks to Simon. She swears that even without Simon, the show will go on. We gets another montage of Simon with Frank Sintara’s “My Way.” The good news is Frank won’t be on the set. Simon says he’s going to miss us. Really? You’re going to still be judging singers on Fox with X Factor. It’s not like he’s moving to a Greek Island to make feta. All the past Idol winners are brought out to sing to Simon. They even found Taylor Hicks’ cellphone number. David Cook is missing. Did he have a gig? They bring out other noted contestants in white outfits like it’s the opening to Big Love. Justin Guarini was able to miss a shift at Jamaba Juice to pay tribute to Simon. Simon inflicts a speech on us. Why? He’s just shifting shows. This is worse than people thinking the Final 10 kids actually get sent back home as losers instead of put on tour. Such fake sentimental moments dominate this show.
Janet Jackson arrives to sing with the kids. Has her career fallen this low? This song is so slow that it might put little kids to sleep before they hear the winner announced. Does anyone in the production brain trust care about tempo and pacing? I once worked with a cameraman who had steady gig each month videotaping Janet accepting awards for ceremonies she couldn’t attend. She almost gets the beat up with “Nasty Boys” from her record that came out over two decades ago. It just doesn’t sound as peppy as the original. Is she lip synching? When she does her call out section of the song, her voice is really low in the mix.
The show takes us back to their auditions in Chicago last summer. They come out to sing “With a Little Help From My Friends.” They force Crystal to sing the line, “And I’ll try not to sing out of key.” Lee could have done that moment perfectly. Joe Cocker comes out to do his impersonation of John Belushi doing him. Crystal does sound her best when working with Joe. She might have a strange career when this show is over. Lee is worthless.
After two hours, they are finally bringing out the envelope with the winner’s name. Some British dork from Telescope has certified the winner. Like it matters! Both will have record contracts and be represented by 19 management. Lee is about to pass out on the stage. He’s rubbing the microphone like a pepper grinder. The winner is…………………….Lee DeWyze.
Really? Really? Lee DeWyze? The man will get the key to Chicago, but couldn’t come close to singing in key with Chicago. He’s amazed at this Johnny Bravo moment. He better thank Vote for the Worst. He gets forced to go from his thank you speech to singing/butchering U2’s “Beautiful Day.” They have fireworks pour down on him like a waterfall. He hits a few Ashlee Simpson caterwaulling notes. He now disappears in the confetti storm. We can still hear him as he blows another note. Simon has left a flaming bag of dog turds on America’s front porch. Thanks.
Taylor Hicks must feel good knowing he’s not the worst winner.
