The Way Too Long News Post 05.28.2010

Wrestling fans, before I pass along to you this, well quite frankly shocking news item, I would advise you to be seated.  If you are at a computer, this should not be an issue.  However, if you are using an iPhone, or possibly a Sony PSP, you should find the nearest sitting device and apply it to your buttocks.  If you are in line to ride the Indiana Jones Adventure at Disneyland and just killing time before you enter the Temple of the Forbidden Eye, I would advice you to go read a less interesting news item (anything posted by TMZ relating to Lindsay Lohan should do) or step out of line.  The information here is so disturbing that it will ruin your enjoyment of the attraction.  Just go.  Step out of line.  Grab a churro.  I’ll wait.

Okay, well folks, this is absolutely shocking.  And just to be on the safe side I’ve asked Pulse Glazer to personally bury this post as quickly as possible with news items related to the latest John Cena bowel movement or what Jim Ross thinks of the all you can eat buffet at Hooters.  I know that’s out of character for him, but like a true professional he has tearfully stepped up to the task.  It’s for the good of the people.  Bless you, Glazman.

I have discovered proof that Triple H has been a source of power in the WWE for quite some time.

No, not electrical power.  They’re not plugging their blow dryers into him (though wouldn’t that be sick?) nor are they charging their cell phones on him.

This is political power.  And Triple H might be abusing that power.

I know, it’s Earth-shaking.  To think that the thirteen-time World Champion might not have actually earned his spot but rather used some less then honest tactics to get said-championships instead of earning it the old fashioned way: through shady deals with seedy promoters designed to keep a territorial monopoly.  Harley Race must be rolling in his grave.

As it turns out, sometime in the year 2000, the storyline (or “angle” as the insiders say) where Triple H had “married” the actress hired to play Vince McMahon’s on-screen daughter Stephanie turned into a real life romance between the Emmy Award nominated actors.  And this would be fine.  It happens all the time in high-brow entertainment fields such as professional wrestling.  Look at Sonny & Cher, or Clark Kent & Lois Lane.  Triple H (real name Paul Levesque) and Stephanie McMahon (real name Stephanie Levesque now) got married in 2003, and shortly there after Triple H (or H3 for you hipsters out there) saw his career soar to new heights.  He went from losing opening matches to the likes of Prince Albert and Val Venis to winning the aforementioned thirteen World Championships.

But, after careful research on the part of the guys we get our news from like every other wrestling website, it turns out that the actress playing Vince McMahon’s daughter actually was his daughter.  Like everyone else, I figured her last name being McMahon was just a hilarious coincidence.  BUT WAIT~!!  Even more shocking, she wasn’t even a trained actress.

I know.  I know.  I mean after seeing her tearfully plea to Stone Cold Steve Austin to save her from the Undertaker and the Higher Power (Vince McMahon in a heartwarming cameo) , I found it extremely hard to believe that she wasn’t at least an undergraduate of the Juilliard School of Performance Arts.  This could also be an example of nepotism, as Vince McMahon no doubt turned away countless actresses who had more qualifications for this highly sought after role.  Thankfully, his casting paid off, much like that of Sofia Coppola in the Godfather Part III.

But it begs the question: did Triple H really earn his multiple championships?  Or did he sleep his way to the top?  Prior to his relationship with McMahon (the one with boobies… no not Vince.  Nooooo, not Linda either.  I’m talking about Stephanie.  Jesus…) he had only had a marginal career, winning the King of the Ring tournament, the Intercontinental Championship on a few occasions, been the leader the most successful stable in WWE history, and had won the WWE Championship.   Barely noteworthy.

Had he not sold his soul to be a trophy husbandfor Mrs. Coppola in tights and implants, he might not have used his new found power to obtain new found glory like… um…

Like the time he um…

Didn’t he win the Royal Rumble?

HE SLEPT WITH STEPHANIE MCMAHON TO WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE!!  HOW DOES THE MAN SLEEP AT NIGHT?

Then again, if you have to sleep with Stephanie to win the Royal Rumble, then that means in 1999…

No… just, no…

IN OTHER NEWS

Ken Anderson is happy that Randy Orton got hurt slapping his hands three times on the mat. Now there’s a sound Anderson didn’t hear too much of in the WWE.

Jim Ross posted a blog entry that wrestling experts agree was a coded message of what his career plans are.

Ema i ler….yes, a nnouncers can over prepare, without question. I generally found out that m ost of my prep work and material never made air because what one sees on the monitor is what on which one needs to focus.  I have heard too many announcers force their material into a show simply because they wrote it down and felt compelled to use it. I’ve been g uilty o f the same at t i mes. Bottom li n e is that g rea t ann o uncers prepare bu t allow the matches to evolve and come to them at which time they can react accordingly a n d th a t’s not telling the fans what they can readily see on their TV screen IE “that’s a headlock . ” The best broadcasters are the ones with the best natural instincts which are not something that one can be automatically taught.”

As you can see, carefully hidden inside his post, but clearly there, is the message “I am going to TNA.“  Inside Pulse readers should feel free to read too much into that.  I know I did.

-Ring of Honor hasn’t gone out of business yet.

Mickie James’ #1 fan Zavyr Peygumbari accepted a two year probation sentence for his threats to blow up Titan Towers.  Peygumbari was also banned from attending wrestling events, but that won’t apply to him because  Mickie James is likely headed for TNA.

A person no longer involved in professional wrestling was injured doing something not remotely related to professional wrestling. Stay tuned to Inside Pulse for all the latest professional wrestling related news.

Thanks, Fed 😉

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