You get to put up with me for three hours.
IT’S TIME TO GET SMACKED RAW!
The theme tonight is that RAW and SmackDown are in the same building and the WWE Universe can decide the matches and stipulations for tonight’s show.
With that said, T-Lo and Bret Hart are out at the top of the hour explaining the concept. So to make this work, the participants of the WWE Title match will be in action and we get to pick their opponents. T-Lo wants to talk about Randy Orton, so Randy decides to come out with his arm in a sling. Needless to say, Orton wants to give Bret a choice and he wants Edge TONIGHT! Orton wants to take Edge out with him. This brings out Edge and he wants Bret to give him what he wants. T-Lo whispers a great idea to Bret’s ears so we get the fans in the arena to decide. We get three options: A debate, a sit-up contest, or Edge has to compete with his arm tied behind his back. Of course, the last option wins.
We get our first match tonight: Chris Jericho v. Big Show in either an over-the-top rope challenge, submission match, or a bodyslam challenge.
Commercials.
Chris Jericho v. Big Show – Bodyslam Challenge
48% of the Universe selected this option over the 41% that picked the submission match. Big Show is in all smiles as the bell rings. Show gives Jericho first dibs, but Jericho wants to weaken him instead. Of course, this allows Big Show to get the advantage. First attempt by Jericho suffers and Show continues to toy with him. KO punch is ready, but Jericho takes a powder. Show looks to grab Jericho back in the ring, but Jericho snaps the arm off the ropes. He goes after the arm, but he gets goozled. Thumb to the eyes connects and he attempts a double axe handle to get swatted. Big Show catches Jericho off the ropes and he bodyslams him for the win before applying the Cobra Clutch and to make it even better, he tosses Jericho out of the ring.
Winner: Big Show
Grade: N/A
During the break, you can vote the Hart Dynasty’s opponents. The Usos, The DudeBusters, or Khali & Hornswoggle.
Commercials.
The Hart Dynasty (w/Natalya and new t-shirts) v. Great Khali & Hornswoggle
Khali and Kidd start things off in this non-title match. Kidd gets owned in the early going. He slaps Kidd in the chest and we get a one-armed bodyslam. He tags in Hornswoggle and we get a tadpole splash that misses. Kidd covers Hornswoggle and we get a victory with no midgets abused in this segment.
Winners: The Hart Dynasty
Grade: FTS
The Usos and Tamina run un and the Hart Dynasty get the upperhand this week!
Jerry Lawler has a problem with something and he gets up from the announcing booth. Needless to say, we recap Kane’s awesome promo from SmackDown.
The cast of the A-Team is up next!
Commercials.
So Bradley Cooper is here, and no one else is. He gives a boring 20 second promo before leaving. Meanwhile, Jerry Lawler is backstage looking for somebody. Two tech guys disguised as the rest of the A-Team take Jerry in and it seems that Jerry Lawler lost his crown…or it got stolen. OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! If this is another segment that involves Zack Ryder, I’m going to scream. Meanwhile, the other A-Team cast meets up with the Bellas, who are dressed up for a Bra & Panties match.
Here comes Santino Marella. He faces Vladimir Koslov in either a match, arm wrestling competition, or a dance off. That will be decided after the break.
Commercials.
Santino Marella v. Vladimir Koslov – Dance Off
I’m not going to dignify this load of horse manure. Dancing with the Stars this is not.
Winner: Vladimir Koslov
Grade: N/R
After this, the odd couple did a little do-se-do. The Divas will either compete in a 12 diva tag match, diva battle royal, or it’ll be Layla v. Eve – champion v. champion.
Commercials.
12 Diva Battle Royal
Melee to start. The Bellas eliminate Rosa Mendez in the early going. Tiffany is next to go and Kelly gets eliminated. Maryse and Gail Kim are close to go, but Gail takes Alicia with them. The Bellas get eliminated by Lay-Cool. Eve takes it to SmackDown’s co-champions. Eve sends Layla into Michelle McCool and both leave the ring. Eve fights off Maryse and Jillian, but the numbers game becomes too much. Eve goes out of the ring and Jillian celebrates prematurely, but Maryse throws Jillian out for the win.
Winner: Maryse
Grade: N/A
Sheamus is backstage and Kane is in the shadows. Kane accuses Sheamus of taking the Undertaker out. Sheamus denies the charge and Kane hopes to see him real soon. Sheamus will take on either Kane, Mark Henry, or Evan Bourne.
Commercials.
Shocking that they remembered that Evan Bourne won the main event last week on RAW.
Sheamus v. Kane
Kane manhandles Sheamus to start and Sheamus gets sent from the ring. Brawling on the outside ensues. Back inside the ring we go and Sheamus takes advantage of Kane going to the top. POWERSLAM BY SHEAMUS…two count only! Break time.
Commercials.
We’re back with Sheamus covering Kane for two. Kane reverses the wrist lock and he kicks Sheamus in the jaw. Sidewalk slam connects and he hits a low dropkick for two. Back to the top we go for Kane and he connects with the missile dropkick. Chokeslam…nope! Axe Handle misses, and Sheamus counters another chokeslam with a backbreaker. Kane no-sells and he sends Sheamus out of the ring. Chokeslam connects, but Sheamus rolls out of the ring. He gets on the apron and he says FTS and we get a countout.
Winner: Kane
Grade: C
Kane is pissed.
Later tonight, we get John Cena taking on either Swagger, Mysterio, or Punk.
Commercials.
We recap NXT from last week, where Wade Barrett won.
Savannah interviews Wade Barrett and he inherited Chris Jericho’s ego in the process. He promises something next week.
Meanwhile, Ted DiBiase and Virgil complain about Viewer’s Choice. The A-Team question them about the crown. Seems that I.R.S. stole the crown…and it was a fake. We get a gas attack to boot.
Tag team match upcoming and you get to choose R-Truth’s AND The Miz’s partners. Christian, MVP, & Morrison for Truth and Ziggler, Regal, and Ryder for Miz.
Commercials.
R-Truth & John Morrison v. The Miz & Zack Ryder
So we call this either RyMiz or something equally stupid. Miz and Truth start things off. Hip toss by Miz and we get Morrison into the fray. Tag back to Truth and Miz gets pinned for two. Tag to Ryder and he takes it to Truth and scores a two count. Miz tags and they work well for the moment. Boot to the face connects and we get a two count. Truth fights back with a backdrop. Miz cuts Truth off, but Truth tags Morrison anyway and loses his shoe. Morrison takes it to Miz for another two count. Miz gets involved and Morrison gets planted with Skull Crushing Finale for the win.
Winners: The Miz & Zack Ryder
Grade: C-
Backstage, Edge complains to Bret Hart about the match and it’s going to happen anyway. Kane interviews Bret Hart about taking out Undertaker. He makes the threat and Bret looks on as if he isn’t scared.
Commercials.
Randy Orton v. Edge – Edge wrestles with one arm tied behind his back
They jockey for position and Orton clotheslines Edge and he does the Garvin Stomp. RKO attempt and Edge counters. Edge undoes the knot and is DQ’ed.
Winner: Randy Orton
Grade: N/A
Edge looks for the spear…Orton counters with the boot and he kicks Edge out of the ring. He goes after Edge and Edge hits Orton in the bad arm with the chair. Orton is down and Edge slams the chair on the arm. Orton still stands tall and is extremely pissed off.
We recap the past two hours of RAW. One more hour to go!
Commercials.
We recap moments ago, in case you have short-term memory.
John Cena puts Evan Bourne over. Then he gets interviewed by Savannah and he calls the WWE Universe the fairest decision makers. HA! Uh-Oh, Cena said DAMN!
What the Hell? Who brought Gene Okerlund out from the past? He interviews that one A-Team member that suffered a gas attack (yes I’m horrible with names of the random celebrities). Gene says that his replacement is horrible – but Josh Matthews is next to him. Seems that Josh Matthews gets the rib tonight.
And finally, we get what is the greatest entrance music in the WWE today – Drew McIntyre. T-Lo says the fans will select Drew’s opponent tonight. We get Yoshi Tatsu, Goldust, and some Mystery Man that does the V1 sign. Nah, he’s fired…couldn’t be him.
Commercials.
Drew McIntyre v. Matt Hardy
Drew McIntyre has a microphone and he says the match is not happening. Drew says that Hardy was suspended and T-Lo says that he is right, but he was suspended from SmackDown, not RAW. HAHA! Bell rings and Hardy executes some RUTHLESS AGGRESSION on McIntyre. Back in the ring, Drew gets a boot to the face and he charges for the corner only to miss. Twist of Fate connects and Matt gets a measure of revenge.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Grade: D- (squash, but storylined)
But Hardy is not finished! He pulls a lock of McIntyre’s hair from his head.
Seems Rampage is handcuffed to a chair and DiBiase, Virgil, and I.R.S. are going to take him to the ring.
Commercials.
We’re in the ring and Rampage is handcuffed to the ring ropes. Seems someone payed DiBiase to do this. And that person is Roddy Piper (w/bad microphone).
Seems that Roddy hates the A-Team. More importantly, he hates Mr. T. Roddy wants to do the world a favor and he is going to beat Rampage. Watch Dana White shit his pants.
NEVER FEAR, BUT DUSTY RHODES AND GENE OKERLUND COME TO THE RESCUE! Rampage breaks through and he takes out I.R.S. and Virgil and has a spinebuster for Ted DiBIase. Chokeslam by Rampage to Virgil. Again, Dana White must have just shit his pants.
Cena takes on either Swagger, Mysterio, or Punk…NEXT!
Commercials.
Royal Pains Mark Feuerstein guest hosts RAW next week! Expect wacky things.
And Lawler has his crown back.
Josh Matthews asks the potential opponents the same question and gets owned by Punk.
John Cena v. CM Punk
One I actually never expected. He brings the SES with him, so this should be an entertaining main event. Bell rings and they jockey in position. Punk gets out of the ring to keep separation in. Cena sends Punk to the ropes and the fans chant “You Can’t Wrestle” towards Cena presumbly. Punk reverses a takedown and Cena reverses a legscissors. Cena goes for the mask and Punk rolls out of the ring. Back in and Punk takes it to Cena with knees and thrusts. Snapmare connects and Punk covers for a two count. Legscissors applied on Punk with a headrub added to it. Cena gets out of it and goes for the STF, but Punk has that scounted. Bulldog connects and Luke Gallows drops Cena like a bad badit. Commercial time!
Commercials.
We’re back and Punk almost got the A.A. but Punk sends Cena out of the ring for Serena to kick him in the gut. Punk follows with a kick to the back and we go back to the ring. Punk focuses on the back and HERE COMES CENA! Shoulderblocks! PROTOBOMB! FIVE…KNUCKLE…SHUFFLE! Here comes Wade Barrett and Cena wisely ignores him. He drops the knuckles and goes for the A.A. as Barrett gets closer to the ring. The rest of the NXT rookies from Season One take out the SES and they surround Cena in the ring. Cena gets mobbed! It’s gang warfare on RAW! Danielson gets in the mount position as the rest of the rookies take out Matt Striker AND JERRY LAWLER! Michael Cole gets the hell out of dodge! The timekeeper gets taken out and Justin Roberts as well! The ring gets destroyed and Matt Striker gets stripped! The padding gets pulled apart and Cena tries to fight back, but isn’t able of doing so. Heath Slater has Cena and he sends him to afro man for a clothesline. Clothesline by Slater! Punk tries to save Cena, but is taken down by Danielson! Cena is poised up and is clotheslined again! Cena is down in the middle of the ring as Danielson mouths Cena saying that he is not the main event. Kick to Cena by Danielson! Wade Barrett hits a frontward fireman’s carry on Cena and another NXT member hits the 450! They all leave the ring as Cena is motionless. What does this mean for Monday Night RAW? Carnage everywhere! EMTs are there for Cena who looks legit hurt following the assault. Cena gives a thumbs up as the show ends.
Match result: No Contest
Grade: N/R
Show Over.
The Inside Pulse
Well hell, I’m giving RAW a B mainly because of the last few minutes. The NXT invasion was unexpected, seemingly unplanned, and full of chaos. The show was trekking on a low D-F grade until the main event. Aside from that segment, it was practically an off show tonight, which isn’t what I expected for a special RAW. I’ll be back Wednesday with 10 Thoughts on Pulse Wrestling. Have a great week!
