The Weekly 10: Celebrities

Features, Site News, Top Story

10. Jack of Fables – Sure, he isn’t actually famous as himself, but as the star of a blockbuster movie trilogy, he’s got all the fame you can ask for.

9. Human Torch – No one in the Marvel Universe enjoys his fame like Johnny Storm… and no one uses it to get more ass.

8. Super Young Team – Japan’s premier team are batshit insane, and, while they want to use their powers responsibly, they end up mostly being one big PR stunt… especially cool with a guy who’s power is that he’s so rich he can do anything.

7. Longshot – The Star of the Reality Television obsessed Mojoverse, he’s overthrown the government numerous times and just keeps getting more famous for it. His luck allowed him to edge out the man he usually deposes- Mojo.

6. Tony Stark – The playboy billionaire is what Bruce Wayne pretends to be, only he’s so smart he was actually put in charge of a major government agency. Of course, he messed it all up, but at least it wasn’t because of the booze and women.

5. Lex Luthor – Tony Stark, but more driven (read: obsessed), and he wasn’t in charge of a government agency, he was the freaking President.

4. Lila Cheney – While most of these are relegated to Earth, Lila is famous in numerous galaxies as a singer who is also the longest range teleporter in Marvel.

3. The Authority – They stopped the world’s biggest threats and partied way too much while doing it, then they took over the government when they were unhappy with it.

2. X-Statix – Peter Milligan’s team of degenerate reality show star mutants was fantastic. An examination of fame and superpowers, living fast and dying hard, with a ton of absurdity to make it one of the best comics of the 00s.

Spider Jerusalem – The Columnist for “The Word” is famous for his political commentary and being batshit insane. Here are 10 great Spider quotes:

-The Oval Office carpet is thick with Presidential semen. They look out of the window, think “I own you all” and jack off like ugly apes in humping season. It’s what they live for. No one who wants that is to be trusted. Why can’t you all see that?

-There’s one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it’s one word long— PEOPLE. No matter how big the idea they all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightened. It’s people that kill every revolution.

-Journalism is just a gun. It’s only got one bullet in it, but if you aim right, that’s all you need. Aim right it right, and you can blow a kneecap of the world.

-That’s what a monoculture is. It’s everywhere, and it’s all the same. And it takes up alien cultures and digests them and shits them out in a homogenous building-block shape that fits seamlessly into the vast blank wall of the monoculture. This is the future. This is what we built. This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn’t we? It is only our money that allows commercial culture to flower. If we didn’t want to live like this, we could have changed it any time, by not fucking paying for it. So lets celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger.

-You want to know about voting. I’m here to tell you about voting. Imagine you’re locked in a huge underground nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pit bulls for fun. And you ain’t allowed out until you all vote on what you’re going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch “Republican Party Reservation”. They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns and brand-new sexual organs that you did not know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as the eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That’s voting. You’re welcome.

-You people don’t know what the truth is! It’s there, just under their bullshit, but you never look! That’s what I hate most about this fucking city — lies are news and the truth is obsolete!

– My grandfather had died, and my mother was trying to explain it to me. . . .Grandpa isn’t coming back? No, she said. Not ever again. . . . And I remember saying, hold everything right fucking there. You went to all the trouble of conceiving me, and giving birth to me, and raising me and clothing me and all . . . and you make me cry and things hurt so much and disappointments crush my heart every day and I can’t do half the things I want to and sometimes I just want to scream — and what I’ve got to look forward to is my body breaking and something flipping off the switch in my head — I go through all this, and then there’s death? What is the motherfucking deal here? I wasn’t having this. This was not fair.

– Everyone’s looking for someone to blame. Society. Culture. Hollywood. Predators. Looking everywhere but the right place. Children are very simple, Mr. Jerusalem. Very easy devices to break, or assemble wrong. You want to know who did this to these kids? Only their parents. That’s the thing no one wants to hear. Every time you stop thinking about how you’re treating your kid, you make one of these. It really is as simple as that. It’s got nothing to do with the failure of the society or any of that. It’s got everything to do with the responsibility of making a human.

-Yeah. I’m calling your “faith” bullshit. This man needs medical help if he can’t get through his life without something invisible to believe in. Y’know, I wouldn’t mind all this half so much if there was some historical truth in it. This whole concept of “faith”— of believing in something that isn’t fucking there— was invented by a man to cover up the cracks in the “christianity” he cobbled together with the Romans. This whole god thing comes from the days when our brains weren’t as connected up as they are now, and we all hallucinated daily!

-These are the new streets of this city, where the New Scum try to live. You and me. And here in these streets are the things that we want: sex and birth, votes and traits, money and guilt, television and teddy bears.

But all we’ve actually got is each other.

You decide what that means.

Glazer is a former senior editor at Pulse Wrestling and editor and reviewer at The Comics Nexus.