Bad Movies Done Right – Animals

Columns

Every day Robert Saucedo shines a spotlight on a movie either so bad it’s good or just downright terrible. Today: You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals!

Animals, the Douglas Aarniokoski directed adaptation of John Skipp’s novel, is a not-half-bad take on shapeshifters that suffers from some seriously bad CGI effects and a terminal case of pointless voice-over narration.

Marc Blucas stars as Jarrett, a down-on-his-luck construction worker whose life changes when a mysterious woman picks him up at a bar. Nicki Aycox is adorably cute as Nora, a dead-ringer for Madonna circa Like a Virgin—fashion sense and all. Unfortunately, beneath Nora’s petite frame lies a vicious killer with an extending jaw right out of an Apex Twins music video.

Nora is a shapeshifter, a member of a hidden race of half-animal, half-human creatures that live off of the blood of humans. After escaping the clutches of her possessive and more-often-than-not violent boyfriend Vic (played by Lost‘s Naveen Andrews) Nora stumbles into a bar and into Jarrett’s life.

Soon, due to Nora’s tendency to nibble during sex, Jarrett is similarly transformed into a shapeshifter — with all the raging hormones, uncontrollable anger and bizarre behavior that goes along with occasionally turning into an animal.

Despite Jarrett’s newfound attitude, things begin to look peachy for our nature-loving couple until Vic shows up looking to reclaim his lost lover. Before you can say bizarre love triangle, Vic, Nora and Jarrett are caught in a whirlwind of blood, guts and fangs.

I do have to give credit to Skipp for coming up with a fresh-ish take on the shapeshifter genre. While the story is not exactly brimming with creativity, the movie simultaneously feels fresh and familiar enough to keep the audiences’ attention during its 90 minute running time.

As Jarrett finds love (or at least animal magnetism) and looses it, audiences will have no problem getting sucked into the low-budget horror movie. Things go awry, though, when the shapeshifters actually begin to shift shape.

Instead of looking like your typical run-of-the-mill animal or even taking on the appearance of your standard lycanthrope, the shapeshifters of Animals are shadowy horse-coyotes — kind of like a cross between Aisling from The Secret of Kells and Mr. Horse from The Ren and Stimpy Show. Animals‘ shapeshifters are an ill-conceived use of CGI that ultimately mar the movie.

The practical effects in Animals are actually pretty decent in comparison to the CGI — with basic cable worthy make-up and prosthetic effects used to show the shapeshifters in mid-transformation mode.

Marc Blucas turns in a pretty sturdy performance as Jarrett. Neither shining with excellence nor reeking in awfulness, Blucas’ acting is perfectly acceptable for the caliber of film Animals is.

Naveen Andrews, on the other hand, lets it all loose for his role as Vic, the film’s main heavy. Hamming it up like he was auditioning for the role of a super villain in a ‘90s comic book movie, Andrews at least appears to be having fun — whether he’s using his bare teeth to rip the flesh off the body of some poor fratboy or unleashing a string of angry expletives at his unfaithful girlfriend.

Eva Amurri also appears as Jane, a local woman with a mysterious background who could offer salvation for Blucas’ soul.

The worst thing Animals has going for it is its own preciousness. A truly terrible voice-over narration and some pretty cheesy exposition montages help to chip away at what would otherwise be a halfway decent creature feature.

Animals is not a great film — it isn’t a terrible one either. A great way to drift off into unconsciousness on a sleepless night, Animals offers up the best of made-for-television horror effects with all the blood and guts you’ve come to expect in your generic independent horror movies.

A cast of dependably steady b-level television actors and a somewhat interesting story make Animals worth checking out if it crosses your path. Worst comes to worst, watch Animals to get a peak at what kind of career Naveen Andrews is looking forward to if he doesn’t start picking his roles better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMsBZryldqo

Robert Saucedo is not surprised at all to see that none of the cast members from Animals are actually on the DVD cover. The film blew its budget on CGI shadow coyote-horses and couldn’t afford to pay the actors for their pictures. Duh. Follow Robert on Twitter @robsaucedo2500.

Robert Saucedo is an avid movie watcher with seriously poor sleeping habits. The Mikey from Life cereal of film fans, Robert will watch just about anything — good, bad or ugly. He has written about film for newspapers, radio and online for the last 10 years. This has taken a toll on his sanity — of that you can be sure. Follow him on Twitter at @robsaucedo2500.