What a ridiculous, hilarious, humiliating episode. Seriously, Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette resulted in two of the most satisfying hours of guilty pleasure TV viewing ever, thanks to Weatherboy, Kasey, and The Lion King. I laughed. I cringed. I laughed some more.
The guys left that scuzzy, mouse-infested dump of a mansion to start of their trip around the world with Ali. First stop? New York City! I love how the producers treat this trip as though it’s the perfect way to start a relationship. Wrong. It’s the perfect way to start a fairytale romance that will implode as soon as it ends and real life begins. “Traveling with someone is how you really get to know everything,” Ali said. Yes, because if I am forced to be myself anywhere, it is in a foreign city where I know no one. That’s ridiculous! Traveling is when I get to break out the fake foreign accent and pretend I’m a famous pop star in Japan! Real is going on a road trip to a wedding, or having your car break down on the side of the road on the way to the zoo, or having someone hold your hair back when you get carsick.
Oh, Kasey. Remember when he told Ali that he would guard and protect her heart? Remember, it was the first night they met? Remember, it made you throw up in your mouth just a little bit? Well, if you didn’t remember you were certainly familiar with Kasey’s dating slogan after this weeks episode. Did he rip off that phrase from Scotchgard or the NYPD or something? How long do you think he spent thinking about that phrase before he came on The Bachelorette? I bet there’s a scrap of paper back at his apartment with a bunch of stuff like “To Serve and Protect” scrawled on it and then scratched out.
Kasey was very excited about receiving the first one-on-one date with Ali in New York. He thought they had their own “unique connection”. I guess in that him being scarily obsessed with her and Ali thinking “Well, I guess it’s time to get to know Kasey” is kind of unique. As usual, Jonathan expressed a manic level of jealousy over one of the other guys getting to spend time with Ali, as did Frank. But Chris L. had a better grasp on where Kasey and Ali stood: “I think Kasey closes his eyes and thinks of Ali and thinks of, like, doves flying out behind her, Cupid hitting her with an arrow…you know, like, hearts floating around her head, in a meadow, magically running toward each other with unicorns. I don’t see her as that kind of romanticized love. Not like unicorn love.” So, basically, when Kasey thinks about Ali he pictures Tenley?
Ali and Kasey took off in a helicopter, and she didn’t seem scared at all. I’m going to go ahead and assume that all these helicopter rides and first-class flights courtesy of The Bachelorette have cured her of her fear. It’s like how people who get car sick feel better if they ride in the front seat – you’re not scared of flying, you’re just scared of flying coach!
Kasey amped up his crazy factor by kicking off the date with a bizarre analogy about how Ali had been in a cocoon, and how she hadn’t gotten love from Jake or something, and now she had “expanded out into this beautiful butterfly and she’s ready and open to love.” Um, right…if I were Ali, I would want to turn into a butterfly just to fly the hell away from Kasey.
Kasey and Ali’s date could have been really cool – hanging out in the Museum of Natural History after hours. But the idea of all the exhibits coming to life at night wasn’t scary at all in comparison to Kasey’s behavior on the date. He sang to her. He sang her a song from his heart. I would say that because Kasey sang the song in her heart, and Tenley danced the dance from her heart, that they belong together. But I couldn’t do that to Tenley. Honestly, guys, the singing? That was horrible. It was ad-libbed, because it was all about their helicopter ride, Ali being pretty, and wanting to get a rose. Then there were crickets noises. But really, what would you have said if you were Ali? Well, I would have said “Yeeeeeah…it’s not going to work out”, but Ali said nothing. So Kasey said “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”
The creepy lines just kept on coming too. He told her that his heart was hers and she should “jump in, stay awhile” and then he sang more. Apparently Ali inspires him. Ali called him out on being a big, fake weirdo (OK, she was a tad more diplomatic) and it looked as though she was going to send him packing. But even though she didn’t give him a rose, she still kept him around. What? First of all, WHY? He’s a big weirdo and the date was SO awkward. Second of all, isn’t that against the rules? It’s rose or go home! Where’s Chris Harrison when you need him? I’m convinced that Ali was going to send Kasey home, but panicked and backtracked when she saw the tears/suicidal thoughts in his eyes.
For the group date Roberto, Jesse, Frank, Kirk, Ty, Craig and Weatherboy met Ali in Times Square with a clue to find her in the “concrete jungle”. My thoughts immediately went to the Jay-Z and Alicia Keys song about New York (“concrete jungle where dreams are made of” – the grammar is illogical, the lyrics make me want to hit the big apple) but the date was actually an audition for The Lion King. This was a cool experience for one guy and a really boring day for all the other poor saps, because one guy would get to perform in the show with Ali while the others watched.
Of course, the guy who got to be in the show was wonder-boy Roberto. What is Roberto not good at? He blew all the other guys out of the water in the dancing, proving once again that white men can’t dance. He couldn’t really sing (Jesse was the only one who could carry a tune) but he wasn’t incredibly awful and had the good idea to look at Ali while he sang. Weatherboy is still kicking himself for not doing that, but let’s be real – it would not have made a difference for him. He berated himself about it all night, calling himself both a “schmuck” and a “dolt”. I’m not arguing.
While Ali and Roberto rehearsed their weird, interpretive dance while suspended in the air by wires, the other guys got to sit in the audience and watch. And talk about being jealous, or stare at their own fingernails. Seriously, was that the worst group date ever or what? Couldn’t they go out for coffee or something during the rehearsing? Or at least get a magazine to flip through? Anything? Then when Ali and Roberto finally made their Broadway debut (Roberto’s costume looked good on him, but Ali’s was…less than flattering) the guys had to watch it on a TV in a separate room. For reals? After all that, they didn’t even get good seats for the show? They didn’t even get ANY seats for the show?
Ali was pretty sick for a large amount of the episode. I’m not going to go so far as to say that Crazy Kasey infected her with something on purpose so as to ruin everyone else’s dates, but…no really, he’s not that clever. So what does one do when one is suffering from a nagging cold? Go for walks in the rain and exchange saliva with multiple people! First Ali went for a walk in the rain with Frank and reassured him that she’s still into him. We haven’t seen much of Frank since that first date he had with Ali, but I still think he’s stalker material.
Weatherboy tried to score some one-on-one time with Ali by interrupting her conversation with Craig, but he was denied. Then Kirk made the smartest move of the episode – he pulled her aside and told her he was worried for her health and that she should leave the party to go to bed. Obviously, he would walk her to her room. So Ali chose not to give out a rose at the party and let Kirk walk her up to her room where she made out with him in bed. Again. Seriously, that’s all those two have done so far! Does she even know where he’s from yet?
Chris L. was the lucky recipient of the second solo date in New York, but unfortunately Ali’s cold kind of rained on his parade. Instead of having a fun day exploring New York, Ali invited Chris to come hang out in her hotel suite while she coughed and sneezed all over the place. Chris actually acted like a normal human being and went out to get her soup and flowers before arriving at her suite. Actually, the date ended up being the most accurate portrayal of a relationship that The Bachelor/ette has ever shown. They hung out on the couch and talked – no helicopter! Later, Ali decided she was feeling better and was up for the rest of their date. They had oysters and lobster, talked about how he’d left New York to move home when he found out his mom was sick, and called his Dad for Chris’ birthday. To end the date they went up to the rooftop and danced while Ali’s favorite musician performed with a live band and choir.
The only thing I didn’t like about Chris L. was that he went the route of so many others after the first date – he called Ali his girlfriend. I thought Chris was a little more grounded than that, but they did seem to have a really good connection.
Something tells me that Kasey might actually be a fan of Jordin Sparks’ sappy love song “Tattoo”. He’s definitely the sappy type. As Kasey approached the tattoo parlor, wearing a shrunken plaid shirt that really shouldn’t have been put in the dryer, all I could think was “Oh my god, it will be SO funny if he gets her name”. Basically the opposite of what his poor mother was probably thinking as she watched the episode.
“I snuck out today,” Kasey said. …Along with the camera and sound guys? Funny how these Bachelorette guys are always “sneaking” out, yet still being followed by the camera crew. To prove to Ali that he was genuinely, truly going to “guard and protect her heart” he decided to get a heart and shield tattooed on the girliest of spots for a tattoo – his wrist. This just proved that Kasey is actually delusional. You’d have to be to think that nothing says genuine like a drastic act of desperation that will probably be immensely regretted a month later.
The funniest part of the whole ordeal was Justin’s reaction to it. The guys had noticed Kasey was missing and when he returned with a bandage on his wrist, he told an elaborate lie of having burned himself on the stove and spending the day at the hospital. Justin smelled the lie right away and went on record calling Kasey a “fibber”. Because apparently Justin is in the first grade. I guess if anyone knows about suspicious disappearances for long periods of time, it would be Justin – but I’d like to go on record and call Justin a “hypocrite”.
The cocktail party before the rose ceremony was ripe with awkward moments. There was Weatherboy, who had grown increasingly desperate and insane throughout the visit in New York. And what do crazy, desperate, delusional Bachelorette contestants do? Sing! With a guitar! This show has left me thanking god every day that I don’t have a boyfriend who thinks he can sing. Seriously, what does one do after being “serenaded” by a schmuck who thinks he’s a “singer-songwriter” type? Smile? Run? Suggest turning on the radio? I was shocked to see Weatherboy get a rose last week, and the singing was certainly the kiss of death. Honestly, I don’t know what was worse this episode – Weatherboy’s horrible singing, both at the Lion King audition and at the rose ceremony, or Weatherboy’s way too frequent weather quips. His stint on The Bachelorette has just been one humiliation after another. The speedo, the failed kiss in the music video, the tone-deaf Broadway audition, and finally the sad little acoustic performance. “You know what we need?” joked Kirk. “We need one more guy to play the guitar in this house.”
Justin pushed the issue with Kasey even further at the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, going on at length about how if Kasey lied to the guys then he would lie to Ali and asking to see the burn mark on his wrist. I’m so glad the pot got to pose an inquisition against the kettle like that. Finally, Kasey admitted to the guys that he’d gone out and gotten inked. And if you thought the whole ordeal couldn’t get any creepier, you’re wrong – he’d also made sure to have eleven stones put on the shield, representing the eleven guys left. Because they are his brothers, the diamonds of his heart. Or, you know, something. Even Justin. Kasey further proved his delusion when he recounted the guys’ reactions to the tattoo by saying “They loved it. They thought it was a great, great, great, great addition to my life.” If you say so, Kasey. I gauged the reaction more equivalent to Ali’s awkward, nervous laughter after you tried to serenade her at the museum. Chris L., who is quickly becoming the funniest guy on the show, said “You’re going to be the tattooed Bachelorette guy for the rest of your life. That’s going to be his nickname.” Personally, I like Crazy Kasey or Marblemouth better, but I can work with Tattooed Bachelorette Loser as well.
Finally it was time for the big moment. Kasey got some alone time with Ali and would be able to reveal his tattoo to her. Only he kept stumbling over it, the way you would if you were trying to tell your parents you dropped out of College or telling your husband you used all the household expense money on shoes. It almost seemed like when the time came to show Ali the tattoo, Kasey finally realized what an idiot it made him look like and couldn’t do it. “I agree with you, I overcompensated a bit,” he told her. How can you follow that with “So I permanently marked my body in a highly visible area to prove to you how…mellow I am”?
Before Kasey had the opportunity to tell Ali about the ink, he was interrupted. Why didn’t he say “I need a few more minutes”? It was so unfair! I was waiting and waiting to see Ali’s reaction, and I was robbed of it! That’s like watching a hilarious YouTube video only to have it stop loading just as someone is about to get catapulted into a swimming pool or something. It’s wrong.
It was time for the rose ceremony before he ever got the chance to tell her. I was sure the two crazies – Kasey and Weatherboy – would be sent packing. Chris L. was the only guy safe, having gotten a rose during their date. First up? Kirk. Then Frank, Craig, Chris N. (Who IS this guy?), Roberto, Justin, Ty and…Kasey? That meant Weatherboy and Jesse had been eliminated. Everyone other than Weatherboy could have seen his elimination coming, but I was truly shocked that she sent Jesse home. They’d had a good one-on-one date in Vegas and we hadn’t seen much of him since. Was it because he didn’t seem to own a suit?
Next week, Kirk will reveal a secret. I don’t think it’s the girlfriend, I’m still expecting that one to be Justin. What do you think it will be? I’m hoping that he either was in jail, has a kid or used to be a stripper.
And I’ll leave you with this tidbit from the scenes for next week: “The only thing Kasey has to do is be normal,” Ali says. Hate to break it to you Ali, but “normal” is way out of Kasey’s range.
So far, I think it’s looking like Chris L. and Roberto in the finals, and maybe Kirk in third. I’m guessing that Chris L. will win, since he seems to have more in common with Ali. If so, I bet Roberto will be the next Bachelor. (These are just predictions – I hate spoilers!) Which reminds me – what is Roberto even doing on this show? He’s good-looking. He’s suave. He’s interesting. He could pretty much have everyone, so what is he doing competing for Ali? Discuss.