Satire: Daniel Bryan Danielson Fired, Internet Explodes

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The Satire is a fictional piece of writing. None of it, to the knowledge of me or anybody on staff, is true. While the events depicted in this article may sound very true given the knowledge of principles and practices going on in the wrestling world, we must say with an extra sad face that all of this is more make believe than the wrestling itself.

If you are reading this then the internet has been properly restored and the world may be perfectly aligned. It is believed there were no injuries during this cataclysmic explosion but, at this time, nobody can communicate and report on the situation. The explosion occurred just after midnight Friday night when World Wrestling Entertainment announced the firing of one Daniel Bryan. Bryan, a longtime independent wrestler and beloved internet darling, was fired from the WWE after using a tie to choke the ring announcer, trying to incapacitate and hang him. The WWE felt that this would cause a rapid decline in tie purchases for father’s day as mothers who saw the act would not allow their sons to buy ties in order to strangle their fathers on such a momentous day and consequently fired Bryan.

Backlash ensued throughout the night as droves of teenagers and teenagers in men’s bodies flooded the internet and spewed venom from their keyboards. The poison that appeared on message boards and chat rooms became so much that the internet finally exploded. Word from the official internet headquarters, located in a very secret spot in a very secret building, located somewhere near Parts Unknown, caused an explosion near the size of the infamous Three Mile Island as computers everywhere found themselves without an internet connection. Upon the realization that their main form of communication had silenced them, teenagers began to line the streets all across the country singing small vigils for Danielson in hopes of it being loud enough for Stamford, Connecticut to hear; it wasn’t.

As I report this, I can see zombies crossing the streets with keyboards in hand. It has become much like a fire sale in the neighborhoods as the world struggles to deal with such an interruption. Vince McMahon, if you are out there listening, please hire Mr. Bryan back so that the world can be restored and the internet can return back to a mild poison where people can still conduct their work in peace. You are ruining my job, good sir, by the mere fact that you fired the leader of the internet! But, as I said, if you are reading this then everything is good and we have survived so look to next week when we will have more news on this situation.

Ben LeDoux is a columnist for Inside Pulse Wrestling. He is also currently the Editor of The Front Page Newspaper and technicolor magazine. His work has been featured on New Pages, Duotrope and a list of other online and trade magazines.

Ben LeDoux is a professional wrestler and a writer for Inside Pulse Wrestling, technicolor Magazine, Denver Daily News and other organizations. He is currently the Editor of the Front Page Newspaper.