For Your Consideration…RAWnonymous

For Your Consideration…RAWnonymous

Welcome back to the Internet’s best RAW Judicial Review. This week I’m going to be discussing last night’s PPV, the Daniel Bryan fallout and all of the wacky antics that will transpire on RAW tonight. Basically, it’s what you’ve come to expect from FYC over the years.

Before I begin, I want to take a moment to address the Roundtable piece that went up Sunday. In the midst of a long-winded answer about the WWE Title Match (an outcome that I didn’t get right but was actually close), I made an offhand joke about rape that, in all honesty, I didn’t really pay attention to. I was sort of in the moment (as I tend to be when I rush out one of those Roundtable responses) and had a tremendous lapse in judgment. While it is true that from time to time I make jokes that are offensive to all types of people, I tend to do it with a great deal of charm. On this one occasion, I obviously failed to do that with a topic that I assure you I don’t find particularly amusing. I’m going to chalk this one up to a momentary error, apologize to anyone that was offended, and move on. In the future, I will try to be more careful when it comes to offending people, and will, whenever possible, keep all incendiary remarks directed only at Jim Belushi and Tony Schiavone.

Now that I’ve addressed the heady stuff, let’s get into the serious world of professional wrestling.

Fatally Average PPV:

Last night’s F4tal Way PPV event was, in a word, short. I mean really short (and I ain’t just talking about Mysterio). Somehow, someone timed out this program and forgot that a three hour PPV event shouldn’t end at 10:36. To those of you that ordered this show, you’re owed 24 minutes. On the other hand, looking at the talent that went unused last night, those 24 minutes would involve some combination of Mark Henry, The Great Khali, That Fucking Midget and Santino, so I think we can call it a wash.

The Pay Per View last night was designed to be a “shocking” night where anything could happen. In the end, it was a slightly forgettable show with some well-put-together matches that will wind up on compilation DVDs down the road. Here are some quick thoughts:

-Mr. McMahon’s Opening Address:

Well, besides the fact that he isn’t supposed to be on television anymore, I can’t really complain too much about his appearance. He was there to serve a purpose (announce that Bret was still selling his injuries) and he did just that. Granted, the shtick about him going to meet with Hart’s representatives seemed kinda peculiar, especially when you consider that in the WWE Universe where he exists, he’s supposed to be running the company and you’d think he would have had this meeting sometime BEFORE the PPV. But that’s me trying to make sense of wrestling logic, so I will stop you right there.

The other nice part about Vince being out there was to actually see him interact with Drew McIntyre face-to-face. Over the past few months, Drew has turned the Chairman of the WWE into Epstein’s Mother from “Welcome Back Kotter”, which made me believe that maybe Drew himself was the one writing all of those letters (editor’s note: for those of you who have never seen the show, Epstein was one of the students in Mr. Kotter’s high school class and whenever something arose that he didn’t want to do, he would produce a note that was supposedly written by his mother involving the exact scenario that was about to occur, leading to the kind of hilarity that only people medically cleared could enjoy for fear of death). By having Vince shake Drew’s hand, we were once again reminded that the most powerful man in wrestling has anointed the gawky dude with the ponytail as the next big star in the WWE.

-IC Title Match: Kofi Kingston versus Drew McIntyre

Hey, I actually got this one right in the Roundtable. The match was an overbooked quasi-mess, but it was one that the fans ate up like rabid dogs. Teddy Long’s participation in the finish ensures that Drew has yet another reason to claim that he is a Chris Jericho conspiracy victim, which furthers his character. Some people are going to bitch and complain that Drew had Kofi pinned dead to rights but there was a ref bump, but for Christ’s sake, the guy needs SOMETHING to make him look like a legitimate contender. When you consider the fact that he was going to not only get screwed over by the GM and then get jumped by Matt Hardy, the simple act of him connecting with his finishing move was like his Make-a-Wish dream being granted.

-Tramp Stamp Title: Eve v. Maryse v. Gail Kim v. Alicia Fox

Well, the purpose here was pretty clear: get over the fact that anyone can win one of these matches and that the champion is pretty well screwed. I don’t mind Alicia winning the title, as it’s someone new holding the belt in a division of essentially four women. The only downside to Fox getting the strap is that Maryse is now kind of out of the running for the title unless we start getting three-ways with Maryse, Eve and Alicia (an sentence that is sure to get me random hits on Google). My guess is that Fox can move into a feud with Gail Kim over the title and allow Maryse and Eve to have their feud without championship implications (and yes, I am aware of the absurdity of trying to explain the forward-thinking booking in the Diva division).

-Evan Bourne versus Chris Jericho

So Jericho is on a losing streak, Evan Bourne needs credibility for his push, and someone in Creative figured out how to solve a simple word problem equation: one veteran who keeps losing plus one rising star in need of a win equals an opportunity to not fuck things up. Since I and about half of the Net predicted that Chris Jericho was going to be the leader or advisor for the NXT pack, the fear that he is going to be buried too badly by this gimmick just isn’t there. He’ll be fine. It’s like I’ve always said; marks have kneejerk reactions while smart fans think big picture.

Chris Jericho is one of those stars that has officially obtained the title of perpetually over despite stupid booking. He can lose to pretty much anyone and still get his heat back. Hell, he got knocked out by an actor and turned it into a run that garnered him another world title. Folks, having a spirited match with a talented opponent is never going to hurt anyone, and that’s what happened here. The Long Island crowd was hot for this match, and while they started off cheering for Jericho, they wound up being won over by Evan Bourne. Sure, there were still Y2J chants, but if even one third of that audience now believes that Bourne is a credible threat, then the match was a success. The only thing I would have liked more was for this to happen on RAW so that a bigger audience could have witnessed a potential star moment (though I think Bourne will be in the MITB match at the PPV so he should be fine).

-World Title Match: The Showstoppingly Opportunisticly Weasely All American America Kurt Swangle versus The Big Show versus Rey Mysterio versus CMysterio Punk

In my opinion, there was a lot wrong here. First, there was the decision to remove the title from Swangle, who has been doing a very competent job as champion. One would think that after the WWE pulled the title off of Punk and Sheamus too quickly that the company would learn, but clearly they haven’t. Swangle not only lost, but he was the one that took the fall! In a match where there were no disqualifications, there was no reason that Kane couldn’t have come down and been the catalyst that cost him the title.

Instead, you had Kane come down and attack CM Punk, setting up the inevitable casket match between those two. Even worse, the title wound up on Mysterio. So the reward for injuring the guy who was supposed to take your slot is to get the title yourself? Jesus, if Finlay would have known that, he would have stiffed the hell out of people even more than he already did.

My frustration comes from the fact that Swangle’s title run was sacrificed in order to get over a gimmick for a gimmick PPV, when there was money in him keeping the strap. Even more illogical was putting the title on Rey. Hear me out on this one, because my frustration doesn’t just stem from the fact that I’m not the biggest Mysterio fan on the planet.

First, there’s the fact that the next PPV is Money in the Bank. If the champion is not in the MITB match, why the hell would they put the belt on Rey? He’s the kind of competitor that this gimmick is built for! If anyone should have gotten the title, it should be Big Show. He has been the focus of Smackdown over the past few months, not to mention the fact that the idea of him in a ladder match just makes my eyes bleed.

Second, Rey has shown that he just doesn’t do great with the title. His size limits him when it comes to opponents, as the WWE has continuously pointed out. The only person on Smackdown that he could actually match up against and have a great match is CM Punk, who is now apparently embroiled in a feud with Kane. Who else is there? Do we now get to watch Swangle and Big Show chase? I just don’t get the logic in putting the belt on Mysterio other than the fact that he has star wattage (but the fact that he’s on the show anyway without the title ensures that he’ll draw ratings).

-United States Title: The Miz versus R-Truth

Once again, The Miz has a star-making performance. His opening promo rap was the kind of thing that can go a long way towards establishing him as the next cool heel. Unfortunately, just like the Bourne match, this happened on a PPV that only 1/10th of the audience ordered. Sure, The Miz is already over, but he could always use more. As for the match, the right guy went over and Truth looked tough enough to save face. Not horrible but not something I’m screaming to see again.

-The Hart Dynasty versus Greek Liquor

The very definition of a filler match, this six-person tag was something that at the very least should have been advertised. It wasn’t like we weren’t expecting these two teams to eventually wrestle or anything.

I am not overly impressed by the byproducts of Rikishi’s loins, though I didn’t really pay enough attention to see if they blew too many spots. In the end, Natalya was the one to get the pinfall over Deuce in a wig. What the hell was the point of that? Why not take this opportunity to establish a heel team and give them momentum? At the very least, you could have allowed the Snukette to connect with her splash, so that the heels get a win without pinning one of the champions. Instead, the Harts get a fairly meaningless win in an unadvertised match.

-WWE Title: John Cena versus Randy Orton versus Edge versus Sheamus

To call this match abbreviated would be an understatement. This match felt very much like an old WCW main event, in which four established guys kill time while the audience waits for the outside rebels to attack. Sure enough, as soon as the WWE cut to a random shot of four stars watching in the back, The NXT kids showed up and beat the hell out of them. They then came out to the ring and laid waste to John Cena and Edge. Sheamus then slid in and got the pin. That was unique and original, except for the fact that it JUST HAPPENED THAT NIGHT! Rey Mysterio won after everyone was distracted by Kane and he pinned the champ. Later that same night, Sheamus won after everyone was distracted by the NXT Rookies. That is a finish way too similar to be anything other than sloppy.

I’m fine with Sheamus winning the title here. Again, if the champ sits out the MITB match, then there’s no one I’d rather see miss it than Sheamus. The other three guys in the match are major stars that need to be in the gimmick match to sell the idea. Sheamus can just sit ringside in a jaunty cap and loop pale. I also like the fact that the rookies were the ones who cost Cena the title, because while it isn’t edgy, it still makes them look unpredictable. So far, they’ve torn apart the set, attacked the GM and now cost the champion his title. This might not be the game-changing story we hoped for, but it’s enough to make them seem fearsome.

In the end, the show ended WAY too early, with a climax that everyone (including the announcers themselves) were predicting. F4tal Way will be remembered in the same kind of “Oh yeah” as the Championship Scramble.

If there is a silver lining, it’s that overall the show didn’t make any fatal mistakes. Sheamus has shown before that he’s a capable heel champion, and the door is now open for him to be unseated by Triple H (assuming Hunter’s all healed up) at Summerslam. Rey might not have been the logical choice, but he is a bona fide draw as a face, something that cannot be definitively said about Big Show. The Miz and Kofi both retained their secondary titles, and having the spotlight on them is never a bad thing. Sure, there are things to gripe about, but nothing that’s going to put Vince out of business.

Daniel Bryan’s Song

I haven’t been paying attention to a lot of what’s going on around the Internet, but if I’m the first person to use that as a column header, I weep for the IWC.

So it’s been over a week and the world hasn’t imploded due to a lack of Daniel Bryan in the WWE. In fact, just like I said last week, everyone’s a winner here.

First, there’s the WWE. By releasing Bryan, they have garnered tremendous benefits. They showed their corporate sponsor that they are willing to stand beside them, something Vince was unwilling to do years ago. Sure, we might all bitch and complain, but a company like Mattel provides them with a lot more revenue opportunities than the Net fans that usually wind up just downloading the PPVs anyway.

On top of that, the WWE generated tons of traffic to their WWE.com site (a site that was down in recent weeks). The entire wrestling world was talking about nothing but the WWE, and just like the old adage goes, any publicity is good publicity. Now, when Bryan returns, the WWE will make buckets of money not just from mainstream fans but from die hard indie fans as well (whether they like to admit it or not, they’ll tune in).

Second, there’s the benefit to the indie community. Vince knows that he needs those independent feds to have a measure of success because those feds (a) keep older fans interested in the product and (b) help discover new stars. By letting Bryan go, Vince knew that he wasn’t releasing the Dragon into the open arms of TNA. Instead, he counted on the fact that Bryan would go compete in the indie feds that helped spread his popularity. After being away for over a year, Bryan can once again remind his audience that he is the “Best in the World”. Plus, he can begin to cut the “shoot” promos that will undoubtedly bleed into his WWE return storyline.

Finally, the big winner here is Bryan himself. Sure, he had an indie following when he signed with the WWE, but the majority of the fans didn’t know him from Darren Young (aside from the fact that Bryan doesn’t look like a darker John Cena minus the charisma). His evolution in NXT helped cement him as the plucky underdog, the Internet mouthpiece and the guy who really hated Michael Cole. By the time NXT was finished, the audience didn’t care who won because they already were enamored with Daniel Bryan.

When the WWE decided to shift the NXT guys into the invasion storyline, they had to abandon the Bryan/Miz/Cole angle. After all, you can’t have Bryan feud with Michael Cole since Cole is now required to hate all of the rookies. Also, if Cole was in fact aligned with them, why the hell was he ragging on Bryan the whole time?

I said a few weeks ago that none of the other NXT rookies established themselves as faces, and that this was the reason they would ultimately fail on their own. The WWE isn’t stupid and they realized the exact same thing. Justin Gabriel, Skip Sheffield, Heath Slater and Darren Young generated apathy instead of pops, and they would have all been future endeavored if left to their own devices.

Any wrestler can generate some level of heel heat. All they need is the lather, rinse, repeat formula of rip on the crowd, mock a face and jump your opponent. I’m not saying everyone would get over on equal footing, but it isn’t hard to get fans to hate you (legitimately or not).

Daniel Bryan was the round peg in the square hole that was the NXT Invaders. He was already over with the fans as a babyface AND he had a hot storyline. He was the one who just didn’t make sense in this group. Now, having seen how the angle has progressed, the likelihood that NXT is going to change the world has diminished, so Bryan might have dodged a bullet. Had he been part of this group, he would be forever tainted. Now, when he returns, he can instantly come in as a foil of Wade Barrett and an ally of John Cena, which should instantly make him a top tier player. Can’t ask for anything more than that, can you?

ROHot PPV, Cooling Roster

So the PPV that seemed to have the most buzz this weekend in certain circles was the Death Before Dishonor iPPV on Saturday. I haven’t seen the show yet, but the reports coming out of it seem to be very favorable, especially with regards to the main event.

The show was built on the strength of three big angles; El Generico finally getting in the ring with Kevin Steen, the Kings of Wrestling defending their titles against the Briscoes and Davey Richards challenging for Tyler Black’s ROH World Title.

The first problem that arises with that particular card is that it is VERY similar to the fantasy booking DVD that Gabe released late last year. On that DVD, Gabe talked about splitting up Steen and Generico as well as ultimately building up to Richards/Black. If ROH wanted to use Gabe’s booking, they probably should have just stuck with Gabe. Now, their best show is marred with the fact that it is substantially similar to what their ex-booker was building to all along. It’s kind of like the later seasons of “West Wing” that still followed Sorkin’s storylines but didn’t quite deliver in the execution.

The second problem is that Davey Richards couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut. He was the same guy who, on their TV show, was talking about how he wants to be the “best in the world” and how this is the most important thing in the universe to him. On top of that, you have Jim Cornette singing the praises of Richards and saying that he legitimately cares about being considered the top wrestler currently competing. Then, Richards comes out and says that he’s leaving wrestling to be a paramedic…right before a major PPV that he’s headlining. It didn’t make fans happy when Batista pulled this stunt, but the WWE could survive without Dave. In a thinning marketplace of top talent, ROH can’t afford to lose one of their big names.

Tyler Black, by most reports, delivered in the main event and showed fans that he deserved the world title. Unfortunately, where are the other top challengers? Christopher Daniels is now in line to be the top contender, but on top of being an older star, he’s the kind of guy who could wind up back in TNA in a heartbeat. Roderick Strong has positioned himself as the next challenger, but a show being headlined by Strong and Black doesn’t quite feel like it could carry a PPV. Lastly, there’s Austin Aries, but on top of the fact that he said he doesn’t care about the world title any more, his victory would make him the company’s only 3-time champion (a distinction I’m sure they would like to avoid, lest they be compared to the WWE).

As for the rest of the card, the company is pretty much giving us the only other two major matches in their arsenal. The KOR can only wrestle the Briscoes so many times, and with Steen and Generico a thing of the past, where is the next great face tag team? They could stick with Colt Cabana and El Generico, but if that was their plan, why break up Steenerico in the first place? Kevin Steen might make a run at the top of the card, but is there enough enhancement talent to solidify him?

Ring of Honor is in dangerous waters right now, and unless they make a big leap forward, this show might be less of a new direction and more of a mirage in a desert.

Alright, show’s about to start, so let me get my pimping out of the way: you can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com, friend me on Facebook (simply type Ander Wheeler into the search engine at the top and look for the profile with my column logo on it), or just comment below.

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 6/21/10

“If ya smell…”

The show opens with the unavoidable Nickelback theme song, that thankfully over the past few months has just sort of morphed into white noise for me.

There’s pyro, ballyhoo and a shitload of fans with signs in WWEHD in Bridgeport as Michael Cole opens a Thesaurus and reads every single listing having to do with the term “controversy”. Yep, he’s worth every penny.

Here comes Vince McMahon, complete with a power suit and his swagger. Thankfully, he doesn’t blow out his knees as he gets in the ring. Just like every other wrestler, when Vince retired he’s on television more than ever.

Vince welcomes us to “Monday Night RAW” with the trademark growl. Last night there was chaos in the main event and Sheamus is the new WWE Champion. He said there’s only one person to blame, Bret Hart. McMahon said that he told Bret that he had to make tough decisions, but he made a bad decision when he future endeavored the NXTers. Vince says that Bret was shaken up a little after the attempted vehicular homicide. Due to his car ride, he didn’t show up at the PPV, so this is his fault. I thought Vince was a face? Vince then says that he has no other choice but to relieve Bret Hart. My guess is that something must have happened behind the scenes because they wouldn’t go out of their way to fire Bret Hart for no reason after only like three weeks.

Our new GM is Anonymous. The new GM will make his announcements from a computer in front of Michael Cole, making this a 21st Century Charlie’s Angels. Sure enough, as soon as he announces the “brilliant” new idea, an e-mail comes in. Apparently all seven of the NXTers are now hired. Ten bucks says that it’s Cole.

This brings out Sheamus, who is holding the WWE Title. Jesus, even the gold belt looks pale next to him. According to a sign in the crowd, he glows in the dark. That has less to do with his complexion and more to do with the poor Irish health care. It’s a real shame.

Sheamus has a pensive look on his ginger face. “Mister MacMahon, ahm surry, but tis not ta way ta win da dubbaya dubbaya eye champunship. More dan anytin, ah wanted to prove ah was in de top eshelin bah defeetin tree top douba ya douba ya eye soup or stars on mah own. But tat titn’t happen. So guesswha chyin ta say is ah don’t desereve under tease conditions.” Sheamus then hands the belt to Mr. McMahon before pulling it back. “Anyahahwillanyway. It duznhamattah how it happened. Da fact is, ahm da new douba ya douba ya eee champun. What a glorious occuasion. Before ah get cahried away, ahd like ta send a mussage to ta former NXT guise, tank you. Tank you for interferin in mah match last night. For takin out Bre Hart last week. Tank you fer jumpin da duba duba eye soup or stars in da back and tank you fer givin me the opportunity ah needed. But before da formah NXT lads get carried away, ah didna need yur help. Evurybody knows ah culda won dat fatal furway match all un mah own. So you guys tink ya made a statement last night. Only one statement was made, and dat wus me winnin mah second dubaya dubaya eee chumpinship.”

This gets interrupted by the former WWE Champ John Cena, complete with his Gator Orange and Blue. Cena calls Sheamus pasty, because he’s a workhorse. Think about that one for a second. John says he wants to thank Mr. McMahon for the new Anonymous GM. John tells Cole to send an e-mail to the GM to thank him for hiring the NXTers so he can beat them in an 7-on-1 match. He finally calls Sheamus a jar of mayo because he’s full of nutrients. Cena points out that he gets a rematch, so he thanks Bridgeport. I’ve been to Bridgeport, and there isn’t much there to be thankful for.

“Cena, ewe cum out here and fark all ya like. Da fact is, ah don’t care whacha want fellah, der wont be a douba ya douba ya eee chumpunship match tuhnite. So Mistah McMahon, kindly ask him ta leave or I’ll do it meeself.”

That annoying IM noise that signifies an e-mail means more Michael Cole with a live microphone. Tonight’s main event will be a WWE Title Match between Sheamus and John Cena. I cannot quite express the level of gayness that Michael Cole delivered that line. Yet another e-mail comes in, and tonight’s main event will have a guest referee that commands instant fear (Chyna?), Mister McMahon. So I guess tonight’s show is ending with the NXTers laying out Vince.

I know three people will get this joke, but I wonder if the new Guest GM is Ted Danson.

Commercial.

Your Just for Men replay (look away women) is Jericho/Bourne from last week.

Speaking of which, here comes Evan Bourne, who has two tickets for tonight’s show. Either that, or he’s advocating peace at a show that promotes violence. We get a still photo of Bourne hitting AirBourne, because if they showed the whole move, no one would order the replay.

His opponent is Chris Jericho, who has his own microphone. Now do you think he took one from the back or does he just bring one with him to every show? I don’t know how those independent contractor deals work. Chris puts up the photo and says that if he loses to Evan Bourne, he will leave forever…on the world’s largest conveyer belt.

Jericho attacks Bourne as I think of all of the times that Jericho’s been thrown out of the WWE. He lost to John Cena and was kicked off of television. He was banned for life from RAW. Now he’s got his career on the line…again…against Bourne. Will Chris be banned for life again? Will his punishment for taking an ABC show be his undoing? Will he leave only to return as the leader of the NXTers? There’s so much intrigue that I think we need a…

Commercial.

There’s a Tostito chip commercial that says there’s a chip dip called “The Wheeler”. I should sue.

We’re back and Bourne is trapped in a rest hold. During the break, Evan Bourne defied gravity like a witch in a Broadway show as he jumped to the outside onto Jericho. Meanwhile, in real time, Bourne got a roll-up but gets dropkicked out of the ring. Chris then brings back the classic heel hand-dusting that needs a resurgence. Lawler, meanwhile, attempts to explain the logic of Chris Jericho putting his career on the line, and makes about as much sense as Brick.

Bourne makes it back in the ring at 9 so that he can get punched in the head some more. Chris goes for a suplex put the 84 pound Bourne drops on him for two. Evan then hits a spinning heel kick before busting out Token Offense and transitioning into Anti-Semitic Offense. Evan gets trapped in the Walls and somehow turns it into a spinning DDT and Cole calls it disheartening for Jericho. Disheartening? I guess the new GM sent Cole word-a-day toilet paper or something.

Chris beats on the small lesbian Bourne before stretching him out over his knee, which just doesn’t look all that threatening. On the plus side, Evan has been portrayed here as Jericho’s equal and not just a fluke. Meanwhile, Jericho goes to the second rope and Bourne snaps him off of there with a hurricarana that was picture perfect. Evan then connects with double knees but it gets turned into the Walls of Jericho. Evan is selling this thing like he’s dying and Chris is screaming “Ask him” with some intense fury. Somehow, Bourne makes it to the ropes before kicking Chris in the head. Evan slowly climbs to the top rope and goes for AirBourne but eats double-knees and the Codebreaker for the pin. Well I’m glad Jericho won after arbitrarily putting his career on the line.

Hey, both guys looked pretty good in a short match. Evan now looks like he can hang with a main eventer and Chris has extinguished his losing streak nonsense. After the match, Jericho stands over Bourne and helps him to his feet. He then kisses him on the head before shoving him back down to the mat. That was kinda bush league and below a guy that doesn’t need that kind of nonsense. Then again, if he didn’t do that, we wouldn’t have seen the bizarre look on Bourne’s face when he got shoved down.

Later tonight, Sheamus will face John Cena, and the ref is a poorly photoshopped image of Vince in a ref shirt.

Commercial.

Tomorrow Night: Duck-Billed Rhodes versus Lucky Cannon (Best porn name ever).

RAW is live from a sold out arena in Connecticut, which means everyone from the WWE got complimentary tickets for their whole families.

Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Real Men Wear Pink” Cole remind us about the e-mail GM as we see Vince on the phone with Mr. Anonymous.

In the locker-room, we see a deeply concerned looking Virgil, who clearly forgot where he put his stash. Teddy shows up and apologizes for embarrassing Virgil before firing him. Teddy has upgraded to Maryse. You really can’t fault that logic. Teddy makes a condom joke before firing Virgil again.

Mini-Orton is in the back with the Hart Dynasty. He asks about their thoughts on Bret being fired. Natalya says that he was railroaded again and the NXT rookies should be in jail for what they did. Natalya dedicates her debut match on RAW before saying their hearts won’t stop beating. So essentially they’re the undead.

A Hummer-zine shows up and it’s officially Nitro.

Commercial.

Here comes Natalya and the Hart Dynasty. Uh, how come the Unified Tag Champions don’t have their belts? That’s inexcusable. When you’re a champion, you should have your belt with you at all times!

We now relive the whole vehicular homicide from last week before introducing Snukette. She is where erections go to die.

Snukette beats the hell out of Natalya for a while but Natalya hits a clothesline and a slam before Greek Liquor distract her. Snukette gets reversed into a Sharpshooter before the NXTers show up.

Wade Barrett comes out to apologize by Kidd leaps over the top rope into the wrestlers. The rookies pounce on the tag champions and demolish them so bad that they fade into blackness. Oh wait, that’s just a…

Commercial.

We’re back with David Otunga apologizing for his actions the past few weeks (but enough about his in-ring work). They did it because they love the WWE. So it’s the Ike Turner defense?

Now that they have a contract, things will return to normal.

Heath Slater says that he’s trying to say “sorry” and he has no problem with the locker-room and the WWE Universe. The attacks were not personal. So now it’s the Nuremberg defense?

Justin Gabriel apologizes to Bret Hart. He put them in the corner, and no one puts subpart South Africans in the corner. Second, he apologizes to the Hart Dynasty but they had to defend themselves.

Darren Young apologizes to his white doppelganger John Cena. He needed to make an impact, and the best way to do that was to attack Cena. Young promises to get Cena his title back as the crowd chants Buckwheat.

Skip Sheffield apologizes to the WWE Universe. Skip says that the fans supported him and said his catchphrase, so he tries to lead them in chanting his tag. Sheffield apologizes to the parents of the little kids who were traumatized.

Michael Tarver says that he was a single father and was homeless before apologizing to his four children. Nope, no stereotype there. Tarver says that if any of them had the chance, they would have done what the NXTers did.

Wade Barrett says that everyone did what they had to do. Why did he do it? He had a job and a paper view title shot. Why would he align himself? Loyalty. They decided that they would have fun on NXT (that was supposed to be fun?) but they were all going to get contracts. He wasn’t going to let management dictate their careers as long as no one used a clothing accessory as a weapon. Wade then reveals that their group is called The Nexus. Wade got his title shot back along with the contract. He now says that Sheamus is only the champion because of them. A Sheamus/Wade Barrett feud can only end in a car bomb.

Wade promises Sheamus that he’s going to lose his title and Barrett is going to be champion and he will make no apologies. Oh, because they all just apologized. Cute.

The Nexus’s new theme song starts playing, so I guess they drove to Stanford and threatened Jim Johnston. Or is he a part of the n.W.o.? Who is in the limo? Will Goldberg stay undefeated? Stay tuned…

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes the forgotten son, John Morrison. He’s accompanied by this generation’s Waylon Mercy, Eli Cottonwood. His opponent is Ted DiBiase, complete with Maryse and a microphone. Wait, apparently Teddy isn’t going to wrestle, but instead found a replacement. That replacement is Zach Ryder, who is accompanied by former Florida Gator Titus O’Neil.

Morrison and Ryder start it out with some chicanery and the real winner here is the nearest spray tan establishment. John goes off the second rope but gets knocked off by Zach Ryder. Ryder then locks in a resthold for a while before Morrison connects with a kick for two. Morrison lays out Ryder and connects with Starship Pain for the pin. Well that was pretty decisive.

Eli Whitney comes in to celebrate (and by celebrate I mean look creepy) as Cole calls Starship Pain “gorgeous”.

Josh Matthews is in the back with John Cena, who says that even though they tried to kill him, they say that this is nothing personal. Apparently he wears loyalty on his sleeve, which makes me think he doesn’t know what that word means. Vince then shows up in his ref shirt and says that no one has any excuses after tonight. Except of course for whatever shenanigans occur tonight.

Commercial.

We’re back with The Great Khali and Eve Torres. If they had children, its head would be a foot. Their opponents are Alicia Fox and Primo. Poor Primo. Sure, he sucks a bag of dicks, but even he doesn’t deserve this. Oh, who am I kidding? Yes he does.

Primo and Khali start off before he tags in Alicia. Alicia and Eve roll around for a few moments but Fox is tangled up in a thicket of weave. Alicia ultimately takes over and turns this into one of those prison movies, with Eve as the new gal. Since this is TV-PG, this isn’t taking place in a shower.

Fox connects with a knee to Eve’s face as Cole and Lawler keep talking about teeth. At this point Cole isn’t just worse than JR, he’s worse than Gordon Solie…in his current condition. Eve hits the moonsault off of the top rope but Primo breaks it up. Primo then grabs Eve and she slaps him in the face before tagging in Khali. How many gallons of baby oil is he covered with? If you stare directly at his chest, you’ll be blinded. Khali hits the Punjabi Plunge before getting the pin. He and Eve then dance and she leaps into his arms, but slides out due to all of that oil. It’s gross.

Randy Orton is walking in the back very gingerly as he tries not to injure his shoulder.

Commercial.

Randy Orton’s out with his deliberate walking pace, but to be fair he must be getting distracted by all the voices in his head. Orton says that if the NXTers want to interfere in his match, that’s fine because he will punt each and every one of them in the skull. Again with the skull punting? Randy singles out Wade Barrett and accepts his apology. He hopes he becomes champion so that he can blow him up with pyro or assault his wife.

This gets interrupted by The Miz, who is rocking his shirt, tie and vest combo. Miz can’t believe Randy is going to get another title shot. Miz has voices in his head, and they say that he can’t believe Orton keeps getting title shots. He says that Orton has never held both the US and WWE Title at the same time. Miz says that he deserves the next title shot, so I guess he’ll be in MITB also. Miz says that there’s an industry secret as to why he’s going to win, because he’s The Miz and he’s…attacking Randy Orton. Orton comes back with the scoop slam before humping the mat. He goes for the RKO but Miz escapes the horribly telegraphed move when out of nowhere Edge pops up with the Spear. Hey, looks likes someone shaved his beard. Edge says that now the real fun begins. Uh huh. Cole again calls him a master psychologist, despite the fact that Edge has no doctorate. Michael Cole is perpetuating malpractice and I won’t stand for it.

Commercial.

So apparently I have to choose between Edward and Jacob according to Burger King. Fine, I’ll choose Five Guys.

We’re back and Mr. McMahon is positively giddy about being the Special Guest Referee.

Hey, here comes John Cena…again. He runs out, he stops to listen to the crowd, he salutes and he runs again. Fresh. Sheamus is out next and he’s sporting his WWE Title as he yells at no one in particular. Justin Roberts does a full Championship introduction, so that should eat up a few minutes.

Sheamus starts off hammering away on Cena with the kind of aggression that only comes from surviving a potato famine. As Sheamus pounds away, a Cena sucks chant creeps up. Get over it, folks. Sheamus launches Cena out of the ring and right into a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Sheamus is still punching Cena. Cena fires back with some punches of his own as Mr. McMahon watches from the outside. See, he’s the special enforcer, because nothing is more intimidating than a 60-year-old man with bad knees and fidelity issues.

A lot of bland, pale offense occurs over the next few minutes as Lawler tries some hacky Superman references. “Sheamus, King, he’s a man…” Thanks Cole. The crowd becomes so bored that they start a dueling “Let’s go Cena/Cena sucks” chant.

Cena starts his hope spot, but Sheamus clotheslines him down and both men are laid out. Cena goes for an FU but Sheamus reverses it and drops Cena for two. Cena fires back with the Five Moves of Mediocrity before going for the FU. Sheamus pokes him in the eye and hits a backbreaker. Apparently it’s called the Irish Curse because it makes your blood alcohol level spike.

Cena goes for the STFU but Sheamus tries to crawl to the rope and succeeds. On the outside, Sheamus launches Cena into the steps, which Cole calls the death blow. “Come on Jerry! We’re missing the death blow!” Sheamus rolls him into the ring for two and Sheamus’s reaction face will haunt me in my dreams. Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me. Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me.

Sheamus then sets up the ring steps on the outside before dragging Cena towards them. He launches Cena into the steps. Sheamus drags Cena’s body back into the ring and pounds his chest as he goes for the bicycle kick. The NXT Rookies then come running out from the back but Sheamus escapes. The rookies then trash the announce chairs before Darren Young throws Cena over the announce table. Skip Sheffield then dumps the announce table onto John. So does this mean they lied about all of their apologies? Because if so, I’m offended.

Vince comes into the ring with a microphone and tells the rookies to knock it off. McMahon asks if Cena’s still breathing before inviting the Nexus into the ring. Vince says that he can’t take full responsibility but he can take partial responsibility for everything they’ve done. He demands a round of applause for his actions. Vince says that next week the GM will reveal something, but then pauses when he sees the rookies staring at him and giving him a “look”. A come hither stare. He then laughs it off as a “Daniel Bryan” chant starts. The rookies then surround Vince and beat the hell out of him. Skip Sheffield connects with a crazy looking clothesline and someone really needs to remind Vince how much he’s worth. Wade delivers his finisher that looks to have killed McMahon. Justin Gabriel caps it off with his one move, the 450 Splash. The Nexus then leaves as the crowd actually kinda chants for NXT. Well that was a nice surprise.

We close on Vince lying in the center of the ring apparently taking a nap.

This has been for your consideration.

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