For Your Consideration…RAW is Zombieland

For Your Consideration…RAW is Zombieland

Welcome to For Your Consideration. This week’s RAW promises to be a lively episode, especially when you consider the fact that the company hasn’t really explained how MITB is going to work. And the fact that the President of the WWE was accosted. And the fact that the host tonight is Rob Zombie. On top of that, there’s a very good chance that Primo Colon could be wrestling LIVE! I mean, what more could you ask for without feeling greedy?

Yeah, so tonight’s RAW isn’t going to be revolutionary. Last week, The Nexus kids went and did the biggest single thing that they could possibly do to get heat by jumping Vince McMahon. I’ll admit that there was a moment that I was worried they were going to have him be the mastermind, but thankfully I was wrong (a phrase I’m just not that used to seeing). The problem is, where the hell can they go from here?

I had major gripes with Randy Orton’s actions last year as he built towards his main event Wrestlemania match with Triple H. Orton became hell-bent on destroying Hunter’s family, which was a pretty decent story idea. Randy first took out Shane, and then Vince. Finally, Randy took out Stephanie. Not only that, but he kissed her. He took the angle to a level that instantly signaled to the fans that Hunter had no choice but to try and kill Orton. It was brilliant, except it turned the Orton character into an irredeemable villain. Then, as if this wasn’t enough, he tried to kill John Cena with pyro. In the course of one year, the man committed sexual battery and attempted murder, and now he’s a face. I mean, there’s straining reality and then there’s that. Once he committed all of those atrocities to the two biggest stars in the company, he had no choice but to turn face. I mean, what else could he do to a hero at that point?

Team NXT has destroyed the RAW set, cost John Cena the title, cost Bret Hart his job and took out the figurehead of the WWE. Short of laying out a Diva or voting against Linda McMahon, what more heinous action can they do outside of the ring? They have literally done everything short of pouring sugar into the WWE’s gas tank while simultaneously anally raping the WWE’s mother (thanks “Clerks” for that visual). As Chris Jericho astutely pointed out (about two weeks after I did, not that I’m comparing myself to Jericho in his soothsayer capacity), the NXT guys have to get in the ring. The only problem is that their best wrestler is currently wrestling Eddie Kingston in a gymnasium in front of a few hundred people.

The closest I can compare this to is when the Radicalz (back in the Attitude Era where Z’s made you a badazz) debuted but then Eddie Guerrero hurt himself. See, the company knew that they were getting four stars in a package deal, but everyone and their mother was aware that the WWE really only cared about Benoit and Guerrero (on a quick side not, yes I am aware that the three year anniversary just passed since the unspeakable tragedy, and no, I am not going to address it because I think my column after the incident was the first and last that I really ever want to talk about it). When Eddie went down with a broken arm, the company quickly shifted focus so that Benoit wouldn’t get pulled down with the “too small” Stinko Malenko and the indescribable Perry “I see you” Saturn. My fear here is that the WWE is going to realize that Wade Barrett is worth his weight in gold, while the other NXTers have yet to really show that they are top tier talent, and start to have him pull away. After all, is there anyone in their right mind that honestly believes that a guy like Darren Young is going to be able to convincingly beat any Superstar on the roster without it looking like the n.W.o. b-team beating everyone in the locker-room?

Oh well, I guess we’ll find out tonight. Don’t forget, Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, Facebook or comment below.

The Judicial Review…Monday Night RAW 6/28/10

The Show opens with a recap of last week’s heinous assault on Vince McMahon. What’s odd is that he’s the head of the company and he probably could have stopped his production people from making a recap of him getting his ass kicked.

No pyro, no ballyhoo as we open immediately on Jerry “Ed Hardy” Lawler and Michael “Serious Tone” Cole. Apparently Wade Barrett is in Connecticut to talk to the Board of Directors.

Sheamus comes out. “Ouf wuched da footage of da severe beatin of that chairmun las week suvral times and ah hafta say ahm discusted. Ahm discusted wit wut happened las week. Ah felt it was mah responsibilah to make a statement on behaf ah da company…da champ iz hear. Now even do tose nexus lads interfered, everyone knows ah wulda beat John Cena on mah own and proved ahm a wurty dubaya dubaya eee chumpin. John Cena is no longa ta numba one contendah. And roy? Cuz he used his remach clause? No longer wila hafta look uh da tacky orange t-shirts and those nuvr hafta hear dose nuvr give up slogans.”

Cena comes out in his UF Orange and Blue out to ask Sheamus for help. Everyone saw how Sheamus won the title and how last week he kept the title thanks to the NXTers. John officially brands them the Nexus. He says that they almost ended his career and that next up they’re going after Sheamus. John says that if Sheamus wants to keep his career, stop working out with Triple H and help Cena. For one night only, they should fight side-by-side, and Cena wants an old fashioned brawl.

The IM of Death goes off and Cole reads a RAW GM e-mail from a specially designed lectern. Next week, the GM is going to take action against Nexus. If any Nexus guy makes contact with a WWE Superstar, they will be Danielsoned. If any WWE Superstar initiates contact, they will be suspended. So it’s sort of an assumption of risk thing.

John thanks the anonymous GM before making a “House Party 2” reference and saying that RAW should start with a Championship match. By the way, my Ted Dason reference last week was from an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Another e-mail arrives and Michael “Casual Male” Cole states that WWE Champion Sheamus will be in action tonight against Mark Hey-Hey Henry. Cena says that his life is being ruined by the Internet and demands that the GM e-mails him personally at candypants564@gmail.org. See, it’s funny because he’s a man and that is a feminine address.

Cole says that the next PPV is MITB and the winner of the match will face his brand’s champion anywhere. The eight RAW competitors will be revealed tonight. Sheamus says he’s outta here. Suddenly, the magical cage (complete with theme music) begins to lower. The GM says that since last week’s title match ended inconclusively, Sheamus will face John Cena in…dramatic pause…a cage match. That will make sure there’s no outside interference, because as we all know, no one can climb into the cage. That’s crazy talk. John rips off his shirt and celebrates inside the cage as Sheamus breathes heavily.

Commercial.

We’re back with those wacky Canadians, the Hart Dynasty. Snukette and Greek Liquor run out of nowhere and jump the Harts. Well that might lead to a lawsuit. I mean, another lawsuit (though unlike Martha’s, this one has merit. Without getting too technical, Martha’s claim should be barred by a theory called laches that prevents people from waiting to bring about legal action past the point in time when they should have brought suit. The WWE, through WWE 24/7, was showing Owen Hart and making a profit off of him for years. If Martha truly objected, she would have sued then. The fact that she is bringing this suit as Linda is running for office makes everything seem WAY too convenient. Oh, and on top of that, the WWE owns all of the Owen footage, and the odds of them contractually agreeing to never show him again on top of paying $16,000,000 is fairly excessive.) Snukette throws Natalya into the ring and connects with the Superfly Splash.

In the back, it’s Mini-Orton with Resurrection-Truth. Josh asks Truth what the WWE should do to Nexus. Trth calls them animals and he says not to fire them because he’s the zookeeper at the WWE zoo. Well that metaphor was…odd.

Commercial.

We’re back and we get to relive the dance contest from three weeks ago that I’ve tried so hard to forget. Meanwhile, live in the ring, Vladamir Kozlov is in the ring and apparently if he stops bouncing, he’ll explode. His opponent is Santino Marella. What I would give for a Nexus Beatdown right around now. Apparently the stipulation is that if Vlad loses, he has to be Santino’s partner. But not in a gay way.

Santino dodges some punches before trying to poke Vlad in the eye. Vlad then locks in an armbar that Marella breaks out of. Vlad then unleashes some headbutts before getting a belly-to-belly for two. Vlad then beats on Santino for a while before connecting with his slam for the pin. Vlad then tries to help Santino up but he collapses. He repeats the gag again before leaving the ring with a wacky looking smile. William Regal shows up to shake his hand before running into the ring to attack Marella. Vlad runs back in and kicks Regal out of the ring. The disgusted look on Regal’s face probably has less to do with being thwarted and more to do with being involved with this angle. In the end, Vlad carries Santino to the back like a modern day Kevin Costner.

Matthews is in the back with The Great Khali. Khali is asked about his thoughts on Nexus, and he feels the worst punishment would be to have to work a match with him. I’m kidding. Actually, Runjn Singh kinda turns heels as he says that Khali is an idiot and a coward. Well that’s character development I guess…

Commercial.

Tomorrow night is the first NXT poll, but tonight we’ve got stock footage of the Liberty Bell! Oh, and here comes Rob Zombie, because nothing is more PG than Rob Zombie. Rob shakes hands with the fans, who I hope have Purell. Here’s a crazy thought, Rob is marking the one year anniversary of the Celebrity Guest Hosts. Jesus.

Rob welcomes us to RAW and he loves sick and twisted things like a Money in the Bank ladder match. He likes it, so he’s going to tell us who is in the match: Randy Orton, The Miz, R-Truth, Chris Jericho, Evan Bourne, Ted DiBiase, John Morrison and Edge. Edge then appears on the screen and says he hasn’t spoken to him since he called to say that he was dumping his entrance music. Rob calls Edge an old man before saying that he took his song back from Edge because Edge was destroying it. Edge says that he won the first ever Money in the Bank ladder match and beat Cena for the title. He then takes us back to Wrestlemania 21m but sadly doesn’t use the “Wayne’s World” fingers. Wow, I forgot that Edge was rocking gold pants in that match. We then flash to New Year’s Revolution (complete with Jonathan Coachman commentary) and we see Edge with Lita cashing in his briefcase. To add to the nostalgia, we even get some sound bytes from Joey Styles. Edge says that he had so much fun doing it that he did it years later to The Undertaker. When he speared Orton and said the fun was beginning, he was talking about MITB. He’s going to show everyone how twisted he is, and that’s saying something from someone who had sex with Lita. Ye gads man, I hoped you wrapped it up.

The GM e-mails again and Cole goes to the lectern. The GM says that tonight’s main event will feature all eight participants. Edge, The Miz, Ted DiBiase and Chris Jericho will face Randy Orton, Evan Bourne, John Morrison and R-Truth. Wait, those are divided along face/heel lines. Do you think that was intentional?

In the back, Mark Hey-Hey Henry is heading towards a…

Commercial.

We’re back and the WWE Champion is already in the ring…without a full entrance. Mark Henry gets a full entrance but not the Champion of the company. And yes, I know he got one earlier in the night, but Cena used to get like three a night.

Mark Hey-Hey Henry comes out with Lucky Cannon (my pick to be the first guy cut) and Henry dismisses his rookie. The camera guys then have some fun as they cut to a couple of white kids rocking back and forth to Henry’s theme.

Sheamus hammers away on Henry but Mark fires back before eating a DDT (yet he still looks hungry). Sheamus hammers him down again for two. Sheamus locks in a resthold before continuing to hammer away on Henry. Mark fires back with a clothesline and Sheamus does the old “bounce off the big guy” before Henry hits the Kool Aid Splash for two. Cole reminds us that this match was booked by the GM, which should get that guy some true heat. Oh, and Sheamus kicked Henry in the head and beat him.

Josh is in the back with the Nexus kids. Tarver says that if any WWE star touches them, they’ll be suspended. Skip Sheffield then beats up a production guy. The Nexus guys start giggling as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back with the Ricky Steamboat DVD commercial. Yeah, that comes out tomorrow and I’ll be first in line.

Jerry Lawler welcomes out Ricky Steamboat. Cole says that the DVD is a must see, so in spite of that, you should get it. Lawler says that there are some guys in the back who want to honor his career. Arn Anderson, Dean Malenko, Michael Hayes and Mike Rotundo all come out to honor Steamboat. It’s an all agent party here on RAW. So since these guys aren’t WWE Superstars, I guess they’ll get beaten down by Nexus.

Dean says that it’s an honor to share this moment with Steamboat. Rotundo says that he never wrestled Steamboat, but when all the money comes in he better pay the taxes on it. P.S. says that everyone respects him and that they didn’t wrestle a lot and he only came out to get camera time before doing some classic Freebird dancing. Arn says that he wrestled Steamboat a hundred times and never won, but every time they wrestled, something magical happened. Ricky thanks everyone for coming out and thanks the WWE Universe before the Nexus comes out. Hey, I was right! That makes up for me being wrong before.

The old timers take off their jackets as the baby oil brigade slowly walks down to the ring. You know, it was better when they didn’t have entrance music. The Nexus guys try to get into the ring but are held at bay by men in slacks. Eventually, they pull Arn out of the ring and beat on him. Dean goes next and is slammed into the barricade. Tarver runs in and jumps Rotundo. Eventually, all six Nexus guys climb into the ring to take out the three remaining legends. Finally, they leave all but Steamboat on the outside. Skip Sheffield begs Steamboat to strike him, so he fights back but gets taken out pretty quickly. I just want to point out that Ricky is no longer wearing his tie. Otunga delivers his slim as I hope that he doesn’t break Ricky’s neck with his sloppiness. Skip then delivers a clothesline. To end the beatdown, Justin Gabriel hits the 450 Splash. Sure, this went on a little long, but it was probably one of the last “shocking” moves they had left. Like I said earlier, they couldn’t attack any more wrestlers, so that pretty much left Divas. Or, apparently, Legends.

Commercial.

We’re back and we get to relive what just happened one paragraph ago. Cole calls what happened a natural disaster, but there’s still no sign of Earthquake or Typhoon. Ricky takes a stretcher ride as everyone else is helped to the back. Cole goes on to explain why no one from the locker room did anything.

Commercial.

We’re back and here comes Alicia Fox and Maryse. Their opponents are Gail Kim and Eve. It’s at this point that my DVR goes out. From what I read, Alicia Fox won but her and Maryse are bitchy towards one another. So sorry I missed it. I’m sure it was a classic.

Commercial.

We’re back (and my DVR is now working again) and we once again watch the Nexus guys beating the hell out of a lot of AARP members.

It’s now time for the Eight Man Mega Match (their name, not mine). Edge is out first, sans Rob Zombie music. Edge climbs the ladder that for some reason is sitting in the middle of the ring. Out next is his Wrestlemania opponent, Chris Jericho. Miz is third and he’s never been in a MITB match. Their final partner is Ted DiBiase, accompanied by Maryse. Well I’m glad he’s in it since he earned that shot by…uh…what the fuck has he done since he came back? Oh yeah, Maryse.

Team Face’s first member is R-Truth. John Morrison comes out next, and yes, he is really on the RAW roster. Bourne comes out and John Morrison pulls out his own prop ladder. Orton is out last, and apparently as a viper, he can’t wear any tape on his wrists.

Commercial.

We’re back for the mega main event and it’s Teddy and Morrison starting it out. Morrison slaps Teddy a few times and tags in Truth. Bourne, off the apron, does a crazy little dance before connecting with a kick. In the ring, Bourne executes some unorthodox moves before Teddy tags in Miz. Miz gets some Token Offense thrown at him. Miz tags in Jericho, who takes out Bourne. Jericho then tags in Bourne, who plays Ricky Morton for a while. He finally tags in Morrison, and we get to see John pull out a move or two before leaping over the top rope with a corkscrew plancha. He gets jumped by Edge as we go to…

Commercial.

We’re back (yes, again) and this match is pretty much a giant exercise in making it look like a lot is happening without hurting anyone. There’s nothing wrong with that, but when you have Cena sitting out the show and most of your roster in the main event, you’re really limiting what can be done on Raw. With the exception of the Legends beatdown, not a lot has happened tonight.

Morrison and Edge are both down going for the hot tags and it winds up being Bourne and Jericho. Bourne goes for AirBourne but winds up getting hit with a CodeBreaker and it’s yet another hot tag. Orton and DiBiase are in and Randy hits the RKO out of nowhere for the pin. Edge then jumps Orton from behind before grabbing the ladder. He bludgeons Truth with the ladder but Morrison and Bourne use it against him. Jericho comes in and gets knocked out. Evan gets launched by Morrison over the top rope onto Jericho, but John gets jumped by Miz. Miz now sets up the ladder to do the tired symbolic climb shtick. As he climbs, Orton shows up to knock him out of the ring. Randy finally climbs the ladder and looks at the Lego red briefcase and takes it down. He holds up the case as a meaningless gesture, which was a pretty good metaphor for tonight’s RAW.

This has been for your consideration.