Greetings & Salutations from your new (new!) TNA Impact Recapper.
First off, let me apologize for the tardy post, but thanks to a series of misadventures up to and including a missing laptop, a busy weekend, and–I sh*t thee not–Phil Collins, I’ve been unusually busy. Still, I labored away, typing 1,000 character blocks in my trusty cell phone to recap what proved to be an entertaining episode of Impact.
But first…
Let me tell you what I love about wrestling: At some point, your favorite guy is gonna have his moment in the sun. From the lowliest curtain jerker to the highest main eventer, odds are good that each man or woman competing for a wrestling company will get a chance to show off what they can do. “Real” sports? Not so much.
I say that because I have the misfortune of being a die-hard New York Knicks fan, and I spent the majority of Thursday trying not to hurl at the thought of the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls clearing more salary cap space for the big free agent class available to seek out new teams starting on July 1st. The Knicks had the advantage for a bit with a buttload of money available, then the Heat & Bulls did some fiscal maneuvers and have even more.
If you’re a b-ball fan from the ’90s, you know why this might irk a Knicks fan.
In any event, it looks like the Dismal Decade of Dolan (James Dolan, owner of Cablevision as well as the Knicks & Rangers) shall continue. Thus, I turn to my 2nd-ever sports love (after University of Florida Gators Football): Pro Wrestling.
And now, without further ado, here is the Suspension of Disbelief TNA Impact recap for Thursday, June 24th, 2010.
We open up with a recap of the conclusion to last week’s Impact, with Abyss chokeslamming Jeff Hardy off the stage, slamming Mr. Anderson into glass, and having a confrontation with Hulk Hogan. The episode is titled “Monster on the Loose” and I immediately wonder if Sean, Patrick, Fat Kid & Rudy are available.
Ahh, the melodic sounds of a retooled nWo entrance music. Hulk Hogan is in the Impact Zone! The Hulkster says TNA is kicking with horsepower and then says that since the #1 contender’s match ended in a count-out, the main event for Victory Road will now be a 4way match for Rob Van Dam’s TNA World Championship. Mr. Dam will be taking on Abyss, Mr. Anderson & Jeff Hardy.
Abyss’ music plays and The Monster makes his way down to the ring. I half expect Freddie Prinze Jr. & Jennifer Love Hewitt to show up because it looks like Abyss has modeled his outfit tonite after the killer who knew what they did 13 summers ago. Hulk asks Abyss why he freaked out last week. Abyss says he doesn’t think anyone realizes what’s going on (not gonna do it… not gonna do it…), and that he assaulted Hardy & Anderson because “They” told him to destroy anything in his path. He says “They’re” coming soon, that no one can do anything to stop it. Abyss goes on to say that “They” said he no longer needs Hulk Hogan. Hogan asks who “They” are. Abyss says that he knows, and the rest of us will find out soon enough. He reiterates that he doesn’t need Hulk Hogan, that we’re all sheep, and to tell Dixie Carter and Eric Bischoff that “They’re” going to take over TNA. I know speculation is rampant at this point, but I think that, given the evidence, the “They” Abyss speaks of is none other than the Archies. You heard me.
At this point, Abyss decides that it’s chokin’ time, and he puts his hands on The Hulkster. Fully bent on asphyxiating Hogan, Abyss removes the Hall of Fame ring and tries shoving it down Hulk’s throat. Abyss then goes for his patented Bag O’ Glass (now with more Glass!). Before he can toss Hulk into the glass, R.V.D. saves Hogan, only to get chokeslammed for his trouble. Mr. Anderson runs down to make the save with a steel chair. The chair has no effect on Abyss, but it proves to be enough of a distraction for Mr. Anderson to get everybody out of harm’s way.
We are then treated to our first commercial break of the evening, which I use to ask my dog, F.R.E.D., if he wants to go outside. F.R.E.D. then spins around in a circle a few times, which we all know is the international sign for, “Yes, I would like to go outside.” Try that next time you’re in a foreign country that doesn’t speak American, like Canada or England.
We’re back from commercial and we are treated to a recap to what we just saw, this time with CGI sombreros superimposed. El Monstro Abyss es muy enojado! Next we’re whisked backstage where Hogan is conversing with Eric Bischoff. Hulk says that he gave everything he could to Abyss. Bischoff wonders who got to him. Hogan says he doesn’t get it. Bischoff said he never thought Abyss would turn on Hogan. Hulk wonders aloud if Flair could be behind it. E-Bisch says he doesn’t think so. Gotta admit, the backstage “casual chat caught on a hidden camera” bit is absolutely superb. I enjoy it quite a bit, and think it’s a great “reality” accent to help further angles.
We then cut to The Beautiful People, who say Angelina Love is used to being on her back. Madison Rayne says Velvet Sky needs to get her head into the game.
We have our first match of the day, Angelina Love vs Velvet Sky. They show clips of the Leather’n’Lace match gone wrong from 2 months ago. Angelina Love is in charge on the outside for a minute before Velvet regains control and tosses Angelina Love into the stairs in a surprisingly violent-looking move. Mid-Match, Tenay announces that our main even tonite will be Abyss vs Anderson, proving that alliteration is alive and well in Total NonStop Action. Back in the ring, Sky tries to get the pin but to no avail. Angelina Love kicks up her comeback, grabs a chair, kicks Velvet Sky in the face. Sky recovers, sends Love face-first into the canvas. Sky goes for a DDT, which Love reverses into the chair. Velvet Sky wins via disqualification. Angelina Love then taunts Madison Rayne, the TNA Knockouts champion who in no way looks like Rahzar from “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.”
We then go backstage to TNA’s secret camera, this time focusing on Jay Lethal, who is getting a visit from his brother. Not sure if they’re twins, but they definitely share a resemblance. Please note that I didn’t say “They all just look alike.” They talk about how big Lethal’s match against Ric Flair at Victory Road is. Lots of humility on the part of Lethal, talks about what a great opportunity it is, how happy his parents are. This angle is very well done, very respectful all around. Lethal then tells his brother that there’s free food in catering, and off goes the brother. And by brother, I mean sibling of Jay Lethal.
We are then treated to our second commercial break of the evening, which I use to attempt to do 25 squat thrusts. I fall short by about 25 or so.
Impact returns, with Kevin Nash & Eric Young walking down a hallway. They discuss Scott Hall & Sean Waltman, with Nash saying that Young should distance himself from Hall, that while Kevin has 15 years with the guy, he shouldn’t get involved. A man-hug ensues.
Back in the Impact Zone, Matt Morgan walks out and we get a recap of last week’s low blow on Hernandez during his match with Samoa Joe. Morgan says he told everyone so, that he was going to walk out of Slammiversary victorious and he did. Morgan then calls out Hernandez by telling him to “…put down the burrito” and get down there. I’m choosing to believe that wasn’t racist, as I’m puerto-rican & cuban and I fucking love burritos. Anyhoo, Taz tells us that Hernandez is in Mexico drinking tequila and terrorizing the small village of Santo Poco, but Morgan says that Hernandez sweats him. Morgan then announces that at Victory Road he will take on Hernandez in a cage. Just then, Homicide runs in and attacks Matt Morgan. Double M turns the tables on Homicide and in a disturbing bit of ass kickery, kicks Homicide’s head into the ringpost. Morgan says Hernandez will receive the same, as in a cage, there’s nowhere to hide.
We are then treated to our third commercial break of the evening, which I use to alphabetize my sock drawer. I got up to “S”, for “Socks.” (that’s a Mitch Hedberg homage, kids)
The show is back, and A.J. Styles is backstage with Ric Flair, and apparently a mysterious package has arrived. We can only hope it’s a giant wooden crate with “ACME” stamped on it. *crosses fingers*
We jump right into the introductions for match number 2, and it’s Kazarian vs Jay Lethal. I like everything about Jay Lethal, and I’m getting very attached to him. Not “Wheeler” attached, but if they were both drag-racing for my affection, I’d be torn as to who I’d want to win. Crowd chants “Let’s Go Lethal!” and we’re underway. Quick armdrag by Lethal, then Kazarian gets a solid punch in and says “That’s for Ric!” Huge slam by Kazarian onto Lethal, followed up by a sick springboard legdrop. We cut backstage to see that Ric Flair & A.J. Styles are beating up Jay Lethal’s brother. The mark in me is all riled up, as that isn’t cool at all–the beating, not the markingness. Meanwhile, back at ringside, Lethal is unaware of his brother’s peril. Lethal is on the offensive with some chops, a clothesline, and a neat handspring back elbow. It’s not enough, as Kazarian takes over and attempts a pin which only gets a 2 count. Both men up, and Jay Lethal hits the Lethal Injection out of nowhere for the pin. Lethal rejoices, and Ice Cube sends a C&D letter to Dixie Carter.
Flair shows up on the Impact-O-Screen and continues beating up Lethal’s brother. Lethal takes a beat to process and then runs to the back to rescue his sibling. That was friggin’ intense. Great segment, and here’s to hoping they don’t do something goofy like having Brother Lethal turn on Jay. That would make me sad, and now that I’ve said it… *sigh*
We are then treated to our fourth commercial break of the evening, which is a Sobe commercial featuring Ashley Greene in body paint. This is awesome, as cute girl-next-door brunettes are my kryptonite. Hang on a second, I have to pour a bucket of ice water over my head.
We’re back from commercial and I’ve got water all over the keyboard. Jeff Jarrett is backstage prepping for his match with Sting. We cut back to the announcers, who plug tonite’s main event of Abyss vs Mr. Anderson…Anderson…Anderson…Anderson…Anderson… Okay, I’ll stop.
Match #3 is upon us, “The Icon” Sting vs Jeff Jarret! Jeff Jarrett comes down to the ring. Sting’s music plays but he doesn’t come out. Cameras catch Sting up in the rafters and Jarrett is headed to Sting’s sanctuary to confront him. Sting meets Jarrett halfway and they brawl on the stairs. Sting and Jarrett make their way to the ring when the ruse is revealed! Jarrett has been fighting a fake Sting the entire time! The Real Sting is in the ring and uses his bat to choke out Jeff Jarrett. With all of the fake Stings throughout the years, I keep waiting for them to use special holograms and watermarks to distinguish the genuine Sting from all the fraudulent ones. Referring to the speech Jarrett gave last week about siding with Hogan, Bischoff, and the TNA Fans, Sting says that if Jarrett is going to walk with them, he’s going to go down with them. Pause.
A plug for Bound For Glory 10 is shown, and I’m pretty sure I already saw that flick on an Adult Entertainment Website.
We are then treated to our fifth commercial break of the evening, which turned out to be a three and a half minute clip of Sarah Palin doing fancy pageant walkin’. Well, that and a plug for TNA merchandise. Gotta love the Knock Outs overall Porn-Starriness. I never thought I’d miss silicon enhanced blondes, but I think I did. Also? I think the TNA t-shirts are better looking than their competition’s shirts. In my opinion, WWE t-shirts nowadays aren’t stuff you can wear to someplace cool and actually LOOK cool. The TNA shirts are more subtle, with better graphics.
The show returns with a recap of the Desmond Wolfe-Kurt Angle feud. This leads to the announcers explaining Kurt Angle’s quest to make his way through the Top 10 Contender List, and then the current match: Kurt Angle vs Desmond Wolfe. Wolfe makes his way out with Chelsea. Angle is out next and I’m sorry, but Kurt looks Kreepy. I think it might be an illness or something, but it’s a little off-putting. As the match is underway, Mike Tenay asks Taz what the hell is going on. Way to break the fourth wall, Tenay. Reversal of holds to start, along with several shots of Chelsea, who is hot in a “The Hills” kinda way. I’m snapped out of my oogling when Wolfe hits angle with an Aziatic Thrust. Aziatic Thrust? Drink! Wolfe keeps yelling at Chelsea in between working over Angle’s arm. Angle regains control of the match and nails an awesome belly to belly overhead suplex. Angle then hits 3 belly to back suplexes. Angle goes for the Olympic, er, Angle Slam. Wolfe reverses and nails Angle with a sick hammerlock-DDT. The crowd, sensing their country’s hero is in need of a boost, begins chanting “Federated States of Micronesia!” No, wait, check that. They were chanting “U.S.A.!” Sorry, those two sound so similar. Wolfe sets Angle up for the Tower of London, but angle reverses into an Anglympic Slam, which is followed up by the ankle lock, to which Wolfe taps out. Good match, lots of cool holds, arm attacks, and Chelsea looking hot.
We go to the “reality-cam” backstage with Mr. Anderson talking about injuries at the hands of Abyss. Anderson says he’s ready to throw in the face of Abyss anything Abyss might throw at him…off in whose camper they were wacking. Anderson does look like heck.
We are then treated to our 6th commercial break of the evening, which included an advertisement for Sony’s 3-D television. Look, I’m all for 3-D movies, and 3-D books, but I don’t want to watch television with goofy glasses on. I say we bring back Smell-O-Vision and be done with it.
Impact hath resumed, and we get a Doug Williams video package and highlights of his battles against Kazarian in the X-Division. We come back from the video package to find Williams in the ring, talking about how Brian Kendrick jumped him last week and put him in a submission hold. Williams goes on to say that Kendrick needs to be taught a lesson in professionalism. Williams calls out Kendrick, who saunters down to the ring and says that at Victory Road, the X-Division title will be up for grabs in an Ultimate X match, and that, as an added stipulation, victory can also be attained via submission. I think other sports need stipulations. Like, if the Lakers lost to the Celtics, Ray Allan could’ve gotten to spend a week with Kobe Bryant’s wife, or if the Celts lost, Boston had to leave town and become the Sheboygan, Wisconsin Celtics. Anyway, Williams agrees and says they should just turn and walk away, saving any physicality for Victory Road. Kendrick agrees and, in a shocking turn of events, is then assaulted by that lying liar Williams. Kendrick turns the tables and locks Williams in a submission hold. Williams taps, and two Aesthetically Challenged girls in the audience laugh.
We head backstage to find Abyss lurking in the shadows. Abyss says that soon everybody will realize that what he did he did because “They” told him to do everything he did, and that it’ll continue tonite with Mr. Anderson. Abyss says he’s paving the way for “Them” (of “They” fame), and that TNA will never be the same. He says there will be no stopping him from doing what “They/Them” want him to do. Okay, that’s it. I’m convinced that Abyss and Angelina Love are going to turn into dogs and “They” is Zuul.
We are then treated to our 7th commercial break of the evening. I used this opportunity to sing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” I got to 83 bottles before F.R.E.D. threatened to call the A.S.P.C.A. on me.
Impact commences, and Brother Ray is beating up Jesse Neal backstage. Apparently, Brother Ray wanted his girl and Mr. Neal took umbrage, stating “Go somewhere else to find a woman like that.” The brawl gets broken up, and Brother Devon asks what Ray’s problem is. He says he told Ray to leave the Ink Inc. boys alone and that, on his father’s grave, Brother Ray better not test him.
We go to ringside where match #5 is about to get underway. Beer Money is taking on Ink Inc. in the finals of the Tag Team Title series, and the Motor City Machine Guns are on commentary. Neal isn’t down at ringside because of the brawl, so Moore goes at it alone, cleaning house. During the action, Raven, Tommy Dreamer, and Stevie Richards make their way to the crowd and take seats. They immediately order hot dogs and beer, and Raven gets cotton candy because school just finished and he got straight A’s. Beer Money has Moore on the outside, tosses him into the guardrail and then into the steps. Moore gets tossed into the ring and Neal makes his way down to ringside. Shannon Moore takes more abuse but manages to get the hot tag to Jesse Neal. Hot Tag fun only lasts for a moment because suddenly all four men are in the ring until Moore gets tossed outside. Shades of last week, beer gets spat into the face of Jesse Neal, who gets DWI’d and pinned. Victory Road’s tag team championship match will be Beer Money vs the Motor City Machine Guns. The Motor City boys were pretty amusing on commentary.
We cut back to the locker room where Kazarian and A.J. Styles are talking about what happened with Lethal. Styles, looking resplendent in his “What Are You Looking At, Dicknose?” t-shirt, opens up the package that arrived earlier. The contents of the box reveal a major award, he won this! Actually, it’s an A.J. Styles action figure. Styles brags about how he’s got an action figure. A.J. leaves, and Kazarian tells him to take the doll and go play with himself. Pardon me, I had to laugh at that. Next up is our main event, with Mr. Anderson taking on Abyss in a Fall Count Anywhere, No Disqualification match.
We are now treated to our 8th commercial break of the evening. I used this break in the action to paint my toenails a nice shade of seafoam green.
Impact is back, and we have our main event. It’s Abyss vs Mr. Anderson. Abyss makes his way down to the ring while the announcers remind us of the No DQ, Falls Count Anywhere stipulations. We also get a recap of the whoopin’ put on Jeff Hardy and Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson is out but doesn’t wait for the microphone to drop, he just starts wailing on Abyss. Mr. Anderson stomps on Abyss, but Abyss takes over and chokes Anderson on the ropes. Mike Tenay tells us that Jeff Hardy is not at the arena, as he suffered cracked ribs when he took the chokeslam off the ramp last week. Mr. Anderson battles back with a Lou Thesz press and punches, then rolls outside the ring and asks for a fan’s chair. Anderson goes to hit Abyss with the chair, but Abyss punches the chair into Mr. Anderson’s face…face. Abyss, Anderson, and the chair are in the ring. Anderson snags Abyss in a drop toe hold, and Abyss goes face-first into the chair. Anderson hits Abyss in the back with the chair but only gets a two count as a result. Anderson sets the chair up in the corner, tries to toss Abyss into it, only to have Abyss reverse the irish whip. Anderson slides under the ropes and then rolls under the ring.
Anderson crawls out from under the ring with a Kendo Stick, and then pummels Abyss with it. Anderson goes for the homerun swing, but Abyss moves out of the way and then takes over. Abyss chokes Mr. Anderson, then irish whips him into the ramp. Abyss goes to expose the concrete and chokeslam Anderson onto it but Anderson evades. Abyss puts Mr. Anderson into the ring. Abyss sends Mr. Anderson to the canvas, then places the chair on his chest. Abyss goes for a seated splash, but Mr. Anderson lifts the chair up sideways, right into Abyss’ junk. There will be no lovin’ in the Abyss household tonite! Anderson goes up to the top rope and attempts a SwanTon Bomb in honor of Jeff Hardy, but Abyss gets his knees up. Abyss throws Mr. Anderson into the chair he set up in the corner earlier in the match. Abyss then his the Shock Treatment backbreaker on Mr. Anderson and gets the pin.
Post-match, Abyss throws Anderson outside. Anderson tries to crawl away but Abyss catches him. Mr. Anderson regains control and goes to Mic Check Abyss off the ramp. Abyss blocks it and then chokeslams Mr. Anderson off the stage. Hulk Hogan comes out with a chair and slams it into Abyss’ back. Abyss is unfazed and then tosses out the security that have come to keep Abyss from Hogan. Abyss points at Hogan and yells “YOUUUU!”
Tenay wonders who can stop Abyss, and the show draws to a close. All in all, an entertaining show. Forward progress on the angles from last week, nice and linear. There is still plenty of time for the wheels to come off, but you have to start somewhere, and the last 2 editions of Impact have been very solid.
This has been Suspension of Disbelief. Thanks for tuning in.
–RTH
Rey Mundo is new to the Internet Wrestling Community, but he makes up for his newness with moxie, gumption, and, when appropriate, masculine sass. Also, “Masculine Sass” would make a great name for a cologne.
