For Your Consideration…RAW Judicial Review: Now With 100% Less Guest Hosts

For Your Consideration…RAW Judicial Review: Now With 100% Less Guest Hosts

Welcome to “For Your Consideration”, your source for the funniest and most pointed commentary about “Monday Night RAW” on the Internet. I say that knowing full well that there really aren’t any other sources, since I doubt very many of you read the magazines anymore. See, it’s called lowering expectations.

Anyway, this past week certainly had some colorful news bits. First and foremost, thoughts and prayers obviously go out to Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat, who is braving a potentially serious medical situation. After his attack at the hands of NXT, WWE.com posted this fabricated story about Steamboat needing to be checked into a hospital for busted ribs and an injured neck. Like a smarky jerk, I scoffed at the clearly worked news story, pissed that the site was using the normally straight-forward News section on their site for this nonsense. Then, after seeing the words “Steamboat” and “injury” popping up all over the Net, I decided to click on a link (on Pulse, of course) and saw that he had in fact suffered what ultimately has been diagnosed as bleeding in his brain. While the bleeding is serious, he has apparently done well in treatment and should have a full recovery.

If there’s any comedic aspect to this (and trust me, I am not making light of the situation), it’s the fact that everything that has touched the NXT angle has seemed to fall apart. First, there was their debut, that cost them Daniel Bryan due to his abuse of cravats and phlegm. Then, there was the Bret Hart limo incident that led to Hart’s life insurance policy to be called into question and Bret subsequently having to leave television. After that, they jump Vince McMahon and Wade Barrett is nearly deported due to an expired visa. And finally, they attack the Legends and Ricky Steamboat winds up in the hospital. This NXT angle is like a giant black cloud, and anyone that gets near it winds up like the baseball all-stars from Mr. Burns’ softball team.

Speaking of Mr. Barrett, he and his fellow foreigner Drew McIntyre were almost shipped back home for good following expired visas. Without getting too technical on the legal side, I will just say that this is about as colossal a fuck-up as one can have working for a major company. How in the hell did (a) they let their visas lapse without noticing despite working in the country for as long as they have (b) how did the WWE not notice that their visas were about to come to an end despite the fact that the company has to keep up-to-date records on every wrestler to book travel and (c) why the hell did the US Immigration Office grant Drew McIntyre a new work visa when he can’t seem to work well with any talent on the roster? Seriously, Immigration had a chance to correct a problem for Vince and they fucked up.

I’m kidding, of course. See, Drew isn’t terrible, it’s just an angle. He’s supposed to be dull on the microphone, uninspired in the ring and yet continue to get a push. It’s all part of this little thing we call show business. In reality, he isn’t even really Scottish. He’s from Jersey. And you all fell for it. Marks, every last one of ya.

In other news, that Superstar that quit the WWE to pursue MMA fighting won over the weekend. No, not Bobby Lashley. No, not Batista. No, not Victoria. Jeez, seems like a lot of people tend to do that, huh? Anyway, Brock Lesnar (who many of you might remember as one half of the Minnesota Stretching Crew with Shelton Benjamin in OVW and to a lesser extent WWE Champion) won his UFC return match this past weekend after beating mono (to which George Costanza quickly replied, “Nucleosis.”) Brock employed a very sound strategy not seen since Homer Simpson beat his opponents from the boxcar division, just stand there taking blows and when they get tired of punching you, waste them. Granted, Brock won with a submission and not a punch (or the F5, which would have been pretty awesome), but still he was impressive after taking that much abuse. What the hell does it take to knock this guy out (aside from a botched top-rope splash on the grandest stage of all)?

I’m torn at how happy I should be about Brock winning in what was considered one of the biggest fights of all time. Sure, it’s great that someone from our world has been successful, but at what cost? Brock has taken great pains to distance himself from his wrestling past, as his prior attempt to play football stemmed from the fact that he felt that wrestling was “beneath him”. Now, with Bobby Lashley and Batista bailing on wrestling to go to MMA, there is a shift of opinion and now it looks like wrestling is a potential stepping stone for “real fighting”.

Goldberg, The Rock, Steve Austin, Paul Heyman and Jim Ross were all in attendance at the fight, there to support their pro wrestling brother in arms. What’s ironic is that almost all of them (with the exception of JR) walked away from wrestling in order to find various levels of success doing something else. What frustrates me is that these guys would never in a billion years just show up to Wrestlemania to watch the show and give the event free publicity. Seriously, without getting paid an appearance fee (on top of the licensing deal that the WWE already pays them), none of these guys would bother showing up to a wrestling event. But to show up at a UFC event for free? Absolutely. In fact, they’re willing to go out there and do press about the event. Maybe I’m being a little pissy about this, but I know I’m not wrong. All of these men are giving off a vibe, at one level or another, that they are above wrestling but not above media attention.

Very few guys seem to embrace their wrestling lives, and those that do should be commended. I don’t like the feeling that I’m being taken advantage of by a performer, no matter who they are. Alec Guinness always made it known that he didn’t view “Star Wars” as anything of true substance, so whenever I watch him as Obi Won, I just cannot connect with his character. I get that feeling a lot when watching wrestling, knowing that there are just guys out there who could honestly care less about the business. That feeling comes across a lot in the Guest Hosts, a collection of celebrities and quasi-celebrities that are using our platform to hock their wares. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is thinking that there are performers in the ring who hate their jobs, hate their lives and are cashing the checks paid for from our hard-earned money all the while belittling us and the programs that we love. And no, I’m not naïve. I know that there’s easy money to be made in wrestling, because Vince is always willing to shell out cast to someone who is famous or a freak, but maybe we as fans should demand more from our wrestlers.

Old time wrestlers had a passion for the sport. They lived their gimmicks because they had to, and they were willing to put their neck on the lines against anyone that would dare speak out against their livelihood. Roddy Piper’s told several stories about defending wrestling’s honor (though knowing Piper, they were probably whale tales). Dr. D David Shultz slapped John Stossel in the face when he asked him if wrestling was fake. The Great Malenko would use his fake Russian accent when going to the supermarket for fear that people would discover he spoke perfect English. These men seemed to take wrestling seriously, and when given the chance, rarely recanted their decision to get in the ring. Sure, they bitch about money and they suffer from physical ailments, but they don’t regret lacing up the boots.

Now, in the 21st Century, our so-called heroes have worked harder than ever to escape the stigma of “wrestler”. Brock Lesnar, Bobby Lashley and Goldberg all seemed to use wrestling like a cheap whore, and despite knowing this, we all cheered for them. Don’t get me wrong, there are real people in this sport who love what they do, but they don’t get celebrated for it. A guy like John Cena, who has always been genuinely passionate about pro wrestling, is constantly ripped to pieces by people for being a corporate sell-out. Triple H has lived and breathed this business for over 15 years, and yet he is the evil monster that people think lives under the beds of oppressed workers. The Undertaker has put two decades into the company and has never been a crossover star in the mainstream press (that is, unless someone wanted to do a story on wrestling being hokey).

I didn’t plan on getting into this rant, but it just sorta came out. We should demand more from the Superstars that work for our money, because for every guy who does this just for a paycheck, there are ten guys with legitimate desire that would sacrifice everything for their spot.

Alright, I’m climbing off of my soapbox of morality and dipping my toe into the cesspool of self-promotion. You fine folks can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twotter.com/awheeler316, friend me on Facebook, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com, or just post your comments in the section down below. And without further ado…

The Judicial Review: Monday Night RAW 7/5/10

“The world is watching.”

We open with the NXT rookies standing in the center of the ring, including Wade “deytookhizjob” Barrett. Wade holds the microphone up to his mouth and that alone draws heat. Dang. He says that last week he got an e-mail from the RAW GM saying that he should gather the Nexus in the middle of the ring. They are all there, complete with Justin Gabriel’s lesbian-esque haircut.

Wade says he won’t reveal why they took out Vince McMahon, but this is all part of a bigger picture. It’s like a Magic Eye; when this is all said and done, you will all see the sailboat. Barrett says that Vince doesn’t control them and he had no idea what their agenda was.

Skip Sheffield takes the mic, as he and his partially-grown-in beard says that what they did to Ricky Steamboat and the Legends was for fun. Sidenote, Ricky Steamboat and the Legends sounds like a killer 60’s musical group. Skip says that the fans loved every second of it just like when fans watch car accidents. Or TNA. Skip says that the Ricky DVD sales are now up.

The annoying G-Mail noise (now with flickering lights) comes out and the Nexus’s punishment for attacking Vince McMahon is that none of them can compete for a WWE Title until further notice. Wouldn’t that require them to actually, you know, wrestle? Oh, and the ruling about WWE Stars touching the Nexus has been lifted, so have at them JBL.

The Nexus looks all concerned for a moment as John Cena’s music hits. I mean, the song is repetitive, but not enough to actually cause me concern. Cena comes out, kisses his dog tags that he earned by starring in a movie about being a solider, and, with all the intensity befitting the moment, he…cuts a promo. John says that The Nexus hasn’t been in a fair fight. This brings out Randy Orton, R-Truth, John Cena, John Morrison, Evan Bourne, Tyson Kidd and DH Smith. They then get jumped by Jericho, Edge, Sheamus, The Miz, Teddy and Greek Booze. The faces clear out the heels and Cena hits the FU on one of the Greek Boozers.

“Yah juz doan geh it, Cena. Mayde de wun wunna take um out. Funny nuff, da one dubaya dubaya eeye soup or star they attack is ewe, John Cena. Seein him take ow ew and Breh Hart, everyone on dis stage supporz it. Las week eqe axed me ta join yer fught ugunst da nexus, and we duchline. Ahn if any of ur friends huve any brains, ull decline.”

Randy says that he and Cena aren’t friends and will never be…unless they have to. Well, what’s a little attempted murder between pals? Randy then asks if Edge forgot about Nexus jumping them at Fatal Fourway. He then books a seven-on-seven match, which sounds less like a wrestling match and more like an orgy.

The G-Mail says that they shouldn’t think about fighting. “If you want action, you’ll get it.” Ah, borderline homosexual Cole lines.

Tonight, Cena will face Wade Barrett, but it won’t be a match, it’ll be a handshake. I shit you not. That isn’t a joke. Tonight, in that very ring, it’s Wade Barrett versus John Cena in a…handshake. Cena says instead of shaking his hand for a truce, he takes his hand, puts it in a fist, and knocks his teeth out.

The G-Mail says that John needs to be the bigger man. The G-Mail trusts he’ll do the right thing or he’ll be punished. And that’s the bottom line because the GM says so. Wait, wasn’t there a wrestler in the 90’s that used to say stuff like that? What the hell was his name again? I think it rhymes with singfaster.

Commercial.

We’re back and if you go to YouTube, you can watch WWE footage. You know, as opposed to before where YouTube was filled with WWE footage. Wonder what other piece of antiquated technology the WWE is going to discover next. Torrents?

John Morrison is out with his slow motion entrance is now meant to symbolize the slow decline of his career. Seriously, how did he go from the next Shawn Michaels to the next Marty Jannetty.

His opponent is Ted DiBiase, who is accompanied by the creation of some adolescent’s dream, Maryse. Apparently, she will be on commentary. Thankfully, she’s too old for Lawler so she should be safe.

John Morrison v. Teddy DiBiase

Morrison and Teddy start off with moves that don’t matter a lick because the director decided to cut to Maryse talking. Well, that’s giving the fans what they want, I guess. Meanwhile, in the ring, Teddy kicks away at Morrison for a bit before locking in a dreaded resthold. Maryse, meanwhile, gives an economics lesson to Cole and Lawler because now that she’s being…uh…stuffed with Teddy’s dollars, she is living the good life. And by dollars, I meant penis.

Morrison and Teddy go through the athletic but meaningless middle of the match theatrics as Maryse talks on the phone. Look, I want to take this thing seriously, but with the camera cutting to Maryse IN THE MIDDLE OF MOVES, I can’t keep focus. Morrison kicks Teddy in the head, so Maryse puts on his jacket. This distracts him so much that he gets a thumb to the eye and eats DreamStreet for the pin. Well at least he didn’t job clean. Besides, Maryse is pulling off the coat a little better. She looks like a sexy Yeti. Maryse then removes the jacket and tosses it onto the unconscious Morrison, because she doesn’t like fur (insert vulgar joke about her vagina here).

In the back, Vlad and Santino, the wacky mismatched tag partners, are walking. Vlad yells at Santino in Russian, even though he doesn’t speak Russian. Wacky! Santino then makes a WWII joke, because if the WWE isn’t going to learn from their mistakes, at least the fans can learn something about history.

Jerry “Mystic Tan” Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole throw us to footage of John Cena being attacked by The Nexus.

Commercial.

Last week, William Regal took one step closer to falling off the wagon as he interjected himself into the Santino/Kozlov nonsense. Out first is Brashaw and Funaki…I mean Santino Marella and Vladamir Kozlov.

William Regal is out next and he delivers the greatest insult of all time, calling them oxygen thieves. Regal says that he used his powers of persuasion to get himself a monster. That monster is Khali, who appears to be reunited with his brother Ranjin Singh. Who writes this crap? Oh, he does. Nevermmind.

Santinov v. William “Too Good For This” Regal and The Great Khali

Regal and Kozlov start off in the ring and Vlad knocks him down before headbutting William. Santino gets tagged in and he delivers a bottom rope axe handle and does some fake karate. Regal beats the crap out of him so he tags in Kozlov, who delivers his dangerous looking (because it’s sloppy, not because it’s visually cool) slam for the win.

After the match, this generation’s answer to HeadCheese (Borscht Picatta?) is confronted by Khali. Instead of attacking them, he attacks William Regal. Sure, why not? Singh commands that everyone dance, so they all break out into dancing as if this were the Bat-tussi from “Batman”.

Tonight on The Cutting Edge: Chris Jericho and Evan Bourne. Gotta love that. Also, what Nexus did to Ricky Steamboat.

Commercial.

Lawler is back on camera and he says that he’s Old School, and that back then wrestlers wouldn’t try to take advantage of someone else to get themselves over. And just like that, his nose grew so big that if you were watching this in 3D, you’d be blinded.

Ricky’s beatdown gets a video package, which once again begs the question as to why, if this were “real”, someone would be putting together recaps of assaults. I’m not a lawyer but what they did is illegal and this shouldn’t be shown. Wait, I am a lawyer. Nevermind.

Arn Anderson is in the back. Wait, what? Seriously, Arn Anderson is in the back. Arn says that it was hard to see that and Ricky’s bad. Steamboat is one of the good guys. Arn turns around and Sheamus is there smirking at him. “Cry me a rivah, will yah. Ewe gunnuh cry? Ya know, ewe, usta be da enforcah, but now yur just a patetic ole man.” Arn says he was never blind and stupid. He asks if Sheamus knows what hostile takeover means? Anderson then reminds everyone why he was one of the best by cutting a promo on Sheamus telling him that they need to get out of the way of their egos or the company is going to go up in smoke. “Listen tah me, ole man, ah doan hahv any weaknusses. Butween me ahn all dose guys, ahm da duble ya duble ya eeey chumpion an dare not. Ya know, ders a big difference bahtween da fore horseman and da nexis, an dat is nexis smarter dan you are, cause dey doan intafere in mah bidness.” Arn says that Sheamus is now the champion of a thriving company, but if they don’t do something, he’ll be a shark trolling around an empty mudhole. “You musta gut kicked inda head pretty hard, ole man. Cause me? Ahm da duble ya duble ya eeye chumpun.” Anderson says he doesn’t get it as he walks away. That promo was fantastic.

Speaking of fantastic, coming up tonight, Eve will face Alicia Fox. Clearly I don’t know what the term fantastic means. Up next, Resurrection Truth versus The Miz.

Commercial.

We’re back with a WWE Classics on Demand. We relive the awesomeness that was Yokozuna being slammed by Lex Luger. I remember watching this as if it were yesterday. We not only get the video, but the awesomely cheesy “Hero” song. On top of that, Lord Alfred Hayes talks about the Lex Express. Granted, they gloss over Luger blowing it in his matches and running screaming back to WCW, but that’s a technicality.

What’s up? What’s up is that R-Truth doesn’t even get a full entrance. I could get behind that. Miz is out next and he’s gonna rap again. This is golden. As Miz finishes his promo, he cracks Truth in the head.

Resurrection Truth v. The Miz

The Miz jumps Truth and beats the cornrows off of him on the outside before the ref can even ring the bell. So let me get this straight, they don’t give Truth a full entrance AND I don’t have to see his match? I now nominate The Miz for Superstar of the Year. Miz tries to break Truth’s arm, and I think it’s turning black and blue but I can’t be sure.

Trainers, EMTs and all the other fake people from the “Don’t Try This At Home” PSA run out to see if Truth is in fact hurt. Miz asks how does it feel. He sounds like Turk on “Scrubs” when he beats Carla at arm wrestling. “Do you see what happens? Do you see what happens when you mess with the warrior?” See, Miz = Truth and Truth = Awesome, hence Miz = Awesome. Math is a wonderful thing.

Commercial.

We’re back and the list of what Lawler considers despicable continues as he calls Miz’s attack despicable. Pretty much anything other than sex with underage girls is despicable in his book. Well, that and shitting in his crown.

I think I know who’s out next. Get it? Like the name of his song. Edge and his pyro are out, complete with the WWE copyright notice. If you’re watching RAW on JustinTV or on a Torrent, you are not just breaking the law but you’re also defying Edge. Don’t do that, folks. My muddah defied Edge once. Once.

Edge demands a moment of silence for R-Truth, who only knew one song but he knew it well. Classic. Edge says it’s true, it’s true that Nexus jumped him. Edge says he’s smarter than everyone because he doesn’t need 7 enemies when he can make 7 allies. All they need is direction and leadership. He’s willing to do it in exchange for seven new friends on Facebook. In two weeks, he’s in Money in the Bank, and he couldn’t mind it if they ran out and laid waste to everyone else. He then points to the bright Lego red briefcase and he then explains to the think-skulled fans why it’s important. He won MITB twice, which is something neither of his guests have done.

He calls out Evan Bourne, but Chris Jericho’s music hits. Chris is out without a shirt and without a giant treadmill. Edge looks perplexed, but then again that just might be how Canadians look. Jericho says he doesn’t take a backseat to anyone. Chris says he knows what Edge is doing, but he reminds Edge that he was Wade Barrett’s pro and that he is why Wade won. Well, that and the fact that most of the rookies couldn’t call spots and chew gum at the same time. He then points out that he already took out Steamboat, so I think he’s claiming gimmick infringement.

Edge asks why they would listen to a guy that couldn’t beat Evan Bourne. Chris reminds him that he’s the guy that beat Edge at Mania. Edge blames his loss on caring about the fans. There are two indisputable laws: the sun rises in the east and Edge sucks as a face. Jericho says that Edge is a wannabe Jericho: he has the long hair, he has the talkshow and now Edge wants to knock him off his perch. Chris says that he is the most valuable performer in the company, he cannot be replaced and if they don’t pick up his contract in September, all hell might break loose. Speaking of which, Edge jumps Jericho. Chris locks Edge in the Walls of Jericho but Evan Bourne shows up with the double-knees off the top rope. He then escapes a double attack from Edge and Jericho as Chris demands that he comes back.

The G-Mail goes off and it says that if we wanna see action, give him a hell yeah. They’re laying this Austin stuff on pretty thick. Coming up next, Jericho and Edge versus Evan Bourne and…Randy Orton.

I hear voices and here comes Randall. Evan Bourne gets a goofy grin on his face as he sees the bald-headed, baby oil drenched Orton. Edge and Jericho step out of the ring and they wait for the…

Commercial.

Randy Orton and Evan Bourne v. Chris Jericho and Edge

We’re back and the WWE was nice enough to wait for us to start the match. They’re all heart tonight. Evan Bourne gets stomped by Jericho as the fans start a “Let’s Go Evan” chant. Don’t look now, folks, but he might very well get over.

Bourne tags in Orton, who wails away on Jericho. Chris runs to the corner and tags in Edge. It’s now Edge and Orton as Randy works hard to not injure anything else. Seriously, I think Mister Kennedy…Kenndy has an Orton voodoo doll that he’s been saving for moments like this. Orton stomps away on Edge before tagging Bourne back in.

Sure enough, Edge gets hit a few times before tagging in Jericho who becomes the victim of Token Offense! Jericho rolls to the outside and he eats a dropkick that hurtles him into the barricade. Evan then launches over the top rope as Lawler calls him a spider. Why the fuck is he a spider?

Evan gets clotheslined back in the ring and now it’s Ricky Morton time. No, wait, it’s…

Commercial.

We’re back (well, they’re back) and Edge is trying to squeeze the life out of Bourne. Either that or he’s showing Evan what happens on your first day of prison. Evan makes it to the ropes and breaks free but he gets dropped. Edge tags in Jericho, who stretches Bourne.

Evan finally breaks free and they do the long…slow…dramatic…crawl but it’s Edge that gets in first and he stops Bourne from tagging in Orton. Edge goes for a suplex but Evan breaks free and kicks him. Lawler says he’s never seen Evan do that before, mere moments before Cole was about to call that Vintage Bourne. Talk about see no evil, speak no evil.

Jericho teases not tagging Edge, but he does. Bourne tags in Orton, who hits a vintage scoopslam. It’s vintage because that’s the same scoopslam Aaron Burr hit Alexander Hamilton with. Orton then hits the second rope DDT, just like a snake would. Assuming it had hands. And chose a life as a pro wrestler. Randy then humps the mat to signal the RKO but Edge stops him and Chris kicks him in the head. He tags in Edge, who stomps away on Randy. Hey, that’s Randy’s move!

Jericho is tagged back in and continues the Canadian stomping, which is less effective as American stomping. Damn exchange rates. Randy fights back but gets taken down with a dropkick. Chris then locks in a resthold but Orton fights back. He then eats a bulldog (the move, not the actual animal) and Jericho goes for a Lionsault, but to no avail.

Jericho goes for a tag to Edge, and Edge pretends to not accept it but finally does. He suffers the wrath of Bourne with Token Offense before he kicks Evan off the second rope. Chris tags himself in (man there are a lot of tags) and he berates Edge for not being able to put away Bourne. Evan, of course, kicks Jericho. Edge then spears Chris and leaves so that Evan Bourne can connect with AirBourne for the pin.

Evan and Orton celebrate and Randy then RKOs Bourne because he needs to leave to HIS music. Jerry says you can’t trust a snake, which seems unfair to impugn an entire species.

Commercial.

In the back, Randy comes face to face with The Nexus. Well, Otunga, Tarver and Slater. Otunga says that it was nothing personal and that they were doing this to make a statement to management. Michael says that they’re trying to apologize. Heath Slater says that they won’t interfere in the MITB match, but they might interfere in the steel cage match. David Otunga says he doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but the champion will be in a very vulnerable position, like in the back of a Volkswagen. Randy says that he heard what they have to say and he wants them out of his face. To be fair, he was the one who stopped to talk to them.

Cole and Lawler are on the camera from Nashville, where everyone’s cousin is attractive.

Mini-Orton is in the back with Greek Liquor and Snukette. Random Samoan One says he’s been waiting for this moment since they showed up in the WWE. Wow, like three whole weeks. Random Samoan calls a spade a spade and says that Josh doesn’t know which one’s which. One’s named Jimmy and one’s named Jay. Snukette calls him ignorant, while I’d like to think that he’s just disinterested.

Alicia Fox then interrupts to say that she hasn’t been interviewed since she won the Tramp Stamp Title. She says that he’s lucky to be in his presence, so she’s going to answer a question he won’t ask. No, it wasn’t a fluke that she won. If you don’t believe it, watch what she’s gonna do to Eve. She then saunters off to a…

Commercial.

We’re back to relive a Summerslam moment: British Bulldog versus Bret Hart. Here’s where I’d say that this is one of the best matches of all time, but if you’re reading this, you’re probably already aware of that. Instead, I’ll just sit back and enjoy Vince’s breathless commentary.

Alicia Fox is already in the ring. Wow, the champ just gets no respect. Eve Torres comes out next and proves that she is really good at posing at the entrance ramp.

Tramp Stamp Title Match: Alicia Fox v. Eve Torres

Alicia whips Eve into the ropes and she goes for a back bodydrop but Eve just bounces off of her. Eve then whips Alicia, who begins to squeal, claiming that she hurt her ankle. Fantastic acting from Fox, who says that she’s okay to continue before collapsing again. The fans shit all over it as Alicia was faking it (not her first time) and she hits a scissor kick for the pin.

Commercial.

We’re back and next week, Randy Orton will face Edge one-on-one thanks to G-Mail.

John Cena v. Wade Barrett: Main Event Handshake

Wade Barrett is out first and he looks like a man thrilled to still be in the country. Wade has the mic and he recaps what’s already happened tonight. Barrett asks Cena to come out and shake hands like men. Because shaking hands like women is uncivilized.

John Cena is out and he’s looking wearily for the other members of the Nexus who might jump him and try to shake his hand before he gets to the ring. Ask Arnold Vinick, those things can be deadly.

Wade says that John Cena isn’t part of their future plans. He says this can be easy or hard and the choice is his, if the price is right.

John says that if they shake hands, everything is over. John extends his hand and pulls it back, pulling a Flair. He then makes a solid “Back to the Future” reference before telling Wade to jam his truce up his Nexus. That apparently means his ass. John then promises to take them all down to Chinatown. Cena will get to every single one of them. That is the future, so don’t tune in for the next few months, because he just spoiled everything.

Barrett says that Cena is standing only because they haven’t been vicious enough. If he thought getting spit on was bad…

Wade recaps how they took out Bret Hart, Mister McMahon (which he says in an adorable British way, like a koala bear playing with a tennis ball), and now John better shake his hand or it’s all over. John then shakes his hand but pulls him up for an FU. Wade breaks free and the rest of Nexus run in to beat him up. Evan Bourne comes to his rescue and he gets beat. Morrison comes out next and apparently the WWE Superstars only attack like ninjas in a bad movie. Then, Mark Henry’s music hits and here come the Midcard All-Stars. The Nexus retreats, except for Darren Young.

Michael “I Swear I’m Not the GM” Cole gets a G-Mail that says that if this doesn’t stop, there will be consequences. Apparently the G-Mail is from Truth or Consequences New Mexico, so maybe it’s Foley. John Cena locks the STFU onto Young so another G-Mail comes out and now Cena will face all members of Nexus next week in a 7-on-1 match. Big deal, Kane already did that and beat all of them (plus that murderous beast Daniel Bryan). Cena responds by beating on Darren “Black Cena” Young. To make sure that Young sells the clothesline, he stiffs the hell out of him. John gets all intense and vicious, and this is the kind of non-cartoony beatdown that could help get Cena over further.

John Cena launches Darren Young out of the ring and seethes in anger. He then rolls out of the ring and grabs the steel steps. Oh good, he’s going to kill Darren Young. Well Young was my least favorite. John then launches the steel steps into Darren Young’s skull like a volleyball and Young might be dead. John is still all twitchy as he grabs what’s left of Darren and throws him into the announce table. He then tips the table onto Young before celebrating in the middle of the ring.

TV-PG: Where a tie gets you fired but steel steps to the head gets you cheered.

For Your Consideration.

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