Comics Are Awesome
1. Dracula builds a castle on the dark-side of the moon to shoot vampires out of a cannon at England, then sails a space pirate ship to invade.
2. Batman builds an alternate personality which manifests as a 5th dimensional magic midget to protect his mind incase he’s ever totally broken down by a mysterious foe who might or might not be his father or his ancient ancestor or the devil… and Batman likes smack too. (I could seriously make this entire list of just Grant Morrison or just Batman, but I’ll let this be it).
3. Wolverine has to hunt a highly trained military outfit of Wolverine wana-bes with healing factors and laser claws who have guns that can shoot cancer.
4. Snake Eyes, burned and nearly crippled, parachutes into a hidden base, taking acid to the face in order to kick a villain in the face. The villain’s nefarious plan? To cause the world’s current financial crisis be telling people about the Real Estate loophole.
5. Hellboy had to travel to Mexico to fight luchadors by becoming one himself. Why did he have to fight luchadores? They were possessed by demons, of course. So once Hellboy wins, of course (again), he sticks around to become a lucha legend. What would you do?
6. Then there’s the time that the Fantastic Four checked to see if Johnny Storm reall impregnated a random woman by inserting a miniaturized invisible woman into the woman’s fetus, and Reed and Ben going back to watch Johnny actually impregnate the woman.
7. But that’s nothing compared to the third time that Thanos got ultimate power, destroyed everything, decided to bring it back, and then helped Annihilus turn Galactus into a weapon to destroy another good chunk of the universe, all because he was bored. Dude needs a hobby.
8. Loki tries to one up this duplicity, tricking god eating, cursed monsters into his service so that Hela will need a place to go so that he can sell those monsters into Mephisto’s servitude in exchange for giving Hela a part of his realm in exchange for Loki himself never having to really die and go to Hela’s realm, so Loki could appear heroic in sacrificing himself against the Sentry who destroyed Asgard in Loki’s greatest prank yet… which Mephisto had to go and one up by just letting the god-eating Disir attack Hela’s new realm any damn way.
9. Henry Peter Gyrich tried to take over SWORD, mostly by kicking everyone who wasn’t an alien out, but that angered furry loving couple Beast and Agent Brand, who hire a giant Death’s Head robot to turn the tide. Also, giant rock monsters want to destroy earth because they think we’re torturing their kind on Mount Rushmore.
10. Amadeus Cho, boy genius, best-friend to Hercules, doesn’t bother explaining to Thor he isn’t his enemy for stealing sacred mojo fruit that makes Asgardian’s immortal because Thor keeps saying he was Hercules best friend and, damnit, Amadeus was so his best friend, and so he smacks the hell out of Thor with Hercules unbreakable mace to prove his point.
11. One word: FrankenCastle.
12. When Captain America was shot with a time bullet and lost in time so Red Skull could inhabit his body, despite the fact that Red Skull already inhabits a cloned Captain America body, the only way to get Cap back was a giant superhero fight with an army of MODOKs over Washington, DC, then fights the Red Skull in an Arnim Zola body made gigantic via Pym Particles.
13. Then there was the time the heroes thought it would be smart to shoot Hulk into space, where he conquered a planet, it blew up, he came back pissed as all hell, and beat the crap out of all the heroes after turning New York City’s Madison Square Garden into a giant gladiator arena in honor of his world, which, again, blew up. You’ll never guess how they stopped the Hulk… they blew him up. With Lasers. From space.
14. The Skrulls figured out how to perfectly mimic everyone’s superpower and be utterly undetectable, but instead of replacing top ranking officials and killing everyone in their sleep, or giving everyone the powerset of the entire Avengers, they decided to clone Jarvis and have a superhero fight in Central Park.
15. Superboy Prime, the all powerful brat being that killed a ton of folks in both the regular DC Universe and the far future of the Legion of Superheroes, is returned home where he is the only superpowered being and everyone is scared of him because they read about how big a prick he was in DC Comics. To get this to all stop, while fighting zombies of people he killed, which he knows because he reads the DC Message Boards, he invades DC headquarters to kill everyone, but ends up just begging them to leave his over-exposed self alone for awhile, which the writers finally relent and do.
16. Dr. Strange goes to a baseball game, but because he’s Dr. Strange, demons show up and he has to play in a game against demons for the souls of everyone in the audience. It’s got to suck to be Dr.Strange.
17. Deadpool totally saved the world by rochambeauing with Captain America. It should go without saying that Deadpool went first.
18. Shang Chi, Deadpool and others get into a deathrace on motorcycles across the desert. Other racers include the Hitler twins, a quintet of luchadores, black Santas, and the name of the race is “The Annual Race to Benefit Various and Sundry Evil Organizations and Also the Homeless. Now with Beer and Hot Dogs.”
19. Hercules dresses up as Thor to scare off some trolls and stop a war, but that mostly just leads to him nailing a hot elf queen and fighting Thor dressed as Hercules.
20. Leonardo DaVinci built SHIELD as their main visionary and is now fighting a dark man and the ruling council’s insecurities because mankind’s creativity can conquer all.
So, readers, let’s see how many of you can nail the titles, writers and issues for these. I’ll find something cool to send whoever nails the whole list (or the most) via the comments.
