For Your Consideration…A Very Brady RAW

For Your Consideration…A Very Brady RAW

Welcome back to the longest running action adventure sports entertainment snarky quasi-review of Monday Night RAW on the internet. I’m Andrew Wheeler, and I swear I’m not the RAW GMail. I am, however, excited to be back in the world of the WWE after dipping my toe in the TNA pond. Sure, they put on a solid if unspectacular show, but it still feels like the second-rate step-cousin to the WWE. Oh, and unless they back up a Brinks truck to Paul Heyman’s house, he isn’t going to leave the Brock Lesnar gravy train. Then again, this is wrestling so anything can happen. Hey, if my Heat could get Mr. James to sign on the dotted line, you can never say never.

Since I covered everything from Orlando earlier, my preamble is going to be relatively short. First, I want to thank everyone for the feedback for my impromptu rant on wrestlers at the UFC event. It’s been a while since I went up on my soapbox, so it felt good to know that it didn’t fall on completely deaf ears. Second, I made a reference in my other column to someone being beaten with a sack of oranges. Someone pointed out that the reference should have been sack of doorknobs. That is true if I were making the brilliant “Simpsons” reference, but I instead opted to go with the more obscure “NewsRadio” reference. Had anyone actually caught that, I would have given them a tip of my cap. Lastly, it was pointed out last week that I tend to heavily rely on outside references, and that my own natural wit should be used to carry the column. Without sounds too pompous and up my own ass, I will say that I know I could do a column without them, but I like to throw them in there for readers (including one or two of my friends [and the best man at my wedding who better be reading this] who would be disappointed if I didn’t throw them in there).

Without further ado, you can follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/awheeler316, e-mail me at awheeler316@yahoo.com, friend me on Facebook or just comment below.

The Judicial Review…Monday Night RAW 7/12/10

“The Champ is here.”

What the hell did they do to my signature? They ADDED Michael Cole?! Blasphemy. On the plus side, kudos for the addition of Bobby Heenan.

Last week on RAW, there was the incredibly violent handshake. So violent in fact, that it gets it’s own video package. Could we have not gotten a montage of great handshakes from wrestling past? And just to keep workrate freaks happy, maybe a Great Muta/Tiger Mask handshake?

Long story short, the RAW GMail (who isn’t at all Michael Cole) booked a seven-on-one handicap match, which my guess is will end with Nexus using chairs to get DQed and then the RAW guys come out for the save and in the end Orton RKOs Cena. I am writing this at 9:03, so if I’m right then I am genius. If I’m wrong, then I blame the system, because clearly Vince hates freedom.

We exit the always excruciating Nickelback song and we are LIVE from Lexington at the historic Ass Arena. There’s so much pyro and ballyhoo that you’d think they were in Lexington AND Concord. See, more American History.

So tonight’s 7-on-1 is now a 6-on-1 because Darren “Fake it till you make it” Young is so injured from John Cena trying to kill him that he can’t compete. Speaking of the suicidal, homicidal, genocidal TV-PG vigilante, here comes John Cena. The fans in Kentucky are going apeshit over seeing him. John says that the opening promo was great but Sheamus didn’t show up. Cena says that Sheamus needs to realize that they’re all in this thing together. He also needs to realize that John is going to beat him for the title before ripping his face off and replacing it with his butt. Uh huh. Thanks for that.

Cena then mocks the Irish, which will help him win over anyone still alive from the 1920’s. Man, old time people hated the Irish. John says that he’s sick of listening to Sheamus talk about how he can beat him before saying that the champ will be here next Monday. I’m sure by that he meant that he would be champion. That, folks, is called linear logic.

John says that tonight he’s got a 6-on-1 because he killed Black Cena last week. It’s like Highlander; there can be only one. Cena promise to take the rest of them out and that the Cenation is in the building.

This brings out a bunch of people wearing N’s on their shirts. Oh, it’s the Nexus. Glad to see none of them have been deported, fired, injured or drank the bottle of nerve tonic and got Gigantism. Nexus lines up in their spiffy t-shirts and I’d like to buy a vowel.

Wade Barrett says that they aren’t going to kill him now because they want to wait until later tonight. Barrett then calls him a hothead, because this is now apparently a bad cop movie. He then reminds us that Nexus is part of a bigger picture.

Cole just got a GMail and it says that if any Superstar gets involved, they will get suspended for 90 days. So did someone get busted for a Wellness Policy Violation and this is how he’s getting written out? The GMail also says that Nexus needs to tag in and out or they’re suspended for 90 days. John says if he’s going down, he’s taking them with him. To quote “Clerks: The Animated Series”: Is this some sort of gay thing? No. You sure? Uh…yes…

Commercial.

We’re back and Eve Torres is out in a sundress. She gets kissed on the hand by Lawler, who asked her if she had copies of her middle school yearbook. I’m kidding, I’m kidding…it was high school.

Alicia Fox is out first as we relive her chicanery last week when she faked a knee injury. I hate when those people do that. And by that I mean women. Why? What did YOU think I meant, racist?

Her opponent is Gail Kim, who hopefully wrestles better than she drives. You know, because she’s Canadian. (See, the gag here, once again, is that you’d think that I’m talking about a certain group of people based on a racial stereotype but then through the art of misdirection, I, like magicians and Republicans, twisted the truth to amaze and astonish you).

Alicia Fox v. Gail Kim

Gail Kim is a pagoda of fire as she wails away on Alicia before hitting that weird turnbuckle cannonball move that’s actually kinda cool. Fox takes over but then Gail goes for her foot finisher (which sounds like a bad fetish, but it’s a legit move) but misses and Alicia kicks her in the head for the ridiculously quick finish. What’s even more impressive is that she did it with her headband on. The only downside is that after pinning Gail Kim, she’s just going to want to do it again in a half hour.

The GMail goes off and since Alicia Fox faked a knee injury, she has to defend her Tramp Stamp title against Eve.

Later on tonight, Edge and Randy Orton will wrestle in or around that very ring. Also, it’s one guy taking on 6 men in a TV-PG way.

Commercial.

On a side note, nothing makes me happier than the part of the Chuck Norris Total Gym commercial is where he acts surprised over the free trial and consults someone off camera. How he never got an Oscar is beyond me. Oh, and thanks to Conan, all weekend I’ve been walking around saying, “Walker told me I have AIDS.” Poor Haley Joel Osment.

We’re back and Sheamus winning the title was the 100th title change. If they included the WCW title, that number jumps to 5,000.

Here comes the Hart Dynasty as we once again get to see them wrestle Greek Booze and Snukette. On a side note, the heel’s music is like a terrible version of Rikishi’s music, which makes sense since they’re a terrible version of Rikishi.

The Hart Dynasty v. Greek Booze and Snukette

This Sunday, we’ll get to see the Unified Tag Title Match. If for nothing else, TNA will have produced a better tag match. Kidd and one of the Usos are in the ring and Tyson gets jumped from behind by Snukette as he tried a springboard. One Uso tags in Other Uso who grabs one of those dreaded restholds Tyson breaks free and we get the hot (well lukewarm) tag to DH Smith. He’s just so bland and generic that you’ve gotta assume he got Diana’s genes for showmanship. Natalya and Snukette catfight to the outside as the Usos double-team Smith. One of the Samoans comes off the top rope with a Big Splash for the pin. I’d call it a tsunami, but that’s in bad taste even for me. Kinda.

In the back, Wade Barrett is talking to Chris Jericho. Jericho says he’s doing exactly what Chris told him. Jericho blows off Mini-Orton as we cut to Wade and Yoshi Tatsu. Tatsu says that John Cena is his friend, only tot urn around and see all off Nexus. David Otunga beats the crap out of him and then Tarver just kind of hovers over him like he was going to suck out his soul. Creepy. So between Gail Kim and Yoshi Tatsu, it isn’t a good night to be Asian.

Commercial.

Angelina Jolie stars in “Salt” with the soundtrack performed by “Pepper”

In the crowd is the band “I Fight Dragons”. I swear, that’s a real band.

Teddy DiBiasi and Maryse are out and he is wearing one hell of a suit. Oh, and Maryse as the 21st Century Sherri is perfect, as long as she doesn’t turn around and fuck half of the locker-room.

Jerry says that he understands what Teddy wants from Maryse since he knows about being with Divas. So my guess is that Maryse wants a divorce, a real estate career and ultimately to wind up with Kizarney.

Teddy names them the Million Dollar Couple and the most powerful couple in the WWE. But enough about Stephanie and Hunter… Oh, he was talking about him and the briefcase. He says that he’s confident that he’s going to win the briefcase, and then apparently is going to fuck it.

This brings out John Slo-Morrison, who takes umbrage with the thought of DiBiase nailing a suitcase. Morrison puts his sunglasses on a frightened kid sitting ringside. John points out that Ted shouldn’t shower Maryse with gifts because the French don’t shower. Well that’s a broad generalization, or a generalization about broads. Maryse grabs the microphone and yells nonsense in French. Morrison translates and says that everyone has hippo breath and smells like rhinos. Jesus, someone cut his microphone before he kills the last of his goodwill. To think there was a point in time when he was considered the edgy future of the WWE.

DiBiase then jumps Morrison and stomps away in his suit, making him look like the lead singer of the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. For those of you youngsters, just YouTube it. John fights back and he punches Teddy and actually shows some emotion before going for Starship Pain, but Maryse pulls him out of the way. John’s music hits and he just stares at Ted.

All those that think John Morrison is going to win the briefcase, raise your hand. Look to your right. If your hand is raised, reevaluate your choices in life.

Commercial.

So Gillette has irritating tugging and pulling. I don’t know how people are using their razors, but if they’re using it like that, they’re doing it wrong…I think.

We’re back and here comes the wacky Brady Bunch nonsense. It’s Santino with Goldust, Khali and Kozlov. On the other side, it’s Regal with Ryder, Primo and…Doink! Seriously? See, it’s Santino’s Bunch and Regal’s Bunch and Florence Henderson is hosting.

Florence is in the back with a pie and Santino shows up. I already lost the will to live. On the plus side, they do a laugh track. Santino calls Regal’s team more annoying than Cousin Oliver. William Regal shows up to say that this is utterly appalling. He then asks if the new GM is Gilligan and it doesn’t get a laugh, which is actually really funny. Regal says if he wanted advice, he’d go ask the Partridge Family. She slaps him and Santino goes in to try and kiss her. Oh, and just for the record, if given the shot, I absolutely would slip her the gimmick.

At MITB, there’s still a mystery eighth man. Jerry “Mystic Tan” Lawler and Michael “Casual Male” Cole inform us that the final slot will be filled tonight (that’s what she said). We now throw to the Edge MITB package again. Speaking of Edge, he’s in the back wearing overlarge elbow pads. If he’s not careful, he’s going to run right into that….

Commercial.

Edge v. Randy Orton

Edge is out first as Cole points out that their rivalry started when Edge was drafted to RAW. Really? Because that whole Rated RKO thing didn’t create any animosity? I mean, I know you were on Smackdown putting over JBL at the time, but I’m begging you to watch the product.

Randy Orton comes out next to a ridiculous pop. Then again, most of the Kentuckians think he’s a skinhead. Randy poses on the top rope with his arms spread and his Copyright logo in the corner, just like Jesus intended.

Edge and Orton lock up but the ref calls for a clean break. That won’t happen since Randy’s saturated in baby oil. At the very least, it’ll be a slick break. Randy busts out something new as he stomps away on Edge’s body. It’s new because he’s never done it when Edge is wearing red.

Randy then starts punching away on Edge in the ropes, which gets a cheer from the fans. Randy then dumps Edge to the outside as Cole calls him as nasty as they come. Was that an insult or was he reading from Janet Jackson’s liner notes? Orton throws Edge back into the ring but when he tries to re-enter, he gets kicked in the skull. What kind of sportsmanship is that?

Edge measures Randy and kicks him in the skull, and that’s not only painful but it’s also gimmick infringement. Orton busts out his Vintage Scoop Slam, originated by Eli Whitney right around the time he figured out that whole Cotton Gin thing. Edge once again launches Orton out of the ring and into a…

Commercial.

“Salt”: a fictional movie about Russian spies hiding in America. It’s entertaining because it could never happen in modern day. Oh wait…

We’re back and Edge and Orton continue a match so paint-by-numbers that you’d swear the agent for it is Bob Ross. Though to be fair, they need to protect Randy because one good sneeze and Orton’s injured again. Randy’s becoming unhinged in the ring and he once again busts out that Vintage Scoop Slam before unleashing some punches that were potentially rabid. Randy goes for the second-rope DDT but Edge reverses it into the Edgecution for two. Man, remember when THAT was his finishing move? Ah, to be back in a simpler time.

Edge sets Orton up for the Spear but Orton blocks it by kicking him in the face. Randy starts humping the ground, which means it’s RKO time. He goes for the RKO but Edge misses and goes for a Spear that Randy leaps over (fuck that was kinda cool) and goes for a roll-up for two. Randy hits the reverse backbreaker and once again goes for the RKO but Jericho comes out and Randy is distracted by his snazzy purple dress shirt and gets dropped for the pin. Chris comes in and hits the Codebreaker on Edge. He then turns around and eats an RKO. Evan Bourne comes out and kicks Orton in the face. Bourne climbs to the top rope and goes for AirBourne but Randy turns it into the sickest mid-air RKO you will ever see.

Even on replay, it is sick. Bravo, sir. Bravo. Good luck trying to top that at the PPV.

Skip “Captain Caveman” Sheffield is in the back and Josh asks about what will happen tomorrow when Nexus shows up on NXT. Skip keeps walking as he bumps shoulders with John Morrison. Nexus shows up out of nowhere like a street gang in a musical, but John takes the first punch. The Numbers Game (by Mattel) take over and Nexus beats the crap out of Morrison. They end the beating by crushing his ribs with a metal cart. They then all stand over him like this is the cover of a comic book.

Commercial.

I know I should hate all Geico commercials, but the Abe Lincoln one is brilliant.

Awesome, we’re back with The Miz. He’s the US Champion, which I completely forgot about. Good to see he’s taken the loss of Lebron James in stride. Miz says talk is cheap, but apparently video packages are costly, because he’s throwing us to one from last week where he destroyed Resurrection-Truth, making him a face in my book. Miz says he didn’t need a ladder to destroy Truth, but rather he did it with his bare hands. Then again, that could be bear hands, which would be awesome to see. Once Miz gets a ladder, he’s going to make what he did to Truth pale in comparison to what he’s going to do to the rest of the MITB competitors. He’s The Miz…and he’s interrupted by GMail.

Cole asks for everyone’s attention please as he says that The Miz will now compete against R-Truth’s replacement. Please don’t be Mark Henry, please don’t be Mark Henry, please don’t be Mark Henry. The GMail uses a Roddy Piper bon mot and it’s…

The Miz v. Ohfuckinghell Mark Hey-Hey Henry

Really? Mark Henry in a main event? Henry headbutts The Miz before press-slamming him. Is there any chance Miz takes him out as well? So I guess the WWE needed to replace a black wrestler with a black wrestler, but I just kinda hoped it was going to be Ron Simmons. Henry goes crashing into the RAW GMail lectern and then dumps trash on Henry. Well that’s uncalled for, especially when you consider most of those were recyclable goods. Come on people, we only have one Earth.

Mark Henry slowly climbs to his feet (as opposed to the speed in which he normally does anything) just in time for a…

Commercial.

Twix: If you’re too stupid to keep your mouth shut, shove some candy in there. You might get diabetes, but at least you won’t offend anyone. Unless of course your foot falls off in front of them.

Did you know: Military personnel get free tickets to WWE Shows. No joke, just a kinda cool fact.

Justin Roberts introduces our guest ring announcer, Florence Henderson. She comes out to the Brady Bunch theme song, so at least someone’s getting paid other than Jim Johnston.

Mrs. Brady says hello to the WWE Universe before saying that she feels groovy. She’s like a better Linda McMahon.

The Regal Bunch (William Regal, Zach Ryder, Primo and Doink) v. The Santino Bunch (Santino Marella, Goldust, Vladamir Kozlov and The Great Khali)

When you realize that some of these men are on the WWE’s roster while Bryan Danielson, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas are wrestling in high school gyms, you just gotta wonder if there really is a higher power other than Vince.

Santino and Regal start off and Regal beats the crap out of him but gets distracted by Florence wearing his robe. Santino then goes for the Cobra and it takes down Regal for two. Everyone comes in and Doink and Santino are alone in the ring. Santino is scared of clowns so he tags in Khali. Khali murderballs Doink after Doink shoots Khali with a water gun and chops him for the pin. Like a terminal disease, at least the suffering was short.

After the match, Santino tries to kiss Florence Henderson but she apparently wants Khali. They suck face, and I don’t think my penis will ever recover.

Summerslam Recall: Shawn Michaels v. Razor Ramon in Ladder Match 2.

Commercial.

We’re back and it’s time to recap the entire Money in the Bank card. There’s gonna be a Rasslin Roundtable, and for those of you who think I’m longwinded, you will listen to every damn word I have to say! You know, either that or I’ll just write fewer things. Oh, we also get a CM Punk video package.

Edge is in the back rubbing his chin and Josh Matthews apologizes for interrupting. What the hell was he doing, exactly? Edge says that he wants to thank Chris Jericho for the wake-up call. He personified what Money in the Bank is, which is that there are 7 other guys and you need eyes in the back of your head. Edge has an advantage because he’s been in and won more ladder matches than anyone else. Edge also has a super secret strategy; he has voices in his head, they talk to him, they understand and they tell him that he should be a dick. Hey, he stole Randy’s voice!

Evan Bourne is in the back getting his neck iced when Sheamus appears. “Alright fellah? Ya hurt? Yer neck gotya? Yer lucky ih wuznt me or it’d been a lut worse.” The Nexus show up. “Alrught lads, hearz una Cenuh’s lads. Yah muyt wunna jump im.” The Nexus slams Bourne’s head against another one of those dreaded metal cases before leaving him holding his neck. Oh come on, he just got done icing that. Sheamus then reappears, “Little Evan Bounre, that’ll teach ya a lessun, woan ih, fellah.” Nexus then shows up over the carcass of Bourne and Sheamus kinda stares for a minute before he sprints away asking for Cena’s locker-room and runs right past a…

Commercial.

We’re back and Nexus is in the ring. They look like a bad Noid look-a-like contest. If this doesn’t end with them getting a Dominos deal, I don’t know what will.

John Cena v. The Nexus (Minus their best and worst wrestlers)

John Cena takes off his hat and his dog tags and he looks all super intense. He gives Cole his tags for some reason before tossing his shirt to a soldier at ringside. Wonder if that guy got in for free.

Michael “Bossk” Tarver and John Cena start out in the center of the ring. If the WWE isn’t careful, they’re going to turn their vicious Nexus group into another Spirit Squad. Tarver gets suplexed so he tags in Justin “Sledgehammer” Gabriel. Cena hammers away on Gabriel before bouncing him off the corner. Gabriel tags in Skip “Snitsky” Sheffield who starts jumping around. Cena and Sheffield lock up and they go back and forth before John breaks the hold. Cena gets whipped into the Nexus corner but he escapes. Nexus decides to hold a conference on the outside before they decide to surround the ring. The last guy they pulled this on wound up in the hospital. Granted that was due to a legit medical condition, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

After some nonsense, Skip takes control before tagging in Heath “SMW” Slater. Slater delivers three suplexes before tagging in David “Chumbawumba” Otunga. Otunga then lawyers Cena with a suplex. Alright, time to tag out before you expose yourself.

David whips Cena into the turnbuckle before Cena pops up and suplexes him. He tags in Wade “INS” Barrett who connects with a big boot. Cena comes back with the Five Moves of Mediocrity before getting Wade up for the FU. Sheffield apparently got tagged in and he takes down Cena with a clothesline. Otunga comes in and he goes for that crazy-dangerous slam. Gabriel drags Cena to the corner as he climbs to the top rope to hit the 450 Splash. That gets the pin and the six members of Nexus beat Cena.

Wade demands that everyone backs up but John pops Barrett before grabbing a chair. He nails Heath Slater as the rest of Nexus huddle on the outside. Sheamus then runs in from out of nowhere with a chair. Cena, who is bleeding, nails Otunga with a chair. We end with Cena and Sheamus holding chairs…

This has been for your consideration.

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